r  AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 
AT  T::E 


0 


"/  Like  to  Sit  Here  Under  the  Drenching  Sun 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 

AT  THE  ST.  LOUIS 

EXPOSITION 


BY    C.    M.    STEVENS 

AUTHOR  OF    "Uncle  Jeremiah  and  Family  at  the  Great  Fair" 

(The  Chicago  Columbian  Exposition)     (475,000  SoU) 
EDITOR  OF    Official  Guide  Books  for  Louisiana  Purchase  Exposition 


Profusely  illustrated  with  Eighty  Humorous  Sketches 
By  R.  W.  TAYLOR 


An  Interesting  and  Amusing  Guide  to  the  Fair, 
Relating  the  Experiences  of 

UNCLE  JEREMIAH,  the  Philosopher 
ETHELBERT,  the  Freshman 
AUGUST,  the  German 

SQUINT,  the  Clodhopper 
NORA,  the  Irishwoman 

MATILDA,  the  Sentimentalist 

HELENA,  the  Little  Observer 

And  others  as   incidentals 


CHICAGO 

THOMPSON    &    THOMAS 


Copyright   1904 
by  THOMPSON  &  THOMAS 


Dedicated  to  the  Visitors  at  the  World's  Fair,  Saint 
Louis,  Mo. 


2138298 


A  WORD  TO  OUR  FRIENDS. 


WORLD'S  FAIRS  are  now  so  solemnly  immense 
that  to  see  them  seems  to  be  an  enormous  task. 
The  throngs  move  on  and  on  through  the  vast  and 
varied  spectacle  of  wonders  as  though  they  were 
viewing  the  speechless  mysteries  of  Aladdin  or 
tramping  along  subterranean  aisles  in  the  catacombs 
of  Rome. 

It  is  the  American  spirit  of  getting  one's  money's 
worth.  We  spend  50  cents  a  day  to  see  a  $50,000,- 
ooo  show  and  we  might'  miss  something  if  we 
laugh.  There  is  no  time  or  place  for  merriment  or 
rest.  We  are  lost  in  the  mountains  of  miracles 
wherein  the  world's  side-shows  of  Midway  and  Pike 
become  a  serious  study  in  our  laborious  enterprise 
of  seeing  it  all. 

Such  solemnity  might  reduce  the  nervous  to  tears 
if  they  were  not  too  tired  to  weep. 

On  that  account  the  adventures  of  Uncle  Jere 
miah  and  his  neighbors  are  made  public  so  that  the 
laboring  visitors  may  at  least  see  the  humor  in 
themselves,  if  not  in  the  show,  and  thereby  "look 
up  and  be  glad." 


iv  A  WORD  TO  OUR  FRIENDS. 

Uncle  Jeremiah  performed  the  same  service  for 
his  acquaintances  and  friends  in  the  Columbian 
Exposition.  If  the  estimate  of  five  readers  to  a 
book  is  correct,  there  were  probably  more  than  two 
millions  of  them. 

We  now  bid  thx  all,  with  as  many  new  ones 
as  may  be  found,  to  the  additional,  if  not  to  the  al 
together  original  array  of  fun  and  perplexity  here 
given  in  these  adventures  of  Uncle  Jeremiah  and 
his  neighbors  at  the  Louisiana  Purchase  Exposition. 

THE  AUTHOR. 


TABLE  OF  CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER  I — A  sextette  of  unafraids        ....  9 

CHAPTER  II — The  vision  at  the  gates      ...  20 

CHAPTER  III — Seeing  things  around  on  the  outside        .  34 

CHAPTER  IV — All  around  the  world  in  a  day        .        .  52 

CHAPTER  V — Writing  home  about  the  Fair        ...  69 

CHAPTER  VI — Don  Quixote  and  his  strange  adventures  85 

CHAPTER  VII — A  fresh  arrival  from  Stumpburg        .        .  101 

CHAPTER  VIII — Stumpburgians  blending  with  St.  Louisians  117 

CHAPTER  IX — A  government  kindergarten  for  adults      .  135 
CHAPTER  X — A  package  of  exhibits  from  Baron  Mun~ 

chausen            154 

CHAPTER  XI — Rural  estimates  in  oil  and  stone      .        .  168 
CHAPTER  XII — Glimpses  of  Stumpburgian  episodes          .  185 
CHAPTER  XIII — Diverting  varieties  as  the  spice  of  curi 
osity         207 

CHAPTER  XIV — Bucolic  estimates  of  the  operatic  art      .  223 

CHAPTER  XV — Notes  on  feminine  fancies  and  pike  barkers  239 

CHAPTER  XVI — Rare  bits  well  done       ....  259 

CHAPTER  XVII — Astonishing  events  made  to  order      .  278 

CHAPTER  XVIII — Smartness  and  its  tribulations      .        .  294 

CHAPTER  XIX — Remarkable  souvenirs  for  home    .        .  309 

CHAPTER  XX — Dramatic  bridal  tour  of  the  Stumpburgians  321 


LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIONS, 


"I  like  to  sit  here  under  the  drenching  sun."         Frontispiece 

A  throng  of  eager  faces  crowded  the  doorway      .        .  II 

"How  ish  dot?" 14 

"And  look  at  the  robbers." 16 

The  sextette  of  unafraids 21 

Uncle  Jerry  got  upon  a  chair 27 

"Look  at  the  sag !"               .        . 36 

"Spend  eblyting  for  whale  blub" 38 

Then  he  passed  around  his  hat 40 

A  woman  came  yelling  down  The  Pike        ...  43 

A  horse  as  high  as  a  house   .......  46 

"They   are    sister's"            55 

"Let  me  kiss  you" .        .60 

"What  is  your  name?" 63 

The  horse  balked 67 

"Is  this  where  you  live?" 75 

"Not  on  your  life !" 77 

"A  rael  imp  from  the  infoornal  raygens"       ...  81 

'"I  dropped  my  glasses  in"             83 

Squint  and  the  kodak 86 

Struck  the  man's  hat 91 

"Caught  it  from  my  hand" 94 

He  took  Don  Quixote  by  the  shoulder     ....  99 

The  portly  form  of  August 102 

He  made  a  jump 106 

"Is  it  a  looneytick?" 108 

"Gone!"  cried  the  auctioneer 112 

Drew   forth   a  twenty •  114 

"My  gracious,"  he  exclaimed,  "what  a  long  fall!"      .        .119 

Left  his  bald  pate  shining 124 

Into  his  oyster  soup 125 

The  Patagonian  process  of  churning  butter     .        .        .  130 


LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIONS.  vii 

It  dropped  out 134 

Being  wheeled  from  the  building 136 

Entranced 139 

Yellow  fever  and  mosquitoes 141 

A  good  auld  Irish  name 144 

"From  a  hole  in  the  air" 149 

We  furnished  a  crow 152 

He  removed  his  hat 157 

"Sweep  up  the  ash'es" .161 

Improper  fractions 166 

"Was    sick    in    transit" 173 

"Smell  of  it" 179 

"She   isn't   natural" 184 

"Tickets  for  me  and  my  friends 186 

"Big    cowcumbers" .        .  190 

"Full  of  green  apples" 192 

Nora    was   startled 193 

In  an  irritable  mood 196 

"A    cotton    nigger" 199 

Had  to  fix  up  like  an  Arab 203 

"I  have  the  schmall-pox" 208 

What  he  said  was  Turkish 211 

"By  the  way,"  the  book  man  began 216 

"Sure,  an'  it's  Uncle  Jerry  and  the  kids"      .        .        .  224 

"Out  of  tune" 229 

A  drove  of  lady  managers 233 

A  bad,   guilty  woman 237 

He  made  a  speech 242 

"Glad  to  see  even  a  dog  from  home"          ....  249 

"Step  up  and  behold !" 252 

"All  bloke" 254 

A  lecture  on  the  mammoth 255 

"The  skull  of  Osceola" .  270 

"Uh!      heap    naked!"         .        .        .        .        .        .        .  273 

"I'm  going  to  wait  for  the  man  as  uses  this  pick"      .        .  277 

Peculiar   animals 284 


viii  LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIONS. 

There  was  a  flame 287 

"Prince  of  Podunk 296 

Repeated  the  act 300 

A  mark  of  hospitality  .        .  .        .        .  307 

"Didn't  send  no  word"         ....;..  310 

"He  come  in  with'  hees  friend" 319 

"Jump  over  that  bar"  .        .        .        .        .        .        .  324 

"The  cabman  started  back" 330 


Uncle  Jeremiah  and  His  Neighbors 

CHAPTER!. 

A  SEXTETTE  OF  UNAFRAIDS. 

NCLE  Jeremiah,"  said 
Neighbor  Hawkins,  "if 
Nora  will  smother  those 
noisy  youngsters  in  the 
next  room,  I  will  call  the 
house  to  order  and  find 
out  who  is  going  with  you 
to  Saint  Looey." 

Nora    looked   properly 
horrified,     but    arose    to 
obey  the  suggestion. 
"Sure  it  ain't  aisy  to  do  that,"  she  said  with  em 
phasis,  "for  the  girls  do  be  so  boisterous  and  the 
boys  do  be  so  girlstrous  that  a  woman  can't  manage 
them." 

"Ach,  du  leeber  schatz,"  exclaimed  August  re 
provingly;  "how  many  dimes  I  haf  tole  you  alretty 
not  to  say  'do  be.'  It  sounds  so  Irish." 

Nora  turned  short  around.  "An'  you  liver  shot, 
yourself,*  she  said,  "how  many  dimes  I  haf  tole  you 

9 


10  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

alretty,  not  to  say  'I  haf  tole  you  alretty.'  It  sounds 
so  Dutch." 

"That's  right,  Nora,"  laughed  Neighbor  Hawkins. 
"Don't  let  him  be  boss  now  or  you  won't  have  even 
an  Irishman's  rights  when  the  preacher  has  made 
you  a  dutchess." 

"Sure  not,"  asserted  Nora.  "I'm  Irish  from  the 
marrybones  out,  as  my  father  and  mither  wur  befoor 
me,  an'  the  pracher  can't  make  a  dutchess  out  of  me, 
even  unto  the  third  an'  foorth  generation." 

"When's  the  wedding,  August?"  said  Neighbor 
Hawkins,  as  the  laugh  of  the  assembled  guests  sub 
sided. 

"She  says  she  can't  be  sure  of  herself,"  said  Au 
gust,  dubiously,  "till  she  has  had  a  look  at  the  Saint 
Looey  policemen." 

"Then  you  are  all  right,"  said  the  amiable  Haw 
kins,  "for  I've  heard  that  Congressman  Bill  Cab 
bage  is  to  put  a  bill  through  Congress  that  all  Irish 
policemen  must  either  speak  German  or  be  married 
when  on  duty,  so  they  won't  spend  so  much  time 
with  other  people's  baby  carriages  and  cooks." 

August  looked  so  reassured  that  Neighbor  Haw 
kins  turned  to  Nora. 

"Stop  the  bean-bag  riots  among  the  kids  and  we 
will  return  to  our  muttons." 

"Stop  yer  bean-bag  rye-oats  in  there,  will  ye?" 
cried  Nora,  throwing  open  the  door.  "The  gentle- 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  11 

men  and  loidies  of  Stoompburg  want  to  spake  to 
themselves  and  their  muttons." 

A  throng  of  eager  faces  crowded  the  doorway. 

"Who's  goin'  to  Saint  Looey?"  inquired  a  chorus 
of  voices. 


A  Throng  of  Eager  Faces  Crowded  the  Doorway. 

"Hold  yer  tongues  and  be  sated,  ye  spalpeens," 
she  answered,  "or  ye'll  all  be  elicted  to  stay  at  home 
while  the  rest  of  ye  will  be  enjoyin'  the  big  show  fer 
yer  dacency  in  being  still" 

There  was  a  period  of  profound  silence. 

"We  think  it's  mighty  fine  of  you,  Uncle  Jerry," 
began  Neighbor  Hawkins,  "to  invite  us  in  here  this 


12  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

evening  to  consider  your  taking  a  bunch  of  our 
youngsters  to  the  big  show.  Don't  we,  neighbors  ?" 

There  was  a  general  nodding  of  heads,  accom 
panied  by  exclamations  of  assent.  Neighbor  Haw 
kins  continued : 

"Ethelbert  and  Matilda  may  go,  and,  with  Nora 
taking  little  Helena,  you  have  a  quartette  as  a 
starter." 

"Mark  me  down  fer  number  five,"  piped  a  squeaky 
voice  in  the  doorway.  "Granny  says  if  I  can  sell  my 
sheep  and  two  shotes,  I  can  go  if  it  is  enough,  and 
it  is  enough  and  I  can." 

"Stock  for  sale  at  this  meeting,"  said  Neighbor 
Hawkins;  ''what's  your  price?" 

"Tirteen  siller  wheels,"  was  the  quick  reply. 

"All  right,"  was  the 'answer;  "bring  your  stock 
over  to  my  barn  in  the  morning  and  get  your 
money." 

"Hurrah  fer  Squint,"  said  Nora,  and  the  children 
clapped  their  hands  in  applause. 

Squint  promptly  stood  on  his  head  and  knocked 
his  heels  together  thirteen  times. 

"Children,  go  back  to  your  games,"  sharply  ex 
claimed- Squire  Perkins'  wife.  "We  old  folks  want 
to  consult  with  one  another  in  peace  and  harmony." 

"Do  ye  hear  the  loidy?"  said  Nora,  as  she  shooed 
them  back  to  close  the  door.  "Play  still.  Nobody 
objects  to  yer  noise  if  ye'll  only  kape  quiet,  so  the 

v 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  13 

ould  folks  can  insult  each  other  in  pease  and  hom 
iny." 

"Na  du  kleine  goose,"  said  August.  "Do  you 
know  nothing,  Nora?" 

"Indade,  I  do,"  she  answered  sharply.  "Go  clane 
a  goose  yerself." 

"Yes,  yes,"  he  replied,  "I  tink  you  know  not  how 
many  feet  is  on  a  cow." 

"Indade,  I  do." 

"How  many?" 

"Eight." 

"Ach,  Gott !"  exclaimed  August,  in  dismay.  "How 
ishdot?" 

"Sure,  you  nivver  counted  yourself,"  she  replied, 
triumphantly.  "See?  Two  feet  at  each  end.  That's 
foor.  Two  on  each  side.  That's  foor.  How  much 
is  foor  and  foor  in  Dutch  ?" 

"Nein!  nein!  'sist  not  de  vay,"  expostulated 
August. 

"Nine,"  said  Nora.  "Then  a  cow  has  nine  feet, 
in  Dutch." 

"Ain't  you  afraid,  Uncle  Jerry,"  interrupted  Mrs. 
Perkins,  "that  Squint  won't  set  a  first  rate  example 
among  well-behaved  folks?  You  know  his  old 
granny  has  never  had  much  control  over  him  and 
she  needs  the  money  he'd  cost." 

"Yes,"  replied  Uncle  Jeremiah;  "we  know  he's 
a  kind  of  harumscarum,  uncivilized  little  rat,  and  he 


14 


won't  be  dressed  up  strictly  in  line  with  the  money- 
spending  crowds,  but  he's  a  likely  chap  towards  a 
coming  man,  and  the  sights  will  do  him  heaps  of 
good.  If  my  fellow  travelers  of  the  Stumpburg  set 
have  no  objections,  I'd  like  to  take  him  along." 
Listening  to  this  was  an  attentive  little  lady,  who 


"How  Ish  Dot?" 


hastily  ran  back  into  the  playroom  with  a  special  pur 
pose  in  view. 

"I'll  get  a  vote  on  Squint  from  the  travelers,"  she 
called  back,  as  she  disappeared  in  the  hallway. 

"The  squire  and  me  is  thinking,"  continued  Mrs. 
Perkins,  "that  p'raps  we'll  go  arter  while  ourselves, 
and  so  I  s'pose  we'd  better  have  our  younguns  go 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  15- 

'long  then,  for  you'll  have  'nough  on  your  hands 
with  what  you've  already  bargained  for." 

A  howl  vanished  from  the  hall  doorway  into  the 
other  room  and  all  knew  that  the  three  Perkins' 
,3'ouths  had  been  hard  hit. 

"Squint's  "lected,"  piped  a  voice  at  the  sitting- 
room  door.  "We  four  who  goes  has  had  a  unanny- 
mous  rising  vote  and  Squint  is  standing  on  his  head 
'till  I  'nounce  the  'lection." 

Helena  bowed  low  as  she  delivered  this  decision 
of  the  fortunate  ones,  and  then  departed  to  turn 
Squint  right  end  up. 

"That  settles  it,"  said  Neighbor  Hawkins;  "we 
must  let  the  boy  have  the  time  of  his  life  while  some 
of  the  rest  of  us  looks  out  for  old  granny.  Number 
five  will  take  care  of  himself." 

"What  troubles  me  and  Hopgood,"  said  the  dea 
con's  wife,  "is  them  dreadful  railroad  collusions." 

"Yes,"  chimed  in  Minerva  Duncan;  "last  year  I 
read  of  mor'n  two,  and  the  poor  folks  takin'  them 
rides  had  no  show  for  nothing." 

"And  look  at  the  robbers,"  said  Jake  Martin. 
"You  kin  read  of  one  every  day,  and  they  say  that 
them  we  read  of  don't  hold  a  candle  to  the  ones 
you  don't  read  about." 

"Yes,  an'  the  slaughter  of  the  street  keers,"  said 
old  Mother  Smith.  "The  gallopin'  fire  engines,  an' 
the  onslaughts  of  microbes  and  oughtymobiles,  is 


16 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


'nough  to  give  one  the  shivers.  My  brother,  who 
was  up  to  them  big  towns  onct,  he  tole  me  they  must 
have  a  policeman  at  every  crossin'  in  the  digested 
deestricks  to  help  the  people  acrost  alive." 

"My!   worst   than   all   that,"   exclaimed    Mintie 
Baker,  "they  say  as  them  cities  is  just  surrounded 


"And  Look  at  the  Robbers." 

with  graveyards,  an'  that  thar's  a  funeral  seen  every 
day.  Must  be  dreadful  onhealthy  and  danger- 
some." 

"Vot  difference  makes  dot  out,"  said  August, 
"when  the  people  is  uset  to  it,  an'  I  heerd  they  hat 
a  fool  born  effery  minute." 

Minnie  shuddered. 

"My!  What  a  wicked  place." 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  17 

"Well,  well,"  exclaimed  Uncle  Jeremiah,  hastily; 
"we've  all  got  to  take  our  medicine  sometime.  We 
have  to  chance  it  anyhow.  I  know  city  folks  who 
think  we  live  worse  than  they  do.  They  are  afeered 
to  come  out  here  for  the  danger  of  getting  hayseed 
in  their  hair.  They  think  they  are  liable  any  minute 
to  fall  into  a  well,  or  be  bit  by  a  goose,  or  see  a  snake 
or  be  kicked  by  a  mule  or  horned  by  a  cow  or  butted 
by  a  sheep  or  have  a  tree  fall  on  them." 

"Laws  a  massy,  really  do  tell,"  exclaimed  Mother 
Smith;  "could  you  believe  it,  there  was  sich  empty 
noggins  as  them  city  folks." 

"Well,  is  this  all  the  crowd  I  can  scare  up?" 
said  Uncle  Jeremiah.  "Just  four  with  Squint  for 
fifth.  I  thought  from  the  interestin'  crowd  at  the 
party  to-night  as  I'd  have  a  good  baker's  dozen,  any 
how." 

"Maybe  I'll  foller  up,"  said  August. 

All  laughed. 

"August's  got  his  weather  eye  open  fer  thet  po 
liceman,"  some  one  remarked. 

August  scowled. 

"Do  you  really  believe,"  inquired  Hiram  Jones, 
"as  it  is  wuth  seem',  anyhow?  It  mout  rain  all  the 
time  an'  you'd  all  catch  cold  and  couldn't  go  any 
how.  I  hear  there  won't  be  any  hoss  racin',  ner 
greece  pole  climin',  ner  no  sich  fun." 

"An'  I  hear,"  said  Hiram's  wife,  "thet  they've  got 


18  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

a  big  buildin'  dedicated  to  beaux  arts,  and  fer  one 
I  say  there's  'nough  temptations  fer  girls  to  be  tuck 
in  without  any  sich  larnin',  an'  'pon  my  word,  I 
don't  think  Mandy'd  better  go.  'Sides,  there's  a 
chanct  fer  to  git  losted  in  sich  crooked  places." 

"Summin'  it  all  up,  Uncle  Jerry,"  interposed  Silas 
Rogers,  "  I  reckon  you  all  is  about  fixed  with  all  you 
kin  handle,  and  we  can  git  a  fair  to  middlin'  idear  of 
the  sights  when  you  all  git  back  ef  ye  keep  yer  eyes 
along  and  limber  up  yer  tongues  when  you  all  git 
back.  'Sides  you  kin  tell  us,  ef  it's  wuth  the  on- 
convenience,  an'  by  directin'  of  us  on  the  back  track 
we  can  make  up  a  cold  trail  party  an'  make  the  hunt 
ourselves." 

"Watch  out,"  warned  Mother  Smith,  "thet  ye 
all  git  back  in  limber  clothes  an'  not  in  timber 
clothes,  an'  that  yer  hev  yer  minds  all  in  proper  gear 
with  the  'schinery  no  whar  out  o'  kelter.  No  tellin' 
how  sich  highfalutin'  sights  and  things  may  sarve 
onwary  travelers.  They  do  say  as  thar  is  cannabals 
there  as  hunt  heads  fer  a  livin',  an'  Indians  'nough  to 
take  all  yer  skelps  from  often  yer  skulls." 

There  suddenly  arose  a  bedlam  of  whoops  and 
yells  from  the  kitchen,  and  Nora  appeared,  bearing  a 
pan  of  apples  on  one  shoulder,  with  Helena  en 
throned  on  the  other.  The  child  held  in  one  hand  a 
dish  heaped  high  with  fudges  and  in  the  other  a  pan 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  19 

filled  with  cracked  walnuts.  A  dozen  eager  children 
were  trooping  about  in  a  vain  endeaver  to  be  fir:t 
served,  and  the  conference  over  the  proposed  edu 
cational  journey  was  at  end. 


CHAPTER  II. 

THE   VISION    AT   THE   GATES. 

Stumpburg  gathered  at  the  station  to  see  the 
fortunate  travelers  aboard  the  train  for  the  visionary 
wonders  reported  to  be  on  display  at  Saint  Looey. 
The  elated  ones  were  soon  whirled  away,  leaving 
the  depressed  home-stayers  to  wend  their  weary  way 
back  to  the  conglomeration  of  gardens,  orchards, 
fields  and  coal  shafts  known  as  Stumpburg. 

"Whew!"  exclaimed  Squint,  digging  frantically 
at  his  face  with  both  fists  as  he  drew  his  heac  in 
from  the  wide  view  he  was  taking,  as  far  as  he  could 
lean  out  of  the  car  window.  "I  gotter  cinder  plunk 
in  here,  somewhere.  Pity  you  can't  look  forrad 
with  any  confidence  'thout  the  engineer  throwin' 
a  coal-mine  back  at  ye.  I  like  to  obsarve  the  tele 
graph  posts  chasin'  past  the  trees,  and  everything 
outside  playing  ring-around  the  rosy." 

Meanwhile,  Nora  diligently  extracted  the  cinder, 
as  Squint  talked  to  defeat  the  pain,  and  the  young 
folks  scattered  over  the  car,  where  each  could  find 
a  window  through  which  to  view  the  flying  scenes 
outside. 

Uncle  Jeremiah  was  deep  in  passing  meditation 
when  Nora  came  back  to  him  in  considerable  distress 

20 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  21 

past  the  conductor,  who  was  busy  taking  up  the 
fares. 

"What's  the  matter,  Nora?"  he  asked. 

"The  conductor  has  robbed  me,"  she  replied.  "He 
took  ivery  cint  of  my  money  and  said  I'd  have  to 
borrow  half  a  dollar  more  from  my  friends." 

"Why  didn't  you  give  him  your  ticket?"  inquired 
Uncle  Jeremiah,  mystified. 


The  Sextette  of  Unafraids. 

"My  ticket;  that  is  to  the  fair,"  she  exclaimed. 
"How  could  I  iver  get  into  the  fair  if  he  took  that? 
I'd  rather  he'd  take  my  money.  He  asked  me  for 
my  ticket,  but  I  wouldn't  let  him  see  it  or  have  it, 
and  he  made  me  give  him  my  money.  He's  a  robber, 
so  he  is." 

"All  right,"  laughed  Uncle  Jeremiah,  as  the  con 
ductor  was  approaching.  "Let  me  have  your  ticket 


22  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

and  I'll  get  your  money  back,  and  promise  you  that 
you  won't  miss  the  fair,  either." 

The  exchange  of  ticket  for  the  money  was  made 
and  Nora,  though  mystified,  was  again  happy. 

"O,  me!  O,  my!"  she  exclaimed,  as  the  train 
crept  out  upon  the  great  bridge  over  the  father  of 
waters,  "is  this  the  Mississippi,  raelly?" 

"Of  couse  not,  you  ungeographical  Hibernian," 
replied  Ethelbert.  "This  is  only  a  piece  of  it.  The 
only  place  where  you  can  see  all  of  it  is  on  the  map." 

"Well,  you  needn't  make  such  terrible  swearing 
oaths  about  it,"  she  replied;  "I  ain't  no  cyclopeedia." 

"Anyway,  this  is  a  mighty  fine  piece  of  it,"  said 
Squint,  in  enthusiastic  contemplation,  "and  I  wish 
we  had  it  for  a  swimming  and  fishing  hole  in  the 
place  of  the  one  we've  got  at  Keg  creek." 

His  benevolent  wishes  for  the  convenience  of 
Stumpburg  vanished  with  the  view  as  they  plunged 
into  the  Missouri  shore  through  the  subterranean 
passage  to  the  Union  depot. 

Uncle  Jeremiah  had  explicit  instructions  how  to 
reach  the  hotel,  where  he  had  alrdady  engaged  ac 
commodations,  and  by  nightfall  the  Stumpburg 
neighbors  were  comfortably  at  home  in  their  suite 
of  four  adjoining  rooms.  They  were  speedily  mak 
ing  themselves  familiar  with  the  surroundings  and 
gathering  information  that  would  help  them  'in 
making  the  most  of  their  visit,  while  Uncle  Jeremiah 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  23 

was  finding  war  veterans  and  making  acquaintances 
rfs  speedily  as  could  be  done  only  through  the  fra 
ternity  of  battlefields.  Ethelbert  took  great  interest 
in  the  various  types  of  persons  who  came  into  the 
hotel,  and  he  took  considerable  pleasure  in  mystify 
ing  Nora  and  Matilda. 

"Come  here,  quick !"  he  called  to  his  sister,  as  they 
came  from  the  dining-room  after  the  evening  dinner. 
"Do  you  see  that  man  over  there  with  the  big  dia 
mond  on  his  shirt?  That's  a  lord." 

"An  English  lord?"  she  asked  in  awe-struck 
tones. 

"No,"  he  replied.  "It  is  an  American  lord;  an 
American  landlord.  He  operates  this  hotel." 

"Do  you  see  that  Frenchman  over  there?"  he 
asked  of  Nora.  "That  man  bosses  the  waiters.  He 
has  been  in  this  country  only  three  months  and  he 
can  speak  not  only  American,  but  six  other  lan 
guages.  You  have  been  in  this  country  nearly  twen 
ty-four  years  and  you  can't  talk  anything  but  Irish." 

"Indade,  it's  a  good  reason  I  have,"  she  replied. 
"I  lack  only  wan  thing  to  speak  siven  tongues,  as 
well  as  the  Frinchmin." 

"What  is  that?"  inquired  Ethelbert,  incredulously. 

"I  haven't  got  the  siven  tongues." 

As  they  were  talking,  a  woman  came  by,  dressed 
in  the  gingham  uniform  of  the  graduate  nurses'  as 
sociation. 


24 


"Look,"  said  Helena;  "there  goes  one  of  those 
tamed  nurses." 

Ethelbert  laughed  so  derisively  that  Helena  was 
much  offended. 

"You  go  ask  Uncle  Jeremiah,"  said  he,  soothingly, 
"who  tamed  the  nurse,  and,  if  he  tells  you,  I'll  give 
you  an  all-day  sucker  and  a  yard  of  white  wax  chew 
ing  gum." 

She  darted  away  to  earn  such  a  coveted  prize. 
After  considerable  search  she  at  last  found  that  he 
was  inaccessible  in  the  bath-room  taking  a  bath. 
She  returned  disconsolate. 

"I'll  have  to  wait  till  some  other  time,"  she  said. 
"He  has  gone  where  none  can  see  him  but  God  and 
the  angels." 

Matilda  was  shocked  and  she  was  giving  the  child 
a  good  shaking  for  her  irreverence,  when  they  saw 
Nora,  who  had  been  walking  out  in  the  hall,  coming 
up  to  them  under  considerable  confusion. 

"What's  the  matter,  Nora?"  inquired  Matilda, 
as  two  or  three  of  their  new-found  hotel  friends 
gathered  around  them. 

"O,  indade,"  she  said,  "I've  just  had  such  an  em 
barrassing  toime  with  Pat  McGinnis  of  Stoomp- 
burg." 

"I  didn't  know  Pat  is  here,"  interrupted  Ethel 
bert,  in  much  surprise. 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  25 

"Sure,  he  ain't,"  returned  Nora.  "That's  what 
made  it  so  embarrassing."  , 

"How  can  that  be?" 

"Sure,"  she  continued,  "I  met  him  out  in  the 
hall  and  I  said,  'Howdy,  Pat  McGinnis,'  and  he 
said,  'Howdy,  Bridget  McGuire !'  And  I  said,  Tat, 
you  know  I  am  not  Bridget  McGuire,'  and  he  said, 
'Bridget,  you  know  I'm  not  Pat  McGinnis.'  Then 
we  looked  at  each  other  close,  and  sure  enough  it 
was  nayther  of  us.  Now,  wouldn't  that  stump  your 
traces  with  a  break-neck  jerk?" 

They  all  thought  so,  when  they  were  able  to  figure 
out  the  facts,  and  Nora  was  so  upset  that  she  soon 
retired  to  her  room  for  the  night. 

There  was  no  trouble  in  arousing  any  one  the 
next  morning  to  start  in  due  time  for  the  fair,  but, 
before  going,  they  were  all  given  a  bad  quarter  of  an 
hour  as  a  reminder  of  the  possibilities  in  such  un 
accustomed  surroundings. 

The  youngest  member  of  the  quintet  was  missing" 
when  Nora  was  ready  to  get  the  flock  together,  but 
a  series  of  shrill  yells  from  the  bath-room  indicated 
that  the  absent  one  was  in  trouble. 

"Helena  Elenor/'  cried  Nora,  running  out  into 
the  hall,  "in  the  name  of  the  saints,  what's  the 
mather?" 

"I  can't  turn  the  key,"  she  cried.  "I'm  locked  in. 
Help!  Please  help  me  out." 


26 


"What's  the  matter?"  asked  Uncle  Jeremiah,  hur 
rying  down  the  hall. 

"O,  Uncle  Jerry,"  said  Nora,  wringing  her  hands 
in  great  distress.  "What  can  we  do?  The  poor 
child  is  all  locked  in  an'  she  can't  turn  the  key." 

They  could  hear  Helena  Elenor  weeping  bitterly 
at  the  terror  of  being  locked  in  that  dreadful  little 
room. 

By  this  time  the  hall  was  full  of  sympathetic  in 
quirers  offering  all  kinds  of  advice. 

Uncle  Jerry  got  upon  a  chair  and  looked  over 
the  transom.  Helena  Elenor  was  there,  indeed,  in 
distressful  plight. 

"Pull  the  key  out  and  see  if  you  can  throw  it 
up  here  where  I  can  catch  it." 

Uncle  Jerry  could  only  get  his  hand  and  wrist 
through  the  opening  of  the  transom,. 

She  drew  the  key  out  and  threw  it  time  and  again 
but  she  could  not  hit  Uncle  Jerry's  hand. 

"Send  for  a  locksmith,"  some  one  said. 

"O,  my  arm  is  give  clear  out,"  said  Helena,  "and 
I  can't  throw  any  more." 

Then  she  fell  again  to  weeping. 

"What's  the  mather  here,"  inquired  the  janitor, 
bustling  through  the  crowd,  and  giving  a  wrench  at 
the  doorknob. 

The  door  came  open  easily  and  revealed  the  aston- 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


27 


ished  Elenor  standing  like  a  statue  of  grief  before 
the  door. 

Uncle  Jeremiah  pulled  his  hand  back  through  the 


Uncle  Jerry  Got  Upon  a  Chair. 

transom  so  hastily  that  he  skinned  his  knuckles  and 
the  pain  distracted  his  attention  so  that  he  missed 
his  balance  on  the  chair  and  tipped  across  the  back 


28  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

onto  the  shoulders  of  half  a  dozen  women,  which 
eased  his  fall  to  the  floor. 

"Great  people,  these  blasted  country  jays!"  ex 
claimed  the  janitor,  in  disgust,  as  he  went  away. 
"They  don't  know  the  use  of  even  a  doorknob." 

In  truth,  the  door  had  not  been  locked,  but  all  had 
accepted  the  child's  idea  as  a  fact. 

The  world's  fair  signs  on  the  fronts  of  the  cars 
were  big  enough  for  even  the  most  ignorant  man  to 
read,  and  they  gave  a  corresponding  thrill  to  the 
anticipating  sightseer  who  was  making  his  first  trip 
out  to  the  grounds.  The  outside  windows  of  the 
cars  were  free  and  open,  but  those  next  to  the  other 
track  were  covered  half  way  to  the  top  with  bars. 
Squint  and  Helena,  not  to  be  debarred  by  such 
trivial  obstacles  from  seeing  all  of  Saint  Looey  they 
could  get  into  view,  got  their  heads  out  over  these 
bars  together,  and  were  complacently  taking  in  the 
sights,  when  the  conductor  caught  them  by  the  arm 
and  jerked  them  back  into  the  seat. 

"Do  you  want  to  get  your  heads  cut  off?"  he 
tragically  exclaimed.  "A  car  will  come  along  here 
and  snip  them  off  like  a  Johnny-jump-up.  Lots  of 
people  lose  their  heads  here  in  this  town." 

The  youngsters  cowered  down  in  their  seats  and 
did  not  recover  till  the  world's  fair  buildings  came 
into  sight. 

The  Stumpburg  neighbors  had  now  arrived.  They 


AND  HIS   NEIGHBORS  .29 

were  soon  through  the  turn-stiles  and  the  promised 
vision  was  before  them. 

"The  World's  Fair!  Yes,  the  world's  fair.  I 
never  saw  the  world  more  fair,"  said  Uncle  Jere 
miah,  as  he  stood  with  his  eager  and  expectant  group 
of  sightseers  on  that  gracious  day  of  June,  just  in 
side  the  gates  and  beheld  the  wondrous  prospects  of 
the  Cascade  City. 

The  characters  of  all  were  mirrored  in  their 
shining  eyes  as  the  fine  view  .burst  upon  them.  They 
looked  out  upon  the  alluring  groves  of  paradise 
searching  for  the  attraction  that  would  draw  them 
first. 

Ethelbert  glanced  about  with  a  knowing  smile  in 
anticipation  of  the  chance  he  would  have  to  show 
his  companions  how  much  a  senior  high  school  boy 
knew ;  Matilda,  his  sister,  was  two  years  younger 
and  she  took  in  the  view  with  the  awe  of  melting 
sentiment.  It  made  no  difference  where  she  went 
first,  for  the  privilege  itself  was  worthy  of  her 
tears. 

Ethelbert  and  Matilda  both  had  rather  exalted 
worldly  expectations  and  there  would  be  no  fashion 
or  style  from  royalty  to  rags  that  they  would  not 
absorb,  even  at  the  expense  of  seeing  anything  else. 

Nora  was  housekeeper  at  Helena's  home  and  in 
cidentally  attended  to  the  lively  wants  of  the  nimble 
eight-year-old,  for  which  she  was  allowed  the  extra 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

reward  of  being  one  of  Uncle  Jere 
miah's  party  with  Helena  as  compan 
ion. 

"It  just  makes  me  heart  wiggle  to 
see  such  a  lovely  sight,"  said  Helena 
to  Matilda,  but  she  was  able  only  to 
nod  her  head  in  reply.  All  stood  there 
open-mouthed  in  dumb  surprise,  ex 
cepting  number  five.  He  had  no  time 
to  lose  in  surprise.  His  name  wasn't 
Squint,  but  what's  the  use — everybody 
'called  him  Squint — because  everybody 
else  always  had  done  so,  and  no  one 
would  know  him  by  any  other  name.. 
Squint  never  said  much  more  than  a 
fox,  but  he  could  do  more  things  than 
a  monkey.  It  took  only  about  three 
bats  of  his  eye  for  him  to  take  in  the 
.whole  situation.  He  then  surveyed  the 
scenes  in  detail  with  the  blink  of  an 
owl  half  way  between  daylight  and 
dark,  and  there  was  no  doubt  that  he 
would  get  his  money's  worth.  A  med 
ley  of  sounds  from  brass  bands  to  bag 
pipes  and  heathen  reeds  came  pouring 
over  to  them  from  the  unseen  realms 
known  as  the  Pike. 

"Pike's  peak  or  bust,"  yelled  Squint, 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  31 

as  he  darted  away  toward  the  music  like  a  thin  flake 
of  iron  toward  a  magnet. 

"Come  back  here,  you,  Squint,"  cried  Nora  after 
him,  but  he  was  beyond  hearing. 

"Let  the  little  scamp  go,"  said  Uncle  Jeremiah. 
"We  can't  lose  Squint.  He  knows  how  to  get  back 
to  our  lodging  house,  and  that's  enough  for  him." 

"Well,  what's  the  verdict?"  asked  Uncle  Jere 
miah.  "Where  shall  we  go  first?" 

The  look  they  all  gave  him  showed  at  once  that 
he  had  made  a  fatal  blunder.  When  a  commander 
asks  his  subordinates  what  to  do  he  is  undone,  and 
his  command  is  gone. 

"The  electricity  and  machinery  building  first  and 
last  for  me,"  said  Ethelbert.  "You  know  I  am  going 
to  be  an  electrical  engineer." 

"I  want  to  go  straight  to  the  art  building,"  plain 
tively  implored  Mildred.  "I  want  to  see  the  glorious 
paintings." 

"Don't  talk,"  said  Nora,  "it's  lookin'  I  want. 
Come  on  somewhere." 

'  "Uncle  Jerry,"  said  Ethelbert,  beseechingly,  "you 
'tend  to  the  girls  to-day  and  I'll  take  them  off  your 
hands  to-morrow." 

He  didn't  wait  for  any  agreement  to  this  pro 
posal,  but  hurried  away  like  the  bear  that  went  over 
the  mountain  to  see  what  he  could  see. 


32  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"Well,  what  do  you  say,"  said  Uncle  Jeremiah, 
"to  us  taking  a  general  look  all  around  on  the  out 
side  first  and  after  that  every  man  for  himself  if  he 
wants  to?" 

That  was  something  definite  to  begin  with,  and 
they  went  straight  from  the  Lindell  entrance  along 
the  Plaza  of  Saint  Louis  up  to  the  grand  basin. 
Uncle  Jeremiah  and  his  three  faithful  followers 
stood  before  the  flowing  cascades  and  towering 
groups  of  statuary  absorbed  in  the  beauty  and  glory 
of  their  splendid  display.  "What  a  wonderland  for 
the  eye!"  he  exclaimed. 

"What  an  inspiration  for  exaltation  of  soul !  The 
nobility  of  art  expressed  from  the  will  of  man! 
Majestic  buildings  rich  in  the  finest  architectural 
beauty,  and 'filled  with  material  messages  to  us,  made 
in  spiritual  significance,  from  a  universal  human 
brotherhood !  For  surging  millions  of  happy  people, 
it  is  a  silent  and  supreme  industrial  university  in  the 
achievements  of  mankind.  A  magnificent  spectacle 
in  the  triumphant  will  of  human  evolution,  a  mighty 
epic  poem  composed  by  millions  through  the  long 
course  of  historic  ages !" 

He  thought  of  the  superlative  achievements  in 
science  and  art  that  had  come  to  pass  since  he  was 
a  boy  to  make  these  things  possible.  No  imagina 
tion  had  ever  dreamed  so  extensively,  no  prophet 
had  ever  been  able  even  to  hint  at  such  wonders. 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  33 

High  up  on  the  mount  before  them  was  the 
choral  temple,  reached  by  wide,  winding  stairways 
and  between  them  was  a  series  of  roaring  cataracts 
in  a  perspective  of  high  spouting  fountains  and 
towering  groups  of  beings  that  seemed  almost  ani 
mate  in  the  quivering  reflections  and  undulating 
light. 

.  But  the  eyes  could  not  long  endure  this  stu 
pendous  spectacle,  and  there  were  other  things  they 
must  see.  Behind  them,  in  a  sky-line  that  seemed 
to  reach  incredibly  high  for  the  works  of  man,  was 
a  scene  of  the  Tyrolean  Alps.  It  seemed  to  be  the 
landmark  toward  outside  scenes,  and  they  turned 
back  to  pass  along  that  way  as  the  most  promising 
view  of  the  widening  wonders  cf  the  grounds. 


CHAPTER  III. 

SEEING  THINGS  AROUND  ON   THE  OUTSIDE. 

The  medley  of  sounds  and  fairy-land  of  scenes 
were  bewildering  and  confusing  as  though  the  peo 
ple  were  pigmys  in  a  giant's  playhouse.  In  fact  the 
nations  were  the  giants  and  this  was  a  kind  of  busi 
ness  playhouse  for  their  little  ones. 

As  they  walked  on  into  the  Pike  they  came  into 
a  subdued  babel  of  tongues  spoken  from  a  hodge 
podge  of  humanity  that  could  be  gotten  together 
only  as  an  accompaniment  to  such  an  international 
enterprise. 

Forms  of  strangers  never  seen  before  among  us, 
with  gestures  as  abundant  as  their  voluminous  flow 
of  words,  overwhelmed  the  new  visitor  to  this  show- 
place  of  nations. 

"Let's  sit  down  here  and  watch  those  people,'" 
said  Uncle  Jeremiah.  "I  like  to  sit  here  under  the 
drenching  sun,  as  I  used  to  do  by  my  barn,  while 
I  watch  the  antics  of  the  queer  Asiatics  as  I  watched 
my  calves.  It  is  restful  and  entertaining,  for  it  saves 
going  to  sleep  in  order  to  dream.  Flower  girls, 
donkey  boys  and  camel  drivers  squat  among  the  don 
keys  and  camels  and  smoke  cigarettes  while  they 
chatter  in  regular  barnyard  happiness.  Some  even- 

34 


AND  HIS   NEIGHBORS  35 

ing  I  want  to  sit  here  and  see  this  barnyard  social 
scatter,  as  soon  as  the  Mohammedan  priest  has  called 
the  prophet's  worshipers  to  prayer  from  the  minaret 
of  their  tower.  I  did  so  once  before  in  the  Colum 
bian  fair  and  it  was  a  mild  and  solemn  sound  to  be 
transplanted  to  this  foreign  atmosphere.  It  seemed 
to  me  that  I  could  see  the  glint  of  the  wide  Nile, 
smell  the  perfumes  of  the  wild  lotus  and  look  not 
only  upon  the  camels  and  Arabs,  but  upon  pyramids 
and  deserts.  Even  now,  I  can  easily  fancy  that  I 
feel  the  soft  winds  of  Egypt  and  the  whole  vision 
of  its  enormous  history  comes  over  me  to  remind 
me  of  the  smallness  of  human  beings  in  the  long 
sweep  of  time. 

"The  sun  is  now  throwing  its  golden  beams  upon 
this  scene  as  if  translated  races  of  far  off  ages  were 
using  it  as  a  search  light  of  the.  universe  to  discover 
what  all  this  means.  When  these  streams  of  light 
are  turned  away  in  night,  then  the  moon  and  stars 
come  out  to  dream  over  what  has  been  seen." 

"Poor  fellows,"  said  Nora,  observing  some  Turks 
standing  against  the  fence  near  their  sedan  chair, 
while  the  straps  which  they  attached  to  the  handles 
hung  over  the  shoulders  in  readiness  for  use.  "I 
suppose  they  have  to  make  their  own  clothes,  but 
the  haythens  air  larnin'  our  fashions  as  fast  as  they 
can.  They  have  the  galluses  very  good,  but  look 
at  the  sag  in  their  pants.  It's  indacent  to  have 


36 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


sich  bad  taste,  or  to  have  to  wear  sich  clothes  in 
public." 

"Look  at  the  Egyptian  women,"  interrupted  Ma 
tilda.  "Why  do  they 
keep  up  that  custom  here 
of  covering  their  faces?" 
"I  know,"  quickly  re- 
plied  the  sapient  Helena; 
"it  is  to  keep  out  the 
flies." 

"Indade,"  said  Nora, 
"I  thought  they  were  in  a 
masquerade,  or  were 
showin'  some  kind  of  a 
robber  play;  maybe  imi 
tating  the  white  caps." 

Helena  found  a  place 
where  she  was  soon  in 
tently  looking  through  at 
some  Asiatics  in  a  tent. 
Nora  went  over  to  take  a 
look,  also.  Presently  she 
came  back  very  much  incensed. 

"Did  you  see  that  woman  spakin'  to  me?"  she 
asked. 

"Yes,  I  did,"  said  Matilda. 

"The  impudent  hussy;  what  do  you  think  she 


'Look  at  the  Sag!" 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  37 

axed  me?  She  said,  said  she,  'Air  ye  long  on  the 
ground?'  Without  a  wurrud  I  stuck  out  my  foot 
to  show  it  was  no  longer  than  hers.  I  understood 
her  insinuation  and  I  toorned  indignantly  away!" 

"Look,  there  comes  a  dromedary,"  said  Matilda; 
"isn't  he  a  queer  looking  animal?" 

"But  he's  got  a  queer  name,"  said  Nora,  "What 
else  could  ye  expect?  Drumedairy,  indade.  An' 
why  did  they  give  the  poor  crayture  sich  a  name?" 

"I  know,"  said  Helena.  "You  can  see,  if  you 
look.  It's  'cause  he's  got  a  drum  on  his  back." 

"Look  yonder  at  the  hay  then  smokin'  cigarettes," 
said  Nora,  as  several  Turks  came  by  puffing  their 
little  cigars.  "It's  a  shame  how  soon  they  larn 
sich  bad  habits  so  quick  in  this  Christian  country." 

Meanwhile,  the  quartet  of  visitors  had  been  wan 
dering  on  from  place  to  place,  until  they  came  to 
a  Laplander's  pavilion,  where  a  grassy  plot  sug 
gested  another  resting  place.  They  soon  became  in 
terested  in  two  persons  near  them  who  were  en 
deavoring  to  learn  something  about  each  other's 
customs  and  countries.  One  was  a  Laplander  and 
the  other  was  an  Arab.  Both  could  speak  English 
fairly  well,  and  appeared  much  above  the  average 
of  their  countrymen  in  both  curiosity  and  intelli 
gence. 

"It  takes  more  money  to  live  here  than  in  your 
country,"  suggested  the  Arab. 


38 


"Naa,"  he  answered.  "Spend  allee  make  allee 
time.  Spend  eblyting  for  whale  blub  in  my  coun- 
1  ry  to  keep  warm ;  spend  allee  glot  in  des  country  for 
ice  to  keep  clold." 

"  What  you  do  in  yo'  country  ?"  he  continued. 

"I  sit  and  walk  and  ride,"  said  the  Arab.  "I  have 
my  horse  and  the  desert." 


"Spend  Eblyting  for  Whale  Blub." 

The  Laplander  grunted. 

"I  have  ice-house  an'  wibe  an'  cheeld." 

A  vigorous  commotion  near  the  entrance  to  Cairo 
caused  the  resting  group  to  arise  and  walk  over 
that  way  to  see  what  strange  thing  could  be  hap 
pening. 

A  cadaverous-looking  man  had  fallen  near  the 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  89 

entrance  and  a  portly-looking  gentleman  had  run  to 
his  relief.  The  good  Samaritan  had  placed  a  medi 
cine  case  on  the  ground  and  was  administering  a 
restorative  to  the  stricken  man. 

"Stand  aside  and  give  the  man  room  and  air." 
Some  self-constituted  assistant  executed  his  orders 
by  holding  back  the  swiftly  gathering  crowd. 

"No  use  to  call  for  the  patrol,"  the  doctor  called 
out.  "He  will  be  all  right  in  a  minute.  He  has 
merely  fainted.  The  man  is  evidently  a  workman 
suffering  from  hunger.  He  is  probably  too  proud 
to  ask  for  assistance." 

A  slender,  neatly-dressed  young  man,  at  this,  took 
off  his  derby  and  very  ostentatiously  threw  in  two 
silver  dollars,  making  them  clink  as  if  he  were  test 
ing  their  genuineness.  Then  he  passed  around  his 
hat.  It  reached  Uncle  Jeremiah  and  he  was  about 
to  throw  in  a  piece  of  money  for  the  starving  work 
man,  when  a  shrill  voice  cried  out,  "Don't  you  do  it, 
Uncle  Jerry.  I  seed  them  same  three  fellers  do  the 
same  act  in  the  Japanese  village." 

The  philanthropic  young  man  turned  as  if  passing 
his  hat  on  to  others,  but  in  a  moment  he  was  out  of 
the  crowd  and  passing  swiftly  from  view  among  the 
throng  of  pedestrians.  The  astonished  bystanders 
could  not  turn  from  pity  to  anger  soon  enough  to 
intercept  the  tricksters.  The  fainting  man  had,  in 
deed,  rapidly  recovered  under  the  doctor's  specifics, 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  41 

and  the  doctor  himself  was  too  modest  to  be  seen. 
The  precious  trio  had  vanished. 

"How  did  you  happen  to  be  here  ?"  inquired  Uncle 
Jeremiah,  rather  vaguely,  in  the  midst  of  his  sur 
prise. 

"O,  I  jist  seed  them  fellers  do  it  over  at  the  Jap 
anese  place,"  said  Squint,  "and  I  jist  been  follerin' 
them  around  to  see  'em  do  it  again." 

"Well,  let's  go  take  a  drink,"  said  Uncle  Jere 
miah.  "I  see  a  place  back  here  where  they've  got 
lemonade." 

The  quintet  repaired  at  once  to  the  place  of  re 
freshment,  to  drown  their  incidental  distrust  of 
human  nature  in  the  flowing  glass. 

"Ain't  ye  got  any  lemonade  that's  red?"  anxiously 
inquired  Nora. 

"No,  madam,  we  don't  keep  it.  Red  lemonade 
would  have  to  be  imported.  We  can't  color  St. 
Louis  water." 

"Do  tell!"  exclaimed  Nora.  "I  heard  a  woman 
say  that  the  worst  thing  about  St.  Louis  was  its 
water,  and  the  other  wan  said,  slightingly,  'O,  that's 
a  matter  of  taste.'  I  thought  the  color  might  kill  the 
microobes." 

All  were  drinking  their  lemonade  with  much  relish 
when  Squint  called  out,  "Say,  Nora,  what  for  do  you 
pull  down  your  veil  and  drink  through  it?" 

"Ah,  shut  up,  you  meddlin'  spalpeen,"  Nora  re- 


42  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

plied,  much  annoyed.  "You  should  not  spake  to  a 
loidy  who  is  drinking.  Sure,  don't  I  want  to  strain 
out  the  microobs  from  the  water?  Sure,  we  can't 
stop  to  boil  it." 

The  quintet  walked  on  in  subdued  silence.  Just 
ahead  of  them  a  man  and  woman  were  walking 
along  quite  briskly  with  a  rather  tired  looking  boy 
tagging  at  their  heels.  A  dozen  Algerians  came 
by,  led  by  two  who  were  making  some  weird  music 
upon  reeds  modeled  like  a  fife.  The  boy  stopped, 
entranced,  while  the  parents  walked  on  and  were 
lost  sight  of  in  the  crowds. 

Presently  the  boy  discovered  that  he  was  alone. 
He  gave  out  a  few  yells  and  then  began  to  run 
around  in  a  circle  with  all  the  kinds  of  sounds  that 
a  boy  can  make.  Women  began  to  crowd  around. 
Two  passing  guards  came  up.  Two  or  three  women 
knelt  around  the  child  and  distracted  him  with 
strange  faces  and  stranger  questions.  A  dozen  or 
more  men  were  deployed  in  a  ring  on  the  outskirts 
watching  the  motherly  efforts  of  the  women.  The 
boy  became  more  and  more  dazed  and  alarmed  at  so 
much  unexpected  and  unaccountable  attention.  Two 
young  women  and  a  man  began  to  part  their  way 
through  the  crowd  for  snap  shots  with  their  can> 
eras.  Then  there  was  a  large  commotion.  A  woman 
came  yelling  down  the  Pike  and  charged  into  the 
crowd.  Her  husband  followed  close  behind,  saying, 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


43 


"O,  for  heaven's  sake,  Gracie,  don't  make  a  spectacle 
of  yourself.     The  kid'll  turn  up  all  right." 

But  such  was  the  force  of  custom  that  all  would 


A  Woman  Came  Yelling  Down  the  Pike. 

have  pronounced  her  a  heartless  mother  if  she  had 
not  done  just  that  way. 

Notwithstanding  the  excitement,  Nora  was  still 
in  a  roiled  state  of  feelings  as  the  crowd  began  to 


44  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

thin  out  and  take  to  its  several  ways.  She  noticed 
that  a  spry-looking  young  man  was  standing  in 
rather  familiar  proximity. 

"Hello,  Bridget,"  he  said,  smilingly,  lifting  his 
hat  as  to  an  old  acquaintance,  "which  way  are  you 
going?" 

"An'  how  did  ye  find  out  that  my  name  was 
Bridget?" 

"Guessed  it." 

"Well,  sor,"  she  answered,  loftily,  "ye  may  guess 
which  way  I'm  going  an'  make  tracks  the  other 
way  like  a  brindle  calf  in  weanen  time,  whin  I  hoist 
me  foot  in  its  flanks." 

The  crowd  swallowed  him  up  and  Nora  kept  step 
with  Uncle  Jeremiah  till  she  forgot  it. 

"Ho,  ho,"  cried  Squint.  "Jist  clap  yer  eyes  onto 
the  sign." 

He  pointed  out  a  peculiar  sign  over  the  narrow 
doorway  of  a  booth. 

"Beer,  Sausages,  Hot  Lunch,  Dancing  Girls,  25 
cents." 

"That's  cheap,  Uncle  Jerry,"  said  Squint,  "an' 
I'm  gettin'  hungry.  I  s'pose  we  should  order  the 
girls  boiled." 

Uncle  Jerry  did  not  see  any  room  for  a  reply  and 
they  passed  on  to  the  end  of  the  street" 

Squint  observed  a  familiar  form  in  a  big  crowd 
that  was  gathered  about  the  entrance  of  one  of 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  45 

the  shows  and  straightway  brought  forth  Master 
Ethelbert  to  his  companions. 

"I  thought  you  were  among  the  electricity  ex 
hibits,"  said  Uncle  Jeremiah. 

"Well,  I  just  got  interested  along  here  and  forgot 
it,"  he  answered,  apologetically. 

"O,  I  know,"  said  Squint,  "why  he  didn't  go 
there.  He's  afraid  some  of  the  'lectricity  might  get 
away  and  bump  into  him.  When  I  go  there  I  want 
to  go  in  a  rubber  bag." 

"I  guess  temptations  overcame  his  good  inten 
tions,"  returned  Uncle  Jeremiah.  "Many  a  young 
man  before  him  has  started  out  along  the  royal  road 
of  knowledge  and  ended  in  the  Pike  of  life." 

Ethelbert  looked  as  though  his  feelings  were  suf 
fering  a  kind  of  green-apple  misery  and  Uncle  Jere 
miah  let  them  glide  into  the  general  merriment,  as 
they  were  now  all  alike  walking  the  Pike  together. 
Presently,  as  they  passed  the  end  of  the  Transpor 
tation  building  Nora  ran  to  an  entrance  for  a  glimpse 
and  came  back  immediately  with  tragedy  written 
in  her  face.  Her  companions  stopped. 

"I  just  walked  right  under  a  horse  as  high  as 
a  house/'  she  exclaimed,  "and  I  ran  away  from 
it  right  into  a  railroad  accident  where  dozens  of 
people  all  cut-  up  are  lying  in  a  heap;  arms  and 
legs  and  heads !  It's  awful !" 

Such  an  exciting  novelty  all  wanted  to'  see  and 


46 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


they  hastened  in.     Squint  got  there  first  and  his  yell 
of  delight  greeted  them  as  they  approached.   . 

"A  wood  horse  and  a  pack  of  broke-up  dum 
mies,"  he  explained,  and  their  nerves  began  to  slow 
down,  but  Nora  continued  to  look  wild  for  at  least 
half  an  hour.  Before  them  loomed  the  great  spectre 


A  Horse  as  High  as  a  House. 

that  had  so  long  been  a  relic  of  the  Midway  Plais- 
ance  at  the  Columbian  Exposition.  Uncle  Jeremiah 
looked  musingly  at  the  big  Ferris  wheel,  which  had 
been  brought  from  Chicago  and  re-christened  "Ob 
servation  Wheel." 

"This  is  a  toy  for  men  as  a  merry-go-round  is  for 
children,"  he  soliloquized.     "It  is  a  kind  of  symbol 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  47 

also  of  life.  We  rise  higher  and  higher  to  the 
lights  of  our  hopes,  catching  glimpses  of  landscapes 
and  strange  villages  of  other  nations,  with  little  real 
knowledge  of  things  seen,  so  swiftly  do  we  pass. 
Then  they  all  begin  to  be  blurred  into  one  another 
as  we  reach  the  top.  Nothing  is  close  and  complete 
but  our  family  and  friends  in  the  same  car.  We 
hear  the  coarse  grind  of  machinery  from  some 
power  wholly  beyond  us  to  touch  or  to  hold.  There 
is  no  rest,  no  solitude,  no  peace.  By  and  by  the 
grinding  ceases  and  we  are  back  to  the  earth,  from 
whence  we  came,  close  to  nothingness  and  the  sod. 
.  Darkness  falls,  the  night  comes  on,  and  it  has 
profited  us  nothing  if  we  have  gained  the  whole 
world  and  yet  found  nothing  else." 

"Isn't  it  funny,"  interrupted  Helena.  "Such  a 
big  wheel  with  such  a  little  hub." 

"Wouldn't  it  make  a  fine  wheel  for  Niagara 
Falls,"  commented  Ethelbert.  "Just  like  Niagara 
Falls,  it  doesn't  look  half  so  big  till  you  get  under 
it  and  look  up;  then  it  looks  as  if  it  were  plowing 
the  clouds." 

The  long  walls  of  the  Agricultural  building 
loomed  up  before  them  beyond  the  gaily  decked 
building  of  France,  and  they  went  on  around  toward 
it  till  they  saw  the  tops  of  the  Filipino  houses,  when 
they  turned  across  Arrow-head  Lake  and  were  in  the 
midst  of  the  exhibit  of  our  far-away  colonies.  Num- 


±8  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

bers  of  the  Filipino  soldiers  in  the  regular  army  of 
the  United  States  passed,  neat  and  trim  as  any  per 
sons  ever  seen  in  the  government  service.  Near 
where  these  soldiers  were  encamped  was  the  bamboo 
stockade  in  which  were  kept  the  breech-clouted,  but 
otherwise  naked,  Tgorrotes,  from  the  mountains  of 
Luzon.  Their  tribe  was  head-hunters  that  had  never 
been  conquered  during  all  the  three  hundred  years 
of  Spanish  occupation. 

Ethelbert  became  busy  with  his  notebook.  He 
found  the  white  man  in  charge  and  asked  many  ques 
tions.  He  noted  among  the  peculiarities  of  the 
Igorrotes  that  they  rear  dogs  for  food  as  civilized 
folks  do  hogs.  Note:  What  is  the  aesthetic  dis 
tinction,  anyway,  between  a  dog  and  a  hog?  They 
hunt  with  blow  guns.  They  live  in  the  mountains 
of  Luzon  and  are  afraid  of  thunder.  The  women 
wear  combs  made  of  bamboo.  Their  huts  are  built 
in  the  thickets.  They  chew  betel  nuts.  The  women 
and  men  exchange  a  handful  of  rice  and  that  is  mar 
riage.  The  United  States  government  report  calls 
them  head-hunters.  The  American  soldiers  call 
them  jungle  hornets.  Their  chief  priest  or  medicine 
man  is  never  allowed  to  die  a  natural  death.  As 
soon  as  he  is  sick  his  chief  pupil  is  sworn  in  and 
kills  him  to  prevent  death  having  the  victory. 

But  there  was  a  never-ending  series  of  discoveries 
to  be  recorded  concerning  the  differences  between 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  49 

the  yellow  and  white  races.  Every  exhibit  and  custom 
seemed  to  be  reversed  in  the  people  of  the  Orient 
from  those  in  the  Occident.  He  completed  this  rec 
ord  with  peculiarities  of  the  Chinese  and  Japanese. 
The  front  pages  of  their  magazines  are  in  the  back 
and  their  back  covers  in  front.  They  read  from 
right  to  left  in  lines  that  run  perpendicular.  They 
shake  their  own  hands.  They  always  keep  purposely 
out  of  step  in  walking.  To  be  polite,  they  put  their 
hats  on  instead  of  taking  them  off.  They  whiten] 
their  boots  instead  of  blackening  them.  They  put' 
their  heels,  not  their  toes,  in  stirrups  when  riding.^ 
They  arrange  the  compass  to  point  south.  They 
esteem  the  seeds  of  melons  a  greater  delicacy  thant 
the  meat.  They  have  ceremony  and  the  formality 
of  social  relationships  in  the  place  of  morality  and 
their  religion  is  entirely  a  creed  of  philosophy. 

From  the  Filipino  village  they  passed  on  by  way 
of  the  Horticultural  building  toward  the  camp  of 
the  Boers.  As  they  came  into  the  road  near  the 
south  end  of  the  Agricultural  building  their  attention 
was  attracted  by  a  loud  yell,  which  was  so  confused 
in  sound  as  to  give  little  idea  of  the  direction  from 
whence  it  came. 

They  were  approaching  a  group  of  men  standing 
in  a  peculiar  attitude  between  the  two  buildings. 

"Hello!"  yelled  one  of  them. 

As  there  was  no  one  else  near  for  them  to  call  to 


50  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

like  that,  the  Stumpburg  folks  were  mystified,  if  not 
startled,  at  such  familiarity. 

They  stopped  near  the  men  to  satisfy  their  curios 
ity  as  to  the  cause  of  such  familiarity. 

"Hello!"  cried  another,  and  a  distinct  hello  was 
heard  twice  repeated. 

"We  are  listening  at  this  echo,"  explained  one  of 
the  men.  "Sometimes  we  can  hear  it  repeated  three 
times.  Isn't  it  wonderful?" 

"I  can't  call  it  specially  wonderful,"  replied  one 
of  the  men.  "We  had  at  my  town  when  I  was  a 
boy  an  echo  between  the  bluffs  of  our  little  river 
which  would  repeat  the  sound  of  a  revolver  shot  five 
times,  and  the  last  was  like  the  crack  of  a  whip." 

"That's  nothing,"  replied  another.  "In  my  town 
we  had  an  echo  between  two  churches  that  would 
repeat  seven  times  a»loud  yell  of  any  kind  and  the 
last  would  be  a  distinct  'Amen.'  ' 

"Pshaw!"  exclaimed  another.  "You  folks  haven't 
heard  real  live  echoes.  There  was  one  between  two 
hills  near  where  I  lived  that  would  repeat,  aloud, 
'who's  there'  nine  times  and  the  last  was  a  very  im 
polite  yell  of  'None  of  your  business.' ' 

"Those  two  hills  weren't  as  intelligent  as  two 
near  my  home,"  replied  another.  "A  colony  of 
Irishmen  lived  on  one  hill  slope  and  a  colony  of  Ger 
mans  on  the  other.  At  sundown  a  German  would 
yell,  'Katzenyamrner  Irish/  and  that  voice  would 


51 


bound  back  and  forth  between  those  hills  till  dark, 
when  the  last  sound  heard  was  'Sauerkraut  Dutch.'  ' 

"  That's  nothing  compared  with  what  I  heard  at  a 
place  among  the  Alps,"  returned  another. 

But  Uncle  Jeremiah  spread  out  his  arms  and 
swept  the  Stumpburg  bunch  onward  so  that  they 
could  survive  the  fall  in  imagination  from  the  heights 
of  such  echo  stories. 

"Is  anyone  getting  tired?"  inquired  Uncle  Jere 
miah. 

Tired !  No  one  had  thought  of  such  a  thing,  but 
there  was  a  significant  consultation  of  watches.  It 
was  now  noon  and  they  had  entered  the  grounds  at 
nine  o'clock! 

"I  feel  as  hollow,"  said  Ethelbert,  "as  one  of  those 
echo  stories." 

"And  I  feel,"  said  Nora,  "as  weak  as  a  bag-pipe 
after  a  shindig." 

"A  table  exhibit  in  the  nearest  restaurant  would 
be  a  glorious  sight,"  added  Matilda,  "and  there's  a 
sign  of  one  over  there  by  the  bridge." 

The  Stumpburg  visitors  hastened  that  way  and 
were  soon  seated  in  expectant  anticipation  of  re 
freshments  as  exquisite  and  exhilarating  as  the  sights 
and  scenes  of  the  great  fair. 


CHAPTER  IV. 

ALL  AROUND  THE  WORLD  IN  A  DAY. 

Uncle  Jeremiah  consulted  the  bill  of  fare  and  made 
out  his  order  according  to  his  estimate  of  the  indi 
vidual  appetites.  The  tables  were  crowded  and  the 
wait  was  long  for  impatient  persons  to  b<»  served. 
Accustomed  to  the  general  familiarity  or  country 
people,  mutual  curiosity  and  talkativeness  soon 
opened  the  way  to  conversation  with  near  neighbors 
as  a  necessary  means  to  pass  away  the  waiting  in 
tervals. 

"Are  you  a  native  of  St.  Looey?"  inquired  the 
gallant  young  man  sitting  next  to  Nora  at  the 
table. 

"A  phat?" 

Nora  would  have  said  "what,"  but  her  brogue 
was  flexible  and  broadened  according  to  her  per 
plexity. 

"Are  you  a  native  of  this  city?"  the  young  man 
repeated. 

Helena  saw  that  she  was  bewildered. 

"Nora,"  she  exclaimed  in  a  disgusted  tone,  "don't 
you  know  what  native  is  ?  He  wants  to  know  if  you 
were  living  here  when  you  were  born,  or  if  you  were 
born  before  you  had  begun  to  be  living  here," 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  53 

"How  can  I  tell?"  she  replied  to  the  query.  "I 
was  only  beginning  to  run  around  whin  me  father 
and  mither  left  auld  Ireland.  But  I'm  a  Hoosier, 
now,"  she  continued  to  the  young  man,  "and  if  you 
iver  come  within  visitin'  distance  of  my  home  I  hope 
ye  may  sthop  there  as  long  as  ye  plaze  and  thin 
you  may  find  out  if  I  am  a  native  or  not." 

In  the  contemplation  of  such  a  dubious  suggestion 
the  young  man  waxed  into  silence. 

Squint  was  sorely  puzzled  at  a  man  across  the 
table-from  him.  He  studied  the  gentleman  with  an 
interest  that  developed  into  a  countenance  blank  with 
indecision.  The  man  ate  his  dinner  unconcernedly, 
but  his  right  eye  was  fastened  on  Squint,  and  it 
never  veered  nor  winked.  Squint  became  uneasy. 
He  swayed  far  over  to  one  side  and  then  to  the  other, 
but  the  eye  never  changed.  It  began  to  appear  to 
him  as  if  it  were  as  big  as  a  full  moon  rising  red 
from  behind  the  shaggy  lines  of  a  distant  grove. 
Presently  a  terrorizing  thought  seized  him.  He  had 
heard  of  the  evil  eye  and  the  hypnotic  spell.  A 
man  with  such  an  eye  must  be  a  demon.  But  he 
had  met  and  vanquished  many  a  ghostly  object 
about  his  granny's  house,  in  many  a  black  night,  and 
he  didn't  propose  to  surrender  without  a  struggle. 
Leaning  forward  he  said  in  a  high-keyed  whisper, 
*' Mister,  be  ye  lookin'  at  me?" 


54  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

The  man's  left  eye  turned  up  from  his  plate  and 
joined  the  other  one  in  looking  at  Squint. 

"Be  ye  lookin'  at  me?"  the  boy  repeated,  for  lack 
of  knowing  what  else  to  say. 

"Blarst  you  fool  kids,"  he  exclaimed.  "That 
eye's  glass  and  don't  see  nothing." 

Squint  took  another  prolonged  look  as  the  man's 
real  eye  went  down  again  to  the  plate,  and  for  the 
rest  of  the  meal  was  the  quietest  boy  in  the  fair 
grounds. 

"These  are  two  fine  little  boys  you  have,"  said 
Uncle  Jerry  to  a  young  woman  who  was  sitting 
near  him  at  the  table,  and  endeavoring  to  satisfy  the 
appetites  of  two  very  hungry  lads. 

"Yes,  sir,"  she  'said,  respectfully.  "They  arc 
sister's." 

"Do  you  mean  they  are  brothers?"  he  corrected. 
"Yes,  sir;  no,  sir,"  she  exclaimed  in  rapid  contra 
diction.  "I  mean  they  are  my  sister's." 

"Don't  you  mean  they  are  your  brothers?"  he 
persisted,  much  perplexed. 

"O,  dear  me,"  she  wailed,  "is  there  no  -way  to 
get  it  right?  I  mean  that  these  brothers  are  my 
sister's  boys." 

Then  it  dawned  on  the  doubtful  questioner  and 
he  said,  "O,  yes,  I  see,"  and  the  medley  of  errors 
made  further  conversation  seem  risky,  if  not  unde 
sirable, 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


56  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

Here  was  a  good  opportunity  for  him  to  see 
what  to  do  next  and  he  consulted  his  map  of  the 
grounds  in  order  to  save  unnecessary  walking.  See 
ing  that  a  station  of  the  intramural  railway  was 
near,  he  turned  his  flock  that  way  and  took  a  car 
across  to  the  plateau  of  states.  Seated-  there  com 
fortably  by  open  windows,  they  had  a  fine  view  of 
the  great  picture  of  buildings,  and  the  inspiration  of 
the  scene  came  in  deep  breaths  of  exulting  enthusi 
asm  for  the  genius  and  enterprise  of  the  American 
people. 

"Think,"  said  Uncle  Jeremiah,  "of  the  president 
in  Washington,  a  thousand  miles  away,  pressing  a 
button  that  sets  in  motion  the  vast  machinery  of 
this  massive  world's  workshop.  In  that  act  was 
the  quintessence  of  iQth  century  intelligence.  There 
in  was  a  union  of  dead  and  living  men,  who  are 
speaking  with  the  work  to  all  the  world.  The 
dignity  and  nobility  of  80,000,000  people  was  there 
gathered  about  that  button  in  the  form  of  president, 
his  cabinet  and  the  supreme  court  of  the  United 
States.  And  yet,  the  government  of  France  cut  off 
Lavoisier's  head  with  the  guillotine,  not  so  many 
years  ago,  because  they  had  enough  of  scientific  men ! 
The  pomp  of  king?  may  be  awe-inspiring,  but  what 
has  been  their  combined  worth  to  the  world  in  com 
parison  with  the  combined  thought  of  the  immortal 
thinkers  who  have  made  the  industrial  wonders 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  57 

housed  in  this  great  exposition,  this  amazing  con 
cert  of  human  intelligence  ?  ? 

"Surely,"  continued  Uncle  Jeremiah,  "no  one  can' 
come  here  and  fail  to  find  inspiration  in  all  his 
highest  ideals,  nor  go  away  unsatisfied  with  wyhat 
he  has  seen.  The  lover  of  architecture  has  unparal 
leled  examples  of  every  kind  at  every  turn.  The 
artist  can  see  an  idealist's  dream  from  the  views 
along  the  terrace  of  States.  The  florist  and  the 
botanist  can  find  the  most  exquisite  forms  of  vege 
tation  in  the  prospects  about  the  Agricultural  build 
ing.  The  curiosity-seeker  in  every  phase  of  human 
life  can  find  all  he  can  use  along  the  by-ways  of 
the  Pike. 

"Think  of  a  show  that  requires  one  hundred  and 
twenty-eight  acres  of  floor  space  to  house  its  delicate 
exhibits  and  twelve  hundred  and  forty  acres  to  hold 
it  all.  Including  all  buildings  there  are  three  hun 
dred  acres  under  roof!  The  agricultural  display, 
requiring  to  be  covered,  has  a  building  whose  roof 
is  over  twenty-three  acres,  not  to  mention  the  vast 
quantities  and  varieties  shown  in  special  buildings 
and  elsewhere.  It  shows  where  the  farmers  stand,  in 
the  importance  of  the  industrial  world. 

"The  amount  of  money  expended  is  already  above 
fifty  millions,  and  is  expected  to  be  at  least  five 
millions  more  before  the  fair  is  closed.  That  is 
greater,  indeed,  than  any  four  of  the  greatest  fairs 


58  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

ever  held  before,  a  $50,000,000  show  given  to  a 
visitor  for  fifty  cents! 

"The  lumber  used  in  the  construction  of  the  build 
ings  would  floor  a  carriage  roadway  twice  around 
the  world,  and  would  require  a  freight  train  five  hun 
dred  miles  long  to  haul  it.  It  represents  the  work  of 
one  hundred  and  twenty  thousand  men  for  a  year 
or  more.  The  electrical  display  at  night  is  sufficient 
to  light  up  the  houses  and  streets  of  all  London. 
The  Philippine  exhibit  covers  forty  acres  and  cost 
a  million  dollars  to  establish.  Only  in  such  special 
comparisons  and  statements  can  we  appreciate  this 
enormous  enterprise  whose  instruction,  entertain 
ment  and  profit  is  ours  only  at  the  cost  of  a  few  dol 
lars  and  a  few  days'  time. 

"World's  Fairs  are  collected  samples  of  all  the 
treasures  in  the  discovery  and  invention  of  man. 
They  are  specialized  epitomes  of  art,  education  and 
science.  Social  or  religious  problems  are  discussed 
by  the  most  learned  and  advanced  men  of  the  times. 
Dynamos,  locomotives,  telescopes,  printing  presses, 
destructive  artillery  and  all  the  articles  that  skill 
and  industry  can  produce  in  the  comfort,  welfare 
and  progress  of  the  human  race,  are  classified  and 
housed  here  that  any  one  may  see  and  learn  what 
is  being  done  by  men  and  governments." 

Their  car  stopped  at  the  southeast  corner  of  the 
grounds  and  they  found  themselves  in  the  midst  of 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  59 

a  city  of  states,  each  of  which  was  represented  by 
a  house  characteristic  in  some  way,  or  emblematic 
of  the  commonwealth  which  it  represented. 

"What  made  us  get  off  so  quick?"  petulantly  in 
quired  Helena.  "Is  that  why  it  is  called  the  intra- 
mule  railroad?" 

"No,  it  is  because  it  goes  so  slow,"  answered 
Nora. 

Ethelbert  laughed. 

"The  premises  of  your  scientific  debate  are 
wrong,"  said  he.  "It  is  not  intra-mule  but  intra 
mural.  Intra  means  within.  Mural  means  wall. 
So  it  is  not  within  the  mule  but  within  the  wall." 

"That's  no  argument,"  insisted  Nora.  "Where 
is  your  wall?  I'd  as  lave  think  I  was  in  a  mule" as 
in  a  wall." 

Ethelbert  sheered  off  to  the  big  bird  cage  to 
swallow  his  disgust. 

Uncle  Jeremiah  and  Helena  went  on  over  to  the 
Indiana  building  and  the  others  scattered  about  to 
see  what  they  could  see.  These  houses  of  the  state 
were  indeed  home  places  and  Uncle  Jeremiah  settled 
down  in  a  big  arm  chair  for  an  hour's  rest.  Helena 
was  seated  on  the  arm  of  his  chair  when  a  man 
came  up  to  her  and  said,  "Are  you  having  a  good 
time,  little  girl  ?" 

"Just  as  good  as  I  can  considering  my  size." 

"Why,  could  you  be  happier,  if  you  were  bigger?" 


60 


"Of  course  I  could.    I'd  hold  more." 
"You  are  a  very  pretty  child,"  said  the  man,  fa 
miliarly.     "I  like  pretty  children.     I  have  no  child, 
so  I  must  like  other  children." 

So  far  Uncle  Jeremiah  had  been  musing  and  did 

not  notice  him,  except  in 
distinctly  to  have  a  kind 
sentiment  for  one  who 
was  gentle  and  tender 
toward  a  child. 

"I  like  a  pretty  child. 
Let  me  kiss  you." 

Uncle  Jeremiah's  feel 
ing  of  sympathy  changed 
from  pity  to  a  tinge  of 
alarm. 

The  child  turned  from 
him. 

"Let  me  kiss  you,"  he 
repeated,  "or  I'll  hit  that 
old  man  in  the  face." 

She   gave   a   look   at 
Uncle      Jeremiah      and 
"Let  Me  Kiss  You."         turned  to  yield  the  kiss. 
Uncle  Jeremiah  interposed. 

"The  child  shall  have  no  one  kiss  her  against  her 
wish  and  pleasure  or  proper  propriety."  He  began 
to  realize  that  the  man  bore  the  appearance  of  one 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  .  61 

not  altogether  responsible  for  his  conduct  from  the 
influence  of  liquor. 

The  intruder  hesitated. 

"Move  on,"  said  Uncle  Jeremiah,  "before  I  call 
a  guard  and  have  you  arrested." 

He  moved  on. 

"Were  you  going  to  let  that  stranger  kiss  you?'' 
asked  Uncle  Jeremiah  in  reproachful  indignation. 

She  looked  up  with  a  suffering  countenance. 

"I  thought  he  was  going  to  hit  you.  I  didn't 
want  the  man  to  hit  my  Uncle  Jeremiah." 

"Never  mind,  my  child,"  said  Uncle  Jeremiah, 
half  choking  at  this  evidence  of  her  child-love,  "there 
is  not  power  enough  in  the  world  to  make  it  neces 
sary  for  even  a  child  to  do  wrong. 

"Be  polite  to  all,"  he  continued,  "but  do  not  let 
any  one  be  too  familiar  with  you  and  you  need  not 
fear  anybody." 

A  gentlemen  having  a  distinct  Southern  appear 
ance  took  a  seat  near  by. 

"I  am  supprised,  sah,  an'  supprise  is  no  wohd 
fo'  it,"  he  said,  "how  almighty  smaht  you  nothenes 
is." 

Uncle  Jeremiah  smiled  complacently  at  the  flat 
tery. 

"By  heaven,  sah,  everah  man,  from  child  to  grand- 
motha,  know  I  is  from  Virginea.  Of  co'se,  I  don't 
mind,  yo;  know,  but  it  is  so  queeah.  Yestiday  a  po' 


62  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

lookin'  fella  stopped  me  an'  say,  '  May  I  speak  to  you 
a  minute?  '  I  said,  '  I  reckon,  sah.'  '  I  too  am  fom 
the  sunny  southern  country,'  he  said,  '  fom  New 
Owleens.  I  had  all  my  money  stole,  sah,  an'  I  am 
hongry.'  He  seed  mah  han'  go  to  mah  pocket  and 
he  stopped.  I  could  see  he  was  smackin'  his  lips,  an' 
his  mouth  was  a  watahin'.  I  gave  him  two  bits, 
just  one  quataw  fo'  a  squah  meal.  He  grinned  and 
I  cawt  on  that  he  had  neverah  been  fathah  south 
in  his  life  than  right  heah  at  the  aidge  of  Gawd's 
own  home  country." 

His  story  told,  he  arose  and  moved,  for  there  was 
too  much  to  see  for  any  able-bodied  man  to  waste 
precious  time  in  sitting  still  very  long. 

Helena  was  flinging  her  hat  around  by  the  rib 
bon  in  long  circles  when  an  old  negro  of  ministerial 
aspect  came  walking  by.  Her  hat  struck  him  on 
the  head,  slipped  from  her  hand  and  went  sailing 
away  before  the  smart  breeze.  He  speedily  re 
covered  it  for  her,  and,  as  she  thanked  him  he  asked, 
"What  is  your  name,  little  girl?" 

"Evans,"  she  answered. 

"I  mean  your  first  name." 

"I  told  you  if  is  Evans,"  she  said.  "My  second 
name  is  Helena,  and  my  third  name  is  Elenor." 

The  darkey  shook  his  head. 

"I  kaint  understand  you. 

"Well,  my  name  was  Evans  as  soon  as  I  was 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


63 


born.  Three  days  after,  my  father  was  asked  for 
my  given  name  so  I  could  be  put  down  in  the  records 
of  the  city  and  he  said  Helena  to  honor  my  mother, 


'    ' 


'What  is  Your  Name?" 

whose  name  is  Helen.  Last  year  I  named  myself 
Elenor.  So,  Elenor  is  my  third  and  last  name  ug 
to  the  present  time." 

"What's  your  name?"  she  asked  in  turn. 

"George  Washington." 


64  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"Really?  Are  you  the  Washington  that  cut  down 
the  cherry  tree  ?" 

"No,"  he  replied  thoughtfully.  "I  kaint  say 
that  I  am,  for  I  ain't  done  no  work  for  nigh  on  to  a 
year.  Must  a  bin  some  one  as  tuck  my  name  to 
git  out  of  trouble." 

"There  comes  Ethelbert,"  said  Helena.  "Looks 
as  if  he  were  reading  a  letter." 

Ethelbert  was  coming  across  the  road  with  his 
eyes  fixed  on  a  sheet  of  paper  held  before  him. 

"While  I  was  roving  around  here,"  he  said  as  he 
came  up,  "I  had  an  inspiration  to  compare  the  city 
and  the  farm.  Read  it  and  see  if  I'm  a  poet." 

Uncle  Jeremiah  read : 

"How  sweet  to  dream  of  the  farmer's  lot, 
From  pleasing  shades  to  his  humble  cot ! 
While  in  the  rest  of  the  trees  he  lies, 
He  hears  the  song  of  zephyrs  rise, 
Free  from  wasting  arts  of  modern  life, 
Their  strenuous  hopes  and  envious  strife. 
The  music  of  birds  and  childhood's  glee 
Echo  the  wind-songs  of  every  tree. 

"The  fragrance  of  a  thousand  flowers 
Assails  his  senses  through  all  the  hours 
Where  earth  and  heaven  in  concord  meet 
To  lay  their  beauties  about  his  feet, 
While  all  around  sweet  nature's  choir 
Awake  the  meadows  and  the  groves  inspire. 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  65 

"Then  the  flush  of  health  swells  through  his  veins, 

To  a  power  of  thought  no  monarch  knows, 

The  world  sinks  down  with  all  its  pains, 

And  universal  splendor  glows. 

He  now  looks  forth  on  fancied  wealth, 

The  glory  of  great  fame 

And  henceforth  feels  no  need  of  stealth 

To  crown  the  greatness  of  his  name. 

"His  calm  domain  the  waving  harvests  cover, 
A  gracious  paradise  for  sage  or  lover. 
With  holy  warmth  his  musings  to  beguile 
The  playful  sunbeams  on  his  landscapes  smile. 
The  varying  tints  without  reserve  are  spread, 
As  night  descending  settles  'round  his  head, 
And  over  all  its  darkening  mantle  throws, 
Inviting  labor  to  sweet  sleep's  repose." 

"I  believe  I  can  beat  that,"  said  Uncle  Jeremiah. 
"Let's  see  what  I  can  do  in  the  way  of  poetic  in 
spiration  as  to  the  -facts  of  a  farmer's  journey  to  the 
city  and  his  appreciation." 

Uncle  Jeremiah  wrote  beneath  Ethelbert's  effusion 
as  follows : 

I  love  to  steal  awhile  away, 
From  every  cumb'ring  care 

And  buy  a  half-fare  ticket 
For  all  the  St.  Louis  Fair. 

When  I  have  spent  a  week  or  so 
And  seen  the  Fair  so  great, 

Perhaps  I'll  steal  away  to  ride 
Back  on  a  homeward  freight. 


66  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

These  poetic  inspirations  were  rudely  interrupted 
by  a  very  unpoetic  incident. 

A  horse  drawing  a  cart  came  by  with  a  heavy 
load.  A  wheel  struck  against  a  curb  stone  and 
jerked  the  horse  back.  He  stopped.  The  driver 
yelled  at  him  to  go  on  but  he  respected  the  sign 
of  the  curb  stone  more  than  he  did  his  master  and 
so  refused  to  budge.  In  a  minute  the  people  gath 
ered  around  with  advice,  a  great  crowd  of  them, 
with  opinions  unlimited. 

"Twist  his  ears,"  cried  one. 

"Twist  his  tail,"  advised  another. 

"Back  the  cart." 

"Jerk  the  left  rein." 

"Blindfold  him." 

"Strike  a  match  under  his  nose." 

"Get  an  ear  of  corn." 

"Kick  his  knees." 

"Tell  him  about  Mary's  lamb." 

"Repeat  the  ioo,th  Psalm." 

"Be  kind  to  him,"  broke  in  a  shrill  feminine  voice, 
and  the  crowd  applauded. 

"I  know  what  I'd  do,  don't  you?"  said  a  wag. 

By  this  time  there  was  such  a  crowd  around  that 
the  horse  couldn't  move,  if  he  had  wanted  to. 

"Back  here,  get  back,"  said  a  Jefferson  guard,  op 
ening  a  way  in  front  of  the  animal.  The  people 
fell  to  one  side,  and  the  horse,  seeing  a  chance  to 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


67 


68  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

escape,  gave  a  steady  hump  or  two  at  his  load  and 
walked  away,  with  the  cheers  of  three  or  four  hun 
dred  spectators. 

The  excitement  had  brought  the  Stumpburg  peo 
ple  together  and  they  started  on  to  complete  their 
way  around  the  World's  Exposition.  They  came 
from  the  Plateau  of  States  and  took  a  peep  into 
the  Government  building.  Then  with  a  glance  into 
the  Liberal  Arts  building  they  passed  through  the 
U.  S.  War  Field  Hospital  grounds.  They  went 
through  the  central  street  of  the  Model  City  and 
made  a  close  examination  of  all  the  appliances  and 
plans  therein.  Presently  they  found  themselves 
again  at  Lindell  entrance.  Uncle  Jeremiah  looked 
at  his  watch.  Time  had  flown.  It  was  five  o'clock 
and  people  were  streaming  through  the  entrance 
homeward.  The  Stumpburg  folks  followed  and 
boarded  the  shuttle  train  in  the  Wabash  station. 
Such  trains!  No  wonder  they  were  called  shuttle 
trains.  They  went  back  and  forth  like  a  weaver's 
shuttle.  An  engine  was  at  each  end.  Here  the 
rural  visitors  found  for  the  first  time  that  they  were 
weary.  The  chase  was  done,  the  excitement  over 
and  the  collapse  was  on  them.  They  were  glad 
when  the  few  blocks  were  gone  over  from  the  Union 
station  and  they  were  at  rest  in  their  rooms  at  the 
hotel. 


CHAPTER  V. 

WRITING  HOME  ABOUT  THE  FAIR. 

Stumpburg  was  hungry  and  the  most  appreciated 
way  to  dispose  of  its  fatigue  was  in  resting  around 
the  dining  room  table.  Besides,  it  was  meal  time 
and  the  clatter  in  the  white  robed  portion  of  the 
hotel  indicated  that  people  were  eating.  Stumpburg 
made  its  toilet  hastily,  and  with  commendable  swift 
ness  made  its  appearance  at  the  place  of  refresh 
ments.  Uncle  Jeremiah  was  not  yet  present  and  the 
others  kept  the  waiter  waiting,  for  they  were  by 
no  means  certain  that  they  could  order  what  they 
needed  without  their  chaperone's  assistance.  There 
was  a  sigh  of  relief  when  he  appeared,  and  the  period 
of  martyrdom  while  waiting  for  the  waiter  to  serve 
them  was  passed  over  in  silence.  Then  the  meal 
was  quickly  dispatched  and  the  interests  of  even 
ing  in  the  city  were  before  them. 

Everybody  in  the  hotel  seemed  to  be  engaged  dur 
ing  the  evening  in  letter  writing,  and  Nora  con 
cluded  that  she  should  not  only  follow  the  fashion 
but  show  the  home  folks  that  she  had  really  arrived 
at  the  far-away  world  of  wonders.  She  selected 
August's  mother  as  the  most  appropriate  person. 
Those  two  were  the  sole  members  of  the  household. 

69 


70  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

which  through  August's  close  and  industrious  hab 
its  had  built  up  a  thrifty  and  prosperous  farm. 
Neither  of  them  had  any  time  for  such  useless  arts 
as  reading  and  writing,  therefore  some  one  would 
be  asked  to  read  her  letter  and  she  would  thus  have 
its  contents  well  spread  about  the  neighborhood. 
And  thus  she  wrote: 

"Dear  Mither  Freeda: 

"It's  a  woonderful,  woonderful,  woonderful  show. 
I  had  a  great  great  soorprise.  Who  should  I  boomp 
up  against  but  Pat  McGinnis  when  the  last  worrud 
he  tole  me  wuz  at  choorch.  He  said,  said  he,  sich  a 
shoow  wuz  only  for  doods  and  oristercrats,  an'  he 
woodn't  be  kot  in  sich  a  crowd.  And  sure  enough 
it  was  not  Pat,  but  another  man  just  as  good. 

"O  it's  a  woonderful,  woonderful,  woonderful 
show.  The  guards,  an  pleecemen  and  solgeers  are 
grate.  An  friendly,  O  my!  They  all  no  me  as  if 
since  my  granny  was  in  auld  Ireland. 

"It  is  indade  a  woonderful,  woonderful,  woonder 
ful  panoramy. 

"I  saw  wan  pleeceman  take  a  woman  to  a  keerage 
with  a  box  top  and  a  dure.  They  shut  her  in  the 
box  with  two  other  pleecemen,  an  I  axed  some  wan 
how  did  she  get  the  ride  with  the  pleecemen  an  the 
perlite  gintlemen  said  she  wuz  too  strong,  being  a 
shoplifter.  He  did  not  no  how  strong  I  am  or  I 
might  a  got  a  ride  to. 

"It  is  a  verry,  verry,  verry  woonderful  fair,  which 
I  will  tell  you  all  when  I  come. 

"NORA." 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


71 


Matilda  finally  persuaded  Squint  that  it  was  his 
duty  to  write  to  his  grandmother.  After  an  enor 
mous  amount  of  laborious  exertion,  he  succeeded  as 
follows-: 

Y  Dear  Granny : 

"I     suppose    you     bin 
werry  ankshus  to  no  if  I 
am  holdin  my  own. 
"I  am. 

"Shorely,    though    it's 
harder  than  I  expected. 

"I  wont  tell  you  bout 
nothing  till  I  get  back 
with  somun  to  prove  up 
by,  fer  if  I  do  I  wont 
have  any  karackter  when 
I  get  back.  Some  things 
are  biggern  I  expectud,  some  less,  mostly  otherwise. 
I'd  never  git  tired  seeing  things  but  Im  nearly  wore 
down  keeping  dressed  up.  Its  werry  panefool. 

"Please  have  the  ole  close  slung  crost  the  bedsted 
so  I  kin  git  into  them  at  onct,  an  go  out  an  woller 
in  the  straw  stack. 

"Got  a  grate  joke  on  Uncle  Jerry.  He  wouldnt  go 
to  the  Woman's  bildin  an  I  said  as  I  suppose  why 
cause  sure  nuff  its  leep  yeer  and  hes  been  married 
onct. 

"Got  one  on  Nora. 

"She  said  why  they  dont  have  any  windows  an 
nothin  but  skylites  in  the  picture  building.  I  said  I 


72  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

know  why.  She  said  why.  So  you  cant  look  out 
at  the  cows. 

"Got  one  on  Ethelbert. 

"Found  a  day  before  paper  some  one  had  thrun 
away.  Got  nuther  boys  hat.  Pulled  it  down  over 
my  face  and  came  up  to  Ethelbert  yelling,  Horrible 
accident.  Two  hundred  and  seventy  five  thousand 
people  burned  to  death  in  Stumpburg,  Hooppole 
township,  Posey  county,  Indiana.  Ethelbert  got  ex 
cited.  Give  me  a  dime  an  I  walked  off  without 
giving  change.  He  was  not  satisfied.  Here  you 
scamp  he  yelled,  give  me  back  my  money.  Its  a  lie. 
Nothing  in  the  paper.  He  came  after  me  and  I  said 
you  must  be  an  orful  broot  not  to  be  ten  cents  thank 
ful  for  it  being  a  mistake,  and  getting  mad  cause 
he  couldnt  find  it  in  the  paper.  Then  he  recog  nized 
me  and  I  had  to  hoof  it  to  get  way  frum  the  spanks. 

"Got  one  on  Matilda. 

"She  looked  at  a  sine  on  some  furs  and  she  sed  I 
guess  this  exhibit  is  Rooshin.  The  mans  name 
souns  Rooshin.  It  was  HANZOFF.  I  guess  the 
fellow  was  a  furriner  and  couldnt  spell. 

"Got  one  on  Helena. 

"Herd  fine  music  las  nite.  Whats  that  said  Ma 
tilda.  I  know  said  the  kid.  Its  the  fountain  playin. 
Herd  em  say  it  would  play  tnight. 

"O  my  Im  tired  writin. 

"Got  one  on  myself. 

"Fade  five  cents  to  paste  splasher  puttin  up  picters 
on  wall  for  to  see  em. 

"Other  people  looked  for  nothing. 

"Writins  wors  than  plowin. 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  73 

^omin  Home  in  three  days,  if  money  goes  like 

"SQUINT." 

lie  streets  were  as  great  a  curiosity  to  Ethelbert 
is  the  fair  grounds  and  his  first  day  of  sight-seeing 
lad  not  dampened  his  desire  to  see  more.    As  soon 
•as  his  supper  was  ended  he  took  up  his  hat. 

You  tired  folks,"  he  said,  "can  go  to  your  rooms 
md  get  to  bed.    I'm  going  to  take  a  walk." 

shop  windows  of  the  big  stores  were  a  reve 
lation  in   arrangement,  quality  and  quantity.     He 
talked  on  and  on  till  he  suddenly  became  aware 
that  he  had  passed  out  of  the  business  district  and 
that  he  was  not  sure  whether  he  was  coming  or 
joing. 

[e  stopped  irresolutely  under  a  lamp-post,  when  a 
smiling  young  woman  came  up  to  a  window,  con 
taining  a  display  of  jewelry,  and  leisurely  surveyed 
the  gems. 

[e  was  startled  at  seeing  what  appeared  to  be  the 
nost  beautiful  and  becoming  looking  woman  he  had 
jver  beheld.  She  was  a  vision  of  whiteness  and 
:olor  rivalling  the  gems  in  which  she  was  so  in 
terested.  Perhaps  like  him  she  was  a  visitor  at  the 
'Fair. 

Presently  she  turned  and  met  his  admiring  gaze. 
,   hello,"   she  exclaimed.      "You  here?     I 
-was  just  wishing  for  some  one  to  take  me  home." 


74  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"I'm  afraid  you  are  mistaken  in  me,"  he  replied, 
"and  I  think  I  am  lost  myself." 

She  was  about  to  pass  on  at  this  supposed  re 
buff,  when  he  remembered  that  fortune  is  said  to 
knock  but  once,  and  only  once,  at  every  man's  door. 
This  might  be  one  of  the  select  ladies  of  the  city's 
aristocracy,  and  perhaps  she  was  really  interested  in 
him. 

"Pardon  me,"  he  said  in  perspiring  confusion, 
"but  I  would  be  pleased  to  see  you  home,  if  it  would 
be  any  accommodation  to  you." 

She  was  momentarily  puzzled  to  know  if  this  in 
nocence  was  real  cr  assumed,  but  a  single  look  at  the 
youth  was  enough  for  her  practiced  eyes. 

"You're  all  right,"  she  said  sweetly  smiling  as 
she  took  his  arm.  "If  you  are  lost,  then  I  will  take 
you  to  my  hotel." 

So  she  owned  a  hotel  and  he  felt  sure  he  was 
right  in  thinking  that  this  dazzling  creature  was  one 
of  Ihe  highest  society  and  wealth.  Perhaps  she  was 
one  of  the  society  angels  wlio  did  such  noble  deeds 
in  caring  for  the  good  of  others.  He  remembered 
that  he  had  heard  of  society  angels.  Her  interest 
in  him  was  so  beautifully  kind  of  her  that  his  respect 
and  admiration  rose  high  for  the  superiority  of  this 
woman  over  those  he  had  known. 

She  chatted  pleasantly  and  entertainingly  as  they 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


75 


moved  along  and  he  was  charmed  with  her  fine 
breeding  and  culture,  till  they  came  to  a  flaring  sign 
enclosing  a  glaring  electric  light.  She  drew  him 
toward  the  door  over  which  he  had  read  the  words, 
"Family  Entrance." 

"  Is  this  where  you  live  ?"  he  asked  in  a  revolution 
of  astonishment. 


"Is  This  Where  You  Live?" 

"Oh,  I  hang  out  here,"  she  replied,  "when  they 
won't  let  me  into  a  better  joint." 

His  illusion  fled.  He  wheeled  and  hurried  away 
as  if  pursued  by  a  pestilence. 


76  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"Lor!"  he  exclaimed,  catching  his  breath,  "look 
at  me  running  off  with  myself.  Guess  I'll  find  out 
where  I  am." 

"Sir,"  he  said  to  the  first  well  dressed  pedestrian 
he  met,  "pardon  me,  but  I  would  like " 

"Not  on  your  life,"  brusquely  replied  the  pedes 
trian,  moving  on,  "you  don't  touch  me  for  anything 
to-night." 

He  did  not  understand  this  jargon,  but  laid  it  to 
the  unaccommodating  manners  of  city  people. 

"Pardon  me,"  he  began  to  the  next  reliable-look 
ing  passer-by. 

"No  you  don't,"  this  one  exclaimed.  "I'm  not 
helping  anyone  to  get  back  home  to  a  dying  mother 
on  this  night." 

This  was  bewildering  as  well   as  discouraging. 

"Say,  I  want  to  know  if  you'll  be  so  kind " 

he  hurriedly  spoke  to  the  next  one. 

"No,  my  boy,  I  won't  be  so  kind.  I  know  your 
story"  replied  the  stranger.  "You  had  a  longing 
for  learning  and  you  left  the  farm  right  in  harvest 
time  and  you  must  get  back  to  help  your  widowed 
mother,  but  you  were  robbed  at  the  fair.  O,  no, 
my  boy,  not  to-night." 

A  light  dawned  on  Ethelbert.  He  was  being  taken 
for  a  beggar.  This  made  him  desperate. 

"  Say,  where  am  I  ?"  he  yelled  at  the  next  one. 

"Yer  in  Saint  Looie,  pard,  if  ye  ain't  in  bug- 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  7? 

house,"  was  the  unexpected  reply,  as  the  stranger 
passed  on. 

He  was  unnerved.    This  was  enough  to  make  one 


"Not  on  Your  Life. 

think  of  suicide.  He  was  nearing  the  corner  when 
his  attention  was  caught  by  a  whirling  object  that 
came  out  from  the  open  hall-way  by  a  show-window 
of  second-hand  goods  and  appeared  walking  toward 
him  like  a  double  headed  manikin.  Before  he  could 


?8  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

realize  his  fright,  there  was  another  swift  whirl 
about  and  Squint  stood  before  him,  right  end  up. 

Ethelbert  seized  him  as  if  he  were  a  life  preserver 
and  told  him  with  many  emphatic  repetitions  of  his 
joy  at  seeing  him. 

"O,  they  just  got  little  'larmed  'bout  ye,"  he  said, 
"and  sent  me  out  to  find  ye  and  I  done  it,  'thout  go 
ing  far.  Our  boardin'  house  is  jest  two  doors  'round 
the  corner." 

Ethelbert  appeared  among  the  familiar  forms  of 
his  Stumpburg  friends  looking  decidedly  sheepish, 
and  he  was  glad  to  find  them  too  busy  writing  let 
ters  to  suspect  his  adventure.  But  to  relieve  him 
self  he  felt  compelled  to  say  something. 

"I'm  disgusted  with  the  city,"  he  exclaimed,  "and 
I'll  be  glad  when  this  sight-seeing  is  over  so  I  can 
get  back  where  people  have  some  sense." 

Nora  was  the  only  one  who  heard  him  and  she 
heartily  sympathized  with  his  views. 

"Talk  about  nonsense  in  the  country,"  said  Nora, 
reflectively,  "why,  the  foolishness  is  just  running 
•over  in  the  city,  especially  on  perliteness.  Why,  for 
example  I  says,  says  I,  to  a  man  at  the  table,  just  for 
common  friendliness,  'It  looks  like  rain.'  And  he 
said  to  me,  says  he,  'Beg  pawdon/  looking  at  me 
queer.  I  said,  'Sir,  I  am  innocent  and  I  have  not 
yet  come  so  low  as  to  beg,'  and  he  just  says,  'beg 
pawdon,'  as  if  he  didn't  know  any  other  words.  I 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  79 

heard  a  young  lady  kind  a  gulp  up,  and  she  says, 
says  she,  'Beg  pawdon,'  as  if  she  wanted  to  'tract 
everyone's  attention  to  it.  Simply  awful  the  way 
people  here  want  you  to  take  notice  of  everything 
,they  do  by  talking  about  it.  And  manners,  why, 
they  have  been  raised  awful !" 

She  was  disgusted  also  and  she  decided  to  go  on 
to  her  room. 

It  was  dark  in  her  room,  regardless  of  the  light 
in  the  hall,  and  she  endeavored  in  vain  to  light  a 
match  by  striking  it  on  the  wall  before  her.  A 
porter  was  passing  and  she  called  on  him  to  help  her 
out  of  her  difficulties.  He  readily  struck  a  match 
on  the  seat  of  his  trousers  and  handed  the  little 
torch  to  her  with  a  grin  of  masculine  superiority. 

"The  divil  fly  away  wid  ye,"  she  said  scornfully; 
"do  ye  think  I'll  hunt  all  over  the  house  ivery  time 
I  can't  find  anything  better  to  sthrike  a  match  on 
than  the  sate  of  yer  britches?" 

The  dumbounded  porter  found  the  door  closed  in 
his  face  and  he  went  his  way  wondering  if  there 
was  any  place  where  a  laugh  came  in. 

Nora  raised  the  window  to  let  in  some  fresh  air 
when  the  last  notes  of  wheezy  music  from  a  hand 
organ  poured  in  to  entrance  her  for  a  moment. 
Then  she  turned  with  a  sigh  to  the  mirror  on  her 
dresser  and  thought  numerous  things.  As  the  music 
ended,  she  began  feeling  about  for  pin-heads  in  the 


80  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

first  beginnings  of  disrobing,  when  there  was  a 
scratching  noise  on  the  window  outside,  that  dis 
tracted  her  attention  for  the  moment  from  the  scal 
ing  garments  and  half-extracted  fasteners. 

There  had  been  little  time  to  think  when  a  black 
body  bounded  through  the  window  upon  the  bed 
and  was  met  by  a  scream  that  was  neighbor  to  a 
panic.  The  impish-looking  form  was  the  organ 
grinder's  monkey  and  it  went  back  out  through 
the  window  with  little  attention  to  method  of  loco 
motion.  In  a  moment,  the  members  of  the  Stump- 
burg  family  were  around  her  inquiring  what  had 
happened. 

"Look  out  of  the  window  quick,"  she  cried,  "and 
see  if  I  have  had  a  delooshion  or  a  rael  imp  from  the 
infoornal  raygens." 

Helena  climbed  over  the  bed  to  the  window. 

"O,  it's  just  a  dear  little  Italian  monkey,  looking 
for  pennies,"  she  said. 

"Give  them  to  him,  give  them  to  him,"  repeated 
Nora,  "and  tell  him  the  next  time  to  knock  at  the 
dure  befoor  distoorbing  a  lady's  privacy  like  that. 
He's  no  gintleman  and  I'll  nivver  spake  to  another 
Italian  as  long  as  I  live.  They're  no  gintlemen, 
at  all,  at  all." 

When  Nora's  nerves  were  reassured,  her  friends 
left  her  to  complete  her  preparation  for  sleep,  and 
she  closed  the  window  fast,  determined  that  no  more 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


81 


peeping-Toms  of  the  Italian  tribe  should  have  an 
other  such  chance. 

In  due  time,  Stumpburg  was  sleeping  the  sleep 
of  the  tired,  if  not  of  the  righteous,  recuperating 
for  another  exhaustive  and  exhausting  day. 


A  Rael  Imp  from  the  Infoornal  Raygens! 


Helena  disliked  very  much  to  be  left  alone  in  bed, 
but  Nora  preferred  to  let  her  sleep  as  long  as  she 
would  in  the  morning.  Therefore,  not  long  after 
daylight,  she  went  noiselessly  into  the  next  room 
to  Matilda's  wash  stand  and  left  the  door  open. 

Presently  Helena  gave  a  yell. 


82  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"Come  quick!    There's  a  mouse  in  here."  , 

"Not  after  such  a  yell,"  said  Nora.  "If  he  is,  he's 
petrified." 

"Yes  there  is,"  persisted  Helena.  "I  heard  him 
nibblin'  behind  the  trunk." 

"It  was  only  yer  teeth  rubbin'  together  in  a 
drame,"  replied  Nora. 

"It's  not,"  vigorously  returned  the  child,  "for  I 
heard  his  feet  a  tramping  and  his  tail  a  dragging 
across  the  floor." 

"Poor  thing,"  said  Matilda,  appearing  in  the  door 
way,  "have  you  been  much  frightened?" 

"O,  yes,"  answered  Nora,  "the  poor  thing  has 
been  unconscious  nine  hours." 

"Mercy  on  us!"  gasped  Matilda,  "how  was  that?" 

"She  was  fastaslape." 

Sounds  from  the  next  room  indicated  that  the 
male  members  of  the  Stumpburg  set  were  bestirring 
themselves,  and  another  day  had  in  reality  begun. 

Uncle  Jeremiah  was  already  out  taking  his  morn 
ing  walk.  As  he  turned  the  corner  on  the  re 
turn  toward  his  hotel,  he  saw  an  elderly  woman 
standing  at  the  mail  box  wiping  her  eyes  and  be 
wailing  misfortune  as  if  in  great  distress. 

"What's  the  matter?"  said  he,  approaching  her. 

"O,  sir!"  she  exclaimed,  "surely,  you  will  help 
me.  Just  now  I  mailed  a  letter  holding  my  glasses 
in  the  same  hand  and  I  dropped  my  glasses  in  in- 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


83 


stead  of  the  letter.  Now  I  can't  see  anything  with 
out  them.  I  can  hardly  find  my  way  along  the  street. 
Can't  you.open  this  box  and  get  them  for  me?" 


iff/, 


"/  Dropped  My  Glasses  In!" 

"Open  the  mail  box?"  he  asked  incredulously. 
"Break  into  the  United  States  mail?" 

"Why,  sir,"  she  cried,  "that  could  be  no  harm. 


84  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

The  glasses  belong  to  me.  The  government  can  not 
use  them." 

"Why,  that  would  land  me  in  jail,"  he  affirmed. 
"You  must  wait  till  the  letter  collector  comes 
around.  It  tells  on  the  box  about  the  time  he  will  be 
here." 

Something  glittering  inside  of  her  half  opened 
parasol  caught  his  attention. 

"What  is  that  down  there  in  your  parasol?" 

She  drew  up  the  mentioned  article  and  hastily 
picked  out  the  shining  object. 

"Well,  I'll  be  switched  if  it  ain't  my  glasses," 
she  joyfully  cried.  "How  in  the  name  of  time  did 
they  get  there  ?" 

Uncle  Jeremiah  made  no  attempt  to  answer  that 
profound  question,  but  walked  on  to  the  hotel  mus 
ing  upon  the  uncertainty  of  opinion  and  the  unreli 
ability  of  human  judgment. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

DON   QUIXOTE  AND   HIS   STRANGE  ADVENTURES. 

The  Stumpburg  sextette  were  now  familiar 
enough  with  going  and  coming  and  the  youngsters 
felt  able  to  get  out  of  Uncle  Jeremiah's  shadow  with 
out  fear. 

Matilda  had  brought  her  camera  and  she  was  so 
anxious  to  use  it  that  Ethelbert  secured  her  permit 
and  she  set  forth  on  the  second  day  with  keen  an 
ticipation  and  the  camera  dangling  about  her  shoul 
ders.  The  Pike  being  the  most  interesting  place 
for  snap-shots,  she  led  the  way  there,  but  she  did 
not  find  anything  worthy  of  her  instrument  till  she 
got  into  Cairo.  Squint  mounted  a  camel  and  the 
sight  was  ludicrous  enough  for  the  beginning  of 
her  pictures. 

In  the  concession  of  Fair  Japan,  she  found  a  pretty 
group  of  babies  seated  upon  a  mat.  She  unslung  the 
little  machine  from  her  shoulder  and  set  it  for  a 
picture.  A  number  of  curiosity  seekers  crowded  up 
to  see  what  she  was  doing.  Their  sudden  interest 
made  her  nervous  and  hasty.  The  click  of  the  spring 
in  her  camera  caused  her  to  realize  that  she  had 
taken  a  snap-shot  of  the  inquisitive  onlookers  in- 

85 


86 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


stead  of  the  little  group  of  children  playing  on  the 
outspread  mat. 

"You  wanta  peekture?"  said  a  Japanese  boy  who 
was  watching  over  the  children.  "Leta  stan'  by 
rose  tree." 


Squint  and  the  Kodak. 

She  arranged  her  camera  again  while  the  boy 
placed  the  mat  and  the  babies  where  the  view  would 
be  untroubled  by  outsiders. 

The  picture  taken,  she  set  her  camera  on  a  box 
near  by  and  began  to  talk  with  the  little  ones  while 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  87 

the  boy  acted  as  interpreter.  When  she  turned  to 
go  her  camera  had  disappeared.  She  looked  inquir 
ingly  around,  but  the  passing  stream  of  sight-seers 
were  unconscious  and  uninterested  in  her  discom 
fiture.  She  ran  about  here  and  there  among  the 
visitors,  but  no  camera  was  in  sight.  Remembering 
that  Ethelbert  and  Squint  had  but  a  few  minutes 
before  been  looking  at  some  curios  in  the  tea  house, 
she  ran  that  way  and  met  them  looking  for  her. 

"My  camera,"  she  cried,  "some  one  has  stolen  my 
camera !" 

"When?"  inquired  Ethelbert. 

"Just  now." 

"Then  the  thief  is  not  far  off,"  cried  Squint.  "He 
had  to  go  this  way  to  get  out.  Come  quick  and  we'll 
get  him." 

Squint  darted  away.  They  followed  as  rapidly 
as  they  could,  but  he  was  soon  lost  to  them  far 
ahead  in  the  crowd. 

Outside  of  the  village  they  stood  irresolutely,  not 
knowing  which  way  to  go.  A  moment  later  they 
saw  Squint  running  back  to  them  like  a  little  racer. 
They  hurried  toward  him. 

"Come  on,"  he  cried,  "I've  spotted  the  thief  and 
hired  a  boy  to  shadow  him.  He's  making  for  the 
entrance.  Come  on." 

Away  he  went,  back  after  the  game. 

Ethelbert  ran  after  him  and  Matilda  followed  as 


88  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

rapidly  as  she  could.  When  she  reached  the  en 
trance  of  the  Pike,  she  found  Ethelbert  and  Squint 
in  excited  debate  with  a  middie-aged  man  whose 
appearance  would  not  suggest  the  character  of  a 
thief. 

A  Jefferson  guard  held  the  camera. 

"Here  she  comes,"  cried  Squint.  "Here's  the 
owner." 

Matilda  took  a  look  at  the  camera  and  from  nu 
merous  signs  upon  it,  known  only  to  herself,  at  once 
identified  it  as  her  own. 

"Yes,  sir,  it  is  mine,"  she  declared  emphatically. 

"Looks  dark  for  you,"  said  the  guard  to  the  sus 
pect.  "I'll  have  to  keep  this  camera  and  hold  you 
till  this  matter  is  settled.  Come  with  me  to  head 
quarters." 

"Very  well,"  the  man  answered  very  quietly,  if 
not  good-naturedly.  "The  children  are  merely  mis 
taken.  I  think  I  can  easily  satisfy  the  officials  on 
that  point  and  dispose  of  the  unpleasant  incident." 

His  ease  and  frankness  staggered  his  accusers  as 
well  as  caused  the  guard  to  have  considerable  doubt. 

"Then  prove  it  to  me,"  said  the  guard,  "and 
we'll  go  to  no  further  trouble  about  it." 

"Ask  him  to  show  his  permit,"  said  Ethelbert. 

"I  told  you,"  he  said,  "that  my  daughter  gave  me 
the  camera  just  outside  the  Japanese  gate  to  carry 
home  for  her.  She  has  the  permit." 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  89 

"I  didn't  see  no  darter,"  said  Squint,  "an'  I  spot 
ted  him  not  twenty  steps  from  the- gate." 

"Ask  him  to  tell  the  name  of  the  maker,"  said 
Ethelbert. 

The  man  readily  gave  the  name. 

"Ask  him  how  many  plates  are  unused,"  continued 
the  cross-examiner. 

He  at  once  named  the  right  number. 

"Seems  to  me  you're  pretty  well  posted,"  said  the 
guard. 

"He  looked  in.     I  saw  him,"  said  Squint. 

"Do  you  know  what  pictures  have  been  taken  in 
it"  asked  the  guard. 

"Now  we've  got  him,"  yelled  Squint.  "I'm  in 
there  on  a  Campbell  and  I  reckon  his  darter  warn't 
'round  there  takin;  me  anywhere." 

"I  can  only  describe  two  that  my  girl  took,"  he 
unhesitatingly  answered.  "I  wasn't  with  her  when 
she  took"  the  others." 

"Come  on,"  said  the  guard,  "we'll  soon  fix  this." 

The  man  looked  at  his  watch. 

"The  camera  is  not  worth  my  time,"  interrupted 
the  man.-  "I've  got  an  important  appointment  to 
meet  in  half  an  hour  and  it  will  take  me  that  long 
to  get  there.  You  keep  the  camera  till  I  get  back 
in  the  morning,  when  I  will  bring  my  daughter  and 
prove  that  it  is  her  property." 

He  began  to  move  off. 


90  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"Hold  on,"  said  the  guard. 

He  only  quickened  his  pace. 

"Stop  thief!"  yelled  Squint,  running  after  him 
without  effect. 

A  clod  of  dirt  before  the  boy  was  an  irresistible 
suggestion.  He  seized  the  lump  and  threw  it  with 
the  precision  of  abundant  practice.  It  struck  the 
man's  hat  and  knocked  it  off,  when  a  gust  of  wind 
caught  it  up  and  whirled  it  among  a  group  of  ob 
servers,  who  had  stopped  at  the  boy's  words. 

The  man  did  not  stop  to  recover  his  lost  head 
gear  but  rushed  on  out  of  the  gate. 

Squint  got  the  hat.. 

"Look  at  the  game  I  brung  down  from  the  scrub 
timber,"  he  cried  exultingly.  "Best  souvenir  on 
the  grounds  and  didn't  cost  a  cent." 

"Take  your  camera,"  said  the  guard.  "The  thief 
isn't  worth  chasing." 

The  triumphant  trio  marched  away,  Squint,  like 
a  conqueror,  wearing  the  derby  set  £ver  his  own 
dilapidated  cap. 

The  girls  were  somewhat  unnerved  by  this  ad 
venture  and  they  went  along  the  Plaza  of  St.  Louis 
to  the  Louisiana  monument,  where  they  sat  down  to 
recover  themselves.  They  had  become  well-used  to 
queer  specimens  of  humanity,  but  they  were  consid 
erably  disconcerted  in  seeing  a  tall,  slender,  dilapi- 


9i 


dated  man  with  flowing  hair  coming  up  to  them. 
He  took  a  seat  directly  before  them. 

"Looks    like    Don    Quixote,"    said    Matilda    to 


Struck  the  Man's  Hat, 

Helena  in  a  low  voice.     "You  remember  the  story 
I  told  you  about  the  man  who  fought  windmills." 

"You  are  right,"  said  the  odd-looking  man,  turn 
ing  to  them,  to  the  embarrassment  and  discomfiture 
of  Matilda,  who  had  not  thought  of  his  having 


92  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

such  keen  ears  as  to  hear  her  words.  "I  am  indeed 
Don  Quixote,  and  I  have  had  far  more  adventures 
here  than  I  ever  had  in  Spain. 

"Over  there,"  he  said,  pointing  to  a  restaurant, 
"I  found  a  fair  damsel  enclosed  within  four  nar 
row  walls,  known  as  lunch  counters,  the  slave  of 
those  sordid  creatures  who  came  there  for  meat  and 
drink.  I  climbed  upon  a  parapet  before  the  wall, 
otherwise  called  a  seat  by  the  eaters,  and  I  said, 
'Come  hither,  fair  maiden',  and  presently  she  heed 
ed  my  call.  'Canst  thou  not  come  forth  from  thy 
prison  ?'  I  asked.  She  drew  back  a  pace,  and  I  said, 
'Fear  not,  I  am  thy  humble  knight,  come  to  help 
thee  to  freedom.'  'O,  go  wan,'  she  answered  me  in 
unseemly  words.  'Ye  got  a  wheel  in.yer  head.'  At 
this  uncouth  rebuff  I  saw  that  she  was  enchanted, 
for  such  cold  words  could  not  come  from  the  lips 
of  one  so  sweet  and  fair.  I  was  compelled  to  go 
sorrowfully  away,  for  I  had  been  deprived  of  my 
wand  of  disenchantment  and  my  sword  of  libera 
tion. 

"Then  I  came  into  a  region  of  fierce  beasts  which 
they  told  me  was  known  in  that  land  as  an  exhibit 
of  furs.  There  I  found  another  sweet  woman  cov 
ered  in  an  enchantment  of  beastly  skins  and  enclosed 
in  a  casement  of  glass. 

"  'Sweet  one,'  I  cried,  'if  thou  wilt  but  let  me 
be  thy  gallant  knight  I  will  slay  these  monsters 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  93 

and  fly  with  you  to  the  ends  of  the  earth  where  moth 
doth  not  corrupt  nor  thieves  break  through  and 
steal.' 

"This  called  for  noble  courage  and  I  would  have 
been  equal  to  the  great  task,  but  such  was  the  spell 
over  her  that  she  answered  never  a  word,  and  I 
could  do  nothing  whatever  without  her  consent. 

"Then  I  bethought  me  that  if  I  could  only  touch 
her  with  the  heart's  blood  of  one  of  those  foul  mon 
sters  I  could  loosen  her  tongue  from  its  bewitchment 
and  have  her  loving  praise. 

"Forthwith  I  prepared  valiantly  to  attack  one  of 
the  great  beasts  with  a  sword  some  knight  had  left 
standing  unsheathed  against  the  wall.  But  a  vulgar 
hireling  near  by  caught  it  from  my  hand  and  said, 
'Sair,  let  go  ze  cane.  Eet  ees  mine.' 

"In  noble  tones  I  explained  my  purpose  to  slay 
the  monster  and  set  the  maiden  free,  when  he  said, 
'Ze  anameel  can  do  no  harm  till  he  digest  hees  saw 
dust  and  by  zat  time  ze  owner  of  ze  lady  take  her  to 
hair  home.' 

"Then  I  came  here  sorrowfully  to  sit  and  think 
what  I  shall  do. 

"But  last  night,"  he  continued,  lowering  his  voice 
to  a  mysterious  whisper,  "I  had  the  strangest  ad 
venture  of  all  my  life." 

The  children's  interest  in  the  story  overcame  their 


94  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

distrust  or  fear,  and  they  leaned  forward  closer,  not 
to  miss  a  word. 


"Caught  It  From  My  Hand." 

"You  know  it  was  a  dark  night  and  the  stroke  of 
twelve  liberated  me  from  the  bonds  of  my  captors, 
who  held  me  prisoner  over  there  in  that  big  hotel. 
I  seized  my  lance  and  went  forth  to  see  what  I  could 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  95 

do  for  honor  and  chivalry.  The  hush  of  deepest 
darkness  enveloped  everything,  but  my  vision  was 
keen  and  I  safely  passed  the  sleeping  watchmen  and 
pursued  my  way.  I  was  passing  those  whitened 
beings  who  had  been  turned  to  stone,  wondering 
what  I  could  do  for  them,  when  suddenly  the  black 
air  trembled  with  a  solemn,  single  stroke  of  the  big 
bell  clock.  It  was  a  disenchantment.  I  saw  the 
white  figures  begin  to  move.  From  each  plinth, 
pedestal  and  base  there  came  greetings  to  and  fro 
so  fine  and  keen  that  no  mortal  ear  but  mine  could 
hear  them. 

"  'Peace  be  unto  you  all,*  said  one  whom  I  recog 
nized  as  Mercury,  gliding  swiftly  by  like  a  streak  of 
white  light. 

"He  stopped  at  the  monument  before  the  grand 
basin  and  I  could  see  them  gathering  about  him 
from  all  directions. 

"I  crept  up  behind  the  nearest  pillar  of  the  bridge, 
where  I  could  closely  observe  them  unseen,  for  I 
feared  if  I  were  discovered  they  might  not  recognize 
me  as  a  knight  whose  life  was  consecrated  to  their 
cause,  and  they  might  thus  thoughtlessly  make  it 
go  hard  with  me. 

"I  noticed  with  feelings  of  relief,  however,  that 
this  was  the  liberation  time  for  only  those  of  human 
form.  Sharp-nosed  animals  might  have  discovered 


96  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

the  presence  of  a  normal  human  being  and  my  use 
ful  life  might  have  come  to  an  inglorious  end. 

"I  noticed  that  the  principal  traits* of  human  be 
ings  still  remained  with  them. 

"For  instance,  Diana  came  late,  and  still  later 
Bacchus  came  sauntering  leisurely  in. 

"I  heard  one  water-nymph  sneeringly  say  to  an 
other,  'I  wouldn't  dare  to  be  seen  out  at  such  a  time 
as  this  without  a  chaperone,  would  you?'  'No,' 
replied  the  other,  'I  would  not.'  It  is  just  such 
pranks  as  that  which  brings  her  under  the  suspicion 
of  so  many  world  ladies.  She  should  be  more  dis 
creet. 

"About  this  time  Minerva  came  lagging  in  upon 
the  arm  of  the  dying  gladiator  and  I  heard  one  of 
the  nine  muses  say  that  she  had  heard  she  was 
dreadful  fast. 

"As  all  had  now  arrived,  they  joined  hands  and 
danced  around  the  monument  and  sang  such  glorious 
songs  as  no  mortal  ever  heard,  to  such  sublime  music 
that  no  mortal  could  ever  hear. 

"  'Come  to  order,'  I  heard  one  deep  voice  say, 
which  I  recognized  as  that  of  Jupiter. 

"Instantly  all  seated  themselves  around  the  base 
of  this  monument. 

"  'I  am  now  ready  to  hear  your  complaints,'  he 
said.  'Speak  quickly,  for  the  time  is  short.' 

"Instantly  there  was  such  a  hubbub  that  I  could 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  97 

only  distinguish  a  few  of  the  complaints,  though 
Jupiter  doubtless  understood  them  all. 

"  'A  drink,  a  drink,'  I  could  hear  Bacchus  say 
over  all  the  rest.  'I  sit  all  day  by  barrels  and  bar 
rels  cf  drink  and  never  get  a  drop.  When  we  signed 
our  agreements  with  the  managers  it  was  under 
stood  that  I  should  be  near  a  fountain.  They  knew 
I  could  not  draw  liquor  from  those  barrels.' 

"  'I  am  an  angel  with  wings,  but  I  can  not  fly,' 
cried  another,  whose  voice  I  did  not  know.  'It  is 
an  outrage  to  give  me  aspirations  and  desires  with 
out  being  allowed  to  gratify  them/ 

"  'Please  make  the  people  keep  their  hands  off  of 
me,'  cried  Venus.  'The  guard  tries  to  do  so  but  he 
can't,  and  I  am  soiled  and  miserable  with  the  touch 
and  odor  of  their  grease.' 

"Suddenly  the  clock  struck  two,  and,  for  the  first 
time  in  my  life,  I  was  struck  dumb  with  fright. 
There  were  streaks  of  white  light  in  every  direction 
as  the  statues  flew  to  their  places.  I  was  wet  to  the 
skin  with  the  splashings  of  those  that  jumped  into 
the  basin  to  swim  the  nearest  way  across  to  their 
pedestals. 

"I  sprang  out  upon  the  bridge  to  get  out  of  the 
way,  when  one  fell  at  my  feet,  tripped  by  a  cruel 
chain  that  had  been  stretched  from  one  of  the  pil 
lars. 

"  'O,  sir,  please  help  me  back  at  once/  she  cried, 


98  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

in  anguish,  'or  I  can  never,  never  be  disenchanted 
again,  and  my  ankle  is  dreadfully  sprained.' 

"  'At  last,  at  last,'  I  cried,  'have  I  found  suffer 
ing  lady  for  the  chivalry  of  gallant  knight.  Where, 
O  where  is  thy  pedestal,  and  I  shall  hasten  to  carry 
you  thither,' 

"  'Alas,'  she  cried,  'I  am  the  angel  of  progress, 
and  if  I  am  caught  at  this  escapade,  I  am  indeed 
undone.  I  stand  at  the  right  entrance  of  the  Elec 
tricity  building.' 

"  'Thou  shalt  not,'  I  cried.  'By  the  beard  of  the 
prophet,  thou  shalt  not  be  caught.  I  swear  it.' 

"With  that  I  lifted  the  lovely  creature  in  my  arms 
and  carried  her  swiftly  across  the  bridge.  She  be 
came  heavier  and  heavier  as  I  went,  for  she  was 
turning  back  to  stone,  so  that  when  I  came  to  the 
pedestal  it  required  such  strength  to  place  ker  there, 
that  with  this  done,  I  fainted. 

"I  was  aroused  by  the  brutal  toe  of  a  guard.  It 
was  broad  daylight.  I  turned  to  my  lady  love,  as 
does  the  flower  to  the  sun,  when,  what  do  you 
think?" 

Here  his  low  voice  grew  so  hoarse  that  he  could 
not  speak.  He  shuddered  at  the  memory  and  closed 
his  eyes. 

"I  hope  he  hasn't  disturbed  you,  children,"  said  a 
man  in  an  apologetic  voice,  as  he  took  Don  Quixote 
by  the  shoulder  and  brought  him  to  his  feet.  "He's 


99 


100  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

quite  harmless,  but  he  eluded  us  some  way  last 
night  and  we  have  been  searching  for  him  ever 
since.  He  is  one  of  several  we  have  brought  from 
the  asylum,  thinking  the  sights'  of  the  fair  might 
do  them  some  good." 

Nora  was  the  first  to  come  back  from  the  realms 
of  romance. 

"Well,  howly  mither  of  Moses?"  she  exclaimed; 
"I  wonder  phat  on  earth  was  the  matter  with  his 
lady  love." 

"Helena  Elenor  Evans,"  she  continued,  giving  the 
child  a  push  toward  the  retreating  figures.  "You 
run  ask  him." 

But  Helena's  curiosity  was  not  equal  to  the  task 
and  the  awful  secret  was  forever  lost. 

Matilda  drew  a  long  breath. 

"So  he  is  crazy,"  she.  said,  regretfully.  "Well, 
who  would  have  thought  it.?" 


CHAPTER  VII. 

A   FRESH    ARRIVAL   FROM    STUMPBURG. 

The  letters  sent  homeward  from  the  sightseers 
produced  a  profound  effect  in  Stumpburg. 

The  letter  of  "woonderful"  things  produced  even 
a  profounder  effect  upon  the  feelings  of  August.  He 
felt  very  certain  that  a  great  mistake  was  made 
when  he  did  not  go  along  with  the  crowd,  so  that 
Nora  could  be  kept  perpetually  under  -his  eye. 

August's  hired  man  brought  Nora's  letter  home 
from  the  postoffice  the  evening  of  the  next  day  after 
it  was  written.  Before  he  had  finished  reading  it 
August  had  made  up  his  mind. 

"I  must  see  that  woonderful  fair,"  he  exclaimed, 
emphatically.  "I  take  the  seven  o'clock  train  in  the 
morning  and  I  hunt  them  oop  in  the  fair  grounds  or 
I  walk  in  on  the  hotel  for  soorprise  'bout  supper 
time." 

August  was  a  man  of  action,  and  the  next  evening 
when  the  company  of  sightseers  from  •  Stumpburg 
were  gathered  in  Uncle  Jeremiah's  room  awaiting 
the  call  to  the  evening  dinner,  there  was  a  knock 
at  the  door  to  which  Squint  responded  by  throwing 
it  open,  thereby  revealing  to  the  astonished  inmates 
the  portly  form  of  August. 

IGi 


102 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


"Howly  Mither,"  cried  Nora,  aghast  at  the  pros 
pect. 

Squint  stood  on  his  head  to  show  his  delight  and 
amazement. 


The  Portly  Form  of  August. 

"I  had  to  see  the  woonderful,  very  woonderful 
panoramy,"  he  explained.  "I  must  see  the  woonder 
ful  guards  and  policeman  and  sojers." 

"When  and  how  did  you  get  here?"  inquired 
Uncle  Jeremiah. 

"A  man  I  know  was  coming  and  he  brought  me 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  103 

into  the  fair  grounds  at  noon.  Been  looking  for  you 
half  a  day." 

"How  did  you  get  out  and  come  here  to  this 
hotel?" 

"That  was  easy.  When  I  vant  to  get  oudt  I  shust 
follow  a  man  around  till  he  vent  out,  then  I  vent 
out,  and  ask  questions  till  I  got  to  this  room." 

"Where  are  you  going  to  stay?" 

"Ain't  this  house  big  'nough?"  he  inquired  in 
surprise. 

"But  it's  full,  August.  There  is  not  another  room 
to  be  had,"  answered  Uncle  Jeremiah.  "However, 
I  know  where  you  can  get  a  room,  and,  as  it  is  not 
yet  sundown,  you  would  better  go  there  right  away 
and  make  sure  of  it.  I  can  give  you  such  plain  direc 
tions  that  you  can't  miss  it." 

"Goot,"  responded  August.  "I  vill  go  right  avay 
and  come  back  after  I  get  something  to  eat,  so  you 
know  I  got  the  room,  and  come  again  in  the  morning 
at  eight  o'clock  to  go  altogedder  to  the  fair." 

Uncle  Jeremiah  took  him  to  the  car,  though  it 
was  not  far,  so  he  could  secure  his  lodging  sooner 
than  if  he  wasted  time  in  walking. 

August  took  the  car  as  directed  and  awaited  the 
approach  of  the  conductor  with  considerable  trepida 
tion. 

"Fare?"  he  asked,  as  usual,  holding  out  his  hand. 

"O,  ya,"  said  August.  "You  know  where  I  beene. 


104  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

Do  you  know  where  I  go?  I  beene  to  fair.  I  go 
nudder  place  to  a  room  to  sleep." 

"Pay  the  fare,"  continued  the  conductor,  more 
lucidly. 

"Yah,  wohl,  one  day  costet  two  tollar." 

"Pay  the  fare  on  this  car,"  continued  the  con 
ductor,  impatiently. 

"Yer,  wohl/'  said  August,  in  some  distress.  "I 
know  not  how  mooch  I  go  tomorrow.  I  shust  pay 
like  to-day." 

"Here,  give  me  your  nickel  for  this  ride  or  I  will 
stop  the  car,"  answered  the  exasperated  conductor. 

"O,  ya,  ya,"  answered  August,  diving  into  his 
pocket  for  money,  as  it  began  to  dawn  upon  him 
what  was  wanted.  "How  mooch?" 

"Five  cents." 

"Ya  wohl,"  said  August,  producing  a  nickel. 

"If  I  geef  you  this  neekel  will  you  take  me  to  seex 
hundred  number  on  this  street  ?" 

"Certainly." 

"You  sthop  the  car  there  and  let  me  geet  off." 

"Of  course,"  answered  the  conductor,  taking  the 
nickel.  "Just  watch  the  numbers  on  the  houses  and 
you  can  tell  when  you  get  up  to  your  number." 

August  understood  this  and  he  began  to  get  ex 
cited  as  the  numbers  approached  the  one  he  wanted. 

Presently  the  occupants  of  the  car  were  startled 
by  frantic  yells  from  August. 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  105 

"Sthop,  sthop;  we're  there." 

The  conductor  rang  the  signal  to  stop  at  the  next 
corner,  but  August  didn't  understand  this.  He  ran 
out  upon  the  rear  platform  and  threw  his  satchel 
over.  His  umbrella  went  next,  followed  by  his  lunch 
basket. 

"Ach,  vas  feer  ein  ferdampte  leegner,"  he  yelled 
as  he  made  a  jump  and  landed  on  his  head  in  the 
dirt,  bounding  over  like  a  rubber  toad. 

The  passengers  yelled,  the  conductor  gave  a  vio 
lent  signal  and  the  car  came  to  a  sudden  stop. 

"Vy  you  not  sthop  me  furst,  not  now?"  cried 
August,  running  about  to  pick  up  his  scattered  par 
cels,  as  he  shook  his  fist  at  the  conductor. 

That  functionary  seeing  no  harm  had  been  done, 
gave  the  signal  to  go  ahead,  and  August  was  left  to 
profit  by  his  experience. 

The  signs  around  the  number  where  he  was  to 
inquire  for  a  room  were  bewildering.  A  big  red 
sign  met  his  gaze  on  which  were  the  words,  "To 
Rent.  Inquire  Within."  He  went  in  and  asked  of 
the  first  man,  "I  vant  to  rent." 

The  office  agent  took  in  the  situation. 

"Very  well,"  he  replied.  "We  have  a  loft  two 
blocks  above." 

"Vot  you  teenk,"  answered  August  in  ill  humor, 
after  his  rough  experience.  "You  teenk  I  want  to 
leef  in  barn?  I  can  do  dat  at  home  for  nuttings.". 


116 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


"Well,    we  have   an   unoccupied    stairway,   two 
blocks  below." 


He  Made  a  Jump. 


"Vot,  you  geef  me  sthair  steps  for  bed  two  blocks 
below?  Nein!  I  cood  have  brought  a  sthep  ladder 
shoost  as  goot." 

"Well,  we  have  a  vacant  lot,  still  further  below." 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  107 

"Ach,  himmel!  Vot  you  teenk,  I  beene  ground 
hog?  Nein!  I  vant  von  schmall  room,  von  bed,  von 
chair,  von  veek,  seex  tollar." 

"O,  now  I  understand,"  said  the  agent.  "Come 
with  me  and  I'll  fix  you." 

"You  feex  me?" 

August  shook  his  head. 

"Go  on  with  him,  Dutchy,"  said  another,  sooth 
ingly,  and  August  proceeded.  In  a  few  minutes  he 
was  satisfactorily  settled  in  a  room  to  his  entire 
taste.  Dragging  a  chair  up  to  the  window,  where 
he  could  see  out  into  the  street,  he  lighted  his  pipe 
and  remarked,  "Vat  von  helle  of  beeples." 

The  Stumpburg  contingent  had  just  finished  din 
ner  and  come  out  into  the  hotel  lobby  when  August 
arrived  to  announce  that  he  had  eaten  and  was 
fixed  to  sleep.  After  looking  about  and  over  Nora, 
to  see  that  she  was  still  all  there,  and  making  her 
blush  furiously  for  fear  all  the  hotel  could  recog 
nize  her  country  lover,  August  went  outside  and 
found  Squint  trying  to  climp  a  lamp-post.  With  a 
tacit  understanding  that  needed  no  words  they  start 
ed  off  on  a  walk  together  to  see  what  they  could  see. 

The  usual  twilight  scenes  were  taking  place  along 
the  thoroughfares  and  nothing  occurred  that  inter 
ested  them  beyond  the  humdrum  of  life  until  they 
came  to  a  rather  pretentious  house  in  the  center  of  a 
spacious  yard,  far  enough  from  the  street  light  to 


108 


UNCLE,  JEREMIAH 


leave  it  in  comparative  darkness,  except  for  the 
lighted  interior  which  was  obscured  by  closely 
drawn  curtains.  A  woman's  voice  could  be  heard 
at  a  high  pitch  quivering  through  some  extraordi 
nary  variations. 

"Is  it  a  looneytick?"  doubtfully  inquired  Squint. 
"Or  is  it  some  one  hurted?" 


"Is  it  a  Looneytick?" 

They  paused  before  the  open  gate  of  the  low 
iron  fence.  The  fine-keyed  notes  came  forth  again 
in  sounds  more  like  shrieks  to  the  uncultured  hearers 
than  any  possible  kind  of  voice  culture  or  musical 
practice. 

"The  hall  door  is  open,"  said  August.    "You  slip 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  109 

up  there  an'  peek  in.  If  it's  any  murther  of  a  vso- 
mans,  shust  call  for  me." 

Squint  slipped  quickly  into  the  hall  and  peeped 
through  the  half -open  door  into  the  parlor,  where  a 
young  man  had  just  begun  to  thump  a  piano  as  the 
woman  started  in  on  another  run  around  the  vocal 
ring.  In  the  midst  of  Squint's  survey  of  the  parlor 
scene  a  door  in  the  hallway  opened  directly  behind 
him,  throwing  over  him  a  flood  of  light  punctured 
by  the  hysterical  screams  of  a  young  lady  who  had 
started  to  cross  the  hall  into  the  parlor  and  run  into 
Squint.  He  sprang  out  of  the  door  before  the 
screams  like  a  jackrabbit  before  the  yelps  of  a  dog. 
Out  through  the  gate  and  beyond  August  he  ran, 
as  if  the  furies  were  after  him.  August  was  too 
bewildered  to  move,  and,  in  a  moment  the  mascu 
line  members  of  the  household  had  him  surrounded. 

"Here's  the  thief,"  shouted  the  young  man  who 
had  been  pounding  the  piano,  as  he  seized  the  un 
resisting  August  by  the  arm.  "Some  one  call  the 
police." 

By  the  time  August  gained  control  of  his  tongue 
a  policeman  arrived. 

"Phat's  the  matter  wid  ye  here?" 

"This  ferdampte  bube  call  me  tief,"  protested 
August.  "He  do  so  vo'nce  more  alretty  und  I  schlag 
heem  on  de  kopf  mit  a  brickstein.  I  am  no  tief; 
I  peecefool  man." 


110  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"That's  not  the  thief,"  said  a  young  lady,  coming 
forward.  "It  was  a  boy  I  saw  at  the  umbrella  stand 
in  the  hall." 

"You  exonerate  this  Dutchman,  do  ye?"  in 
quired  the  policeman. 

"Yes." 

"Move  on,"  he  said,  giving  August  a  shove  for 
ward. 

August  obeyed  rapidly,  and  soon  came  upon 
Squint,  dodging  around  a  corner  two  blocks  away. 

"That  girl  like  to  a  got  me,"  he  said,  as  he  sur 
veyed  the  surroundings  with  cautious  alertness, 
"but  I  didn't  want  no  familiarity.  Say,  I  believe 
that  other  one  wasn't  getting  hurted;  she  was  just 
trying  to  sing." 

They  regarded  this  as  enough  adventure  for  one 
evening  and  were  returning  homeward  when  a 
sonorous  voice  muffled  in  some  open  building  met 
their  ears  and  excited  their  curiosity.  They  fol 
lowed  the  staccato  calls  and  discovered  a  lively 
auction  of  jewelry  taking  place  in  a  dingy  room  back 
of  three  big  yellow  balls  hanging  over  a  doorway. 

"Going,  going,  gone!"  shouted  the  auctioneer. 

"It's  one  of  those  slight-of-hand  trick  per 
formers,"  said  Squint.  "Didn't  you  hear  him  say 
going,  and  then  it  was  gone.  I  guess  he  swallowed 
it." 

"No,"  said  August;  "you  see  the  tree  balls.  That 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  111 

means  beesness.  One  for  the  money,  two  for  the 
show,  tree  to  make  ready  and  four  to  go.  The  fel 
low  that  talks  so  mooch  is  the  one  that  makes  it  go." 

The  auctioneer. was  making  another  harangue. 

"Going  at  fifty  cents,"  he  said;  "an  article  for  your 
lady  worth  two  dollars." 

"Listen  at  that,"  said  Squint.  "He  says  your  lady 
is  worth  two  dollars." 

August  stepped  inside.  The  auctioneer  nodded 
pleasantly  at  him  and  he  returned  the  salutation. 

"Gone,"  cried  the  auctioneer;  "gone  for  seventy- 
five  cents  to  the  German  gentleman  at  the  door." 

Before  August  could  protest  a  lady's  hat  pin  was 
put  into  his  hands  and  a  demand  made  for  the  price. 

He  gave  up  the  money. 

"I've  got  enough  of  this  blamed  town,"  he  said. 
"I  want  to  go  home." 

As  they  came  on  back  to  the  hotel  August  was 
walking  leisurely  along  the  brilliantly-lighted  street 
with  Squint  following  near,  when  he  saw  a  pocket- 
book  lying  on  the  edge  of  the  sidewalk.  He  started 
forward  to  inspect  it,  when  a  man  who  was  standing 
in  a  nearby  doorway  darted  forward,  kicked  it  into 
the  gutter  and  picked  it  up  from  under  August's 
hand. 

"O,  dot's  mine,"  cried  August.  "I  see  it  furst.  "Of 
you  not  keek  it  vay  I  got  it." 

"It's  no  go,  Dutchy,"  replied  the  agile  individual. 


112 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  113 

"I  got  it  and  you  know  possession1  is  nine  points  of 
law.  You  can  have  the  other  point.  I'll  take  the 
cash  and  you  can  have  the  purse." 

"Hello!"  he  continued,  as  he  opened  it  and  drew 
forth  a  twenty-dollar  bill  and  two  silver  dollars. 
"This  is  a  bigger  find  than  I  expected.  I  guess  I'll 
have  to  be  honest  with  you  and  divide  up.  Give  me 
ten  and  I'll  give  you  the  twenty  and  one  of  the 
silver  dollars." 

"Alright,"  said  August,  beamingly.  "You  bees 
goot  man  anyhow." 

August  brought  forth  a  handful  of  bills  from  his 
pocket. 

"Geef  me  the  silver  tollar  and  the  twenty  tollar." 

The  man  handed  them  over  and  August  started 
away  toward  the  drug  store  at  the  corner. 

"Here,  where  are  you  going?"  yelled  the  man. 

"Come  on,"  he  answered.  "I  go  to  geet  two  teen 
tollar  bills  for  dese." 

"But  you've  already  got  ten  dollars  in  change," 
cried  the  man  in  alarm. 

"Vera  well,"  answered  August.  "I  make  sure 
to  geef  you  teen  tollar  bill.  Come  on." 

But  the  man  did  not  come  on.  When  August 
looked  back  for  him  he  had  disappeared. 

"Here,  Mister  Droogist,"  he  asked,  handing  over 
the  twenty-dollar  bill,  "is  this  goot  or  bad  money?" 

The  druggist  looked  at  it. 


114 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


Drew  Forth  a  Twenty, 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  115 

"Bad,  very  bad,"  he  replied. 

"I  one  halif  taught  so,"  said  August. 

The  druggist  got  a  genuine  twenty-dollar  bill  and 
pointed  out  the  distinguishing  marks  of  the  coun 
terfeit. 

"There  I  tear  it  in  feer  parts,"  said  August,  "and 
I  hef  a  fine  soovneer  of  one  man  fool.  I  hef  the 
silver  tollar  an'  he  haf  the  purse." 

August  went  on  into  the  hotel  for  a  final  look  at 
Nora  before  returning  to  his  room.  He  found 
Ethelbert  on  the  upper  veranda  with  the  three  girls, 
giving  them  some  kind  of  a  lesson  on  the  wonders 
of  astronomy. 

"The  stars  look  little,"  he  announced,  "but  every 
one  is  many,  many  times  larger  than  this  world. 
Some  of  them  are  millions  of  times  larger." 

"I  don't  believe  it,"  said  the  incredulous  Helena. 

"Why  not?  What  do  you  know  about  it?" 

"I  guess  I  don't  know  much  more  about  it  than 
you  do,"  she  replied,  "but  I  do  know  that  if  they 
were  even  half  as  big  as  you  say  they  would  at 
least  keep  off  the  rain." 

The  argument  was  so  bewildering  as  to  be  in 
disputable  and  the  young  scientist  thought  he  would 
try  something  more  mysterious. 

"Besides  that,"  he  continued,  "there  are,  no 
doubt,  people  living  on  some  of  them,  if  not  all  of 
them." 


116  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"That's  so,"  corroborated  Matilda;  "I've  always 
heard  that  there  is  a  man  in  the  moon." 

Ethelbert  looked  disgusted. 

"That's  another  wan,"  replied  Nora.  "It  don't 
take  no  hortoscope  to  show  that  a  man  nivver  was 
•on  the  moon,  and  can't  be." 

"Well,  it  can  be,"  hotly  asserted  Ethelbert. 

"Thin  tell  me,  if  ye  plase,  what  the  gintleman  sits 
on  whin  the  moon's  so  new  that  it's  nothin'  but  jist 
a  little  thin  strake  ?" 

Ethelbert  suddenly  departed. 

"It's  time  wasted  to  talk  to  women,"  he  asserted. 
"They  can't  learn  anything  anyhow." 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

STUMPBURGIANS  BLENDING  WITH   SAINT 
LOUISIANS. 

August  appeared  promptly  on  time  to  join  the 
hotel  contingent  on  the  way  to  the  fair.  Squint 
never  lost  a  minute  while  awake  in  sightseeing,  and 
was  always  missing  when  wanted.  As  the  flying 
squadron  of  rural  visitors  mobilized  for  their  day's 
excursion.  Squint  was  yet  uncollected  and  Uncle 
Jeremiah  decided  to  let  him  learn  something  about 
the  value  of  promptness.  They  went  on  without  him. 
Presently  he  appeared  at  the  starting  point  and  dis 
covered  what  had  happened.  But  small  difficulties 
like  this  had  no  discouragement  for  him,  even  though 
he  found  that  he  had  spent  all  his  allowance  of 
money  but  ten  cents.  He  determined  to  get  into 
the  fair  somehow,  though  only  five  cents  remained 
when  he  arrived  at  the  gates.  This  was  ingloriously 
inadequate. 

He  tried  two  entrances,  but  no  excuse  was  suf 
ficient  and  he  resolved  to  climb  over  the  high  en 
closure,  if  he  could  find  an  unguarded  place.  This 
was  a  considerable  feat  for  any  one  but  a  cat  or  a 
squirrel.  However,  Squint  had  not  climbed  all  the 
hardest  trees  about  Stumpburg  without  acquiring 

117 


118  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

considerable  agility,  and,  no  sooner  had  he  found  a 
secluded  spot  in  the  high  wall  than  he  addressed 
himself  energetically  to  the  task  and  was  presently 
on  top.  One  glance  around  showed  that  the  place 
was  clear  of  guards,  but  one  of  them  could  be  seen 
coming  around  a  high  pile  of  lumber.  There  was  no 
way  to  get  down  but  to  jump  down  and  that  must 
be  done  quickly.  Several  persons  were  passing.  He 
let  loose  and  came  down  with  thud  enough  to  break 
ordinary  bones,  right  in  front  of  an  elderly  gentle 
man.  The  astonished  man  adjusted  his  spectacles 
as  Squint  arose,  limping. 

"Where  on  earth  did  you  come  from?"  he  in 
quired,  as  if  he  thought  the  boy  one  of  the  wonders 
of  the  fair  and  had  dropped  from  the  clouds. 

"I  came  from  Indiana,"  replied  Squint. 

"My  gracious,"  he  exclaimed,  "what  a  long  fall! 
But  I  have  learnt  since  coming  here  not  to  be  sur 
prised  at  anything.  Are  you  hurt?" 

"No,  sir,"  answered  Squint,  "I've  made  that  jump 
so  often  that  I've  got  used  to  it." 

"In  heaven's  name,"  continued  the  old  man, 
looking  after  Squint  as  the  boy  brought  his  jarred 
system  back  into  use,  "will  wonders  never  cease?" 

Squint  wandered  around  the  Manufactures  build 
ing  most  of  the  forenoon,  as  he  understood  that  his 
party  was  to  go  there  first.  His  quest  engaged  his 
attention  so  that  he  saw  many  things  in  general  but 


\ND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


120  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

nothing  in  particular.  He  had  learned  that  the 
chance  of  meeting-  any  certain  person  was  too  slight 
and  remote  to  be  taken  into  consideration,  never 
theless  he  kept  sharply  on  the  lookout.  Near  noon 
he  took  a  seat  on  a  bench  near  the  great  monument 
and  watched  the  people  go  by,  while  he  thought  how 
much  more  pleasant  it  was  to  see  things  along  with 
friends  than  alone.  Presently  he  was  elated  to  see 
Uncle  Jeremiah  coming  by.  He  knew  that  the  others 
could  not  be  far  away.  The  old  man  did  not  see 
him,  but  stopped  at  the  bench  as  if  he  were  weary 
and  would  like  to  sit  down. 

"Have  my  seat,  sir,"  he  said,  changing  his  voice 
as  much  as  possible. 

"Thank  you,  my  boy,"  said  Uncle  Jeremiah. 
"When  you  get  to  my  age  I'll  be  glad  to  return  the 
favor,  provided  I  may  have  the  chance  to  do  so." 

"Indade,  Uncle  Jeremiah,"  said  Nora,  coming  up. 
"And  where  did  you  find  the  boy?" 

"What  boy?"  asked  Uncle  Jeremiah,  looking  di 
rectly  at  Squint  for  the  first  time. 

"The  Stoompburg  haythen  that  we  brung  along, 
for  to  get  acquainted  with  his  brethren  from  over 
the  says." 

"Uncle  Jeremiah,"  interrupted  Ethelbert,  coming 
up  in  a  burst  of  enthusiasm,  "you  know  how  inter 
ested  I  am  in  Arctic  explorations.  Well,  over  in 
the  transportation  building  I  have  found  a  com- 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  121 

plete  exhibition  of  every  thing  that  has  ever  had 
part  or  interest  in.  Arctic  discoveries.  Let's  all  go 
over  and  look  it  through." 

"No,"  protested  Squint,  vigorously.  "I  don't 
want  to  encourage  such  things." 

"Why?"  asked  Ethelbert,  much  astonished. 

"Because,"  replied  Squint,  "there  is  geography 
enough  already.  It  is  hard  enough  to  learn  now 
without  finding  mores  capes  and  bays  and  mountains 
to  make  it  harder.'1 

Uncle  Jeremiah  began  an  inquiry  as  to  how  the 
youngster  had  got  into  the  grounds,  in  order  to 
read  him  a  lesson  on  the  value  of  promptness.  The 
only  reason  the  boy  could  give  for  not  being  at  hand 
was  the  much  abused  word  "  'cause." 

"That  reminds  me,"  said  Uncle  Jeremiah,  "of  a 
rhyme  I  once  knew  that  just  fits  such  an  answer. 
It  is  this: 

'A  big  black  crow  sat  on  a  tree, 

And  cawed  and  cawed  and  cawed  at  me, 
Said  I,  "Old  crow,  you're. not  polite, 

To  caw  at  me.     It  is  not  right. 
Now  tell  me  why  you  break  the  laws 

And  act  this  way  ?"    He  answered,  "  Caws" 
So  sure  as  you  and  I  do  live 

This  reason  is  what  small  boys  give, 
When  they  are  asked  just  why  they  do 

The  things  they  have  no  business  to." 


122  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

By  this  time  the  other  members  of  the  Stump- 
burg  family  had  arrived  and  were  ready  for  a  new 
world  to  conquer. 

"What  time  is  it,-  August?"  inquired  Uncle  Jere 
miah. 

"Don't  know." 

"Look  at  your  watch." 

"Can't.  I  feex  it  on  a  nail  in  the  cupboard  at 
home." 

"Why  didn't  you  bring  it  along?"  asked  Uncle 
Jeremiah,  in  surprise. 

"Do  you  think  I  would  tempt  Providence  by  leav 
ing  my  lofely  watch,  costet  tane  tollar,  hang  oop 
on  the  end  of  this  chain,  troo  so  many  peoples  as  in 
this  town?  No." 

"But  you  have  your  chain  there,  as  if  you  had  a 
watch,"  persisted  Uncle  Jeremiah,  "and  that  falsely 
supposes  that  you  have  a  watch  in  your  pocket." 

"So!  If  I  haf  a  bridle  in  my  hand  that  falsely 
supposes  that  I  haf  a  horse  pehind  pack;  no!"  he 
protested,  vigorously,  as  he  unconsciously  took  out 
his  thick  stub  pipe  and  stuck  it  in  his  mouth. 

Before  Uncle  Jeremiah  could  reply,  a  guard 
stepped  up  and  interposed. 

"No  smoking  allowed  here,"  he  said. 

"I'm  not  schmoking." 

"You  have  a  pipe  in  your  mouth." 

August  turned  on  him;  it  was  so  much  in  line 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  123 

with  his  controversy  with  Uncle  Jeremiah.  He  saw 
a  chance  to  annihilate  two  antagonists  at  one  blow. 

"So!  I  haf,  you  see,  my  feet  in  my  shoes.  Do 
you  tink  I  am  valking.  No!  Yes!  You  tink  I  am 
valking?  Ha,  ha!" 

The  guard  walked  away  and  Uncle  Jeremiah  gave 
it  up. 

"Ach,  der  dumme  yunge!"  exclaimed  August,  in 
emphasis  to  his  solar-plexus  blow,  as  he  looked  after 
the  guard.  "So  many  peeples  tink  with  the  same 
fool  head." 

"If  no  one  will  tell  me  the  time,"  said  Uncle 
Jeremiah,  returning  to  his  muttons  after  his  doubt 
ful  controversy,  "then  I  will  see  for  myself." 

"Time,"  said  he,  "according  to  my  watch,  is  rac 
ing  toward  one  o'clock.  You  all  look  tired.  We 
must  eat.  So,  whoever  knows  the  way  to  a  restaur 
ant,  kindly  lead  on."  Squint  was  posted  on  these 
features  of  the  grounds  and  soon  led  them  to  one 
whose  display  was  very  promising. 

The  Stumpburg  party  was  thoroughly  tired  and 
hungry.  As  Ethelbert  entered,  a  solemn  looking 
old  gentleman  was  passing  to  a  table  near  the  wall,, 
when  his  hat  careened  to  one  side.  He  made  a 
frantic  clutching  after  it,  but  the  breeze  was  too 
quick  and  hat  and  wig  left  his  bald  pate  shining  like 
a  fresh  young  turnip. 

Ethelbert  laughed  heartily  at  the  ludicrous  dis- 


124 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


comfiture  of  the  gloomy  gtntleman,  but  suddenly  he 
came  within  range  of  the  singing  electric  fan,  and 
his  own  new  straw  hat  left  its  moorings  too  sud 
denly  to  be  caught,  struck  a  man  on  the  nose  at  the 
nearest  table  and  fell,  crown  downward,  into  his 


Left  His  Bald  Pate  Shining. 


oyster  soup.  Ethelbert  rescued  his  hat,  with  due 
apologies  to  the  injured  eater,  and  the  party  sat 
down  in  no  pleasant  humor.  In  fact,  the  second 
glance  deepened  the  gloom,  for  the  place  was  far 
from  being  reassuring  as  to  quality  of  food. 

August  made  "the  first  growl.     A  waiter  thrust  a 
bill  of  fare  into  bis  hand. 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


125 


"Meester,  I  come  here  to  eat.  I  don't  vant  to 
read." 

"This  is  not  a  newspaper,"  replied  the  waiter. 
"It's  a  bill  of  fare." 


Into  His  Soup. 

"I  need  no  build  a  fire,"  August  protested.     "I 
am  hungrig.    I  vant  to  eat.   Where  is  your  vittels?" 
The  waiter  called  off  a  very  scanty  list  of  food. 


126  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"Is  that  all  you've  got  to  eat,"  asked  Uncle  Jere 
miah. 

"You've  not  got  to  eat  it,"  replied  the  waiter. 
" Thank  goodness,  I  don't  eat  here.  I  work  here." 

Meanwhile  the  soup  was  brought  in  and  each  one 
tasted  it. 

"This  is  not  soup,"  asserted  Nora.  "It's  only 
wather  boiled  down  enough  to  give  it  a  taste." 

"Say,  waiter,"  asked  Uncle  Jeremiah,  "can  we 
escape  from  here  by  paying  for  the  soup  ?" 

"Certainly,"  said  the  waiter. 

Uncle  Jeremiah  led  the  disgruntled  band  to  the 
cashier's  desk,  where  the  required  amount  was 
paid. 

"You  couldn't  tell  us  where  we  can  find  a  restaur 
ant,  can  you  ?"  asked  Ethelbert. 

"Yes,  sir,"  promptly  replied  the  young  lady. 
"There  is  one  just  beyond  the  next  building." 

They  hurried  on  as  directed  and  found  a  place 
as  elegantly  equipped  and  as  fastidious  in  its  service 
as  the  other  was  poor  and  uncouth. 

They  were  soon  comfortably  seated  and  Uncle 
Jeremiah  was  studying  the  card  to  order  for  them 
all. 

"It  will  cost  double  as  much  to  eat  here  as  at  the 
other  place,"  he  said,  "but  I  guess  it  is  worth  it 
and  we  need  the  food." 

"Why  does  it  cost  so  much?"  inquired  August. 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  127 

"Look  at  the  pictures,  the  music,  the  fine  table 
ware  and  the  style,"  said  Ethelbert.  "That  costs 
money." 

"Then  I  eat  blindfolded,"  replied  August.  "I 
don't  pay  for  my  eyes,  only  when  I  go  to  a  show." 

Squint  ate  so  rapidly  from  the  little  dishes  al 
lotted  to  his  share  that  Uncle  Jeremiah  thought  best 
to  reprove  him. 

"But  there's  not  much  here,"  he  protested,  "and 
I  want  to  finish  my  dinner  before  it  is  all  gone." 

Uncle  Jeremiah  thought  it  unjust  to  interrupt  him 
if  he  felt  that  way  about  it. 

However  costly  the  food,  Nora  plainly  did  not 
relish  it. 

"What's  the  matter,  Nora?"  asked  Uncle  Jere 
miah.  "Is  there  anything  else  I  can  get  for  you?" 

"O,  I'd  so  much  rather  have  something  nice  and 
tasty,"  she  replied,  "like  canned  corn  or  fried 
liver." 

Uncle  Jeremiah  called  the  waiter  and  gave  her 
order. 

"Tell  'em  just  to  dump  it  together  on  my  plate," 
she  asked.  "These  fringes  and  frills  and  little 
dishes  take  out  all  the  taste." 

"Ach  himmeir  sighed  August.  "I  tink  I  vill  eat 
myself  to  dead,  when  I  get  home.  It  vill  taste  so 
goot  to  eat  things  natural  where  it  don't  cost  nod- 
dings." 


128  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

Meanwhile,  Ethelbert  had  opened  up  conversation 
with  a  young  man  near  him  who  was  boasting  that 
he  had  a  fine  job  on  the  grounds  and  ate  three  meals 
a  day  at  this  place,  on  which  account  it  cost  him 
twenty  dollars  a  week  merely  for  table  board,  not 
to  speak  of  other  expenses. 

August  had  been  listening  attentively.  "I  vould 
not  do  it,"  he  interrupted.  It  is  not  vort  it.  No,  no, 
it  is  not  vort  it.  It  is  not  vort  twenty  tollar  a  veek 
for  any  pody  to  live.  My  forty  hog,  my  fife  horse 
and  my  ten  cow  with  the  pig  Durham  pull,  all  not 
cost  so  much,  and  they  are  vort  somedings." 

A  commotion  in  the  room  caused  them  to  look 
around,  when  they  saw  a  man  coming  from  a  back 
room  with  three  Patagonians,  whom  he  had  been 
introducing  to  a  private  American  feast. 

As  they  came  by,  the  Patagonians  began  to  talk 
together  in  voices  that  sounded  like  a  distant  pheas 
ant  thrumming  his  morning  call. 

"What  strange  sounds  these  Patagonians  make 
and  call  it  language,"  said  Uncle  Jeremiah.  "But 
even  the  most  cultured  languages  have  unaccount 
able  peculiarities.  Look  at  our  own  absurd  spell 
ings  and  pronunciations.  They  say  you  can't  kick 
a  man  in  French.  You  just  hand  out  a  blow  with 
your  foot,  and  they  can't  boast  in  German  except 
in  words  borrowed  from  the  French.  They  say  the 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  129 

Portuguese  never  wink.    They  just  open  and  close 

their  eyes." 

"That's  nowhere  as  interesting,"  declared  Ethel 
bert,  "as  the  way  the  Patagonians  churn  butter. 
They  put  the  cream  in  a  leather  bag,  tie  a  hundred 
foot  rope  to  it  and  attach  the  other  end  to  a  surcingle 
fastened  about  a  horse.  Then  the  rider  gets  on 
and  starts  on  a  circular  run  around  the  prairie  for 
about  three  miles.  That  bag  pounds  the  ground  in 
all  directions  until  they  arrive  at  the  starting  point, 
when  the  bag  is  opened  and  a  ball  of  butter  is  taken 
out." 

"That  is  not  as  easy  a  plan  as  a  traveler  told  me 
about  the  Pueblos  of  New  Mexico,"  said  Uncle 
Jeremiah.  "He  told  me  that  there  they  just  fill  a 
large  basin  nearly  to  the  top  with  milk  and  then 
throw  in  a  big  bull-frog.  He  kicks  and  kicks  until 
there  is  a  ball  of  butter  large  enough  for  him  to 
jump  from  over  to  the  ground  and  the  churning  is 
done." 

Ethelbert  hastened  to  change  the  subject.  "Can 
any  of  you  tell  me?"  he  inquired,  "why  that  Turkish 
church  house  over  there  is  called  a  Mosque?" 

"Of  course,"  replied  Matilda.  "It  is  because 
they  were  invented  in  Moscow." 

"O,  you  women!"  exclaimed  Ethelbert.  "It's 
no  wonder  you  drive  men  to  drink." 

"They  haven't  driven  the  sultan  to  drink  yet," 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  131 

spiritedly  replied  Matilda.    "He's  a  total  abstainer, 
and  he  has  several  hundred  wives." 

"Yes,"  replied  Ethelbert,  "and  I  predict  that  he 
will  die  if  he  doesn't  take  to  drink.  For  that  very 
Reason  he  has  long  been  known  as  the  sick  man  of 
Europe." 

"I  think  we  have  now  seen  enough  of  the  fair  in 
general,"  interrupted  Uncle  Jeremiah,  "and  I  think 
it  is  better  for  us  to  begin  to  see  it  more  in  par 
ticular.  Let  us  now  go  systematically  on  a  plan. 
Suppose  we  begin  by  going  in  at  the  northwest  side 
of  the  gov£rnment  building,  then  out  through  the 
Fisheries  exhibit,  after  which  we  will  weave  back 
and  forth  to  the  west  through  the  big  so-called 
palaces.  We  need  not  stop  to  talk,  but  all  can  take 
notes  and  we  can  talk  over  things  of  evenings." 

A  large  crowd  of  people  was  passing  along  the 
sunken  garden  and  they  hurried  into  the  Olympian 
way  toward  the  side  entrance  of  the  government 
exhibits.  As  they  turned  south,  their  attention  was 
attracted  to  August,  who  was  a  considerable  distance 
ahead  of  them.  He  was  talking  very  excitedly  to  a 
modest-looking  young  woman.  Uncle  Jeremiah 
went  over  to  them. 

"What's  the  matter  here?" 

"He  accuses  me,  sir,  of  taking  his  pocketbook," 
she  said  plaintively,  looking  up  into  Uncle  Jere- 


132  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

miah's  face,  so  pathetically  and  innocently  that  he 
was  won  over  at  once. 

"What  do  you  mean,  August,  by  insulting  this 
lady  so?"  he  said,  severely.  "When  did  you  lose 
your  money?" 

"It's  not  losted,  sir,  it's  found,"  said  Squint,  com 
ing  from  among  a  group  who  were  gathering,  curi 
ously,  if  not  indignantly,  about  the  two  disput 
ants. 

"Where  is  it,  then?"  angrily  inquired  Uncle  Jere 
miah.  "It's  shameful  to  subject  this  lady  to  such 
suspicion.  She's  innocent  as  a  babe.  You  can  see 
it  in  her  countenance." 

"It's  not  in  her  countenance;  it's  in  her  stocking," 
proclaimed  the  irrepressible  young  sleuth.  "I  saw 
her  making  the  motions  after  August  yelled  that  he 
had  been  robbed." 

A  guard  suddenly  appeared  in  the  midst  of  the 
rapidly  gathering  and  excited  crowd. 

"What's  the  trouble?" 

"The  lady  haf  my  pocketbook  in  the  leg  of  her 
socks,"  he  sputtered.  "It  haf  twenty  silver  tollars, 
five  hafs,  seven  kvarters,  und  four  neekles  wound 
up  in  ten  fife  toller  pills." 

The  crowd  roared  with  laughter. 

"We'll  settle  that  in  a  few  minutes,"  said  the 
guard.  "You  and  the  woman  come  with  me  to  a 
place  where  she  can  be  searched ." 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  133 

They  started  off  but  had  not  gone  far  when 
Squint  gave  a  yell.  The  guard  stopped  and  turned 
around. 

"Look  at  it,"  he  cried.  "Look  there  on  the  ground. 
It's  dropped  out." 

August  made  a  dive  for  his  pocketbook. 

"Is  that  yours?"  inquired  the  guard. 

"Ya,  ya,  ya,"  he  cried,  excitedly.  "Look  at  the 
money,  as  I  tole  you.  I  prove  it  py  Uncle  Jeremiah, 
py  Squint,  py  Nora,  py " 

"Well,  I  reckon  that's  enough,"  he  interrupted. 

"Here,  you  boy,  did  you  see  her  drop  it?"  con 
tinued  the  guard. 

"See  her  drop  it,"  repeated  Squint,  rather  startled. 
"D'ye  tink  I  was  standin'  on  my  head  rubber- 
neckin'?" 

The  crowd  yelled. 

"There  now,"  said  the  guard,  "you  folks  run 
away  and  I'll  have  this  lady  sent  out  of  town." 

He  went  on  with  the  young  woman  and  Uncle 
Jeremiah  felt  that  his  confidence  in  modest  innocence 
had  been  sadly  misplaced. 


134 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


CHAPTER  IX. 

A   GOVERNMENT   KINDERGARTEN    FOR  ADULTS. 

Grown-up  people  are  like  children.  They  can  get 
calmness  after  an  exciting  event  much  sooner  if  their 
minds  can  be  turned  upon  other  things.  As  the 
Stumpburg  people  came  up  before  the  entrance  of 
the  government  building,  Uncle  Jeremiah  saw  a 
chance  to  set  them  thinking  in  another  direction. 

They  saw  a  woman,  withered,  wrinkled  and  de 
crepit,  being  wheeled  from  the  building  in  a  chair. 
Uncle  Jeremiah  called  the  attention  of  his  group  to 
her. 

A  bystander  said  that  she  was  ninety-five  years 
old,  but  that  she  took  a  lively  interest  in  all  the 
sights  of  the  fair.  She  was  so  shriveled  as  to  be  a 
wretched  sight  to  young  eyes,  but  venerable  to  those 
old  enough  to  appreciate  her  length  of  life. 

"Uncle  Jeremiah,"  said  Helena,  "will  I  ever  be 
that  old?" 

"Yes,  my  child,"  he  replied,  "you  may  be  if  you 
are  good  and  take  proper  care  of  your  health." 

"O,  me!  O,  my!"  she  exclaimed  to  Matilda;  "it 
must  be  awful  to  be  good  and  to  take  care  of  one's 
health." 

Matilda  was  too  shocked  to  reply. 

135 


136  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"How  olt  air  you,  Nora?"  asked  August,  as  if 
this  had  suggested  an  interesting  question  to  him. 

"I  do  be  twenty-four,"  she  replied;  "I  was  born 
in  1880." 


Being  Wheeled  from  the  Building. 

"Ach!"  exclaimed  August,  "now  I  haf  you. 
More  as  five  yeer  ago  you  said  you  was  born  in 
1880,  and  last  Christmas  you  said  you  was  twenty- 
four.  Now  it  is  close  to  fort  July,  1904,  and  you 
say  the  same  ting  yet  alretty." 


137 


"Of  course  I  said  !•  was  twenty-four,"  she 
answered ;  "  do  you  think  I  am  a  person  who  would 
say  wan  thing  wan  toime  and  another  another 
toime?  Do  you  think  I  was  borrun  before  my 
toime  or  after?  I  do  not  carry  my  age  in  my 
pocket  to  change  it  like  a  dollar." 

With  such  a  mathematical  and  ethical  problem 
working  in  his  head  so  lately  disturbed  by  the  woman 
pickpocket,  August  followed  on  in  rather  a  dazed 
condition. 

The  government  building  was  a  place  of  excep 
tional  mystery  and  interest,  and  the  observer  must 
always  be  amazed  at  the  thoroughness  and  extensive- 
ness  of  investigations  made  in  the  interest  of  the 
people.  Models  perfected  to  the  latest  scientific 
utility  are  arranged  to  make  full  and  clear,  even  to 
the  most  unlearned  farmer,  the  best  means  of  suc 
cessful  industry.  The  national  museum,  the  Smith 
sonian  Institution  for  the  diffusion  of  knowledge,  and 
the  various  bureaus  in  Washington  city,  have  ex 
hibits  and  working  models  of  the  widest  and  most 
practical  educational  value. 

"Look  at  the  wagon,"  cried  Squint,  enthusi 
astically. 

As  the  Stumpburg  crowd  stopped  at  his  call,  he 
read,  "This  wagon  was  used  from  1861  to  1863  in 
the  Army  of  the  Potomac,  when  it  was  sent  to  Nash 
ville,  whence  it  went  4,160  miles  through  the  cam- 


138  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

paigns  and  marches  of  General  Sherman's  army, 
having  seen  service  four  years  and  nine  months." 

"It  has  a  pretty  good  soldiering  record,"  re 
marked  Uncle  Jeremiah,  "and  it  is  no  wonder  they 
have  retired  it  in  its  old  age  to  the  comfortable 
existence  of  a  relic  in  the  museum." 

"Really,  does  it  get  a  pension?"  inquired  Squint. 

An  exclamation  from  August  brought  the  re 
sponsive  group  of  nervous  curiosity  seekers  over  to 
him.  He  stood  speechless  in  view  of  two  remark 
able  objects. 

"Look  once,"  he  said,  as  they  gathered  around 
him.  "They  have  fixed  the  show  of  a  fight  between 
a  whale  and  a  battleship.  They  are  going  gerade  at 
each  other." 

"Ach  du  leeber  Augustine!"  exclaimed  Nora,  in 
mockery.  "The  great  baste  of  the  say  is  only  par 
alyzed  like  you  at  looking  for  the  furst  toime  upon 
the  front  ind  of  the  navy  plowing  through  painted 
wather." 

They  went  into  the  cut-off  end  of  the  ship  and 
looked  at  the  wax  officers  and  men  that  were  in 
charge  of  the  apartments. 

"How  lovely,"  exclaimed  Nora,  rapturously,  "tot 
have  a  wax  man.  He  wouldn't  go  fussing  around 
upsetting  calculations,  or  furniture,  and  getting  ex 
cited  about  the  kitchen  and  the  children." 

As  they  came  down  the  stairway  from  the  upper 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


139 


deck  they  discovered  that  Matilda  was  missing,  and 
the  flock  flew  away  in  search  of  her.  They  found 
her  standing  entranced  before  a  pavilion  of  army 
officers  and  men  set  up  to  show  the  various  styles 
of  uniforms.  Just  then  there  appeared  a  more  thrill 
ing  scene  in  real  life.  A  score  of  men  came  by 


Entranced. 


more  gorgeously  arrayed  in  golden-laden  garments 
than  Uncle  Sam  ever  dared  to  put  upon  even  his 
greatest  generals. 

"Look,"  cried  Ethelbert.  "It's  some  foreign  court 
of  princes,  sure.  They're  Germans,  so  they  must 
be  from  the  emperor's  palace  in  Berlin." 

"Huh!"  exclaimed    Squint,    in    disgust.      "It's 


140  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

a  brass  band.  I  saw  them  awhile  ago  playing  tunes 
down  there  in  the  bandstand." 

The  grand  princes  became  commoners  at  once  and 
the  youths  turned  away  to  more  attractive  objects. 

At  the  far  end  of  the  building  August  became  lost 
in  absorbing  interest  among  the  farm  exhibits  and 
Nora  ran  into  the  cases  containing  models  of  im 
mensely  magnified  insects  that  were  under  investi 
gation  by  the  government. 

"Holy  horrors!"  she  cried;  "come  here  and  look 
at  the  ticks  two  whole  spans  long.  Here's  yellow 
fever  mosquitos  bigger  than  my  foot.  No  wonder 
the  poor  sojers  died  in  Cuba.  It  was  enough  to  scare 
them  to  death." 

Uncle  Jeremiah  called  them  to  see  the  ribbon  fish 
that  lived  three  miles  deep  in  the  sea,  and  was  so 
light  that  it  took  a  dozen  yards  of  them  to  weigh  a 
pound. 

"Since  we  are  so  near  the  special  fishery  exhibit," 
said  Uncle  Jeremiah,  "let  us  go  on  over  there  and 
come  back  through  the  government  building  to  finish 
it  up." 

This  appeared  desirable  in  the  saving  of  steps 
and  they  went  in  to  see  what  the  United  States  could 
show  in  its  fishing  industries.  A  splashing  of  water 
in  the  central  pool  with  the  excited  attention  of  by 
standers  caused  them  to  run  over  in  time  to  see  the 
keeper  feeding  fish  to  the  seals.  He  threw  the  live 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


141 


fish  here  and  there,  and,  as  if  knowing  their  fate, 
they  darted  away  the  moment  they  struck  the  water. 
But  the  hungry  seals  were  quicker.  They  caught 
the  fish  in  their  mouths,  and,  with  powerful  strokes 
of  their  claws,  tore  them  to  pieces  and  swallowed 


Yellow  Fever  Mosquitoes. 

the  bits.  Even  though  they  were  fish  being  thus 
torn  to  pieces  alive,  it  was  not  a  very  humane  sight 
and  the  visitors  went  on  to  the  galleries  where  they 
could  look  face  to  face  with  all  the  peculiar  animals 
of  the  great  deep. 

"Look  at  the  sting- ray,"  cried   Nora,   "how  he 


142  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

shakes  his  blanket  to  swim.  Sure  and  there's  one 
fish  that  thinks  he's  a  burrid." 

Down  from  the  rocks  back  of  the  tank  came  crawl 
ing  all  the  hideous  saucy  monsters  one  could 
ever  see  even  in  the  most  fearful  dreams,  and  it  was 
with  a  sigh  of  relief  that  they  passed  on  to  see  the 
beautiful,  graceful  swimmers  of  fresh  water  streams. 
After  looking  over  the  almost  endless  appliances  of 
fish  hatcheries,  fish  growth,  fish  catching  arid  fish 
preserving  for  the  markets  they  went  on  back 
through  the  government  building  past  the  middle 
entrance  to  the  part  they  had  not  yet  seen. 

The  white-robed  figures  of  the  medical  department 
caught  their  attention  and  they  hurried  over  to  see 
what  it  all  meant. 

"These  are  hospital  appliances,"  explained  Uncle 
Jeremiah. 

"I  know,"  said  Squint.  "This  is  where  they  put 
people  who  ketch  sickness  from  a  felly  named  Mike 
Robe. 

"Sure,  he's  no  Irishman,"  quickly,  if  not  resent 
fully,  asserted  Nora,  "or  he  would  have  an  O  be- 
fure  his  name." 

"His  family  has  only  recently  been  discovered/'" 
said  Ethelbert.  "They  have  been  unknown  from 
Adam  to  the  present  time." 

"What  a  foine  joke  they  have  had  laughing  at 
their  own  concalement,"  she  scornfully  replied. 


(AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  143 

"Even  now,"  replied  Ethelbert,  "I  know  lots  of 
people  who  would  give  all  they  have  if  they  could 
only  see  Mike." 

"You  needn't  mane  to  say  that  I  am  one  of  thim," 
; returned  Nora.  "Such  folks  all  live  in  the  blind 
asylums." 

"But  there  is  one  great  Irishman  here  that  I'd 
loike  to  see,"  continued  Nora,  "though  he  may  after 
all  be  playing  a  bagpoipe.  I  see  his  name  painted  up 
on  lots  of  the  buildings." 

"Who  is  that?"  inquired  EtHelbert. 

"I  don't,"  replied  Nora,  "but  his  name  is  McMiv. 
Whin  we  go  back  home,  if  you  will  look  up  on  the 
Wabash  depot,  you  can  see  that  he  is  give  great 
honors." 

"McMiv,"  musingly  repeated  Ethelbert,  much 
puzzled.  Then  a  light  dawned  on  him  and  he  laughed 
loud  and  long. 

"And  what  is  funny  about  my  friend  McMiv?" 
said  Nora,  in  an  injured  tone. 

"McMiv,"  he  replied,  "is  the  Roman  numerals 
for  1904.  McM  is  1900  and  iv  is  4." 

"Then  he's  all  right,  if  he  is  a  Roman  numeral," 
she  replied,  "for  his  father  must  have  come  of  a 
foine  old  Irish  family." 

Nora  was  hopeless  in  such  a  discussion  and  Ethel 
bert  let  her  have  it  her  own  way. 

Just  then  two  young  men  and  a  woman,  obviously 


144 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


brothers  and  sister,  came  by.  Their  height  was 
more  than  a  head  above  the  average  persons  around 
them. 

"Look  at  that  tall  family,"  said  Matilda.    "They 


"A  Good  Auld  Irish  Name." 

must  be  noted  enough  for  their  longevity  to  be  in 
a  show." 

Ethelbert  laughed. 

'"You'd  better  go  read  your  dictionary.    Longevity 
means  long  living." 

"What's  the  difference?"  said  Nora.    "Ain't  long 
living  and  living  long  about  the  same?     I'd  rather 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  145 

know  how  to  prevent  the  appearance  of  ould  age 
than  to  do  either." 

"That's  easy,"  said  Squint.  "Earn  your  living 
as  the  glass-eater  in  a  show.  I  heard  one  of  them 
say  it  was  the  quickest  way  to  prevent  long  life  of 
any  he  knew,  except  sleeping  on  a  railroad  track." 

The  display  of  lighthouses  distracted  their  atten 
tion  and  Nora  said  that  they  were  well  named  for 
such  spindling  things  couldn't  be  very  heavy,  and 
she  thought  the  people  who  lived  in  the  glass  houses 
shouldn't  throw  any  stones. 

The  Stumpburg  visitors  were  well  scattered  when 
they  were  called  about  a  glass  case  at  the  far  end 
of  the  building  in  the  postoffice  exhibit,  by  the  admir 
ing  call  of  Helena. 

"Here  is  Owney,  the  postal  clerks'  dog,"  she  said. 
"Father  told  me  about  him  and  here  he  is  all  stuffed 
to  look  at,  covered  all  over  with  medals  and  trunk 
checks,  that  he  got  on  his  travels." 

Owney  had,  indeed,  made  a  name  for  himself,  and 
now  that  his  travels  were  over,  he  would  henceforth 
be  on  exhibit  to  show  what  a  dog  can  do,  and  what 
sentiment  the  postal  clerks  cherish  toward  him.  As 
he  was  there  at  government  expense,  it  showed  that 
even  the  government  has  sentiment. 

When  they  had  passed  out  of  the  front  entrance  of 
the  building,  Uncle  Jeremiah  read  the  dedicatory 
statement  over  th<?  door ; 


146  UNCLE.  JEREMIAH 

"  TO  THE  PIONEERS  WHO  FIRST  BRAVED  THE  UNKNOWN,  WHOSE 
DEEDS  DEVELOPED  THE  VAST  EMPIRE  COMPRISED  IN  THE  LOUISIANA 

PURCHASE,  THIS  BUILDING  is  DEDICATED  BY  A  GRATEFUL  PEOPLE." 

As  it  was  now  growing  late  and  there  was  little 
time  to  see  mutch  more,  Uncle  Jeremiah  advised 
them  to  scatter  and  see  what  they  could  see  for  the 
next  hour  and  then  gather  at  the  entrance  gate 
to  return  to  the  hotel.  Uncle  Jeremiah  and  Ethel- 
bert  walked  on  together  to  the  tower  that  loomed 
up  before  them.  The  elevator  was  about  to  take 
some  people  to  the  top  and  they  decided  to  go  up 
also  where  they  could  see  a  panorama  of  the  fair  in 
a  bird'seye  view  of  buildings  and  grounds. 

"Ethelbert,  can't  you  think  of  a  big  word,"  said 
he  when  they  reached  the  top,  "that  will  bunch  this 
thing  up  into  one  expressive  idea?" 

"Certainly,"  replied  the  ever-ready  young  savant, 
"this  is  a  microcosm  of  human  creation." 

"Good  enough,"  he  replied,  "but  can't  you  get 
the  word  gorgeous  in  there  somewhere?" 

"That  is  unscientific,"  replied  the  young  man. 
"That  word  expresses  feelings  but  not  intelligence. 
Such  a  term  is  relative.  It  is  proportionate  only  to 
our  conditions.  A  crow  probably  thinks  that  a  big 
cornfield  with  no  scarecrows  in  it  is  a  gorgeous 
sight." 

"Very  well,  if  we  want  big  words  to  express 
what  we  can  see  from  this  place,  I  would  say  that 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  147 

we  have  a  fine  view  of  mundane  procrastination. 
Look  at  those  men  over  there  just  laying  the  founda 
tion  of  the  building  in  which  they  are  to  do  busi 
ness.  Some  of  the  pavilions  have  only  an  exhibit 
of  unopened  boxes.  Others  had  everything  com 
plete  for  visitors  a  week  or  more  before  the  first 
day  of  the  fair.  The  makers  of  this  great  exhibi 
tion  completed  their  stupendous  and  masterful  labor 
in  due  season,  but  the  exhibitor  occupying  one 
thousandth  part  of  one  building  has,  in  some  cases 
not  yet  removed  his  goods  from  the  freight  car." 

"Do  you  see  that  big  white  sign  away  over  there 
on  that  box  car  ?"  continued  Uncle  Jeremiah  "Now 
take  my  field  glass  here  and  see  if  you  can  read  it." 

Ethelbert  adjusted  the  glass  and  read,  "Carbor 
undum  Exhibit,  Machinery  Building,  Block  16. 
Don't  fail  to  see  this  Exhibit." 

"Now  what  on  earth  is  carborundum?"  said 
Uncle  Jeremiah.  "I  would  hunt  that  out  just  to  sat 
isfy  myself  what  it  is  with  such  a  sounding  name 
that  I  never  heard  of  before,  but  I  can't  stay  here 
in  these  grounds  till  the  contents  of  that  car  is  prop 
erly  displayed  in  Machinery  building,  even  though 
the  sign  urgently  requests  me  to  do  so." 

Just  then  there  was  a  furious  crackling  overhead 
like  a  great  oak  tree  just  breaking  to  fall  from  the 
woodman's  axe. 

"What's  that!"  exclaimed  the  startled  group. 


148  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"Just  sending  a  message  by  the  wireless,"  said 
the  attendant.  "Don't  get  scared.  It  won't  hurt 
you." 

The  general  opinion  of  the  box  of  sightseers  was 
that  they  would  rather  be  on  firm  ground  and  they 
were  soon  accommodated. 

Ethelbert  walked  back  and  found  the  rest  of  the 
troupe  gathered  around  a  big  gun  near  the  govern 
ment  building.  He  felt  that  he  could  greatly  in 
struct  them  regarding  guns  but  he  remained  silent. 
He  had  learned  by  repeated  experience  what  a  task 
it  was  to  enlighten  feminine  minds. 

"Ethelbert,"  said  Nora,  as  she  stood  in  profound 
contemplation  before  the  deadly  looking  object] 
"I  want  to  ask  you  a  question." 

"All  right,"  he  answered  beamingly  as  this  def- 
ference  was  paid  to  his  superior  knowledge.  "Go 
ahead.  I'll  answer  it." 

"Which  is  the  most  useful  in  this  gun,  the  hole 
or  the  iron  around  it?" 

August  had  meanwhile  joined  them  and  heard  the 
question. 

Ethelbert  was  speechless. 

No  one  answering,  Helena  tried  it. 

"The  hole  of  course,"  she  said,  "or  where  would 
they  put  the  bullet  ?" 

"Ach,  dumm  kopf!"  exclaimed  August,  "how 
many  sojers  could  you  kill  from  a  hole  in  the  air?" 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


149 


Ethelbert  fled  and  left  them  to  their  speculative 
discussion. 

Uncle  Jeremiah  coming  up,  Helena  began  to  beg 
to  be  allowed  to  go  with  Squint,  as  it  was  nearing 
time  to  leave  the  grounds,  to  the  big  merry-go- 
round  in  the  Pike  and  ride  till  time  to  leave. 


From  a  Hole  in  the  Air." 


"No,"  said  Uncle  Jeremiah,  "I  think  you  rode 
enough  on  that  thing  yesterday  for  its  share  of  our 
attention  and  money,  besides,  isn't  the  fair  better 
than  a  merry-go-round  ?" 

"Well,  all  right  for  you,"  wailed  the  child  in 
dubious  prophecy,  "You  just  won't  let  me  go  any- 


150  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

where,  nor  see  anything,  nor  have  any  fun!  I 
thought  I  was  coming  here  to  have  a  good  time,  and 
now  I  see  that  nobody  will  let  me  have  a  good  time." 

Childish  estimates  and  ungratefulness  were  how- 
•  ever  soon  dispelled  and  other  things  forgotten  in  the 
whirling,  gyrating  sights  moving  about  as  in  a  vivid 
dreamland.  As  they  went  on  toward  the  homeward 
gates,  Helena  forgot  her  troubles,  but  Nora  heaved 
numerous  sighs  of  weariness. 

"What  is  the  matter,  Nora?"  asked  Uncle  Jere 
miah, 

"O,  I  am  getting  so  tired,"  she  replied,  "of  look 
ing -at  so  much  that  I  can't  remember." 

"Why,  I  supposed  you  would  like  to  live  forever 
in  such  a  wonderland." 

"No,  indade,"  she  replied.  "I'd  rather  be  a  hitch 
ing  post  before  the  church  dure  at  Stoompburg,  than 
to  be  any  one  I've  seen  living  in  this  jamboree 
city." 

When  they  reached  the  cars,  they  had  to  find  seats 
wherever  they  could  and  Nora  found  herself  very 
uncomfortably  seated  with  a  talkative'old  lady. 

"Wonderful  fair,  isn't  it?"  said  she  to  Nora,  at 
the  first  chance  she  had  to  speak.  "What  is  the 
most  interesting  thing  you  have  seen  here  ?" 

"It's  a  stuffed  burrid,"  replied  Nora,  determined 
to  do  most  of  the  talking  herself.  "It's  over  there 
where  they  are  showing  all  kinds  in  the  worraled 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  151 

from  a  pee-wee  to  an  ostrich.  That  burrid  is  a 
stuffed  cornfield  crow  with  a  tag  on  it  as  coming 
from  the  very  county  I  live  in  back  in  Indiana.  It's 
wonderful  for  I  may  have  seen  it  there  whin  it  was 
alive,  and  I  can  tell  our  folks  that  we  furnished  a 
crow  for  the  great  exposition.  That's  better  than 
lots  of  other  counties  done  that  didn't  have  noth 
ing  to  show  for  thimselves  at  the  fair.  What  has 
interested  you  the  most  ?" 

"I  reckon  it  was  the  big  prune  horse,"  she  re 
plied.  "I  kaint  see  how  they  could  fill  anything  up 
with  prunes  and  make  it  look  so  natural." 

"Aint  thar  anything  else  that  interested  you?" 
persisted  the  old  lady. 

"O,  yes,"  replied  Nora,  "I've  heard  more  fool 
things  and  seen  men  and  women  dressed  up  in  more 
fool  ways  than  I  could  invint  if  I  was  crazy  a  year." 

"Where  are  you  from?"  said  a  man  to  Uncle 
Jeremiah,  as  soon  as  the  car  was  well  on  its  way. 

"I'm  a  Hoosier.     Where  are  you  from?" 

"Washington  state." 

"I  suppose  it's  a  common  thing  out  in  your  state 
to  grow  strawberries  as  big  as  saucers,  and  apples 
and  potatoes  as  big  as  your  head." 

"No,  sir,"  promptly  responded  the  man  from 
Washington  state,  "not  more  than  three-fourths 
that  size." 

"Well,  you're  candid,"  replied  Uncle  Jeremiah. 


152 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


"I've  been  stuffed  with  some  big  yarns  and  it's  re 
freshing  to  get  even  a  fourth  knocked  off.  Do  you 
belong  to  the  church?" 

"Yes,  back  in  Pennsylvania." 

"Then  you  have  not  lived  long  in  Washington." 


We  Furnished  a  Crow. 

*O,  yes,  nigh  on  to  twenty  years." 

"Why  don't  you  move  your  church  membership 
there?" 

M  'Cause  I've  always  been  expecting  every  month 
to  move  the  next  one  up  into  Oregon.  That's  why 
|  don't  boost  up  Washington.  But  I  can't  go  till 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  15B 

I  sell  out  and  I  haven't  had  an  offer  in  all  that  twenty 
yeer.  Howsomever,  I  am  blessed  with  Job's  pa 
tience  and  I'm  still  waiting  and  expecting.  You 
don't  know  any  one  as  wants  to  buy  the  best  farm 
in  the  state  of  Washington,  do  you  ?  It'll  raise  big 
ger  strawberries,  bigger  potatoes,  and  bigger  apples 
than  any  farm  on  earth." 

A    newsboy    came   along   and    Uncle    Jeremiah 
bought  an  evening  paper. 


CHAPTER  X. 

A  PACKAGE  OF  EXHIBITS  FROM  BARON  MUN- 
CHAUSEN. 

The  Stumpburgians  arrived  at  the  corner  of  the 
block  which  contained  their  hotel  a  little  early  to 
go  on  to  dinner,  and  they  strayed  slowly  along  look 
ing  at  the  sights  of  the  streets.  The  fair  had  won 
ders,  but  the  merchants  in  the  business  district  also 
had  exhibits  that  were  little  less  interesting  to  rural 
eyes  and  tastes.  Uncle  Jeremiah  left  the  young 
folks  to  stroll  on  and  amuse  themselves  with  the 
displays  in  the  show  windows,  while  he  went  on  to 
rest  in  the  hotel.  Near  the  corner  of  a  big  store, 
Matilda  was  much  shocked  to  see  Ethelbert  grinning 
in  great  amusement  before  a  miserable  old  woman 
who  was  grinding  a  consumptive  hand  organ. 

"Look  at  the  statement  stuck  on  the  music  box," 
he  whispered. 

She  read,  "Charity  for  the  mother  of  seven  small 
children  and  a  sick  husband." 

"Only  look  at  this  once,  will  ye,"  Nora  called 
from  a  show  window  near  them. 

They  ran  over  to  her  and  saw  a  display  of  cali 
coes  and  cloth.  On  the  cloth  there  was  pinned  a 
card  extolling  the  merits  of  the  goods. 

154 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  15* 

Matilda  read,  "This  cloth  will  wear.  Yes,  it  will 
wear  forever  and  make  you  a  petticoat  afterward." 

"Dear  me,"  said  the  astonished  Nora,  "who'd  a 
thought  it,  and  only  twinty  cints  a  yard?" 

Across  the  street  there  was  a  dime  museum  with 
a  weird  display  of  nightmare  figures.  A  bagpipe 
set  up  its  whistling,  wheezing  sound  of  hop-and-skip 
sounds. 

."Only  listen  at  that,  will  ye,"  said  Nora.  "It  sings 
like  a  child  crying  at  a  caterwauling  cat  scratching 
a  squealing  pig.  But  I'll  be  blest  if  I  don't  belave 
it's  one  of  them  Scotch  bag-poipes." 

Ethelbert  was  at  a  near-by  show  window  seeing 
things  that  he  thought  worthy  of  special  comment. 
It  was  filled  with  piles  of  shopworn  handkerchiefs, 
ties  and  colored  shirts.  t  His  particular  interest  was 
centered  in  the  statement  setting  forth  their  allure 
ments. 

"Genuine  articles  of  high  merit  reduced  to  thirty- 
five  cents." 

"That  looks  like  an  insult  to  World's  Fair  vis 
itors,"  he  remarked  gloomily.  "That's  just  what  it's 
done  for  me,  high  merit  reduced  to  thirty-five  cents." 

"I  wonder  why  these  things  are  called  point  lace," 
inquired  Matilda,  at  another  window. 

"Why,  you  gilly  girl,"  replied  her  brother,  "don't 
you  see  that  every  fool  woman  coming  by  here  points 
her  finger  at  it?  That's  easy." 


156  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

Ethelbert  went  into  the  building  and  surveyed  the 
mysteries  of  the  big  store.  He  decided  to  take 
the  elevator  for  a  further  investigation  above.  In 
his  observation  concerning  city  manners  he  had  no 
ticed  that  some  gentlemen  removed  their  hats  when 
ladies  came  into  the  elevators,  and,  as  the  swish  of 
petticoats  came  by  him  he  removed  his  hat,  but  kept 
his  eyes  intent  upon  the  lever  worked  by  the  elevator 
boy.  The  door  closed  with  a  bang  and  the  car 
started  upward. 

Hearing  a  chuckling  laugh  he  looked  up  and  was 
horrified  to  behold  two  headless  women  standing  at 
his  side.  A  clerk  had  his  arms  about  their  waists 
and  was  much  amused  at  the  respect  shown  the 
two  dummies  by  the  young  man.  Ethelbert  clapped 
his  hat  back  on  his  head  and  felt  decidedly  better 
when  the  clerk  carried  the  two  figures  out  at  the  first 
floor. 

In  due  time  the  evening  meal  was  disposed  of  and 
they  gathered  about  Uncle  Jeremiah  in  the  front 
window  of  the  hotel  lobby  where  they  could  view 
the  passersby  along  the  sidewalk. 

"What  are  you  doing,  Matilda?"  asked  Uncle 
Jeremiah,  as  he  saw  her  scribbling  in  a  note  book. 

"O,  it's  just  a  record  of  things,"  she  explained, 
"which  have  made  such  an  indelible  impression  on 
my  mind  that  I  don't  want  to  forget  them." 

"But,"  continued  Uncle  Jeremiah,  "if  these  things 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


157 


have  made  an  indelible  impression  on  your  mind 
what's  the  use  of  writing  them  down  ?" 


He  Removed  His  Hat. 

"Why,  of  course,"  she  replied,  "so  I  will  know 
what  is  worth  forgetting." 


158  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

It  was  a  puzzler  and  Uncle  Jeremiah  gave  it 
up. 

Ethelbert  came  up  and  brother-like  snatched  the 
note  book  out  of  her  hand. 

"Let  us  see,"  he  said  against  her  protests,  "what 
it  is  that  makes  an  indelible  impression  on  your 
mind." 

"Read  it  if  you  want  to,"  she  said,  "it  may  do 
you  more  good  than  me.  I  copied  it  from  a  memo 
randum  in  a  nurse's  diary,  that  was  among  an  ex 
hibit  of  sick  room  appliances." 

He  read : 

"Woman :  beware  of  matrimony  with  the  miser 
or-  the  spendthrift;  the  fickle  or  the  fanatic;  the 
nagger  or  the  unconcerned;  the  untruthful  or  the 
zealot;  the  effeminate  or  the  tyrant;  the  coward  or 
the  bully;  one  of  low  ideals  or  the  mere  dreamer; 
the  jealous  or  the  teaser;  one  who  condemns  with 
sneers;  one  whose  ideas  of  morality  are  varied  or 
are  different  for  conditions  and  sex;  one  whose 
respect  for  you  is  so  little  that  he  becomes  over- 
familiar;  one  of  moods  and  tempers;  one  who 
boasts  and  yet  fritters  away  time;  one  who  sneers 
at  homely  virtues;  one  who  snarls  at  the  waiter; 
one  who  growls  at  the  street-car  conductor;  one 
who  strives  for  personal  effect  in  appearance  or 
manners ;  one  who  laughs  most  at  his  own  wit ;  one 
who  indulges  in  and  interprets  double  meanings  in 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  159 

conduct  and  talk ;  one  who  likes  to  kick  a  sheep ; 
one  who  is  usually  amused  at  mishaps  and  who 
laughs  at  deformities. 

"Moreover,  avoid  one  who  sulks,  who  usually 
doubts,  who  makes  habitual  display  of  superior  wis 
dom,  who  frequently  busies  himself  with  how 
women  should  wear  their  hair;  who  are  inconsist 
ent  and  unjust  in  their  demeanor,  and  who  are  in 
considerate  of  the  feelings  and  comfort  of  others." 

Here  he  was  interrupted  by  some  men  coming  up 
and  taking  surrounding  chairs.  They  soon  drifted 
into  animated  conversation  over  the  various  won 
ders  of  the  world  and  its  inhabitants. 

"Arabia,"  said  one.  "Why  man,  you  don't  know 
what  you  are  talking  about  when  you  call  that  a 
comfortable  place." 

"I  said  a  comfortable  place  for  Arabs,"  reas 
serted  the  first  speaker. 

"It's  not  comfortable  even  for  lizards,"  continued 
the  objector,  lazily  lighting  a  cigar.  "In  fact  it  is 
so  hot  there,  that  it  is  no  uncommon  thing  for 
travellers  to  cook  their  meals  on  the  sand.  Besides 
that,  lightning  strikes  with  fearful  force  and  fre 
quency.  I  was  dining  one  day  with  an  Arab  chief, 
under  an  awning  on  a  kind  of  porch.  He  had  two 
favorite  wives  on  each  side  of  him  and  I  sat  facing 
them.  The  waiter  had  just  filled  our  glasses  when 
a  stroke  of  lightning  fell  out  of  a  clear  sky.  I  very 


160  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

naturally  closed  my  eyes,  and,  when  I  opened  them 
I  saw  that  one  of  the  women  was  missing. 

"  'Sweep  up  the  ashes,'  I  heard  the  chief  say. 

"And  there,  sure  enough,  upon  the  floor  was 
merely  a  little  pile  of  ashes  where  the  woman  and 
chair  had  been.  The  waiter  whisked  them  off  in 
the  sand. 

"  Till  the  glasses.' 

"I  looked  and  sure  enough  the  lightning  had 
licked  up  every  drop  of  the  liquor." 

"There  are  indeed  strange  things  in  this  world," 
said  a  sanctimonious  looking  man,  who  until  now 
had  said  nothing.  "  I  spent  one  autumn  in  Paraguay 
where  the  fireflies  are  so  luminous  that  the  ladies 
wear  them  in  tiny  little  gauze  cages  of  nights  to 
see  by." 

"That's  nothing,"  replied  another  man.  If  you 
had  been  further  down  in  Patagonia  as  I  was  you 
would  have  seen  them  so  luminous  that  travellers 
use  them  as  camp  fires  to  cook  their  meals.  They 
just  hang  pots  on  the  animals'  knees  and  boil  po 
tatoes." 

"That  may  do  for  a  bug-house  story  but  the  worst 
I  ever  saw  were  the  mosquitoes  down  on  the  gulf 
of  lower  California,"  said  another.  "When  I  came 
back  to  my  home  up  in  New  Mexico  and  told  of 
the  size  of  those  creatures  I  was  laughed  at.  But 
one  day  a  likely  young  Mexican  came  to  our  ranch, 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


162  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

and,  as  we  were  in  need  of  men,  we  hired  him.  He 
soon  became  very  homesick,  but  one  day  he  came  in 
overjoyed  and  said  that  he  had  met  an  old  enemy 
from  his  country.  He  was  so  pleased  that  he  wanted 
us  to  walk  up-  the  hill  and  see  the  old  fellow.  To  sat 
isfy  him  we  did  so,  and  not  far  away  he  pointed  out 
a  long,  lean,  hungry  sand  hill  crane. 

"  'Him  mosquito  follow  me  here/  he  said  clasp 
ing  his  hands  in  admiration. 

"We  didn't  have  the  heart  to  correct  his  error  and 
we  left  him  there  paying  homage  to  his  old  enemy 
from  the  Californian  gulf.  From  that  time  on  my 
friends  had  to  believe  what  I  said." 

"That's  no  worse  than  the  nigger  we  had  in  Ken 
tucky  who  ran  away  from  the  yellow  fever,"  said 
another  man.  "He  was  chopping  cord  wood  one 
day  in  a  clearing  when  a  wild  turkey  gobbler  flew 
up  on  the  fence  near  him.  With  a  yell  he  dropped 
his  axe  and  ran  over  to  where  we  were  shearing 
some  sheep. 

"  'Look  at  the  skeeter,'  he  cried,  pointing  out  the 
black  object  on  the  fence.  'Right  hyar  arter  me  all 
the  way  from  Baton  Rouge/ 

"One  of  our  men  grabbed  a  gun  and  started  for 
the  turkey. 

"  'Fo'  the  Lawd,'  exclaimed  the  horrified  darkey. 
*You  kotch  dat  animel  an'  eat  him  all  full  of  nig 
gers'  blood!  We  crack  hees  bones  and  eat  the 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  163 

marry,  but,  O  Lordy,  not  eat  de  meat.     Dat's  can 
nibal/  " 

"Mosquitoes  are  pretty  numerous  on  the  Ama 
zon,"  said  another  traveller.  "We  used  to  leave  our 
boats  and  do  like  the  natives,  climb  trees.  The 
branches  are  so  thick  that  the  pesky  insects  tear  off 
their  wings  trying  to  get  through." 

"Speaking  of  trees,"  said  another  traveller,  "re 
minds  me  of  when  I  was  in  Mozambique.  A  species 
of  Catalpha  grows  there  so  fast  that  if  you  stick  a 
forked  limb  of  it  in  the  ground  and  get  astride  of  it 
you  can  ride  up  and  pull  cocoanuts  from  otherwise 
inaccessible  branches." 

"That  is  not  as  wonderful  as  our  California  red 
woods,"  exclaimed  a  Westerner.  "I've  seen  them 
so  tall  that  it  took  two  men  and  a  boy  to  see  to  the 
top,  each  one  beginning  where  the  other  left  off. 
Even  then  they  have  to  look  till  they  are  tired." 

"That  man's  tale  about  catalphas  is  nowhere  by 
the  side  of  our  pumpkin  vines,"  said  an  envious  man 
from  Dakota.  "I've  often  planted  a  seed  afore 
breakfast  and  after  eaten'  rid  out  to  work  on  the 
vine." 

"I've  heard  of  your  rich  farms  out  in  Dakota," 
said  a  man  from  New  Hampshire,  "but  your  pump 
kin  seed  wouldn't  do  that  on  my  farm.  I've  got 
one  forty  lot  so  poor  you  couldn't  raise  an  umbrella 
on  it." 


164  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"It's  because  your  farms  are  so  small,"  replied 
the  man  from  Dakota.  "Ours  are  so  big  that  young 
married  couples  sometimes  go  across  the  field  to 
milk  the  cows  and  their  grandchildren  bring  back 
the  milk." 

"We  could  have  things  down  in  Arkansaw  just 
as  exciting  as  that,"  said  a  man  from  Little  Rock, 
"if  the  people  hadn't  got  so  lazy  since  the  war. 
Why,  I  have  men  working  for  me  who  are  so  lazy 
that  they  won't  shake  when  they  have  a  chill.  That's 
why  the  side  lines  on  the  railroads  are  so  slow.  I 
know  one  where  the  cows  get  in  front  of  the  engines 
on  purpose  to  have  the  flies  knocked  off  of  them." 

"That's  nothing  to  the  railroads  down  in  the 
Argentine  Republic,"  said  a  traveller  who  had  just 
joined  the  crowd.  "The  trains  are  so  slow  that  if 
you  miss  one  at  your  station  you  can  walk  on  around 
and  meet  it  at  the  next  station.  But  their  horses 
are  immense.  They  beat  Kentucky  thoroughbreds. 
They  prefer  to  send  dispatches  by  riders  instead  of 
putting  up  telephones  or  telegraphs.  Even  the 
wireless  couldn't  beat  some  of  them  racers  I  was 
on  one  once  just  for  an  experiment.  I  made  a  big 
bet  that  I  could  outrun  the  fast  express  engine  at 
boiler  bursting  speed  for  twelve  miles.  Well,  say, 
the  milestones  looked  like  headstones  in  a  cemetery 
and  the  telegraph  posts  looked  like  the  teeth  in  a  fine 
comb.  When  we  came  to  the  place  where  we  should 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  165 

stop,  I  yelled  'Woah,'  and  was  nearly  knocked  off 
of  my  seat  by  the  word  hitting  me  in  the  chest.  I 
couldn't  throw  it  forward  further  than  the  dash 
board,  and  it  came  back  like  a  rock,  we  were  going 
so  fast.  It  was  lucky  I  had  the  lines  in  my  hand. 
Of  course  the  rains  there  make  the  country  danger 
ous  for  strangers.  The  waterfall  is  so  sudden  that 
a  person  is  drowned  unless  he  knows  enough  to 
hold  his  nose  and  keep  his  mouth  shut  while  it's  com 
ing.  But  it's  worse  danger  for  an  unsuspecting 
stranger  to  meet  one  of  their  windstorms.  Profes 
sional  turners  make  a  good  living  returning  persons 
who  have  opened  their  mouth  in  wonder  at  the  wind 
and  were  at  once  turned  inside  out.  The  only  rea 
son  I  don't  like  to  live  there  is  that  the  women  make 
everything  so  cheap.  They  sell  big  oranges  at  five 
cents  a  dozen.  But  they  are  so  modest  that  they 
refuse  to  go  to  school  because  they  have  a  book 
there  that  contains  improper  fractions.  The  rich 
are  quite  wealthy  but  they  get  it  by  being  stingy. 
Skinning  a  flea  for  its  hide  and  tallow  is  not  a 
comparison.  They  all  sit  in  the  back  pews  at  church 
so  they  can  have  as  much  "longer  as  it  takes  the  con 
tribution  collector  to  reach  them,  the  interest  on  the 
cent  they  put  in  the  hat.  One  man  was  so  pious  that 
in  prayer  he  clasped  his  hands  so  tight  he  couldn't 
get  them  open  till  after  the  collector  had  passed. 
Why  a  neighbor  of  mine  always  set  his  watch  slow 


166 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


so  it  wouldn't  wear  out  so  fast.  Speaking  of  lazy 
people,  I  knew  a  man  so  consistent  that  he  quit 
drinking  water  because  he  saw  a  sign  on  a  water- 
tower  that  read :  'Argentina  Water  Works.'  I  saw 


Improper  Fraction* 

Everybody  rose  up  and  interrupted  him. 

"My  heavens,"  said  one,  "who  are  you  and  what 
lis  your  profession?" 

His  sombre  face  lighted  with  a  smile. 

"O,  I  talk  to  myself  on  the  vaudeville  for  a  living. 
Come  over  and  hear  me  tonight  at  the " 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  167 

But  all  had  fled  excepting  Untie  Jeremiah  and 
Helena,  whose  tiredness  had  become  so  much  more 
tired  that  they  couldn't  move. 

The  talker  turned  to  the  little  girl. 

"Did  you  like  the  stories,  little  one?"  he  asked. 

"No,"  she  answered. 

"Why?" 

Because  I  have  a  better  one  and  I  kept  thinking 
of  that  all  the  time  so  I  didn't  hear  any  of  the 
others. 

"What  is  it?" 

"O,  it's  about  my  dog,  Billy." 

"What  about  him?" 

"He  can  jump  higher  than  a  tree." 

"Really.  Why  he  would  make  your  fortune  on 
the  stage." 

"Would  you  help  me?" 

"I  would  be  happy  to  but  what  could  I  do?" 

"I'd  make  Billy  jump  and  you  could  make  the 
tree  jump." 

Then  the  talker  fled. 


CHAPTER  XL 

RURAL    ESTIMATES    IN    OIL    AND    STONE. 

Uncle  Jeremiah  had  upon  himself  the  burden  of 
planning  the  daily  excursions  through  the  fair,  and 
he  concluded  that  by  this  time  the  different  members 
were  well  enough  informed  to  seek  their  own  recre 
ations  and  educational  benefit. 

"To-day,"  said  he,  "we  will  start  in  at  the  Fine 
Arts  building  and  after  that  we  will  all  scatter  and 
look  out  every  one  for  himself  as  for  each  one's 
desires.  You  can  look  as  long  as  you  want  to  and 
at  whatever  you  enjoy  most.  Every  evening  as  near 
as  we  can,  we  will  gather,  whoever  wants  to,  in  the 
northeast  corner  of  the  Manufactures  building  to 
go  home  together." 

Accordingly  the  next  morning,  they  entered  the 
Palace  de  Beaux  Arts  at  the  Belgium  exhibit. 

"Some  of  these  things  are  exquisitely  beautiful  to 
me  at  the  first  glance,"  said  Uncle  Jeremiah,  "but 
I  must  say  that  there  are  others  which,  one  must 
learn  to  like  by  repeated  effort  as  one  does  olives, 
Limburger  and  wine." 

"Ach,  seech  tings,  so  many,"  was  the  first  com 
ment  of  August,  as  they  came  in..  "Shust  a  lot  of 
peektures." 

168 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  169 

"But  aren't  they .  wonderful  and  sublime?"  re 
plied  Matlida. 

"Ach,  no,  shust  cheep,  dirt  cheep.  They  give  seech 
things  avay  mit  the  newspapers  for  noddings.  I 
haf  a  hundred  not  so  big  but  shust  the  same.  Cost 
me  noddings.  I  vant  to  see  somedings  vat  cost 
money." 

"Be  patient,"  said  Uncle  Jeremiah  and  we  will  get 
you  around  to  such  things  next,  but  really  I  some 
times  feel  like  August  when  I  look  at  some  of  these 
pictures.  What  after  all  is  the  detail  and  art  and 
canvas  worth.  It  is  the  idea  that  counts  and  those 
that  are  but  colored  photographs  are  nothing  by  the 
side  of  the  scene  in  nature  made  by  the  infinitely 
superior  hand  of  God. 

.  "See  this  one  of  Daniel  in  the  Lion's  Den.  There 
is  the  idea  of  the  loving  mercy  and  sustaining  jus 
tice  of  an  Almighty  Protector.  You  don't  have  to 
turn  to  any  catalogue  to  know  what  it  means.  Look 
at  the  faithful  trusting  man  standing  fearlessly  erect 
before  the  crouching  baffled  beasts.  Every  one  be 
fore  this  picture  feels  the  presence  of  an  inspiration 
for  nobler  life." 

"Ach,  look  at  the  women  learnin'  to  swim,"  in 
terrupted  August.  "They  wallow  'round  on  the 
rocks  as  if  they  had  skins  like  oxes  and  healt'  like 
a  bull  dog." 

"Look  at  this  one  called  the  Triumph  of  Faith," 


170  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

continued  Uncle  Jeremiah.  "A  woman  is  lying  on 
straw  in  her  cell  asleep.  Through  the  iron  bars  we 
can  see  lions  gnashing  their  teeth  in  anticipation  of 
this  martyr  of  faith  being  thrown  to  them  in  the 
morning.  But  she  sleeps  in  the  peace  that  passeth 
understanding.  This  appeals  not  at  all  to  the  senses 
but  to  the  soul,  and  that  to  me  is  the  only  value  in 
art." 

"Ach  nahrheit,"  cried  August,  pointing  to  a  farm 
scene  in  which  was  a  flock  of  sheep.  "Look  at  the 
leetle  lamb  rubbing  its  nose  against  the  ram  like  a 
kitten.  •  Hoo!  Hoo!  that  painter  know  noddings 
'bout  lambs,  noddings  'bout  rams." 

"Soul  art  has  put  deep  thought  even  into  this 
picture  of  the  lioness  nourishing  her  cubs,"  continued 
Uncle  Jeremiah.  "Look  at  her  fierce  motherly  joy. 
It  takes  away  our  fear  and  gives  us  a  sentiment  of 
admiration.  She  has  the  responsibility  of  their  lives 
and  is  raised  into  the  fine  nobility  our  sentiment 
gives  to  parentage." 

Something  in  an  obscure  landscape  scene  caught 
Nora's  attention. 

"Matilda,  come  here,"  she  said;  "phat  may  this 
be?" 

Matilda  looked  at  her  catalogue. 

"This,"  said  she,  "is  named  'A  Grey  Day.'  " 

"O,  I  know,"  replied  Nora,  delighted,  "this  is  the 
ould  home  place  oov  father  O'Grady  back  in  ould 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  171 

Ireland.  I  must  tell  Pat  to  come  here  and  take  a 
look  at  it." 

"Who  painted  that  picture?"  asked  an  old  lady, 
pointing  to  a  reproduction  of  one  of  Rosa  Bonheur's 
masterpieces. 

A  young  man,  who  was  probably  her  son,  looked 
into  his  catalogue  and  replied  that  the  painter  was 
Rosa  Bonheur. 

"I  suppose  he  was  Eyetalian,"  she  replied.  "So 
many  of  the  men  dagos  have  women's  names.  Quite 
likely  he  was  one  of  the  old  masters." 

"No,"  returned  the  young  man,  "this  painter  was 
a  woman." 

"O,  it's  all  the  same,"  said  the  old  woman,  "only 
I  should  not  have  said  she  was  one  of  the  old  masters 
but  one  of  the  old  missuses." 

Uncle  Jeremiah  and  August  walked  on  to  a 
special  pavilion  display  of  paintings  and  statuary 
where  Nora  stood  looking  at  objects  with  more  ad 
miration  than  she  had  displayed  elsewhere. 

"Sure  the  boss  ov  this  place  is  Irish,"  said  Nora. 

"How  do  you  make  that  out?"  inquired  Uncle 
Jeremiah. 

"Look  at  the  sign/ 

NOTICE. 

"PERSONS    WISHING    TO    SMOKE    IN    HERE    MUST 

EITHER  PUT  OUT  THEIR  PIPES  OR  GO  OUT 

THEMSELVES. 


172  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

Uncle  Jeremiah's  attention  was  attracted  by  a 
group  of  statuary  representing  the  death  scene  of 
Alexander  the  Great. 

"Come  here,  Ethelbert,"  he  called.  "You  are, 
I  suppose,  a  Latin  scholar.  Can  you  translate  that 
inscription  for  me?" 

Ethelbert  knitted  his  brows  and  read,  "Sic  transit 
gloria  mundi."  (Thus  passes  the  glory  of  earth.) 

Ethelbert  felt  that  both  his  scholarship  and  his 
pride  were  at  stake.  He  must  answer  and  he  could 
not  hesitate  long. 

"Well,  Uncle,"  he  stammered,  "that  is  a  very 
ancient  inscription,  and  from  the  best  I  can  make 
out  this  gentleman  was  traveling  somewhere  when 
he  suddenly  died.  So,  they  marked  his  grave  thus, 
'He  was  sick  in  transit  and  went  to  glory  on  Mon 
day.'  " 

They  were  all  satisfied  and  Nora  felt  called  upon 
to  make  some  remark  in  artistic  appreciation. 

"I  must  say  that  I  loik  the  stoile  of  these  statures. 
I  can't  see  any  where  upon  them  a  single  ounce  of 
superstitious  flesh." 

While  they  were  looking  at  a  picture  wherein 
the  Roman  pagans  were  throwing  Christians  to 
lions,  Helena  seemed  to  have  special  interest  in  a 
hungry-looking  little  fellow,  a  half-grown  cub,  who 
was  standing  eagerly  back  of  the  ferocious  monsters 
who  were  slaying  the  martyrs,  as  if  he  feared  to 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


173 


come  forward  where  there  was  so  much  savagery 
over  blood. 

"What  are  you  thinking  about,  little  girl?"  Uncle 
Jeremiah  inquired. 


"  Was  Sick  in  Transit." 

"Just  look  at  that  little  baby  lion,"  she  replied 
impulsively.  "He  looks  so  very  hungry  and  the 
mean  old  lions  won't  let  him  have  any." 

This  might  have  been  classed  as  the  inherent  bar- 


174  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

barism  of  childhood  if  its  analogous  parallel  had  not 
taken  place  a  few  minutes  later. 

She  was  presently  found  sitting  with  her  arms 
around  the  neck  of  a  cherub  that  had  been  set  out 
of  the  way  as  if  not  properly  belonging  in  the 
exhibit. 

"What  are  you  sitting  there  so  long  for?"  in 
quired  Uncle  Jeremiah. 

"  'Cause,"  she  replied,  "no  one  pays  any  'tention 
to  this  little  baby  and  it  seems  so  cold  and  lonesome." 

"You  hear  that  squalling  baby  over  there  giving 
its  mother  so  much  trouble,"  said  Uncle  Jeremiah. 
"Don't  you  think  this  smiling  cherub  is  more  happy 
than  that  crying  baby  is?" 

"That  is  so,"  said  Helena,  satisfied  to  leave  the 
stone  baby.  "That  for-real  baby  does  seem  to  look 
awfully  on  the  dark  side  of  things." 

August  meanwhile  had  found  a  picture  that  in 
terested  him.  I.t  was  a  fine  large  reproduction  of 
Millais'  superb  painting,  the  Angelus.  He  was  so 
absorbed  in  contemplation  before  it  that  Uncle 
Jeremiah  was  sure  it  had  touched  his  soul  with  deep 
thought. 

"What  do  you  think  of  it,  August?"  he  said,  com 
ing  up  behind  him. 

"Looks  like  a  mighty  poor  potato  crop,"  he  re 
plied.  "But,  'cording  to  their  looks,  they  don't 
know  enough  to  raise  potatoes  anyhow." 


.AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  175 

"Let's  go  over  to  the  Agricultural  building,"  said 
Nora,  "where  we  can  see  something  really  fine. 
They  say  that  over  there  is  a  grand  painting  of  a 
whole  farm  made  out  of  beans  and  corn.  A  woman 
told  me  she  measured  it  and  it  is  twenty-nine  hand 
bags  long!" 

Squint  had  been  observing  things  also,  and  he  no 
ticed  one  thing  that  set  him  to  thinking. 

"I  always  thought  that  ginrals  were  brave  men 
and  fighters,"  said  Squint,  "but  according  to  their 
pictures  they  are  not  either." 

"What  makes  you  think  that?"  inquired  Uncle 
Jeremiah,  considerably  puzzled. 

"Didn't  you  observe  them  ginrals  in  all  the  pic 
tures.  Not  one  of  them  was  fighting.  They  were 
all  on  horses,  so  far  away  they  had  to  look  through 
their  spy  glasses  to  see  the  soldiers  doing  the  shoot 
ing." 

It  was  near  noon  and  they  came  out  of  the  build 
ing  to  seek  a  restaurant.  The  sky  was  dark  and 
it  looked  much  like  rain.  However,  they  went  on 
out,  but  soon  the  falling  drops  drove  them  under 
a  shed  which  had  been  used  to  cover  building  ma 
terial  and  had  not  yet  been  removed. 

"Looks  like  rain,"  said  a  city  masher  to  Nora. 

"Of  coorse  it  doos,"  she  replied.  "You  same  to 
think  this  wetness  may  be  coffee  or  tay." 


176  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

The  young  man  straightway  found  a  post  on  the 
other  side  to  lean  against. 

The  shed  proved  to  be  far  from  waterproof,  and 
a  leak  above  them  allowed  a  considerable  pool  to 
form  at  their  feet. 

"A  little  more  of  this,"  said  Ethelbert,  "and  we 
will  have  a  pond  on  the  floor  that  will  drive  us  out 
of  the  shed." 

"What  more  could  you  expect?"  asked  Nora, 
"when  we  have  such  a  big  lake  in  the  roof?" 

The  rain  ceased  suddenly  and  the  sun  shone  out 
into  steaming  heat. 

"Rather  hot  weather,"  ventured  a  man  who  was 
walking  near  August  on  the  way  toward  the  res 
taurant. 

"Hot,  hot,  hot!"  exclaimed  August,  wiping  the 
perspiration  from  his  brow.  "If  it  gets  mooch  hot 
ter,  I'll  wish  I  was  dead  and  packed  in  an  ice-house." 

"Listen  at  the  clown,"  said  Nora.  "It's  loike 
him.  The  minute  he  feels  hot  it  scares  him.  Even 
whin  he's  dead  he  wants  to  be  hurried  in  a  cool  place 
where  he  can  take  his  aise  all  the  rist  of  his  loife." 

The  restaurant  they  found  was  not  altogether 
promising,  but  they  were  getting  used  to  such  things 
and  in  a  few7  minutes  were  seated  together  by  the 
attentive  waiter. 

"I  think  I  would  really  like  to  try  some  eysters," 
said  Nora. 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  177 

"The  only  shell  fish  we  have  left,"  replied  the 
waiter,  "is  eggs,  and  the  good  ones  are  no  more." 

"Would  you  look  at  that,"  said  Nora.  "He 
thinks  we  don't  know  ducks  from  thadpoles,  and 
I  want  eggs  bad.  I  really  want  them  very  bad." 

All  right,  Miss,"  he  replied.  "But  I  will  have 
to  serve  them  privately  for  the  other  guests  object 
to  being  near  one  who  is  eating  bad  eggs." 

"That's  a  great  man,  that  waiter  is,"  said  Ethel- 
bert,  as  the  voluble  fellow  went  into  the  kitchen. 

August  was  thoughtful. 

"He  may  of  graduated  at  Heidleberg,"  said  he 
scornfully,  "but  I'll  betche  couldn't -drive  on  foot  for 
five  miles  as  I  did  forty  head  of  pigs,  sheep  and 
calves,  and  not  lose  a  single  one." 

That  feat  was  a  standard  of  comparison  as  con 
clusive  of  August's  superiority  over  common  mortals 
as  the  squirrel's  assertion  to'  the  mountain  that  it 
could  not  crack  a  nut.  Ever  since  that  time,  he  had 
objected  to  hearing  another  spoken  of  in  his  presence 
as  a  great  man. 

In  the  afternoon,  they  completed  their  tour  of  the 
pictures  and  for  a  time  found  considerable  interest 
in  the  statues.  Nora  began  to  believe  that  she  had 
an  inkling  of  art. 

"Come  here,"  she  cried,  "an'  see  this  costly  stat 
ure." 

All  went  over  to  see  what  she  had  found  and 


178  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

saw  her  sniffing  over  a  plaster  cast  bust  of  a  ring- 
eared  Arab  painted  in  green  bronze. 

"Why  do  you  think  that  is  so  costly?"  inquired 
Ethelbert. 

"Smell  of  it,  smell  of  it,  that's  why." 

All  sniffed  together. 

"Ye  can  niver  fergit  the  smell." 

"Smells  to  me  like  green»paint,"  said  Matilda. 

"Didn't  the  guard  tell  me,"  insisted  Nora,  in 
censed  at  their  incredulity,  "that  ye  could  niver  fer 
git  the  smell  of  a  costly  stature? 

No  one  disputed  her. 

"I  asked  the  guard  how  to  tell  the  costly  statures 
from  the  imertations  and  he  said  'smell  of  thim,' 
says  he,  'ye  can  niver  fergit  the  smell,'  an'  he  showed 
me  wan  to  smell  of,  an'  I  can  niver  fergit  it.  I  can 
not.  It  smelt  like  this  and  this  is  costly,  very 
costly." 

"Huh!"  exclaimed  Ethelbert.  "Get  some  of  this 
paint  rubbed  off  on  your  nose  and  every  one  will 
be  just  as  costly,  even  August." 

Nora  flirted  away  disgusted  at  the  lack  of  appre 
ciation  for  her  method  of  distinguishing  high  art, 
resolved  to  let  them  henceforth  die  in  their  ignor 
ance. 

"Who  is  that  statue?"  asked  Ethelbert,  looking 
at  a  marble  group  around  which  was  a  large  number 
of  persons  continually  gathered,  and  from  which 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  179 

some  went  away  with  many  evidences  of  deep  emo 
tion.  Matilda  and  Helena  had  already  been  there 
and  Matilda  had  told  her  its  meaning.  There  was 
a  woman  kneeling  as  in  deep  humiliation  and  con- 


"  Smell  of  It." 

trition.  Over  her  a  man  of  reverent  countenance 
and  mien  was  holding  his  hand  as  in  admonition 
and  blessing. 

Matilda  looked  at  Ethelbert  in  pained  surprise  at 
his  ignorant  questioning. 


180  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"I  know,"  said  Helena  in  awe-inspired  tones, 
"it  is  the  one  who  said,  'Suffer  little  children  to  come 
unto  me/  and  he  is  saying  to  the  woman,  'Go  sin 
no  more.' ' 

"An'  what's  that  name  written  on  the  card  atween 
ithe  fate  of  that  statoo,"  inquired  Nora. 

Helena  spelled  the  word  "k-i-s-m-e-t." 

"That  is  a  Mohammedan  word,"  said  Matilda. 
"It  is  pronounced  kis-met  and  means  fate." 

"The  beggars!"  exclaimed  Nora.  "They  think 
we've  not  sinse  enough  to  know  what  the  statoos 
put  on  the  ground  whin  they  walk.  But  it's  really 
a  pain  to  know  so  mooch  in  one  day,  for  I've  walked 
so  much  that  my  kismet  is  aching  to  the  bone." 

Meanwhile  Helena  had  developed  a  bad  case  of 
hiccoughs  from  some  dry  macaroons  she  was  eat 
ing.  Nora  hurried  her  to  a  near-by  faucet  and  gave 
her  a  cup  of  water. 

"There  now,"  she  said,  "swallow  nine  gulps  of 
water  and  don't  you  get  your  breath  till  the  last 
wan." 

Uncle  Jeremiah  laughed. 

"Why  girl,  you  might  as  well  give  her  the  Au 
rora  borealis." 

"Sure,"  replied  Nora,  "and  that  is  what  I'll  be 
giving  her  nixt  if  this  don't  sthop  it." 

Ethelbert  found  a  statue  that  interested  him  very 
much  and  he  called  his  friends  over  to  see  it. 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  181 

"The  statue  of  Opportunity,"  said  Matilda.  "That 
is  a  queer  title  and  here  is  a  supposed  conversation 
with  it  printed  so  all  can  understand."  She  read: 

"What  is  thy  name,  O  Statue?" 

"I  am  called  Opportunity." 

"Who  made  thee?" 

• 

"Lysippus." 

"Why  art  thou  on  thy  toes?" 

"To  show  that  I  stay  but  a  moment." 

"Why  hast  thou  wings  on  thy  feet?" 

"To  show  how  quickly  I  pass  by." 

"Why  is  thy  hair  so  long  on  thy  forehead?" 

"That  I  may  be  seized  and  held." 

"Why  so  bald  behind?" 

"To  show  that  when  I  have  once  passed  I  can  not 
be  caught." 

"Huh!"  exclaimed  Squint,  "I've  heard  of 
statoos  talking  but  I  don't  believe  it.  I'm  getting 
awful  tired  of  this  truck.  I  guess  I'll  go  over  to  the 
Pike  and  wait  for  you  at  the -gates." 

The  Palace  of  Beaux  Arts  then  lost  a  visitor  who 
never  came  back. 

In  the  course  of  their  walk  through  the  number 
less  art  rooms,  Uncle  Jeremiah  got  into  conversa 
tion  with  a  countryman  much  like  himself. 

"I  don't  see  any  sense  in  these  things,"  said  the 
countryman.  "If  they  want  to  show  their  skill  why 
don't  they  try  it  on  something  oncommon.  Figures 


182  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

of  men  and  women  made  by  nature  are  so  much  bet 
ter  every  way  and  are  more  plentiful." 

"I  wonder  myself,"  replied  Uncle  Jeremiah, 
"why  people  throng  here  to  admire  these  marbles 
when  it  would  be  more  useful  and  less  work  to  put 
the  stone  in  the  corner  of  a  house,  make  a  doorstep 
of  it  or  a  tombstone.  I  suppose  if  these  statues 
could  only  dance,  they  would  be  barred  out  of  civil 
ization  as  unspeakable,  and  yet  some  folks  think 
dancing  is  a  fine  accomplishment.  Purity  may  be 
a  quality  of  the  mind  that  can  not  be  disturbed  by 
such  indecencies,  but  that  state  belongs  only  to  the 
angels." 

"Did  you  notice  how  the  atmosphere  changes," 
said  the  sympathizing  stranger,  "as  you  pass  from 
the  art  section  of  French,  Belgians,  and  Italians,  to 
the  art  section  of  the  Germans,  Hollanders  and 
English?  One  runs  to  nudity,  the  other  is  com 
posed  entirely  of  scenes  of  family,  fields  and  homes. 
Art  and  character  are  close  together." 

"Ah!"  said  Nora  to  Matilda,  as  she  turned  from 
one  nude  statue  only  to  be  confronted  by  another. 
"These  pore  oncivilized  haythen  is  only  stone  or  they 
would  perish  with  shame  if  they  couldn't  hide  away. 
I  wur  not  brung  up  to  sich  sights.  Even  the  childer 
at  home  is  more  dacent." 

Coming  to  a  partially  covered  figure,  Matilda  was 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  183 

about  to  peer  behind  the  cloth,  when  Nora  pulled  her 
hastily  to  one  side. 

"Don't  look,"  she  cried.  "If  it  is  bad  'nough  for 
the  people  who  show  sich  things  fer  to  be  kivered 
up  by  them  it  must  be  simply  awful." 

Matilda  agreed  with  her  and  walked  on. 

"That  stature  is  no  good,"  declared  Helena  to 
Ethelbert,  as  they  stood  before  a  female  figure  with 
ore  hand  to  her  head  as  if  coiling  her  hair. 

"What's  the  matter  with  it?"  inquired  Ethelbert. 
"The  catalogue  says  it  was  made  by  one  of  the  great 
masters." 

"Well,  he  didn't  know  women  then,"  declared 
the  young  art  critic.  "She  isn't  natural,  for  she 
hasn't  got  her  mouth  full  of  hair  pins." 


184 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


TShe  Isn't  Natural." 


CHAPTER  XII. 

GLIMPSES   OF   STUMPBURGIAN    EPISODES. 

August  was  satiated  with  art  and  he  insisted  on' 
spending  the  day  at  the  Agriculture  and  Horticul 
ture  buildings.  Uncle  Jeremiah,  not  desiring  to 
go  till  later,  gave  Nora  the  required  fares  and  agreed 
to  meet  them  near  noon  at  a  given  place  in  the 
grounds. 

Nora  led  the  way  with  August  and  the  other  four 
close  at  her  heels.  As  they  arrived  at  the  ticket 
booth  near  the  turnstiles,  her  companions,  unknown 
to  Nora,  stopped  a  moment  just  around  the  corner 
to  admire  a  dancing  monkey.  Some  Turks  fantas 
tically  equipped  in  all  their  native  toggery  passed  by 
ahead  of  them,  and  drew  up  in  line  with  Nora. 

"I  want  tickets  for  me  and  my  friends/'  said 
Nora,  laying  down  the  required  amount,  with  feel 
ings  of  considerable  importance  at  her  responsibility, 
and  waving  her  hand  backward  toward  the  supposed 
friends. 

"Your  friends!"  exclaimed  the  ticket  agent  with 
such  a  broad  grin  that  Nora  looked  around  and  be 
held  the  Turks  crowded  up  close  to  her. 

"Seven  friends,"  he  said,  counting  them. 

Nora  gave  a  shriek. 

185 


186 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


"Go  'way  ye  horrid  hay  then!"  she  cried. 
Just  then  her  companions  approached. 


Tickets  for  Me  and  My  Friends' 


"There  sir !  you  wicked  spalpeen !"  she  exclaimed 
"Don't  you  see  them?  Do  you  think  I'm  a  haythcr. 
Toork?" 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  1»7 

The  agent  apologized  and  admitted  that  on  closer 
examination  he  could  see  no  resemblance. 

The  Stumpburg  sight-seers  went  straight  from 
Administration  entrance  along  University  Boulevard 
to  the  Agriculture  building.  The  magnitude  of 
the  place  overwhelmed  them. 

"Howly  saints,  what  a  'normous  place,"  Nora 
exclaimed.  "Now  let's  each  one  take  dow,n  a  lane 
apiece  and  we  can  see  the  whole  shebang  at  one 
walk." 

Matilda  protested  against  hurrying  forward  on 
such  a  'normous  task. 

"  I  want  to  rest  a  while  first.  I  somehow  couldn't 
sleep  last  night.  I'm  sure  my  eyes  never  went  to 
gether  the  whole  night." 

"They  couldn't,"  interposed  Helena,  "  'cause  you 
went  to  bed  with  your  nose  between  them." 

"No  matter  what's  the  matter,"  she  replied,  "I 
had  a  dreadful  bad  night  of  it,  and  I  don't  feel  like 
doing  any  hurrying  to-day." 

"O,  well,  Matilda,"  said  Helena,  consolingly,  "it's 
better  to  have  a  bad  night  than  no  night  at  all." 

"O,  do  be  still  a  little  while,  can't  you?"  said 
Squint  reprovingly,  "didn't  you  never  hear  that 
little  children  should  be  sawed  not  spoke?" 

August  had  been  walking  about  with  unusually 
animated  interest. 

"This  is  the  sensible  place  at  last,"  he  exclaimed 


188  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

enthusiastically.  "It  is  the  first  useful  place  I  haf 
come  to.  It  haf  got  loads  of  picture  cards  and  seed 
catalogues,  all  for  noddings." 

"That  is  right,"  replied  Ethelbert.  "Here  is 
where  we  fellows  are  at  home  and  the  city  chaps 
are  out  of  town." 

"Come  here,  all  of  you,"  cried  Squint,  "and  see 
this  dude  in  a  new  style  of  clothes." 

The  Stumpburg  bunch  of  youths  hurried  over  to 
him  as  they  did  at  every  curiosity  call. 

"Here's  a  man  made  out  of  gum  and  dressed  up 
in  new-fangled  iron  clothes.  I  guess  you  only  have 
to  buy  one  suit  in  a  life  time." 

Nora  gazed  intently  at  the  wax  warrior  equipped 
in  ancient  armor. 

"Who  is  he?"  she  inquired,  "an'  wot's  he  trying 
to  show  off?" 

"Ach,  don't  you  know  nodding  alretty?"  replied 
August.  "That  is  a  diver,  wot  walks  along  the  bot 
tom  of  the  sea  and  picks  up  shipwrecks.  I  haf  many 
dimes  see  his  picture.  Don't  he  look  natural?" 

Helena  broke  into  this  learned  discussion.  She 
was  looking  at  a  collection  of  butterflies  fixed  on 
pins  in  a  glass  case.  But  Matilda  was  the  only  one 
she  could  interest. 

"I  suppose,"  said  the  child,  "that  if  they  didn't 
have  wings  and  had  to  go  like  fleas,  we'd  have  to 
call  them  butter- jumpers.  Curious  about  these 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  189 

names.  I  suppose  some  city  person,  visiting  in  the 
country,  saw  these  things  flying  around  the  cows 
and  so  named  them  butterflies.  I  told  a  little  city 
girl  at  the  hotel,  who  liked  butter  and  honey  so  well, 
that  we  had  so  much  more  than  we  could  use  that 
we  sold  some  of  it,  which  might  be  the  very  butter 
and  honey  she  was  eating.  'O  how  nice/  she  said, 
'then  I  suppose  you  keep  a  cow  and  a  bee.'  Ain't 
she  crazy?" 

"Laws,  look  here!"  exclaimed  Nora,  as  she  meas 
ured  herself  by  a  giant  cactus  nearly  twice  her  size, 
"but  they  do  indade  grow  big  cowcumbers  in  this 
house.  But  my,  what  stickers  it  has  on.  We.  could 
feed  a  cow  on  one  of  them  for  a  week  and  then 
make  a  cornfield  harrow  of  the  rind." 

Ethelbert  suddenly  noticed  that  Helena  was 
gathering  quite  an  extensive  collection  of  cards,  cat 
alogues  and  picture  pamphlets  that  were  displayed 
in  profusion  for  advertising  purposes. 

"My  dear  child,"  said  he,  patronizingly,  "why  are 
you  encumbering  yourself  with  all  those  things  ?" 

"I  just  thought,"  she  replied,  "that  I  ought  to  get 
something  for  my  children  to  remember  the  fair." 

"So?"  he  replied,  somewhat  puzzled,  "but  suppose 
that  you  should  never  have  any  children." 

"Well  then,"  she  asserted  very  positively,  "I 
guess  I  can  keep  them  for  my  grandchildren." 

In  the  course  of  their  walk  down  the  great  aisles, 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  191 

they  were  interrupted  by  the  squeaking  of  a  cart 
coming  by. 

"What  makes  that  thing  groan  so?"  asked  Ma 
tilda. 

"I  know,"  replied  Helena.  "Don't  you  see  it  is 
filled  with  green  apples." 

"My  dear  child,"  said  Ethelbert  as  in  paternal 
reproof,  since  Uncle  Jeremiah  was  not  present  to 
admonish  her,  "one  of  the  most  important  things 
for  a  person  to  know  and  to  keep  in  mind  is  that 
smartness  is  worth  about  as  much  in  this  life  in 
comparison  with  real  goodness  as  a  hair  of  the  eye 
brow  in  comparison  with  the  eye  over  which  it 
grows.  You  are  such  a  smart  little  girl  now  that  I 
wonder  how  you'll  feel  when  you  grow  up." 

"O,  I  expect  to  feel  strange  for  a  day  or  so,  but 
I'm  not  going  to  let  any  foolishness  make  a  fool  of 
me." 

"Very  well,  then,"  said  he,  "I'll  remember  your 
promise  and  feel  sure  that  smartness  is  a  foolishness 
that  will  never  fool /you  into  thinking  it  is  anything 
but  an  entertaining  joke." 

"Well,  you  do  make  me  smoile,"  returned  Nora. 

"Why?"  he  asked,  incredulously. 

"Because,"  she  answered,  "I  wonder  if  you  are 
not  repaiten  to  the  child  what  you  have  heard,  onless 
you  are  sure  you  make  no  pretense  to  foine  smart 
ness." 


192 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


All  strolled  off  as  curiosity  prompted  excepting 
August  and  Nora,  who  were  more  interested  in  the 
merits  of  things. 

They  were  examining  some  enormous  potatoes  in 
a  corner  of  one  of  the  state  pavilions,  where  there 
was  just  then  no  one  near  but  a  guard  lazily  lean- 


Full  of  Green  Apples." 


kig  against  a  post.  August  walked  away  to  look  at 
some  bundles  of  grass,  when  Nora  was  startled  by 
a  shrill  voice  near  by  that  suddenly  said,  "Hello, 
Polly." 

Nora  looked  angrily  at  the  only  person  present 
who  could  have  spoken  so  familiarly  and  that  was 
the  peaceful-looking  guard. 

"Howdy,  Polly,"  came  the  voice  again. 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


193 


194  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"I'd  have  ye  know,  sir,"  she  exclaimed  angrily 
"that  my  name  is  not  Polly." 

"Ah!  Polly,  Polly!  Good-morning,  Polly,"  was 
immediately  repeated. 

"If  you  must  spake  to  me,  spake  dacent,"  she 
scornfully  replied,  "or  I'll  call  August  and  he'll 
squaze  yer  throat  till  you  get  drunk  on  the  cider 
that  runs  out  of  your  Adam's  apple." 

The  guard  took  no  notice,  as  if  he  had  not  heard 
her,  and  she  turned  indignantly  away. 

"Hello,  Polly,  Nice  Polly,  Pretty  Polly,"  was 
again  heard. 

"Look  yer,"  she  turned  again  to  him,  "a  man  as 
would  talk  so  to  a  loidy  could  go  bathing  out  there 
in  the  lake  by  the  cascade,  and  he  would  wash  off 
and  fade  so  that  I  could  wipe  up  the  whole  thing 
with  a  spoonge  and  niver  know  such  a  crayture  were 
in  it.  I  don't  want  any  of  your  forrad  spache  to 
me." 

At  this  the  guard  walked  up  and  took  a  look  over 
the  irate  young  woman. 

"Glad  of  it,"  he  replied.  "I  can  get  along  with 
out  either  your  speech  or  your  company." 

"It's  I  that  am  glad  of  it,  for  so  can  I,  so  can  I, 
and  I  will  get  along  without  all  sich." 

She  turned  to  walk  indignantly  away  when  there 
arose  from  a  neighboring  cage  such  a  shrieking  and 
caterwauling  followed  by  cries  of  "Hello,  Polly,  Nice 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  19g 

Polly,  Pretty  Polly,"  that  Nora  ran  in  all  haste  to 
August.  » 

"Merciful  hivens!"  she  cried.  "Did  you  ever 
hear  the  loikes  of  that?  It  is  a  burrid  that  can 
spake.  I  thought  it  was  the  man.  Sure,  my  cup 
of  trouble  is  running  over  and  I  feel  in  my  bones 
that  it  is  not  yet  full,  and  that  burrid  wearing  the 
green  of  Ireland.  It's  a  burning  shame  so  it  is, 
the  unnatural  baste !" 

August  blinked  stupidly  and  sat  down  on  a  bench 
to  rest,  while  Nora,  offended  at  his  lack  of  sympathy 
and  appreciation,  busied  herself  elsewhere. 

A  pudgy-looking  man  profusely  perspiring  came 
up  and  took  an  adjoining  seat.  August  looked  at 
him  attentively  for  a  moment  and  then  began  smil 
ing  and  nodding  his  head.  The  man  was  evidently 
in  an  irritable  mood. 

"Sair,"  he  exclaimed,  "you  look  enough  to  know 
me  next  time,  but  now  you  know  me  not." 

The  emphasis  on  the  last  word  was  a  vocal  ex 
plosion. 

"  Ach,  Johnnie,"  he  replied,  "I  know  you  last  time, 
I  know  you  thees  time,  an'  I  know  you  next  time 
Py  chemimy  creeket,  I  know  you  all  the  time,  arid 
I  tink  you  joost  the  same  man  I  long  know  alretty. 
Do  you  know  me  not?" 

August  also  burst  the  not  with  explosive  em 
phasis. 


196 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


AND -HIS  NEIGHBORS  197 

"Sair!"  exclaimed  the  man,  turning  his  back  to 
August,  "eet  ees  de  Americain  impudence.  I  know 
you  not." 

"Well,  I  know  you  and  I  know  soompody  who 
ish  looking  for  you." 

"Sair,  vat  you  mean?"  said  the  man,  turning  his 
head  about  in  great  disgust  for  a  glance  at  his  tor 
mentor,  but  with  a  lengthened  rising  note  that  be 
tokened  curiosity  if  not  alarm. 

"Ain't  you  Johnny  Martin  as  worked  at  Bridge 
port  Mills?" 

"No,  sair,  I  know  you  not." 

"Didn't  you  fiddle  at  my  apple  parin'  hoe-down?" 

"No,  sair,  I  know  you  not." 

"Ach  himmel,  will  you  not  blow  oop  with  that 
not?  If  you  are  not  that  mon,  you  ish  his  dopple 
brodder  and  it  is  shust  alike." 

The  man  arose  and  leaned  upon  one  of  the  statues 
with  his  back  to  August. 

"Didn't  you  borrow  Sam  Salter's  sattle  one  night 
'thout  askin'  ?" 

There  was  no  affswer. 

"Sam  said  eef  I  see  you,  he  care  noddings  for 
the  womans  but  he  like  you  to  send  back  the  sattle." 

The  man  walked  away,  looking  back  once  with 
the  expression  of  one  who  has  bitten  a  green  per 
simmon. 

August  laughed. 


198  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"Veil,  I  geef  Sam's  message  anyvay,  but  I  bet 
feefty  cents  that  man  neffer  send  back  Sam's 
sattle." 

August  hastened  over  to  Nora. 

"I  just  talk  to  Johnny  Martin,"  he  said  in  con 
siderable  excitement,  "and  he  say  he  is  not  and  I 
say  he  is.  Look  at  him.  Is  it  not  so?" 

Nora  looked  at  the  retreating  figure  and  then  at 
August. 

"You  do  be  indade  gone  clean  daft,"  she  replied. 
"Sure  it  is  you  this  time  but  it  is  no  more  himself 
than  it  is  me." 

August  was  now  offended  at  Nora's  lack  of  agree 
ment  and  he  walked  on  vigorously  ahead. 

By  the  time  they  had  walked  down  one  side  of 
the  vast  house,  on  through  the  Horticultural  build 
ing  and  back  along  the  other  side,  it  was  nearing 
noon.  At  the  north  entrance,  they  s<x\v  Uncle  Jere 
miah  waiting  for  them. 

"Well,  what  great  things  have  you  seen?"  he 
asked. 

"A  big  horse  made  out  of  hops,"  said  Nora  as 
the  spokesman.  "A  wild  bear  made  of  black  prunes, 
a  foine  faymale  of  beeswax,  an  Indian  woman  made 
of  tobacky,  and  a  cotton  nigger." 

"Uncle  Jeremiah,"  said  Helena,  "we  are  deadly 
hungry.  We  want  to  eat." 

"So  I  suppose,"  replied  Uncle  Jeremiah.    "There 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


199 


is  a  restaurant  across  the  road  and  we  will  go  over 
and  try  it  before  we  go  elsewhere." 

Footsore  and  weary,  as  the  story  books  say  of  the 
sad-eyed  pilgrim,  Uncle  Jeremiah  and  his  party  went 
on  to  that  place  to  rest  and  refresh  themselves. 


"A  Cotton  Nigger." 

"Let's  not  stay  Mere,"  whispered  Nora.    "Do  ye 
read  them  wurruds?" 

Conspicuously  on  a  post  was  the  warning: 

"LOOK  OUT  FOR  PICKPOCKETS." 

"  Sure,  this  is  their  headquarters,  for  there's  their 
sign." 

Squint  had  taken  a  chair  next  to  -August.   "Mr. 


200  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

Waiter,"  he  said,  "how  long  can  a  person  eat  here 
for  half  a  dollar?" 

"Weel,"  he  answered,  "a  fair  sized  mon  like  yer- 
seel  ought  to  ate  half  a  dollar  in  aboot  teen  minutes." 

"I  know  when  I've  got  enough,"  replied  Squint, 
"but  I  had  to  ask  on  account  of  August,  here.  He's 
liable  to  eat  all  day,  if  there's  no  set  time." 

August  looked  over  the  bill  of  fare.  There  were 
eggs,  blue  points,  deviled  crabs,  milk  and  crackers, 
tomato  puree,  watermelon  and  potatoes  all  kinds  of 
ways,  with  many  other  articles  that  he  had  never 
heard  of. 

"Squint,"  he  whispered,  "do  you  think  we  might 
take  a  blue  pint  between  us  an  not  get  tipsy?" 

"You  crazy,"  replied  Squint.  "That's  not  to 
drink.  It's  points  not  pints  and  it's  something  so 
little  it  makes  only  a  blue  speck  on  your  plate." 

"But  I  wonder  what's  done  to  the  tomatoes  to 
make  'em  puree  ?"  he  continued. 

"Ethelbert,"  he  asked,  "what's  the  deviled  crabs?" 

"Don't  you  know  common  English  yet?"  he  re 
plied.  "When  you  devil  people,  it's  teasing  and  tick 
ling  them  till  they  get  mad,  so  they  catch  these  craw 
fish  and  tickle  them  under  the  short  ribs  till  they 
turn  red  and  die.  Then  they  are  deviled  crabs." 

"Then  I'll  take  an  egg,  a  biled  potato,  a  bowl  of 
milk  and  a  slice  of  watermelon." 

"I'm  sorry  to  say,"  said  the  waiter,  "that  the 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  201 

watermelons  we  got  this  morning  are  too  green  to 
serve." 

"Never  m.ind,  Squint,"  said  Ethelbert,  "just  order 
it  anyway.  It'll  be  ripe  by  the  time  you  get  it." 

"Perhaps,"  said  the  waiter,  "you  would  like  some 
green  turtle  soup  ?" 

"No,"  replied  August.   "I  want  something  ripe." 

The  waiter  brought  three  eggs,  a  potato  and  a 
bowl  of  milk  to  each. 

"Did  you  notice  that?"  said  Nora.  "We  can  have 
New  York  counts  in  our  eyster  soup,  but  I'm  no 
cannabal  and  the  cook  can  lave  the  counts  out." 

Some  Algerians  came  in  and  took  a  table  near. 
Nora  looked  at  them  in  disgust.  "I  think  scarfs 
look  better  'round  one's  waist,"  she  said,  "instid 
of  'round  the  head,  and  I  don't  loik  the  way  them 
baggy  people  dress.  I  can't  tell  whither  they  be 
men,  women,  suspicious  characters  or  haythen.  I 
heard  some  nice  sassiety  chaps  making  foine  sport  of 
thim."  ** 

"That's  easy  to  explain,"  said  Ethelbert,  "it  is  be 
cause  the  foreigners  didn't  have  creases  in  their 
trousers." 

A  disconsolate-looking  man  sat  near  Uncle  Jere 
miah  and  by  his  side  was  a  big  bass  drum.  Uncle 
Jeremiah  thought  to  cheer  him  a  little  by  being 
friendly. 


202  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"I  suppose  you  are  enjoying  the  fair?"  he  ven 
tured  to  remark. 

"Enjoying  it,"  he  snorted.  "I  should  say  not.  I 
was  lured  here  from  my  happy  home  down  near 
Cairo,  expecting  to  make  big  pay." 

"Look,"  whispered  Nora,  "the  man  is  a  haythen. 
He  comes  from  Egypt,  but  he's  dressed  different. 
What  a  change  it  makes  in  their  looks." 

"Enjoy  the  fair!"  he  continued.  "Why,  I  have 
nearly  died.  If  I  stay  here  much  longer  they'll  have 
to  take  me  back  in  a  six-foot  box.  I  was  first  hired 
out  to  drum  for  Jerusalem,  and  I  had  to  fix  up  like 
an  Arab  and  wear  their  scarecrow  togs.  In  day 
time  I  burnt  and  in  evenings  I  froze.  Then  I  got 
a  place  in  a  Dutch  sausage  restaurant  and  I  had 
to  sit  by  the  sizzling  frankfurters  and  drum  till  I 
was  burnt  like  the  smallpox,  with  spattering  grease. 
Then  I  got  a  place  in  the  mummy  house,  where  I 
had  to  ding-dong  funeral  marches,  and  I'm  no  solo 
ist,  twelve  hours  on  the  stretch.  I've  quit  with 
enough  to  get  the  drum  home.  If  I  can't  get  a 
freight  car  back  I  will  hoof  it.  Enjoy  the  fair,  naw ! 
I've  seen  nothing  and  I  wouldn't  see  any  more  for 
the  whole  shooting  match." 

He  shouldered  his  drum  and  left  with  an  expres 
sion  made  from  sour  lemons. 

"How  long  have  you  been  here?"  asked  a  weary 
looking  woman,  of  Matilda. 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


203 


"Three  days,"  answered  Matilda. 
"Have  you  seen  much?"  she  continued. 
"O,  wonders,"  replied  Matilda,  enthusiastically. 
"How  long  have  you  been  here?"  she  asked  in 
reciprocal  friendliness. 
"Two  days." 


"Had  to  Fix  Up  Like  an  Arab." 

"Have  you  seen  much  in  that  time?" 

"I  can't  say  exactly,"  she  said,  sadly.  "You  see 
my  darter  wanted  me  to  see  the  big  woman  all 
made  out  of  oats  that  she  read  about,  and  I  can't 
find  her.  I  can't  stay  but  one  more  day  and  I  think 
I'll  give  up  the  hunt." 


204  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

A  restaurant  band  had  been  playing  some  soft  but 
very  spirited  music,  when  with  several  long-drawn 
extra  flourishes  ihey  gave  a  loud  climax  and  sud 
denly  ceased.  Then  the  loud  voices  of  many  people 
talking  at  the  tables  became  ridiculously  conspic 
uous. 

"My,  that's  curious!"  exclaimed  Nora. 

"What's  curious?"  some  one  inquired. 

"What  s'prises  me  most,"  she  explained,  "is  not 
the  noise  them  fellers  kin  make,  but  how  on  earth 
they  can  stop  all  at  once  together." 

"That's  easy,"  replied  Ethelbert.  "Each  one  is 
allowed  just  so  much  wind  to  start  with  and  they,  of 
course,  all  get  out  of  breath  at  exactly  the  same  in 
stant." 

"O,  yis,"  exclaimed  Nora,  much  relieved  to  know 
how  it  was  done.  "I  thought  maybe  there  was  some 
kind  of  a  time-lock  set  to  plug  up  their  instruments." 

"Waiter,"  said  Uncle  Jeremiah  to  one  standing 
near,  with  nothing  to  do,  "you  seem  to  know  those 
three  distinguished  looking  gentlemen  over  there, 
and  they  have  aroused  my  curiosity.  I  never  saw 
finer  looking  types  of  manhood.  I  suppose  they  be 
long  to  some  foreign  courts." 

"Know  them,  well  I  guess,"  he  replied.  "I  ought 
to  know  them  now  or  I  never  will.  The  gent  on  this 
side,  I  tends  bar  fer  him  tree  yeers,  the  next  feller 
has  a  shop  next  to  him,  where  I  shaves,  an'  the 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  205 

other  takes  my  bets  on  the  races.  Yer  right,  old  man, 
they're  jolly  good  chaps  straight  to  the  bone." 

Uncle  Jeremiah  gasped,  as  the  waiter  hurried 
away. 

"Why,"  he  exclaimed,  "that  proves  nobody  can 
put  any  dependence  in  reading  the  cognomen  of  city 
folks." 

Seeing  that  no  more  was  to  be  ordered,  their 
waiter  flung  around  a  pencil-marked  slip  at  each 
plate.  They  all  looked  to  see  what  their  food  had 
cost  them. 

"August,"  said  Ethelbert,  "you  must  return  your 
eggshells  and  potato  peel  and  get  something  back." 

August  looked  glum  but  said  nothing. 

"Look  here,"  said  Nora,  "this  skinned  pie  cost  me 
five  cents  a  bite. 

"I  suppose,"  she  continued,  indignantly,  "it's  five 
cents  to  sit  down,  five  cents  to  get  up  and  five  cents 
for  using  your  own  handkerchief  for  a  napkin.  That 
would  bring  my  bill  down  in  the  neighborhood  of 
decency." 

"Yes,  an'  I've  got  five  cents  added  to  mine,"  said 
Squint,  "fer  hangin'  my  cap  on  the  coat  hook." 

"I  guess  it's  philanthropy,"  said  Nora;  "these 
waiters  be  hold-up  robbers  in  the  winter  and  they 
be  jist  soberin'  down  practicin'  in  here." 

August  motioned  to  the  waiter. 

"You  got  marked  tane  cents  fer  crackers,"  he 


206  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

said,  "an'  you  bring  me  no  crackers.     Shust  take 
tane  cents  off." 

"Can't  do  it,"  said  the  waiter.  "It's  not  my  fauft 
if  you  didn't  get  it.  I  ordered  it  and  the  man  back 
there  marked  it  and  I  can't  change  it." 

"You  can't  change  it?"  indignantly  replied  Aug 
ust.  "Well,  I  can.  Shust  look  how  easy." 

The  waiter  protested. 

"Gooka  heer  mal,  Meester  Waiter,"  he  exclaimed. 
"You  see  me  knock  the  crackers  oudt  mit  thees  pencil 
in  my  handt,  then  you  see  me  knock  de  egg,  an' 
prater  and  milk  down  to  decent  price,  an'  then  you 
see  me. knock  your  hedt  off  if  dare  is  any  trouble 
ofer  sich  ferdampte  swindles.  Dere  is  kvarter  tollar. 
Fife  cents  apiece  for  efferytings.  Goot-bye." 

August  walked  out  unmolested. 

Uncle  Jeremiah  collected  the  remaining  checks 
and  laid  the  required  amount  in  the  waiter's  hand. 

"Aren't  you  going  to  remember  the  waiter?"  that 
functionary  said,  pathetically. 

"Remember  you?  O,  yes,"  said  Uncle  Jeremiah. 
"If  you  ever  find  yourself  at  Stumpburg,  come  and 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

DIVERTING    VARIETIES    AS    THE    SPICE    OF    CURIOSITY. 

Variety  is  the  spice  of  life  according  to  some  do 
mestic  phrase  maker,  but  it  is  more  than  that  to  an 
exposition,  according  to  the  tastes  of  equally  varied 
visitors.  In  fact  it  is  the  whirl  from  one  thing 
to  another  that  causes  those  who  could  not  otherwise 
walk  a  block  to  amble  along  nimbly  mile  after  mile 
without  a  thought  of  the  tired  feeling  they  so  often 
enjoy. 

The  Stumpburgians  scattered  broadcast,  though 
they  had  some  system  in  keeping  along  the  same 
general  direction  and  within  reaching  distance  of 
each  other  for  emergencies.  They  were  swallowed 
up  in  the  crowds  like  minnows  in  the  sea,  until 
August  came  to  the  surface  with  the  astonishing 
proportions  of  a  whale. 

He  unwittingly  created  a  considerable  panic  on 
the  way  back  to  ftie  Liberal  Arts  building,  where 
Uncle  Jeremiah  desired  them  to  spend  the  rest  of  the 
day.  Matilda  had  given  Nora  her  camera  to  carry 
and  she  in  turn  gave  it  over  to  August.  When  she 
wanted  it,  August  had  become  separated  from  them 
and  Nora  ran  to  find  him.  Presently  he  learned 
that  Matilda  wanted  the  camera,  so  he  ran  toward 

207 


208 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


her,  trying  to  get  her  attention  by  calling  out,  "I 
haf  the  schmall  pox,  I  haf  the  schmall  pox." 

The  people  parted  from  before  him  as  if  he  were 
indeed  the  pestilence. 

"Go  way !  go  way !"  cried  a  group  of  women,  scat 
taring  like  a  flock  of  sheep  before  a  wolf.    August 


I  Haf  the  Schmall  Pox!" 


stopped  short  and  gazed  after  them  in  speechless 
wonderment. 

"Vas  ist  los  mit  the  wimmens?"  he  sputtered. 
"Haf  they  ferricked,  haf  they  lost  someding  mit 
their  heads?" 

Matilda  came  up,  took  the  camera  and  walked 
away  with  him,  till  they  were  once  more  swallowed 
up  in  crowds  that  knew  nothing  of  his  having  the 
"schmall  pox." 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  209 

The  sight-seers  wandered  into  the  Fine  Arts 
building  among  a  fine  exhibition  of  rare  vases,  sev 
eral  specimens  being  marked  or  catalogued  with 
prices  ranging  into  several  thousand  dollars. 

"What  are  these  slick  painted  things  for?"  in-j 
quired  Nora. 

Ethelbert  regarded  them  closely  with  thoughtful! 
attention  for  several  minutes  without  replying.  He* 
wanted  to  study  out  their  use  to  a  certainty  before] 
answering. 

"It  is  very  probable,"  he  said,  cautionsly,  "that 
these  are  the  costly  cuspidors  of  aristocracy."  > 

"Phat's  that?"  inquired  Nora.  She  was  usually 
from  ten  to  fifty  per  cent  more  Irish  during  any 
sharp  surprise  than  either  just  previous  to  taking 
or  after.  So,  we  record  that  she  said,  "Phat's 
that?" 

"That,  my  dear  uncultured  friend,"  replied  Ethel 
bert,  "means  the  spittoons  of  the  Vanderbilts,  As- 
tors,  Morgans,  Rockefellers,  and  Rothschilds,  the 
pampered  rich  of  modern  commercialism." 

"So  they  spit  in  them,"  said  Nora,  in  disgust. 
"  No  woonder  they  get  bad  stomachs  and  bald  heads 
indulging  such  extravagant  tastes." 

They  were  interrupted  by  several  Turks  coming 
by  in  animated  explosions  of  conversation. 

"Do  they  really  call  that  sputtering  a  language?" 
asked  Nora,  in  prospective  disgust  at  the  lingual 


210  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

classifications  of  scholars  and  the  schools.  "I  won 
der  how  it  ever  got  mistook  for  speech." 

Ethelbert  thought  it  his  duty  to  inform  her,  and 
most  anything  was  supposed  to  pass  as  information 
with  her. 

"Haven't  you  heard  of  the  tower  of  Babel,  where 
all  these  languages  were  made?"  he  asked.  "Of 
the  many  different  ways  by  which  the  various  lan 
guages  got  started  the  origin  of  Turkish  is  the 
most  singular.  At  the  moment  when  the  change 
of  languages  took  place,  a  man  was  lying  asleep 
on  his  back  under  a  scaffold  with  him  mouth  open. 
A  man  above  him  with  a  bucket  of  mortar  was  so 
shocked  at  not  understanding  his  own  voice  that 
he  upset  the  bucket  of  mortar  and  it  poured  straight 
down  into  the  sleeping  man's  mouth.  It  of  course 
awakened  him  and  what  he  arose  and  said  to  the 
man  above  was  Turkish.  You  understand  that  the 
fellow  with  the  mortar  found  himself  talking  Irish." 

"I  suppose  that  is  a  tale  handed  down  from  your 
famous  forefather,"  she  replied,  "for  I  nivver  read 
of  it  in  any  cyclopedia,  but  I  would  not  give  it  away 
in  the  story  that  he  was  such  a  lazy  hod-carrier." 

Matilda  called  them  over  to  an  exhibit  labeled, 
"Relics' of  the  Dark  Ages." 

"What  does  that  mean?"  she  inquired. 

"I  guess  it  must  a  been  the  toime  whin  all  the 
white  people  was  naygers,"  suggested  Nora.  "Or, 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  211 

maybe  the  sun  kept  setting  and  couldn't  make  the 
turn  to  rise." 

Ethelbert  laughed  sarcastically. 

"You  ignorants!"  he  exclaimed.  "That  was  the 
time  when  no  one  washed  for  a  thousand  years." 

"O  my,  O  me!"  exclaimed  Helena  rapturously. 


What  He  Said  -was  Turkish. 


"Just  think  how'  long  people  live  when  they  don't 
have  to  take  baths." 

The  flock  was  scattered  for  quite  awhile,  when  it 
was  suddenly  brought  together  at  a  sharp  squeal 
and  vigorous  beckoning  from  Helena.  She  was 
slanding  entranced  before  a  doll  bazar.  It  was 
i::deed  a  fairy-land  for  children.  Here  was  the  only 
;  .ace  in  the  exposition  where  Helena  took  notes, 


212  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

though  Matilda  had  to  do  it  for  her.  This  matter 
of  such  special  interest  to  her  was  the  laws,  rules 
and  regulations  pertaining  to  dolls,  a  kind  of  moral 
ethics  for  the  proper  conduct  of  make-believe  babies. 

The  following  are  a  few  of  the  musts  and  dont's : 

"A  china  doll  mustn't  hit  its  head  against  its 
mother  for  fear  of  making  her  cry. 

"Wooden  dolls  must  keep  away  from  the  place 
where  the  rocking  part  of  a  chair  curls  up  from 
the  floor. 

"Wax  dolls  must  carefully  avoid  all  closeness  to 
fires,  as  fires  have  a  bad  effect  on  their  complexions. 

"An  old  cracked  doll  with  a  sweet  smile  and  lively 
eyes  is  more  blessed  in  the  love  of  the  little  mothers 
than  one  with  sour  face  and  a  glassy  stare. 

"Don't  lie  around  on  the  floor  to  be  cuffed  by  the 
cat,  worried  by  the  dog,  and  walked  on  by  the 
giants. 

"Don't  tousle  up  your  hair  by  sliding  off  of  chairs 
on  to  your  head,  for  one  of  the  little  mothers  will 
try  the  comb  on  you  and  off  goes  your  scalp. 

"Don't  be  a  coquette,  for  your  admirers  may  fight 
over  you  and  pull  you  to  pieces. 

"Don't  be  jealous,  for  you  are  neither  a  mind- 
reader  nor  a  hypnotizer,  so  you  can't  help  what 
happens. 

"Don't  think  of  suicide  if  you  are  cast  aside  for 
another  favorite.  This  world  is  naturally  incon- 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  213 

stant  and  fickle,  but  you  do  not  know  when  the 
stork  may  bring  another  little  mother  into  the  house 
who  will  think  you  are  the  best  thing  that  ever 
was." 

Helena  was  very  much  pleased  with  her  share  in 
Matilda's  note  book. 

"I  am  sure  that  it  is  heathens  that  make  all  the 
dolls,"  she  said,  when  she  read  through,  with  the 
help  of  Matilda,  the  directions  given  for  the  conduct 
of  her  numerous  make-believe  household. 

"Why  do  you  think  the  doll-makers  are  all  heath 
ens?"  Matilda  asked  the  child. 

"Well,  I  have  never  seen  any  that  can  stand  on 
their  knees.  I  have  to  lay  mine  always  on  their 
stomachs  when  they  say  their  prayers." 

Helena  was  much  attracted  by  a  winking,  laugh 
ing,  walking  doll  exhibited  in  one  of  the  booths. 
She  carried  nine  cents  in  her  pocketbook,  but  the 
doll  was  marked  three  dollars.  She  resolved  all 
kinds  of  schemes'in  her  mind  for  its  possession,  and 
there  appeared  no  way  to  get  the  required  money 
except  by  taking  up  a  collection.  She  undertook 
this  task  privately,  reserving  Uncle  Jeremiah  for 
the  last.  In  due  time  his  turn  came. 

"Uncle  Jeremiah,"  she  said,  "I've  been  taking 
up  a  subscription  to  donate  me  the  beautifulest  doll 
you  ever  saw,  It's  just  like  a  baby  for  real." 


214  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"How  much  does  it  cost?"  asked  Uncle  Jere 
miah. 

"Three  dollars." 

"How  much  have  you  succeeded  in  collecting?" 

"O,  I've  got  nearly  enough,"  she  replied.  "All 
I  need  from  you  is  two  dollars  and  eighty-six  cents." 

Such  an  appeal  was  irresistible,  and  Uncle  Jere 
miah  completed  the  fund.  She  was  soon  the  owner 
of  the  wonderful  doll,  and  there  was  very  little  in  the 
exposition  of  any  interest  to  her  during  the  rest  of 
the  day. 

Uncle  Jeremiah  was  strolling  along  through  the 
building  near  where  they  were  to  meet  at  going- 
home  time,  when  he  discovered  that  not  one  of  his 
proteges  was  in  sight,  and  so  the  hour  remaining 
could  be  spent  according  to  his  own  fancy.  An 
exhibit  of  books  attracted  his  attention.  He  was 
reading  over  some  titles  when  an  alert  attendant 
came  up. 

"Are  you  interested  in  books?"  he  inquired. 

"O,  some'at,"  was  Uncle  Jeremiah's  evasive  re 
ply.  "Down  in  Stumpburg,  Hooppole  township, 
Posey  county,  we  think  more  of  hogs  than  books." 

"Why,  that  interests  me,"  warmly  replied  the 
young  man.  "I  was  born  at  Harmony,  down  on 
the  Wabash,  and  I'm  going  to  make  my  headquar 
ters  at  Cynthian  next  winter.  I'm  glad  to  know  you 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  ,    215 

Come  in  and  have  a  cigar.  We  can't  smoke  here, 
of  course,  but  it  will  be  all  right  in  the  evening." 

Uncle  Jeremiah  was  tired,  and  the  chair  by  the 
desk  was  comforting.  He  accepted  the  new-found 
hospitality. 

"By  the  way,"  the  book  man  began  insinuatingly, 
"I  would  like  to  be  appreciated  a  little  down  in 
your  section  when  I  come  to  live  there  this 
coming  fall,  and  I  believe  I  have  something  very 
acceptable  that  I  can  send  to  your  family." 

Uncle  Jeremiah  began  to  suspect  something  and 
he  wanted  to  find  out  what  it  was  that  he  suspected. 
He  let  the  young  man  do  the  talking  as  the  surest 
way. 

"A  big  Bible  manufacturing  company  in  the  East 
failed  last  month,"  he  continued,  "and  threw  onto 
our  hands  a  hundred  Bibles  of  such  superb  make 
as  to  retail  at  fifty  dollars  each.  By  a  little  hocus^ 
pocus,  I  can  get  one  down  to  your  family  for  ten 
dollars,  transportation  prepaid.  Just  to  show  you 
what  it  is,  look  at  this.  It's  too  heavy  to  lift,  so 
step  over  here  and  see  the  costliest  single  book  ever 
put  into  print." 

"No  one  can  sit  in  the  chair  of  commercial  hos 
pitality  without  paying  for  it,"  muttered  Uncle  Jere 
miah,  as  he  obeyed  the  summons. 

The  young  man  made  an  eloquent  display  of  the 


216 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


volume  and  then  called  a  meek-looking  assistant 
over  to  them. 

"Take  this  gentleman's  address,"  he  ordered,  "and 
send  him  this  identical  book  so  it  will  arrive  at  his 
house  ahead  of  him  as  a  kind  of  welcome  home." 

"You  are  making  just  forty  dollars,"  he  added, 


"By  the  Way,"  the  Book  Man  Began. 

"as  my  remembrance  to  your  family,  and  you  can 
either  pay  me  now  or  sign  this  memorandum,  which 
I  will  present  to  you  when  I  move  down  into  your 
country  in  the  Fall." 

Uncle  Jeremiah  had  seen  swindles  before,  and 
this  was  not  novel  enough  to  be  interesting.  He 
looked  at  his  watch.  "Well,  I  guess  I'd  better  be 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  217 

going,"  he  said.  "Much  obleeged  to  you,  but  I  am 
acquainted  with  the  manager  and  owner  of  the 
company.  He  was  down  this  Spring  in  our  country 
and  he  sold  a  few  of  them  fifty-dollar  Bibles  at 
eighty  per  cent  discount  just  to  keep  his  hand  in. 
and  for  friendship's  sake.  Our  home  book  store 
man  has  costlier  ones  that  he  sells  for  three  dollars. 
You  can't  beat  us  on  prices,  but  I  don't  mind  telling 
the  managing  officer  over  these  exhibits  what  a  bar 
gain  you  have  in  Bibles  for  us  countrymen,  and  he 
may  be  'round  to-morrow." 

Something  happened,  for,  the  next  day  when 
Uncle  Jeremiah  came  by  this  exhibit,  the  liberal 
young  man  was  gone,  and  the  costly  Bible  had  also 
disappeared. 

August  had  become  tired  of  the  Palace  of  Liberal 
Arts  in  the  latter  part  of  the  afternoon,  and  so  wan 
dered  from  one  place  to  another  till  he  came  into 
the  Electricity  building. 

Here  he  came  jup  to  a  special  pavilion  of  whizzing 
dynamos,  where  he  was  confronted  by  a  sign  in 
his  way  which  read : 

"KEEP  OUT 
THIS  MEANS  YOU." 

It  was  no  bar  to  his  progress. 
"Didn't  you  observe  the  sign?"  inquired  an  at 
tendant. 


218  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"No,  sir,"  he  replied,  "but  I  saw  it." 

"Then  you  can't  read."    . 

"Yes,  sir,  I  can,"  August  replied.  "The  sign 
says  it  means  you.  That  lets  me  in.  But  if  you 
don't  want  me  in  here,  I  will  go  out  or  I  vill  get 
somepody  vat  vill  go  out.  Only  I  want  won  ques 
tion  asked,  Wat  is  this  ting?" 

The  attendant  surveyed  him  critically. 

"I  see  you  are  a  farmer,  so  I  will  answer  you 
in  the  language  of  the  farm.  Maybe  you  can  under 
stand  it  then,  and  ask  no  more  questions.  This  is  a 
plant." 

"Wat  tings  do  it  raise  on  the  plant?" 

"Currents." 

"How  mooch  a  gallon  do  you  sell?" 

"We  sell  by  the  shocks." 

"O,  you  tink  you  are  so  cute." 

"Yes,  my  bucolic  friend,  and  it  will  be  electro 
cute,  if  you  wander  around  here  alone,  so  you  had 
better  shoot  before  I  plant  the  currents  into  your 
system  in  such  a  quantity  of  shocks  that  even  the 
patrol  wagon  can't  convey  your  remains  to  the 
morgue." 

August  vanished  as  rapidly  as  his  legs  could  con 
vey  him  away. 

Presently  the  Stumpburg  flock  came  up  to  Uncle 
Jeremiah  and  swept  him  around  the  sunken  garden 
into  the  mines  building.  An  exhibit  of  silver  ore 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  219 

with  some  silver  bullion  covered  by  silver  coins 
of  different  nations  caught  Nora's  wondering  at 
tention. 

"How  on  earth  did  they  ever  get  the  silver  out 
of  them  rocks?"  she  inquired. 

"Don't  you  know  that?"  replied  Ethelbert.  "Ev 
ery  ten-year-old  ought  to  know  that.  They  smelt 
it  out." 

"Well,  you  can't  smelt  anything  out  of  that  joke," 
returned  Nora.  "You  might  as  well  tell  me  that 
they  eat  it  out  for  the  taste." 

"O,  come  on,"  said  Helena,  "let's  look  at  the 
big  bones.  My  eyes  get  winky  looking  at  the  theo 
logical  specimens." 

She  went  away  from  the  geological  exhibit  in 
mineralogy  much  out  of  sorts,  but  presently  re 
turned  even  more  so. 

"What's  the  trouble?"  asked  Uncle  Jeremiah. 
She  pointed  out  a  man  against  whom  she  cast  indig 
nant  glances. 

"That  man  asKed  me  how  old  I  am.  I  said  eight. 
He  said,  'May  you  have  many  such  periodical  aches, 
with  long  ears  of  prosperity." 

Just  then  she  spied  a  little  girl  who.  had  been 
next  to  her  at  the  breakfast  table  that  morning. 
They  began  playing  hide-and-seek  as  an  entertain 
ment  much  superior  to  World's  Fair  sight-seeing. 
Some  of  the  child's  brothers  and  sisters  came  up 


220  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

from  unseen  places  and  joined  in  the  play.  Nora 
and  the  children's  mother  were  thus  brought  to 
gether.  Nora  asked  how  many  children  she  had,  as 
they  began  to  accumulate  and  swell  the  hide-and- 
seek  party. 

"A  pretty  fair-sized  bunch  to  take  care  of  in  a 
place  like  this,"  answered  the  woman.  "I  have 
five  sons  under  ten  years  of  age,  and  each  of  them 
has  three  sisters." 

"Lor!"  gasped  Nora,  incredulously.  "What  a 
family!" 

She  hastened  after  Helena  and  got  her  away  be 
fore  there  was  danger  of  her  being  lost  in  the  fam 
ily  crowd. 

"Helena,  what  does  this  belong  to?"  asked  Uncle 
Jeremiah,  pointing  to  a  piece  of  gold  ore. 

"To  the  mineral  kingdom,"  she  promptly  replied. 

"And  this?"  pointing  to  a  rose. 

"To  the  vegetable  kingdom." 

"And  what  do  you  belong  to  ?" 

"We've  not  got  any  king  in  this  country,"  she 
replied,  "so  I  belong  to  the  kingdom  of  heaven." 

"Very  good,"  replied  Uncle  Jeremiah.  "Be  sure 
that  you  live  loyal  to  your  kingdom." 

On  their  return  to  the  hotel  that  afternoon,  they 
found  that  August  could  be  accommodated  with  a 
room  there  and  he  at  once  moved  over.  Everything 
was  therefore  harmonious  and  lovely  until  .August 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  221 

was  given  the  check  for  his  evening  meal.  He  felt 
in  his  pockets  as  if  he  had  forgotten  something,  but 
could  find  no  money. 

"What  is  the  matter?"  asked  Uncle  Jeremiah. 

"I  gave  my  money  to  the  hotel  clerk,"  he  an 
swered. 

"Why?" 

"Don't  you  see  the  sign  at  the  counter?"  returned 
August,  in  self-detense.  "It  says,  'Not  responsible 
for  valuables  unless  left  in  the  office  with  the  clerk.' 
My  money  is  valuables,  ain't  it?  Besides,  the  hotel 
is  more  able  to  stand  the  loss  than  I  am." 

• 

Uncle  Jeremiah  laughed. 

"I  see,  August,  that  you  are  turning  Irish." 

August  was  not  altogether  certain. 

"Is  there  any  danger?"  he  inquired. 

"None  if  the  hotel  does  not  go  bankrupt." 

August  left  the  table  and  went  to  the  clerk. 

"I  wish  tny  money,"  he  said. 

The  clerk  tool$.  out  his  package. 

"O,  you  haf  it,  I  see.  Well,  if  you  haf  it,  I  don't 
want  it.  Only,  if  you  don't  haf  it,  I  want  it.  Yet, 
berhsps  I  petter  haf  five  dollar." 

The  clerk  took  cut  a  five  dollar  bill  and  gave  it  to 
him.  August  went  away,  fully  satisfied. 

The  young  folks  took  seats  together  in  one  of 
the  parlor  windows. 


222  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"Mercy  me,  I  am  so  tired,"  exclaimed  Matilda. 
"This  fair  is  too  big." 

"Huh !"  said  Ethelbert.  "You  ought  to  be  thank 
ful  that  you  don't  have  to  walk  over  it  at  night." 

"What's  the  difference?"  she  asked. 

"It's  bigger  at  night." 

"How  can  that  be?" 

"Dead  easy,"  he  answered.  "Because  then  every 
foot  is  an  acher." 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

BUCOLIC  ESTIMATES  OF  THE  OPERATIC  ART. 

The  rural  visitors  thought  that  they  could  not 
spend  at  most  more  than  two  or  three  additional 
days  st  the  Fair,  and  they  were  lamenting  this  fact 
as  they  were  completing  their  evening  meal.  As 
time  was  short,  it  must  be  economized  to  be  well 
spent,  and  their  plans  were  accordingly  made.  A 
slight  commotion  caused  them  to  look  around. 

"Sure  an'  it's  Uncle  Jerry  and  the  kids  at  the 
table  thar,  I  come  to  see,"  said  a  familiar  voice 
back  of  them,  as  an  attendant  escorted  a  sun  browned 
farmer  to  them. 

"Look  at  'im,  look  at  'im,"  cried  Nora.  "It's  me 
father,  an'  who'd  a  thought  it." 

"Sure  enough,  I  couldn't  stay  away  when  Aug 
ust's  mother  brought  over  to  us  that  woonderful 
letter  of  Nora,"  he  said,  taking  a  chair  at  the  table. 
"Meester  Bramrrfe  come  oop  an'  I  just  got  in  the 
same  sate  of  the  car  and  here  I  am.  We  have  been 
seeing  the  Fair  this  avening  together.  Sure  it's  a 
woonderful  place.  I  promised  the  auld  woman  that 
I'd  get  Nora  to  write  her  so  she  would  know  I  got 
here  with  all  me  bones." 

"But  I'm  going  right  away  after  eating  to  the 

223 


224 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


Pike,  with  August,"  said  Nora,  "to  see  the  illoomin- 
ation,  and  then  we're  coming  back  to  the  opery." 

"O,  ye  air?"  he  said,  "an'  phat's  the   Poike? 
Seems  I  heeard  of  the  baste  afore.     I  caught  wan 
wanst  meeself  with  a  hook  back  in  the  auld  coun- 


" Sure  an'  It's  Uncle  ferry  and  fhe  Kids!" 

try.  But  who'll  write  me  letter  to  yer  mither, 
Nora?" 

"I'll  write  your  letter,"  interrupted  Ethelbert. 
"Then  Matilda  and  I  are  going  to  the  opera." 

"Good  b'y  ye  air,"  he  replied.  "But  the  opery. 
O,  yes,  I  heerd  o'  that  thing  too.  I  want  to  go  lang 
wid  ye." 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  225 

"All  right,"  laughed  Ethelbert.  "We  can  have 
the  pleasure  of  your  criticism  on  grand  opera." 

After  the  meal  was  finished  Ethelbert  led  the  way 
to  the  room  supplied  for  those  who  wrote  letters, 

"Now,  what  shall  I  say?" 

"Dear  Meeses  O'Hara : 

"Nora  is  right,  it  is  a  woonderful  fair,  an'  I'll  try 
to  bring  some  of  it  to  ye.  Ethelbert  is  writing  this 
for  me  and  he  can  say  the  rist,  after  I  have  finished 
it." 

This  suggestion  put  the  mischief  into  the  young 
man's  head  and  a  mighty  thought  struck  him  as  to 
what  he  would  include.  Mr.  O'Hara  was  a  pros 
perous  farmer,  but  he  never  spent  a  cent  when  he 
could  get  along  without  it,  and  there  were  many 
things  that  Mrs.  O'Hara  sadly  needed  at  the  village 
store  which  she  could  never  get. 

"I  will  come  home  with  the  party,"  he  continued 
to  dictate,  "an'  whin  I  am  home  I  will  tell  you 
what  Nora  has  forgot." 

"There,"  he  said  to  Ethelbert,  "I  have  said  it  all 
an'  ye  can  wind  it  oop  in  fashion."  With  that  he 
went  off  to  hunt  up  Uncle  Jeremiah. 

Ethelbert  continued  the  letter : 

"I  do  be  seein'  sich  sights  as  no  mortal  crayture 
iver  laid  two  eyes  on  befure.  It  softens  my  heart 
and  I  think  of  you  with  the  old  calico  dress.  Go 
at  once  an'  buy  a  linsey  woolsey  an'  all  the  rest 


226  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

to  yer  heart's  content.  Ye  nade  a  new  churn,  an' 
throw  the  old  cook  stove  out  in  the  yard  and  have 
a  new  wan  cookin'  on  when  I  come  back  hungry 
for  a  good  supper.  Slapin'  on  sich  foine  beds  here, 
I  can  endure  the  old  wan  no  longer,  and  I  want 
ye  to  have  the  best  in  the  sture  ready  for  me  to  slape 
on  whin  I  come  home  tired  out  with  tramin'  over 
the  sights  an'  loaded  with  the  great  larnin'  of  this 
woonderful  exposition.  Now  don't1  you  miss  what 
I.  say  or  there'll  be  trouble  when  I  come  home  so 
tired  and  hungry  and  stuck  up  wid  the  woonderful 
fair. 

"Your  loving  husband, 

"PATRICK  O'HARA." 

Ethelbert  hurried  the  letter  to  the  mail  box  and 
then  returned  to  get  ready  for  the  opera. 

Patrick  being  so  much  older  than  the  children,  he 
felt  that  he  must  lead  the  way,  and  when  he  ar 
rived  at  the  entrance  of  the  theatre  he  inquired  of 
a  bystander:  "An'  is  this  the  place  where  we  loolc 
at  the  woonderful  opery?" 

"Well,  it's  not  as  wonderful  as  some  operas," 
was  the  reply,  "but  you  can  get  a  look  for  the 
money." 

"Can  we  buy  a  look  for  iny  rasenable  sum?" 

"Cert!  It's  a  stand  up  for  a  dollar  apiece.  Or, 
you  can  sit  with  the  bald  heads  in  the  front  row  for 
two,  or  you  can  take  a  chair  in  a  box  for  three." 

"Then  I'll  stand  oop  with  the  crowd,"  asserted 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  227 

Patrick.  "I'm  no  baldhead  yet,  an'  I  want  no  chair 
in  a  box." 

Ethelbert  went  to  the  office  window  and  bought 
three  seats  in  the  balcony. 

The  old  man  was  the  most  attentive  of  spec 
tators  and  asked  more  questions  than  either  of  his 
companions  were  able  to  answer,  though  they  were 
well  posted  on  dramatic  terms. 

"What  do  you  think  of  it,  Pat?"  inquired  Ethel 
bert,  when  they  were  all  gathered  together  in  Uncle 
Jeremiah's  room  to  discuss  the  show. 

"I  understand  grand  opery  now,"  he  assured  them. 
"My  old  woman  has  been  a  preemy  douny  for  years 
an'  I  didn't  know  it.  Her  high  notes  have  brung 
the  cows  fer  a  mile.  I  have  been  a  dramatic  tenor  all 
the  time,  fer  I  can  yell  the  horses  out  of  the  Corn 
field  or  the  back  pasture  frum  the  yard  fence.  I 
can  sing  a  soothing  syrup  chant  to  the  calves  that 
puts  thim  to  slape  while  I  crop  their  ears,  but  I 
don't  sing  no  song  at  the  bull  till  I'm  safe  through 
the  gate.  Beats^ll  how  them  actors  and  actoresses 
can't  spake  without  singin'.  It's  just  loike  my  hired 
man;  he  can't  stop  whistlin'  'cept  when  he  eats  and 
slapes.  So  they  sings  fightin'  or  lovin'  or  workin' 
or  thinkin'.  Tut,  tut.  I  don't  believe  it." 

"I  can't  say  but  I  somewhat  agree  with  Neigh 
bor  O'Hara,"  said  Uncle  Jeremiah.  "It  all  seems 
so  unnatural.  The  Italian  screams,  the  German 


228  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

moans,  the  Frenchman  shrugs,  the  Englishman  bel 
lows  and  the  American  warwhoops.  When  I  want 
to  see  acting  I'd  rather  go  to  a  real  play;  when 
I  want  to  hear  music  I'd  rather  go  to  a  real  concert ; 
when  I  want  to  hear  singing  I  rather  be  with  a  few 
congenial  persons  in  someone's  home,  where  we 
can  hear  real  songs  of  genuine  sentiment." 

"I  have  my  nerves  under  good  control,"  continued 
Uncle  Jeremiah,  "but  the  enthusiasts  around  me 
were  a  bigger  show  than  the  one  in  front.  There 
was  a  wild  German  in  front  of  me  who  must  have 
had  the  artistic  temperament  of  a  jackass.  'Ach 
der  schweineri,'  he  said,  over  and  over,  to  his  group 
of  friends.  'Ve  haf  been  schwindled  alretty.  Zwei 
tollar  I  pay  to  hear  de  French  horn  and  it  is  all  so 
mooch  as  a  sexteenth  note  out  of  tune.  Donnervetter ! 
Listen!  Vill  it  effer  coom  back.  O,  no,  no,  no!  It 
go  on.  It  go  on  foreffer.  I  must  hold  my  ears  and 
see  noddings,  or  I  go  mad !  I  vill  go  mad !'  Then 
August  varied  the  monotony  by  getting  excited. 
'Ach  himmel!'  he  said,  as  he  caught  sight  of  the 
trombone  player,  'look  at  that  feller  running  that 
thing  down  his  throat  and  out  again.'  Some  people 
got  up  and  yelled  to  bring  the  singers  back  and 
Nora  got  excited.  'O,  murther,'  she  said,  'how 
insulting  they  are  to  the  poor  people  who  have  done 
their  best.  They  are  making  them  do  it  all  over 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


229 


again.'   I  was  sorry  my  seat  was  not  near  Matilda. 
I  wonder  how  she  enjoyed  it  all." 

"Matilda  had  a  miserable  time,"  replied  Ethel- 


"  Out  of  Tune! 


bert  before  she  could  answer.    "It  was  awfully  pain 
ful  to  her.    She  wept  most  of  the  time." 

"O,  Ethelbert,"  she  expostulated,  in  mild  reproof, 
"you  know  how  profoundly  I  enjoyed  it.  Es 
pecially  the  violin  solo." 


230  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"Yes,"  Ethelbert  admitted,  "I  believe  she  did  go 
into  ecstacies  over  the  soulful  art  of  the  young  man." 

Matilda  defended  her  wrought-up  feeling  and 
insisted  on  having  Uncle  Jeremiah  express  his  opin 
ion  of  the  wonderful  violin  performance.  He  told 
her  that  his  thoughts  were  not  yet  well  enough 
collected,  but  that  the  next  evening  he  would  be  able 
to  express  himself.  Matilda  did  not  forget  his 
promise,  and  the  following  night,  when  they  were 
all  together  in  his  room,  she  returned  to  her  request 
for  his  opinion  of  the  superb  violin  music.  He 
drew  a  piece  of  paper  from  his  pocket. 

"To-day,  while  I  was  watching  some  children 
in  a  merry-go-round,"  he  said,  "I  felt  coming  over 
me  the  inspiration  to  express  myself  on  the  high  art 
of  the  great  stringed  virtuoso.  It  swung  into  rhyme 
as  follows: 

"Last  night  Matilda  took  me  out 

To  hear  a  feller  play 

Upon  a  fancy  fiddle  in  a  highfaluting  way. 

He  stuck  the  fiddle  'gin  his  neck 

And  sawed  it  forth  and  back 

As  if  it  was  a  gristle 

An'  he  was  my  bull-dog  Jack. 

Says  I  to  her,  'with  all  them  quirks, 

He'll  never  git  to  goal.' 

'Be  still,'  says  she,  'he's  givin'  us 

The  longings  of  his  soul. 

He's  yearnin'  for  his  ego, 


AND  HIS   NEIGHBORS  231 

(I  think  that  was  the  word), 
To  shout  out  to  the  universe 
And  make  itself  be  heard.' 
Said  I,  'That  yearnin'  business 
And  those  longing  fancy  fads 
Makes  me  think  of  poster  pictures 
Made  by  impression  dabs.' 
In  my  day  the  fiddlers'  motion 
Did  not  come  from  yearnin'  loons 
Those  fiddlers  had  a  notion 
That  they  played  to  give  us  tunes. 
So  I'll  never  get  in  art  so  deep 
As  to  feel  a  fiddle's  squeals 
As  long  as  I  can  soundly  sleep 
And  digest  all  my  meals.' 

"O,  Uncle  Jeremiah,  how  horrible,"  she  ex 
claimed. 

"Well,"  he  replied.  "It  is  not  exactly  true  to 
history,  but  you  know  that  poetic  license  allows  a 
poet  to  fix  things  up  so  they  rhyme.  After  the 
poetic  inspiration  had  gone  off  of  me  I  read  what 
was  written,  and  sure  enough  it  was  not  altogether 
straight  on  what  had  happened,  but  it  was  mighty 
near  to  what  I  felt." 

She  didn't  press  the  matter  any  further, 

Patrick  O'Hara  did  not  last  longer  than  the  next 
day.  He  said  there  was  too  much  of  it  and  the 
pace  was  too  swift  for  him.  The  wonders  were 
too  trying  on  his  eyesight.  He  preferred  the  hills, 
coal-shafts  and  blooming  trees  about  Stumpburg. 


232  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

Instead  of  being  loud  with  praise,  he  was  silent 
with  indignation  until  Uncle  Jeremiah  wrought  upon 
one  of  the  sore  spots  and  caused  him  to  find  speech. 

"I  suppose  there  never  was  anything  of  world- 
interest  before,"  said  Uncle  Jeremiah,  "wherein 
women  took  such  a  large  part." 

"Take  a  loorge  part,"  Patrick  blurted  out  in  fine 
scorn.  "Why,  they  hev  took  it  all,  at  all.  Didn't 
I  see  thim  ivery  place  I  wint  either  persuading  or 
bossing  the  men?  Show  me  the  man  that  has  a 
soul  long  enough  for  a  woman  to  get  hold  of  and 
I'll  show  wan  with  a  ring  in  its  nose  being  led  like 
a  lamb  to  the  slaughter  house.  It  do  make  my 
blood  bile  til  I'm  bilious  hearing  about  loidy  man 
agers,  loidy  clerks  and  on  down  to  loidy  wash- 
ladies.  This  morning  I  saw  a  drove  of  thim  com 
ing  out  of  a  bilding  where  they  hed  bin  resolooting 
about  things  till  I  tell  ye  the  fair  is  run  by  them 
faymales,  as  is  nayther  women  nor  men.  They'd  be 
running  the  wurreld  if  it  warn't  for  the  Toorks  on 
wan  side  and  the  Chinamen  on  the  other.  Whin 
they  git  the  use  of  their  thrue  fate  in  China  and 
take  the  veil  off  of  their  nose  in  Toorkey  then  the 
women  in  America  will  have  risen  to  the  upper 
hand.  The  diyil  will  be  snooping  round  ivery  man's 
home,  and  the  men'll  have  to  slape  in  the  woods." 

The  next  morning  he  took  the  train  for  home 
and  when  he  saw  the  transformation  in  his  house, 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


23* 


234  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

caused  by  the  liberties  Ethelbert  had  taken  in  writ 
ing  for  him  which  had  been  effected  that  very 
morning,  before  his  arrival,  he  was  speechless  for 
an  hour.  Then  he  said,  "O,  Biddy,  how  did  it  hap 
pen?" 

She  called  on  a  neighbor  to  read  to  him  the  letter 
which  he  had  written  to  her  from  the  fair. 

"And  did  I,  indade,  order  all  that?"  he  inquired 
in  a  dazed  way. 

"You  surely  did,"  replied  the  reader,  "for  here 
it  is  in  your  own  letter." 

"It  was,  indade,  a  woonderful  fair,"  he  said  mus 
ingly,  "but  I'll  nivver  go  there  any  more." 

Pat  was  one  who  did  not  appreciate  the  fair  and 
his  criticism  amused  Uncle  Jeremiah  so  that  it 
caused  him  again  to  drop  into  rhyme. 

"Of  course  I  immensely  enjoyed  the  fair,"  said 
he,  "because  the  youngsters  did,  but  I  have  written 
something  here  that  is  not  a  thousand  miles  from 
my  sentiments." 

He  took  out  an  envelope,  upon  which  were  scrib 
bled  in  pencil  the  following : 

"Like  several  other  fellows 

With  more  time  than  common  sense, 

I  went  out  to  Saint  Looey 
To  see  the  fair  commence. 

And  such  a  jumble  as  was  there 
I  never  saw  before. 


AND  ^  HIS  NEIGHBORS  235 

Not  even  when  they're  counting  stock 

Up  at  the  cross-roads  store. 
As  for  the  show,  it's  powerful  fun, 

But,  pshaw!  most  of  the  things 
Are  no  more  use  to  anyone 

Than  fools  and  diamond  rings." 

"That  is  because  we  are  farmers,"  replied  Ethel- 
bert,  philosophically,  "but  I  say  we  have  seen  things 
and  heard  things  that  will  keep  us  thinking  for  a 
long  time  and  that  is  worth  it  all  to  us." 

"That  is  true,  and  well  said,  my  boy,"  replied 
Uncle  Jeremiah.  "I  just  now  think  of  a  special  one 
out  of  the  many  experiences.  You  remember  the 
man  who  was  going  about  the  fair  with  me  quite 
frequently  during  the  last  few  days.  He  became 
very  confidential  at  last,  and,  as  a  friendly  act  ear 
nestly  advised  me  to  put  a  thousand  or  more  in 
wheat  among  the  speculators  on  the  board  of  trade, 
as  it  was,  he  claimed,  the  safest  investment  on 
earth,  and  the  surest  in  the  world  to  make  money. 
He  was  so  positive  about  giving  me  a  friendly  piece 
of  advice  that  I  asked  him  what  reason  he  had  for 
being  so  positive.  At  first  he  refused  to  tell  me, 
but  at  last  I  persuaded  him  to  give  me  the  secret 
of  his  sure  knowledge.  He  said  he  was  treasurer  of 
his  church  down  in  the  state  and  that  he  had  in 
vested  a  thousand  dollars  of  the  Lord's  money  along 
with  a  thousand  of  his  own  and  it  was  a  sure 


236  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

thing  that  the  Lord  wouldn't  lose  His  money  and 
injure  the  church  by  letting  the  market  go  down. 
So  it  was  the  safest  and  surest  investment  on  earth 
while  the  Lord's  money  was  in  September  wheat." 

"I  had  several  shocks  during  my  visit,"  said 
Ethelbert.  "You  may  have  seen  me  around  with  a 
swell  city  chap  during  the  last  few  days.  As  we 
have  three  windmills  on  our  farm,  you  know  I  can 
see  the  difference  between  a  windmill  and  an  electric 
fan.  As  he  never  saw  a  windmill  till  we  walked 
into  the  exhibit  of  windmills,  he  didn't  know  the 
difference.  Well,  some  one  had  permission,  prob 
ably,  as  a  temporary  convenience,  to  keep  some 
fine  hogs  for  show  in  a  pen  among  the  exhibits  of 
windmills. 

"'There,  do  you  see  that?'  the  city  chap  said. 
'We  treat  city  hogs  a  great  deal  better  than  you 
folks  do  country  hogs.  I'll  bet  you  don't  put  up 
big  electric  fans  over  them  in  the  country  to  keep 
them  cool.' 

"But  that  was  nowhere,"  he  continued,  "by  the 
side  of  the  shock  I  received  about  the  second  day 
after  our  arrival.  I  was  in  a  crowded  part  of  the 
town  when  at  a  street  crossing  I  saw  a  crowd  col 
lecting.  A  policeman  was  coming  across  the  way 
with  a  young  lady  quite  stylishly  dressed  in  blue 
and  white  India  silk.  As  the  crowd  pressed  upon 
them  she  looked  several  times  into  his  face  with  the 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


237 


most  innocent  inquiry  as  to  why  she  was  taken  into 
such  custody.  Everybody  could  see  that  she  was 
a  bad,  guilty  woman,  and  that  these  looks  were 


A  Bad,  Guilty  Woman. 

just  put  on,  as  the  policeman  never  paid  any  atten 
tion  to  them,  but  just  went  on  attending  to  his 
duty.  She  couldn't  get  the  sympathy  of  the  peo- 


238  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

pie  by  any  such  art.  Everybody  thought  it  was  a 
fine  example  that  the  law  is  no  respecter  of  persons, 
but  impartial  alike  to  all. 

"A  man  next  to  me  told  his  wife  that  he  reckoned 
she  had  robbed  somebody  or  maybe  done  worse. 
Still  she  was  so  young  and  lovely,  so  pretty  and 
respectable  looking  that  everybody  felt  sorry.  I 
heard  a  woman  tell  another  that  it  showed  the 
dreadful  pitfalls  of  the  city  for  the  innocent.  An 
other  one  said  it  was  plain  she  had  no  shame  left 
or  she  would  have  fainted  away  right  there  at  the 
disgrace. 

"We  could  see  that  the  policeman  was  so  ac 
customed  to  such  things  that  he  walked  right  on 
without  any  interest  but  to  bring  the  woman  to 
justice. 

"He  took  her  on  to  the  corner,  where  an  old  man 
was  standing  and  I  saw  a  man  point  him  out  to 
his  wife  as  the  one  she  had  probably  robbed. 

"But  that  craning  crowd  just  fell  to  pieces  and 
lost  itself  when  the  girl  kissed  the  old  man  and 
the  policeman  said,  'Father,  have  you  been  waiting 
long?'" 


CHAPTER  XV. 

NOTES   ON    FEMININE   FANCIES   AND    PIKE   BARKERS. 

A  few  days  diligently  spent  in  the  wonderland 
of  nations  makes  the  streets  and  aisles  familiar 
tramping  ground.  A  party  can  rarely  hold  together 
longer  than  mutual  safety  requires,  for  each  one 
likes  to  linger  over  what  he  most  enjoys  or  hurry  on 
past  what  others  pause  before  too  long.  Persons 
are  everywhere  seen  taking  notes  which  they  never 
afterward  read,  just  as  persons  afterward  buy  de 
scriptive  and  pictorial  books  which  they  never  read 
or  refer  to. 

The  vast  rich  scenes  are  stored  in  the  mind  and 
it  is  painful  to  force  their  recall.  They  are 
pleasurable  only  as  a  special  and  occasional  memory. 
Matilda 'thought  it  was  her  duty  to  take  notes,  for 
she  had  promised  her  parents  to  do  so  that  she 
might  have  them  as  a  memento  of  things  seen  and 
learned.  The  first  impressions  that  she  thought 
worthy  of  record  were  received  when  she  viewed 
the  extensive  exhibits  of  precious  metals  and 
stones,  in  the  Mines  building.  Such  notes  are 
characteristic  of  the  person.  She  read  a  few  to  her 
friends  as  follows : 

"One  gold  nugget  marked  down  to  $37,000".   One 

239 


240  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

gem  value  inestimable.  Priceless  treasures  greater 
than  Solomon's  in  frail  glass  case  in  easy  reach  of 
the  crowds.  Proves  that  the  world  is  honest." 

"Ethelbert  asked  our  waiter  how  he  could  know 
the  important  people  when  they  were  so  mixed  up 
with  one  another  from  all  nations.  'Dat's  easy.' 
he  said.  'Dey  all  wears  white  aprons.' 

"An  Asiatic  prince  all  togged  up  was  looking 
at  some  furs  and  some  of  us  girls  crowded  around. 
His  back  was  to  us  and  we  couldn't  see  good.  One 
pert  girl,  she  said,  'Please,  sir,  can't  we  look  at 
you?'  She  thought  he  couldn't  understand.  The 
girls  all  giggled.  He  turned  round  and  said,  'Most 
certainly,  young  ladies.  You  look  at  me  and  I  will 
look  at  you !'  We  all  ran. 

"  Saw  an  old  man  come  in  to  the  exhibit  of  phono 
graphs.  A  big  machine  with  a  tube  like  a  fog-horn 
was  singing  Annie  Laurie.  He  leaned  his  head 
against  a  post  and  closed  his  eyes.  When  it  was 
done  he  waked  as  from  a  dream  and  said  to  the 
guard,  'That  was  a  good  singer.  I  wish  you  would 
thank  her  for  an  old  man.  The  words  are  dear  to 
me.  They  made  me  think  way  back.  I  had  a  sweet 
heart  once  who  sang  that  song  to  me.  She  was  my 
helpmate  many  a  year  but  she's  been  gone  to  the 
other  shore  many  a  year.  Seems  like  the  sound  was 
from  lieaven.  Just  thank  her  for  an  old  man!' 
Then  he  \vent  away. 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  241 

"Saw  a  man  get  into  a  rage  and  he  made  a 
speech.  He  was  standing  by  a  sign  which  said : 

'LOOK  AT  THIS  SIGN 
BEFORE  ASKING  QUESTIONS. 

This  is 
PETRIFIED  WOOD 

from 
ARIZONA/ 

"A  high-toned  preacher-looking  fellow  came  up 
while  I  was  looking  at  it  and  said  to  the  attendant, 
'What's  the  idea  of  the  first  two  lines?'  The  man 
got  crazy.  'By  the  Lord  Harry,'  he  said,  'am  I 
doomed.  Won't  anything  shut  them  off?  Have  I 
only  changed  the  form  of  the  never-ending  ques 
tions?  One  idiot  comes  in  here  and  says  right  be 
fore  the  sign,  'Is  this  putrified  wood?'  'No,'  I  says, 
'it  is  petrified  wood.'  The  next  one  says,  'Is  this 
ossified  wood?'  and  I  set  him  right.  Another  says, 
'Is  this  peterfied  wood?'  and  I  fix  him.  Then,  'Is 
this  oxidized  wood?'  and  I  speak.  Then,  'Is  this 
galvanized  <wood  ?'  and  I  am  driven  to  drink.  'Is 
this  marbleized  wood?'  'Is  this  granulated  wood?' 
and  so  on  time  without  end.  To  keep  from  going 
to  Bedlam,  I  put  up  that  sign,  and  now  I  suppose 
the  stream  of  idiots  will  come  back  on  me  to  know 
what  the  sign  is  for.  If  I  ever  get  back  to  my 
happy  home  I'll  never  leave  it.'  Then  he  went  to  his 
desk  and  sat  down  with  his  back  to  us.  I  wanted 
awfully  to  ask  him  why  he  got  mad. 


242 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


"Gondolier  got  me  and  Helena  to  take  a  ride  in 
his  boat  by  a  mean  trick.    Pay  twenty-five  cents  and 


a  Speech. 

he  would  take  us  to  a  place  where  we  could  see 
the  statues  dance.  It  was  by  the  cascade  where 
the  boat  rippled  and  made  the  statues  look  like 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  243 

they  moved,  but  it  was  the  boat  that  danced.  Took 
another  ride  with  August  and  Nora.  The  boat  be 
gan  to  rock.  'O,  it  will  sink/  cried  Nora.  'What's 
the  difference  ?'  said  August.  'It  is  not  our  boat.' 

"Nice  boy  on  viaduct  offered  us  guide  book  for 
sale.  Said  last  on  sale.  Bought  one.  Saw  lots  for 
sale  since.  Nice  boy  on  v-iaduct  a  liar. 

"I  got  a  look  into  the  room  where  the  reporters 
make  up  things  for  the  newspapers.  Worse  than 
a  hog  pen  or  a  smoking  car.  On  the  door  they 
posted  a  long  sheet  written  in  heavy  ink : 

TEN-PUSHERS'    CLUB. 
RULES  OF  ORDER  FOR  VISITORS. 

'Look  over  the  tables  and  take  away  as  souvenirs 
any  written  sheets  you  find.  This  is  a  free  country. 
Deposit  cigar  stubs  on  the  desk  where  they  can  be 
seen.  The  boys  sometimes  need  a  smoke.  Don't 
ask  for  a  pipeful  as  all  we  have  has  long  since  been 
given  away.  We  cater  to  the  public.  Talk  freely 
to  us  as  we  write.  It  influences  our  ideas.  Wipe 
your  feet'on  the  couch.  That  is  what  it  is  here  for. 
Don't  hit  the  spittoon.  It  is  a  sensitive  thing.  Tell 
us  about  the  weather.  The  management  does  not 
furnish  us  with  bulletins.  We  know  everything  of 
interest  to  you  on  these  grounds.  If  we  do  not  re 
spond,  encourage  us  because  we  are  bashful  in  the 
presence  of  strangers.  Loafers  are  welcome  to 
everything.  This  is  the  home  of  the  brotherhood. 


244  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

We  have  passes  to  everything,  but  they  are  all  loaned 
to  our  friends.' 

"On  another  sheet  of  paper  they  had  a  list  of 
things  under  the  title 

'Exhibits  Offered  by  the  Yaps. 

'A  hen  that  walks  backwards.  Boy  who  whistles 
without  opening  his  mouth.  Boy  who  can  flap  his 
ears  like  a  mule.  A  stuffed  calf  that  was  knocked 
off  the  railroad  track  so  hard  as  to  kill  its  mother. 
Knee  buckles  worn  by  Daniel  Boone  upon  his  wed 
ding  day.  Chicken  with  teeth.  Goose  without 
wrings  or  feet.  Kitchen  clock  once  owned  by  a 
cousin  of  John  Quincy  Adams.  Quill  pen  found  in 
a  bible  two  hundred  years  old.  Snake  choked  to 
death  on  a  toad.  Cooking  vessel  used  by  Napoleon 
Bonaparte's  mother.  Squash  that  lasted  three  years 
without  drying  or  having  rotten  specks.  Stone  that 
Captain  John  Smith  .died  on,  showing  dent  made  by 
his  head.' 

"N.  B. — Guess  I'm  tired  copying.  Too  many 
of  them. 

"Another  slip  had  this: 

'No,  you  need  not  tell  us  where  you  are  from. 
Simply  be  natural.  Merely  say,  if  you  are  from 

'Philadelphia,  "How  is  your  health?" 

'New  York,  "Good  morning," 

'Atlanta,  "Good  evening." 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  245 

'Boston,  "Good  day." 

'Pittsburg,  "Gu  morning." 

'Chicago,  "How  are  you?" 

'Denver,  "Howdy?"      * 

'Sioux  Falls,  "Who's  your  wife  to-day?" 

'Cincinnati,  "Great  Scott,  you  again?" 

'Louisville,  "Have  one  with  me." 

'St.  Paul,  "Well,  I  want  to  know." 

'Duluth,  boys  should  say  to  each  other,  "Hello, 
old  man;"  the  men,  "Hello,  old  boy."' 

"To-day  Helena  and  I  got  on  to  the  parade 
ground.  Guard  with  a  gun  came  at  us.  As  he  was 
about  to  shoot  we  turned  to  run.  Lifted  his  cap  and 
smiled  so  sweetly  we  stopped.  He  said  we  were 
trespassing  where  "pedestrians  were  not  allowed.  I 
said  we  were  hoosiers.  He  laughed  and  showed 
beautiful  teeth.  He  told  us  how  he  came  to  be  a 
soldier.  Awful  nice  boy.  I'm  not  afraid  of  him. 

"August  picked  up  an  apple  from  the  floor  in  the 
California  exhibit  in  the  Horticultural  building  and 
took  a  bite.  Just  then  I  read  a  sign.  It  said : 

'These  Apples  Are  Poisoned  to  Preserve  Them.' 

"August  looked  as  if  he  was  about  to  die  until  a 
guard  told  us  there  was  not  enough  in  one  bite  to 
hurt  him. 

"Squint  got  excited  to-day.  He  came  to  tell  us 
he  had  found  a  building  where  they  had  the  north 


246  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

pole  on  exhibition.  It  was  just  some  scenes  on  the 
way  to  the  north  pole.  Boys  get  excited  about  small 
things. 

"Very  nice  Frenchman  sometimes  sits  next  to  me 
at  table.  We  talk  little  and  I  understand  him  much 
less.  He  said,  'O,  I  lairn  ze  Engleesh  vair  well. 
See,  I  have  ze  fine  good  conversation  book.  Thees 
lexion  I  now  load  ze  memory.  It  lairn  me  zee 
speek.' 

"He  let  me  have  'ze  fine  good  conversation  book' 
and  I  copied  some  of  it. 

'How  fortunate  the  fine  summer. 

'It  is  very  hot.     The  sun  scorches. 

'Beware,  it  will  rain. 

*I  perceive  a  river. 

'Alas !  there  is  no  bridge. 

'No !  the  bridge  is  hid  behind  the  road. 

'Perhaps  the  road  has  robbers.  Have  you  loaded 
guns? 

'It  is  day.    There  is  no  fear. 

'Waiter,  we  order  two  beds  not  folding. 

'Now,  indeed,  we  sail. 

'The  ship  has  wheels  in  her  side. 

'The  men  row  well. 

'There  is  no  danger. 

'But  the  sky  is  very  dark  for  the  storm. 

'It  thunders  like  bombardment. 

'It  lightens  like  flash  light. 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  247 

'My  head  is  bad.  Let  me  see  your  tongue.  Have 
you  pain  in  the  heart  ?  No,  it  is  in  the  epigastrics. 

'I  incline  to  be  sick.  It  is  the  not  digested  Amer 
ican  cooking. 

'The  room  is  alive  with  bugs. 

'Ah!  our  friend  approaches. 

'Desire  the  boy  to  order  the  cook  for  a  meal. 

'I  do  not  like  hash. 

'The  vegetation  display  makes  water  in  the 
mouth. 

'Give  us  a  rest  on  prunes. 

'Keep  the  change.     The  boy  likes  the  tips. 

'This  picture  is  much  flattered.  See  the  town  for 
admiration. 

'I  will  go  sometime  home. 

'I  speak  the  English  swiftly  from  this  book.' 

"The  Frenchman  asked  me  why  I  do  not  under 
stand  him.  Said  I  don't  know." 

"Nora  was  powerfully  astonished  to-day.  At 
one  of  the  fountains  she  saw  the  statues  of  mer 
maids.  'Howly  mither,'  she  said;  'd'ye  see  the 
women  with  tails  fer  laigs?  Be  they  sich  things 
raley  in  the  waters  of  the  say?'  'To  be  sure,'  said 
Ethelbert.  'They  got  that  way  from  eating  pork 
on  Friday  and  fish  on  Sunday.  You  want  to  watch 
out.'  Nora  crossed  herself  and  mumbled  some 
thing. 

"Helena  uses  words  that  are  sometimes  too  tall 


248  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

for  her.  We  had  bacon  for  breakfast  and  after  be 
ing  served  she  said  to  me,  'Will  you  do  me  a  flavor  ? 
Please  change  these  pieces.  They  are  too  shrivelled. 
I  like  them  a  little  more  languid.' 

"Nora  and  I  unexpectedly  met  Mike  Dugan  this 
morning.  'My  goodness,'  said  she;  Tm  moity  glad 
to  see  yez,  Moike.  Glad  to  see  even  a  dog  from 
home.'  Mike  looked  puzzled.  'Sure,  I'll  bark  if  ye 
want  me,  but  it's  woonderful  how  fat  ye're  got 
since  I  last  saw  ye.'  'An'  I  was  just  thinking,'  she 
said,  'how  leetle  ye  look  in  this  big  fair. ;  sure,  I 
think  ye  have  shrunk.'  Just  then  a  fife  and  a  bag 
pipe  began  to  play  in  the  Irish  section  and  Mike 
said,  'Ickskuse  me,  ladies.  I  will  see  ye  later.  I've 
got  an  appintment  to  the  dance.' 

"I  wore  my  watch  and  carried  my  guide  and  cata 
logue  book  to-day.  I  won't  do  so  any  more  and  I've 
swore  off  on  asking  questions.  Some  folks  don't 
seem  to  do  anything  else.  The  women  are  terrors. 
I  run  now  when  I  see  one  coming.  I  wrote  down  a 
few  for  samples. 

"One  asked,  'Where's  South  Dakota?' 

"Another,  'Where's  the  sacred  white  ox?' 

'What's  the  anthropological  building? 

'Have  you  seen  my  boy  John.  He's  twelve  years 
old  and  wears  a  straw  hat.' 

'I  want  to  see  the  orchard  flowers,' 

'Orchids  do  have  that  sound,' 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


249 


'Where  can  I  get  a  cup  of  coffee  ?' 
"Every  fifteen  minutes,  'What's  the  time?' 
'Where's  Grant's  birthplace?   I  heard  he  had  his 
log  cabin  here.' 


"Glad  to  See  Even  a  Dog  From  Home." 

'Is  this  Jerusalem  or  the  Philippines  ?' 

"Now  I  know  how  to  sympathize  with  the  guard. 

I  heard  a  woman  say  to  one,  'Can  you  tell  me  how 

to  get  over  there?'     'Yes'm,'  he  said.     She  waited 

and  then  got  mad.    'Well,  if  you  know,  then  how?' 


250  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

'You  can  walk  over  the  bridge  above  or  the  one  be 
low,  or  you  can  swim,  which  ever  you  like  best/ 

"I  have  been  studying  the  etiquette  of  some  of 
the  strange  people.  There  is  a  tribe  from  Alaska 
who  think  it  is  the  host  that  should  decide  when 
the  visitor  should  go.  He  waits  till  he  has  had 
enough,  then  he  waves  his  hand  toward  the  door 
and  says,  'Go  'way.'  I  watched  them  quite  a  while 
and  they  quite  impartially  give  each  one  the  same 
amount  of  time. 

"The  Javanese  sink  on  their  knees  before  the  vis 
itor,  fold  their  hands  in  front  of  them  as  in  prayer, 
then  raise  their  still  folded  hands  to  their  fore 
heads  and  say,  in  a  soft,  low  voice,  'I  am  honored.' 

"Turks  bow  very  low  and  remain  silent  till  the 
visitor  has  spoken. 

"The  Syrian  visitor  keeps  his  face  turned  away 
from  the  host  until  spoken  to. 

"The  Egyptian  meeting  a  friend  puts  his  left 
arm  under  his  friend's  right  arm  and,  reaching 
over  pounds  him  on  the  back,  according  to  the 
energy  of  their  friendship. 

"The  Algerian  never  bows.  They  do  not  move 
their  arms  when  they  shake  hands.  They  never 
change  countenance  when  they  laugh.  If  they  are 
very  much  pleased  at  meeting  a  friend  they  yell. 
They  are  an  odd  set. 

"When  South  Sea  Islanders  meet  they  express 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  251 

their  pleasure  by  slapping  each  other's  faces.  I  have 
met  some  people  when  I  wished  this  was  the  Amer 
ican  custom  for  about  a  minute." 

Matilda  had  other  notes  that  were  her  heart 
secrets  and  they  were  not  disclosed. 

"Have  you  been  taking  notes,  too?"  said  Uncle 
Jeremiah,  as  he  noticed  Ethelbert  looking  over  a 
gilt-edged  pocket  memorandum  book. 

"Yes,"  he  replied,  "for  there  are  some  queer 
things  here  that  neither  I  nor  any  one  else  could 
ever  remember." 

"For  instance,"  he  continued,  "look  at  this  song 
of  the  Italian  candy  man." 

"  'Alia  gooda  bum-bum, 

Vera  nica  canda, 
Beautifula  bum-bum, 

Vera  gooda  canda, 
Fiva  cents  bum-bum, 

Buy  da  gooda  canda/ 

"Then  who  would  want  to  forget  the  eloquence 
of  the  man  who  shows  off  the  ostriches.  'This  way 
for  the  wild  wonders  of  the  feather  tribe.  Not  dead, 
but  alive,  in  all  their  angular  gorgeousness  and 
beauty.  You  have  seen  its  fluffy  plumage  vibrating 
about  the  head  of  lovely  womanhood,  but  how  much 
more  becoming  to  see  this  cosfly  plumage  curled 
about  the  tail  of  its  creator.  Solomon,  in  all  his 
glory,  was  not  arrayed  with  such  unapproachable 


252 


taste.    Step  up  and  behold  the  biped  monarch  of  the 
African  wilderness.' 

"The  next  that  I  got  was  from  the  exhibitor  of 
the  Esquimaux :  'Behold  the  citizens  t)f  the  frozen 
zone;  the  wonderful  inhabitants  of  the  land  of  the 


"Step  Up  and  Behold!" 

midnight, sun.  They  are  genuine.  They  are  real 
and  alive.  They  are  not  coons  from  the  colored 
zone,  made  up  to  play  upon  your  credulity,  but  mov 
ing,  breathing  blubber  eaters  from  the  glaciers,  ice 
bergs  and  eternal  snow.  They  are  not  wax  works, 
nor  stuffed,  nor  ossified  freaks  of  an  ancient  age,  but 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  253 

contemporaneous  flesh  and  blood  in  the  present 
brotherhood  of  man.  They  have  brought  their  dogs, 
sleds  and  wives  for  you  to  gaze  upon  with  envy,  if 
not  regret,  that  you  have  not  been  so  blessed.' 

"Another  was  like  this.  Some  of  the  words  I 
could  not  bring  down  with  a  kite:  'Walk  up  the 
gates  of  Creation;  look  upon  unspeakable  wonder, 
lassoed  in  the  loco  deserts  of  chaos  by  the  wander 
ing  cowboys  of  science.  Miss  not  this  onspeakablc 
opportunity  to  bless  your  future  memory.  Go  search 
through  all  the  recesses  of  God's  footstool  and  then 
come  back  satisfied  that  nothing  under  all  the  wide 
canopy  of  heaven  can  be  found  so  fascinating  and 
strange  as  the  green-eyed  mystery  of  unfathomable 
space.  This  is  no  dime  museum,  but  the  crowning 
feature  of  the  great  exposition  all  for  the  paltry  pit 
tance  of  half  a  dollar.'' 

"Another  one  said,  'Why  is  this  the  most  magnifi 
cent  exhibit  ever  brought  forth  for  the  eyes  of  man  ? 
I  say  because  it  is  not  painted  but  came  direct  from 
the  original  workshop  of  nature.' 

"A  Chinese  talker  had  this  to  say :  'Why  you  not 
go  see?  Is  evelybody  lost  all  money?  All  got 
bloke  ?  What  you  want  ?  Want  me  give  you  dlollar  ? 
Yes.  Come,  I  give  dlollar.  You  no  take  dlollar? 
Then  give  me  halif  dlollar.  This  Chinese  show. 
Glatest  show  on  earth.  All  for  two  dime,  one  nick.' 

"A  fellow  who  I  suppose  had  been  drinking  too 


254 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


much  gave  the  crowd  a  lecture  on  the  mammoth. 
He  came  out  of  the  crowd  and  got  on  the  platform 
between  the  animal's  tusks.  'This,'  he  said,  'is  the 
mastodon.  It  is  one  of  the  profoundest  known 
works  of  ancient  man.  From  the  confession  tied  on 


All  Got  Bloke?1 


his  ankle  you  can  read  that  he  comes  to  visit  us 
from  the  inhospitable  regions  far  away  under  the 
northern  star,  from  the  lower  banks  of  the  Lena 
river,  named  for  a  sweet  German  maiden  whose 
sweetheart  wandered  away  from  her  coldness  to 
the  warmer  regions  of  the  Arctic  zone.  There  he 
found  this  strange  stream  that  had  been  turned 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


255 


from  the  time-honored  course  of  rivers  in  the  day 
of  chaos  and  made  to  run  north.  This  great  animal 
jumped  a  claim  in  an  iceberg  in  the  early  dawn  of 


A  Lecture  on  the  Mammoth. 

time  and  held  it  until  he  was  discovered  and  brought 
forth  to  be  the  wonder  of  civilization.  He  is  a 
ncTble  proof  that  everything  comes  to  him  who 
waits.' 


256  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"Before  a  Chinese  Joss  house  there  was  a  white 
man  togged  in  a  Chinese  outfit,  who  drummed  on 
a  box  and  said: 

'Come,  come,  come,  come, 
Just  beginning,  just  begun, 
Never  ending,  never  done, 
Just  beginning,  just  begun, 
Never  ending,  never  done, 
Come,  come,  come,  come, 
Pay  your  money  and  see  the  fun.' 

"I  went  inside  and  there  was  a  Chinaman  dressed 
like  a  dude  American,  who  was  giving  a  lecture 
and  answering  questions.  'I  thought  the  divil  got 
you  fellows  as  cut  your  hair,'  said  one  of  the  crowd. 
'Say  Chinaman  cut  hair,  go  hell.  No.  Chinaman 
gooda  heart,  he  go  to  gooda  place,  blada  heart,  he 
go  blada  place,  alle  samee  hair,  or  no  hair.' 

"Another  one  I  got  just  outside  the  grounds, 
where  an  auctioneer  was  selling  some  horses.  When 
August  and  I  came  up  a  heavy-faced  Jew  had  driven 
a  newly-painted  but  badly  wrecked  express  wagon 
and  a  bony  horse  up  to  the  auctioneer's  stand. 

"  'Shentlemens,'  said  he,  'feefty-fife  tollar  for 
deese  rig.  Horse  ish  a  thoroughbred,  a  swift  trav 
eler  and  goot  vorker.' 

"  'Shut  up,'  said  the  auctioneer,  'I'm  doing  the 
talking  here.' 

"  'Now,  gents'  what  do  I  hear  for  this  noble 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  257 

thoroughbred,  who  has  won  many  races  when  his 
name  was  famous  and  his  heels  meant  the  exchange 
of  untold  fortunes  all  over  the  world.  Examine 
him,  gentlemen,  and  convince  yourselves  that  he  is 
worth  double  the  money  asked.  Do  I  hear  five? 
Ah,  there  ten.  Yes,  my  beauty,  fifteen.  Who  says 
twenty-five.' 

"August  went  up  and  touched  its  tail.  Then 
he  gave  it  a  yank  and  off  it  came. 

"  'Ach  gott  und  holy  Moses,'  cried  the  excited 
owner.  '  Vot  you  ruin  my  horse  und  despair  my 
families  ?' 

"  'Gone  at  fifteen  dollars,'  said  the  auctioneer. 
'There  you've  got  him,'  he  said  to  the  man  who 
bid  fifteen  dollars.  'Take  him ;  he's  your  property.' 

"  'Not  widout  a  tail,'  said  the  buyer. 

"  'Here,  take  him  you  ten-dollar  man.  Pay  your 
cash  right  here  and  ride  off  with  your  property.' 

"Over  at  the  physical  culture  building  I  heard 
a  college  man  whose  head  was  rather  topsy  turvy 
chanting  over  and  over  as  if  it  were  the  song  about 
a  hole  in  the  bottom  of  the  sea. 

"  Tm  a  biffer, 
Not  a  bluffer, 
And  I  differ 
From  the  duffer 
Who  is  always  fighting  fellows  with  his  gab, 


358  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

For  I  biffs  'em 
And  I  buffs  'em, 
I  diffs  'em 
And  I  cuffs  'em 
And  I  knock  'em  out  of  kelter  with  my  jab.'  K 


CHAPTER  XVI. 

RARE    BITS    WELL    DONE. 

The  great  fair  was  having  a  soothing  influence 
on  the  typical  differences  between  Nora  and  August. 
They  were  becoming  harmonious  friends  despite  the 
opportunities  for  Nora's  tongue,  but  August  was 
becoming  as  impervious  to  her  words  as  a  duck's 
back  is  to  water.  Nora  usually  followed  Uncle 
Jeremiah  and  August  followed  Nora. 

They  were  passing  out  of  the  Machinery  building 
when  Nora  noticed  that  their  generous  and  helpful 
chaperone  looked  fagged  out. 

"Uncle  Jeremiah  is  tired,"  said  Nora.  "I  can 
see  that  he  is.  Let's  go  over  to  the  Transportation 
building,  where  they  can  transport  him  around. 
It  will  be  so  much  asier  for  the  ould  body." 

A  young  man  came  along  just  then  pushing  a 
rolling  chair. 

"Hey,  young  man,"  he  inquired,  "can  I  rent  your 
chair  for  an  hour?" 

"Yes,  sir." 

"Can  you  push  the  thing,  August?"  asked  Uncle 
Jeremiah. 

"Sure  he  can,"  interposed  Nora.  "He  will  be 
delighted,  that  he  will." 

259 


260  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

August  nodded  his  head  but  did  not  appear  to  do 
so  with  any  extraordinary  delight. 

At  the  end  of  an  hour  the  chair  was  returned  to 
the  stand. 

"How  did  you  enjoy  wheeling  Uncle  Jeremiah 
around  in  the  chair?"  inquired  Matilda. 

"Ya  wohl,"  he  answered,  mopping  the  sweat  from 
his  forehead.  "It  was  very  mooch  like  plowing 
corn  and  be  my  own  mule.  Yet,  that  vas  not  so  pad 
as  a  man  offer  there  by  the  machines.  He  want  me 
to  see  how  mooch  I  can  pull  on  the  weighing  scales 
and  I  moost  pay  fife  cents  to  do  the  verk  myself. 
Such  fools !  I  do  not  verk  and  pay  some  one  to  see 
me  verk." 

Uncle  Jeremiah  was  much  interested  in  studying 
the  characteristics  of  the  Esquimaux,  and  he  took 
his  proteges  in  to  see  them. 

One  of  the  queer  fat  little  men  showed  him  their 
home  newspaper.  It  was  issued  once  a  year,  and, 
strange  to  say,  in  the  English  language.  The  price 
was  one  dollar  a  year.  Among  the  items  of  curiosity 
to  him  were  the  following: 

LOCALS. 
Few  whales. 
Big  walrus  catch. 
Ice  poor  for  white  bears. 

SPECIALS. 

Our  mission  dog-team  averages  sixty  miles  a  day. 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  261 

Black-mud  nas  married  Sea-green,  daughter  of 
Moos-Moss. 

Nack-mit-moon  died  lately  and  his  younger 
brother  took,  the  lost  place  in  his  family. 

ADVERTISEMENTS. 

Blubber,  whale  or  walrus  oil  to  exchange  for  ber 
ries. 

Un-ut-koot  is  the  always-ready  and  forever 
Mung-nok,  holy  mud  doctor  and  wind  charmer. 

Ab-ad-rick  now  has  a  son  named  Ming-foot  and 
will  hereafter  be  known  only  by  his  son's  name. 

FASHION  NOTES. 

Bed-ticking  is  now  popular  to  wear  over  fur 
suits. 

Uncle  Jeremiah  was  likewise  greatly  interested  in 
the  Ainu  or  hairy  aborigines  brought  from  the  Isle 
of  Yezzo,  Japan.  Their  strange  nature  gave  him 
much  to  think  about,  for  they  had  many  character 
istics  more  peculiar  even  than  the  Patagonian  giants 
who  live  on  the  rocky  islands  of  Terra  del  Fuego 
at  the  extreme  southern  end  of  South  America,  and 
more  odd  than  even  the  famed  pygmies  of  Central 
Africa. 

Among  these  peculiarities  he  preserved,  for  future 
reference,  special  notes  of  the  following: 

"They  have  never  had  any  political  laws. 

"They  never  laugh  aloud. 

"Suicide  has  never  been  known  among  them. 


262  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"Scientists  cannot  satisfactorily  classify  them  nor 
account  for  their  origin. 

"They  never  wash,  nor  comb  their  hair. 

"Though  barbarians  they  are  gentle  and  only  the 
women  get  angry. 

"Long  black  hair  covers  their  arms,  legs  and 
backs. 

"They  have  god-sticks  which  they  worship. 

"The  bones  in  their  arms  and  legs  are  flat,  like  the 
ancient  cave  men  of  Europe. 

"The  women  are  not  allowed  to  pray,  as  it  is  not 
believed  that  they  have  souls. 

"They  abandon  and  usually -burn  the  house  in 
which  anyone  dies. 

"They  are  the  only  non-fighting  savages  ever 
known. 

"They  shake  their  shoulders  for  yes  or  no;  never 
their  heads. 

"Ainu  children  have  very  large  stomachs,  often 
so  large  that  they  are  held  up  by  straps. 

"Their  penalty  for  murder  is  to  cut  the  tendons  in 
the  arms  and  legs  of  the  murderer  and  shun  him 
as  long  as  he  lives. 

"They  greet  no  one  with  words,  but  the  women 
stroke  their  hair  and  the  men  their  beards. 

"Mustaches  are  tattooed  upon  the  lips  of  girls  in 
their  childhood. 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  263 

"'They  bury  their  dead  secretly  in  carefully  con 
cealed  places. 

"They  have  no  customs,  characteristics  or  habits 
of  the  Japanese,  who  have  never  associated  with 
them." 

Passing  pavilions  and  exhibits,  no  matter  how 
well  classified  and  grouped,  has  its  swift  varieties, 
like  reading  a  dictionary,  but  there  are  certain  dainty 
or  luscious  tidbits  over  which  one  may  linger. 

In  an  exhibit  of  old  books,  Matilda  found  some 
very  old  titles.  Among  these,  she  noted  a  few  that 
were  written  in  Cromwell's  time. 

"A  pair  of  Bellows  to  blow  off  the  Dust  that  the 
Devil  has  cast  on  John  Fry." 

"The  Spiritual  Mustard  Pot  to  make  the  Souls  of 
the  Righteous  Sneeze  with  Devotion." 

"The  Gum  of  Patience  to  Stick  Fair  Souls  into 
Heavenly  Harmony." 

"High  Heels  to  Elevate  the  Squatted  Dwarfs  of 
Holiness." 

"Hooks  and  Eyes  to  Hold  Fast  the  Blessed  Gar 
ments  of  Believers." 

"Eggs  of  Charity  Layed  by  Chickens  of  the 
Covenant  and  Boiled  in  the  Holy  Water  of  Divine 
Love.  Take  Ye  and  Eat  Your  Fill." 

"Drug  Shop  of  the  Soul's  Apothecary  for  the 


264  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

Doctoring  of  Spirits  Sick  in  the  Dark  Iniquities  of 
Sin." 

In  a  volume  printed  in  1 5 1 1  by  Wynkyn  de  Worde 
were  a  number  of  queer  queries  that  were  odd 
enough  to  be  noted  in  the  curiosity  hunter's  diary. 

Who  was  Adam's  mother  ?    The  earth. 

How  many  calves'  tails  would  it  take  to  reach 
from  the  earth  to  the  sky  ?  One,'  if  it  were  long 
enough. 

What  is  it  that  never  was  and  never  will  be?  A 
mouse's  nest  in  a  cat's  ear. 

How  may  a  man  discover  a  cow  in  a  flock  of 
sheep?  By  eyesight,  if  one  is  there. 

What  is  it  that  can  not  be  frozen?  Boiling 
water. 

Which  was  first,  the  hen  or  the  egg  ?  The  mother 
of  both. 

How  many  straws  go  to  make  a  goose's  nest? 
None.  For,  having  neither  feet  nor  wings  they  can 
not  go. 

Who  killed  a  fourth  of  all  the  people  in  the  world  ? 
Cain. 

Who  is  the  oldest  lunatic  ?    Time  out  of  mind. 

How  can  you  make  a  slow  horse  fast?  Tie  him 
to  a  post. 

What  is  that  which  increases  according  as  you 
take  away  from  it?  A  hole.  - 

Among  the  quaint  books  was  one  known  as  the 


AND  HIS   NEIGHBORS  265 

Parrot  Book  translated  from  the  Persian.  There 
was  in  it  a  chapter  on  the  Perfect  Woman,  from 
which  Matilda  copied  its  "Seven  Ought-Nots"  and 
"Nine  Should-Bes,''  as  follows: 

t 

THE    SEVEN    OUGHT-NOTS. 

Not  always  merry  nor  sad. 
Not  always  musing  nor  talking. 
Not  always  unadorned  nor  dressy. 
Never  be  guilty  of  the  folly  of  vanity. 

THE   NINE  SHOULD-BES. 

Always  cheerful  without  levity. 
Always  thoughtful  without  dreaming. 
Always  persuasive  without  insistence. 
Always  attentive  without  fastidiousness. 
Always  modest  without  prudery. 
Always  loyal  without  slavery. 
Always  artistic  without  artifice. 
Always  goodness  without  ostentation. 
Always  be  sure  of  unassuming  sincerity. 

Uncle  Jeremiah  required  his  world's  fair  family 
to  gather  each  evening  in  his  room  for  a  mutual 
recounting  of  things  seen  and  learned  during  the 
day.  As  a  result,  he  was  able  to  direct  their  atten 
tion  in  a  discriminating  way  to  useful  things  and 
impress  upon  their  memories  by  repetition  and  his 
comment  the  educative  features  of  the  vast  show. 

From  a  pavilion  in  the  Palace  of  Education  on 
Sanitary  and  Hygienic  Science,  Ethelbert  brought 


266  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

a  gem  which  was  labeled  Franklin's  code.  Like 
all  of  Franklin's  economic  ideas,  it  was  a  fine  prac 
tical  chart  of  life. 

Temperance — Eat  not  to  fullness;  drink  "not  to 
elevation. 

Silence — Speak  not  but  what  may  benefit  others 
or  yourself;  avoid  trifling  conversation. 

Order — Let  all  your  things  have  their  places; 
let  each  part  of  your  business  have  its  time. 

Resolution — Resolve  to  perform  what  you  ought ; 
perform  without  fail  what  you  resolve. 

Frugality — Make  no  expense,  but  do  good  to 
others  or  yourself ;  that  is,  waste  nothing. 

Industry — Lose  no  time;  be  always  employed  in 
something  useful ;  cut  off  all  unnecessary  actions. 

Sincerity — Use  no  hurtful  deceit ;  think  innocent 
ly  and  justly;  and  if  you  speak,  speak  accordingly. 

Justice — Wrong  none  by  doing  injuries,  or  omit 
ting  the  benefits  that  are  your  duty. 

Moderation — Avoid  extremes;  forbear  resenting 
injuries. 

Cleanliness — Suffer  no  uncleanliness  in  body, 
clothes  or  habitation. 

Tranquility — Be  not  disturbed  about  trifles,  or/' 
at  accidents,  common  or  unavoidable. 

"One  of  the  most  interesting  things  I  have 
found,"  said  Ethelbert,  "in  the  course  of  my  eth 
nological  and  sociological  studies,  are  the  penal  in- 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  267 

flictions  of  the  Koreans.  For  treason,  the  man  is 
beheaded  with  all  his  male  relatives  to  the  fifth 
degree.  His  mother,  wife  and  daughter  are  either 
poisoned  or  sold  into  slavery.  If  a  woman  com 
mits  treason,  she  is  poisoned  and  that  is  all  of  it. 
For  murder,  the  man  is  beheaded,  and  his  wife  is 
poisoned.  If  the  murder  is  committed  by  a  woman 
she  is  poisoned  and  there  the  punishment  ends.  For 
theft,  the  man  may  have  his  choice  of  being 
strangled  or  decapitated.  In  small  offences,  he  may 
be  banished.  His  wife  in  either  case  is  sold  into 
slavery  and  his  property  is  confiscated.  For  the 
desecration  of  graves,  the  punishment  may  be  as 
severe  as  that  for  treason. 

"When  in  mourning  at  the  death  of  a  friend, 
they  wear  a  flopping  hat  four  feet  in  circumfer 
ence.  They  also  have  a  screen  of  lawn  before  their 
face  so  that  their  state  of  feelings  can  not  be  seen 
in  their  countenance." 

"Human  nature,"  said  Uncle  Jeremiah,  "develops 
according  to  the  same  laws  the  world  over.  Some 
original  and  inventive  savage  starts  a  fad.  It 
grows  into  a  custom  and  then  into  a  tribal  habit. 
Some  civilized  exquisite  or  prince  starts  a  fad  and 
it  grows  and  extends  in  the  direction  taken  till  it 
becomes  an  abominable  freak,  as  for  instance,  hoops 
and  mutton-leg  sleeves.  Social  customs  and  spec 
ulative  ideas  go  the  same  way,  as  we  can  see  through 


268  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

all  x  history  and  all  around  us,  unless  we  have  an 
anchor  in  the  immediate  surrounding  realities  of 
life. 

"I  verily  believe,"  he  added  as  a  conclusion,  "that 
savages,  according  to  their  intellectual  light,  have 
far  fewer  freaks  and  follies  to  their  account  than  the 
boasted  members  of  civilization.  It  must  be  ad 
mitted,  however,  that  barbarians  present  many 
stunning  customs  and  habits." 

Ethelbert  had  many  philosophical  doubts  about 
the  Patagonians  until  he  first  saw  them,  or  perhaps 
first  smelt  them,  for  they  are  reckoned  not  alone  the 
healthiest  race  in  the  world  but  the  filthiest.  He 
noted  specially  that  Magellan,  in  1520,  was  the  first 
white  visitor.  They  worship  the  sun  and  moon. 
Their  most  coveted  jewel  is  a  blue  bead.  Their  old 
women  become  so  shrivelled  and  ugly  that  they  are 
regarded  as  the  dwelling  place  of  demons.  They 
never  eat  fish  nor  allow  their  dogs  to  eat  meat.  The 
women  are  nearer  the  size  and  strength  of  the  men 
than  any  race  known.  They  were  the  only  tribes 
in  South  America  that  were  never  conquered.  They 
are  the  most  expert  bolo  throwers  in  the  world  and 
they  use  no  other  weapon  in  hunting. 

He  was  so  interested  in  the  Anthropological  ex 
hibit  that  he  insisted  on  taking  his  companions 
there  for  their  special  enlightenment  and  edification. 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  2r.O 

But  the  result  was  so  discouraging  that  he  made  the 
experiment  but  once. 

He  led  the  way  into  an  ethnological  exhibit  and 
learnedly  discussed  the  relics  before  his  feminine 
proteges. 

"Here,"  said  he,  "is  the  skull  of  Osceola.  who 
uttered  that  famous  poetical  composition  known  as 
"The  Seminole's  Defiance,"  wherein  he  defies  the 
paleface,  and  historically  says, 

"  *I  ne'er  will  ask  for  quarter 
And  I  ne'er  will  be  your  slave, 

But  I'll  swim  the  sea  of  slaughter, 
Till  I  sink  beneath  the  wave.'  ' 

"Really,  did  he  do  it,  Ethelbert?  That's  the  main 
pint,  did  he  do  it?"  inquired  Nora,  with  wholly  un 
becoming  incredulity. 

"Did  he  do  what?"  asked  Ethelbert,  in  perplexity. 

"Did  he  nivver  ask  for  the  quarter  and  was  he  at 
last  drowned  in  a  say  of  bluid?" 

"Go  on  and  read  the  history  of  it  yourself,"  said 
Ethelbert.  "It  makes  me  crazy  to  talk  to  you." 

"Ah !  I  thought  so,"  continued  Nora.  "You  be 
only  a  foolin'  ave  us.  Its  not  the  skull  of  the  In 
dian  after  all." 

"It  really  does  look  too  small,"  added  Matilda, 
to  his  further  discomfort. 


270 


Ethelbert  looked  so  pained  that  Nora  became 
compassionate  and  tried  to  assist  him. 

"It  may  be  he  is  right,  Matilda,"  she  interposed. 
"The  by  has  much  more  schooling  than  us  and  he 


"  The  Skull  of  Osceola." 

may  know  dead-and-gone  men's  skulls  at  sight,  and 
besides,  who  knows?  This  may  have  been  the  big 
Indian's  skull  whin  he  was  a  little  by." 

Squint  also  had  his  anthropological  conceptions 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  271 

badly  wrenched.  He  was  quite  excited  as  he  came 
up  to  his  first  view  of  the  noble  red-man  whose 
heroic  virtues  and  terrific  struggle  against  the  con 
quering  white  man  were  so  vividly  exalted  in  his 
youthful  imagination.  His  observation  of  the  first 
group  that  came  into  view  was  wholly  discouraging 
to  all  preconceived  notions.  Those  who  "slowly  and 
sadly  climbed  the  distant  mountains  and  read  their 
doom  in  the  setting  sun,"  were  before  him  pigeon- 
toed,  dirty  and  squalid,  lounging  in  native  laziness 
around  their  tepees,  on  the  western  borders  of  the 
grounds,  as  if  placed  there  in  order  to  be  typical  of 
their  western  positions  in  the  United  States.  Their 
hair  was  bound  up  in  red-flannel  like  horses'  tails 
when  such  animals  are  shipped  long  distances  by 
freight.  They  sported  turkey  wing  fans,  elk-tooth 
necklaces,  dirty  calico  shirts,  checkered  vests  and 
government  blankets. 

"Huh!"  exclaimed  Squint,  as  his  ideals  fell  with 
a  thump,  "I  like  niggers  better." 

A  group  of  specially  bedecked  braves,  including 
two  squaws,  came  out  as  though  going  on  a  social 
call,  and  the  Stumpburgians,  along  with  numerous 
others,  decided  to  follow  them,  as  their  path  led 
back  toward  civilization.  It  was  Chief  Tall  Crane 
of  the  Sioux,  leading  a  party  to  call  upon  the  Ig- 
orrotes.  They  were  admitted  to  -the  camp  and 
they  walked  around,  looking  keenly  at  the  naked 


272  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

savages.  The  combined  clothes  of  the  sav 
age  Igorrotes,  if  sewed  together,  would  not  have 
made  a  piece  of  cloth  large  enough  to  flag  a  freight 
train. 

"Naked!"  said  old  Tall  Crane,  with  a  wry  face. 

"Look  at  the  clothes!"  one  of  the  Igorrotes  said 
to  another. 

The  Sioux  wandered  around  the  camp  of  the 
Igorrotes  for  half  an  hour,  but  apparently  did  not 
enjoy  themselves.  An  interpreter  said  that  they 
were  disgusted  with  the  nakedness  of  the  Igorrotes 
and  declared  that  they  were  savages  and  were  not 
American  citizens.  Chief  Tall  Crane  looked  the 
nude  people  over  critically  and  shook  his  head. 

"Not  good  people,"  he  grunted. 

While  the  Sioux  wandered  about  the  camp  they 
kept  their  clothes  even  tighter  around  them,  bring 
ing  up  the  ends  of  their  blankets  so  that  scarcely 
their  ankles  showed.  They  were  much  interested 
when  told  that  the  Government  had  made  the  Igor- 
rote  women  wear  coats,  even  if  the  coats  were  not 
buttoned  up,  for  by  the  coats  the  women  were  dis 
tinguished  from  the  men. 

Very  few  Igorrotes  wore  more  than  a  breech  clout, 
and  men  and  women  were  dressed  the  same,  except 
that  the  women  wore  a  coat  or  a  coarse  blouse. 

"How  do  you  like  them?"  was  asked  of  Tall 
Crane. 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


273 


"Ugh !"  he  replied,  and  snook  his  head. 

The  Igorrotes  seemed  much  interested  in  the 
Indians,  particularly  in  the  gorgeous  blankets  and 
headdresses  and  feathers,  and  the  painted  faces,  for 
the  Indians  were  in  full  dress. 

Several  Negritos  were  washing  some  clothes  with 


-Uhl   Heap  Naked!" 

their  feet  in  the  creek  and  the  Indians  stopped  to 
watch  them,  evidently  interested.  The  Negritos 
simply  kicked  their  clothes  around  in  the  water  with 
their  feet  and  then  wrung  them  out,  spreading 
them  on  the  bank  to  dry.  Then  they  waded  in  them 
selves.  They  did  not  use  their  hands  to  bathe  their 
bodies. 


274  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"That's  the  way  dogs  wash,"  said  one  of  the 
Indians,  according  to  the  interpreter. 

The  Sioux  were  also  interested  in  seeing  a  man 
clip  the  wings  of  the  chickens  so  that  they  could  not 
fly.  The  scheme  was  explained  to  them,  but  their 
faces  showed  nothing  of  what  they  thought  of  the 
scheme.  When  an  Igorrote  tried  to  get  up  a  fight 
between  two  roosters,  however,  the  Indians  grinned 
as  if  it  were  something  they  understood  and  liked. 

A  little  later  the  Stumpburgians  were  passing  the 
life-saving  lake,  where  an  exhibition  of  life-saving 
appliances  was  taking  place. 

"Look  at  the  life-savers,"  exclaimed  Helena. 
"Look  at  them  shooting  that  clothes  line  out  to  the 
swimmer,  around  that  drowning  boat.  What  are 
they  doing  that  for?" 

"Dont  you  see?"  replied  Nora.  "They  want  to 
save  the  gintlemen's  clothes  first,  and  the  boat  af 
terwards." 

Quite  a  gale  was  blowing  and  there  was  frequent 
chasing  of  hats  that  became  quite  ludicrous.  A  dig 
nified  old  gentleman  made  a  wild  leap  for  his  hat 
but  succeeded  only  in  striking  it  a  blow  that  made  it 
go  up  like  a  foul  ball.  With  the  true  instinct  of  a 
catcher,  Squint  ran  out  and  caught  it  on  the  fly. 

"Here's  yer  straw  pile,  mister,"  he  said,  tendering 
the  unharmed  hat  to  its  owner. 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  27b 

"Thank  you,  my  boy,"  he  replied.  "That  was  a 
good  catch.  I  ought  to  have  a  string  tied  to  it." 

"No,  sir,"  promptly  answered  Squint.  "You 
ain't  got  the  right  kind  of  head.  You  orter  have  a 
head  that  you  can  push  fur  enough  up  into  it  to 
hold  it  on  like  mine." 

"Much  obleeged  to  you,  my  boy,"  returned  the 
man.  "If  I  can  find  a  place  where  they  remodel 
heads  at  a  reasonable  price,  I'll  have  mine  fixed 
over." 

"Is  that  the  nearest  way  to  the  Moro  village?" 
Uncle  Jeremiah  inquired  of  a  guard,  pointing  to  the 
way  by  Arrow  Head  Lake. 

"Yes,  sir,"  he  answered,  "if  you  take  the  right 
road." 

Nora  looked  puzled. 

"Anyhow,"  she  inquired,  "are  we  half  way 
there?" 

"That  depends  whether  you  start  from  here  or 
Chicago,"  he  replied. 

"Well,  who'd  a  thought  it,"  she  mused.  "Sure 
this  show  do  make  people  awful  smart.  I'm  glad 
I  corned." 

"Come  on,  August,"  called  Uncle  Jeremiah,  as 
they  saw  him  standing  spell-bound  before  an  anchor 
on  the  shore  near  one  of  the  life-saving  boats. 

"Go  on,"  he  called  back.     "I'm.  going  to  wait 


276  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

here  till  the  man  comes  along  as  uses  this  pick.     I 
never  saw  a  giant." 

A  guard  near  by  enlightened  him  and  he  came 
on  much  disgusted  with  the  general  unfitness  of 
things. 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


277 


CHAPTER  XVII. 

ASTONISHING    EVENTS    MADE    TO   ORDER. 

Great  fairs  are  worth  their  cost,  not  for  any  special 
values  they  confer  but  upon  the  general  awaken 
ing,  broadening  view,  and  general  comprehension 
given  to  all  who  thus  travel  the  industrial  and  art 
world  over  through  their  scenes  and  instruction. 
Perhaps  no  two  ever  receive  even  similar  influences, 
impressions  and  impulses  or  carry  away  the  same 
benefits.  Older  persons  are  especially  contempla 
tive  over  these  thoughts. 

Uncle  Jeremiah  earnestly,  meditated  upon  these 
ideas,  as  he  sat  that  evening  upon  a  bench  by  the 
Louisiana  monument,  when  his  light-hearted  and 
animated  companions  left  him  alone  to  seek  the  ex 
citements  that  had  no  charm  for  him. 

The  newspapers  of  that  morning  contained  head 
lines  made  from  wireless  telegrams  sent  from  inac 
cessible  places  in  the  Japanese-Russian  war  to  the 
stations  of  the  transpacific  cables. 

That  day  he  had  seen  air-ships,  that  were  no 
longer  toys,  but  too  much  feared  yet  to  be  of  any 
considerable  practical  service. 

In  the  afternoon  he  had  seen  an  exhibition  of 
radium,  a  small  bit  of  most  precious  metal  from 

378 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  279 

pitchblende,  which  gave  off  an  endless  bombard 
ment  of  force  without  any  known  loss  in  power  or 
weight.  He  heard  the  lecturer  speak  of  N-rays 
emanating  from  the  human  body,  which  were  re 
cently  discovered  but  as  yet  wholly  unkown. 

In  the  Liberal  Arts  building  was  a  miniature 
fountain  with  indescribable  colors  playing  through 
the  streams  of  water,  caused  by  the  weird  effects  of 
the  mercury  incandescent  vapor  light,  devoid  of  red 
in  the  spectrum  rays,  penetrating  the  sparkling 
sprays.  It  was  near  the  beauty  of  the  northern 
lights  reproduced  by  man. 

The  five  acre  map  of  the  United  States  in  which 
every  locality  had  its  special  growing  vegetation, 
represented  the  fair  as  a  mammoth  educational  in 
stitution,  and  yet  only  a  hundred  years  before, 
President  Jefferson  bought  Louisiana  from  Napo 
leon.  But  every  ten  years  made  the  previous  ten 
years  old  from  the  wonders  of  new  inventions. 
There  seemed  to  be  no  use  to  enumerate  or  to  try 
to  keep  pace  with  progress.  Behold,  every  new 
thing  was  so  soon  old. 

In  the  midst  of  his  reverie,  the  great  search  light 
suddenly  flared  against  the  sky.  Then  it  plunged 
a  telescopic  funnel  of  fierce  brilliancy  through 
gloomy  places  along  the  earth  startling  into  sudden 
vision  the  multitudinous  objects  in  its  course,  then  as 


280  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

suddenly  leaving  them  swallowed  up  in  the  black 
ened  night. 

Thus  we  have  progressed  so  far,  and  life  has  been 
so  infinitely  improved.  Science  has  brought  forth 
realizations  beyond  all  the  dreams  of  the  past  and 
yet  to  the  past  we  owe  all  the  vast  opportunities 
now  open  before  the  people  of  the  world. 

The  complacency  and  self-sufficiency  of  the  pres 
ent  great  boasts  of  progress  have  little  substance 
when  we  remember  how  much  we  owe  to  the  es 
sential  required  beginnings.  But  what  a  lot  there 
is  yet  to  learn,  what  inconceivable  things  we  are 
incapable  of  doing  which  future  generations  will  do 
as  our  superiors,  as  we  are  the  superiors  in  means  to 
the  darkest  past. 

So  with  individuals.  Older  persons  might  muse 
while  the  younger  ones  were  sentimental  or  frivo 
lous.  These  light-thoughted  youngsters  were, stor 
ing  substance  for  future  use.  It  was  so  with  the 
young  people  he  was  striving  to  guide  and  guard. 
He  was  glad  to  have  them  delighted  in  their  own 
immediate  interests.  The  day  brought  forth  many 
individual  characteristics  that  furnished  material 
for  his  reflections. 

Matilda  found  many  things  to  enlist  her  sym 
pathy  and  sentiment,  typical  of  girlhood,  even 
though  it  was  often  grievously  misplaced.  The 
story  of  Grace  Darling  and  '.er  heroic  labor  with 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS       .  281 

her  father  in  saving1  the  lives  of  shipwrecked  sailors 
was  especially  inwrought  upon  her  mind.  She  was 
told  that  the  very  boat  which  had  been  used  in  these 
heroic  deeds,  and  which  her  parents  had  really  seen 
eleven  years  before  in  the  Columbian  Exposition  at 
Chicago,  was  also  now  in  the  transportation  build 
ing  at  the  Fair.  She  inquired  for  it  and  some  one 
pointed  it  out.  She  looked  over  it  with  inspired 
imagination  and  was  weeping  copiously  when  Ethel- 
bert  came  up  and  wanted  to  know  if  she  was  sick. 

She  indignantly  informed  him  that  this  was  the 
heroic  Grace  Darling's  boat.  He  incredulously 
walked  around  it  and  read  the  statement,  "Oyster 
boat  used  in  Chesapeake  Bay." 

"Crying  over  an  oyster  boat,"  he  assured  her. 
"You'd  better  save  your  weeps  for  something  that 
needs  them." 

"She  looked  at  the  sign  on  the  boat,  hastily  dried 
her  tears  and  busied  herself  with  something  else. 

About  the  same  time  Nora  saw  a  statement  that 
made  her  very  indignant  at  the  deception  of  the 
sensation  makers  of  the  exposition. 

"Look  at  that  boat,"  said  she,  "look  at  the  loi 
pinned  on  its  bosom.  The  innocent  thing  to  have 
to  show  such  hepocrasy  to  the  papel." 

"What's  the  matter  with  it?"  inquired  Uncle 
Jeremiah. 

"Mather!     What's  the  mather  with  it?     Look 


282  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

wance  what  it  says.  It  says,  'this  boat  is  six  thou 
sand  years  old.' ' 

"How  do  you  know  it's  a  lie?"  he  asked. 

"Loi !  Why  ave  coorse  it's  a  loi.  How  can  it 
be  six  thousand  year  old  whin  it's  now  only  the 
year  nointane  hundred  an'  foor." 

Uncle  Jeremiah  had  learned  even  when  Nora 
was  a  little  girl  that  argument  with  her  was  like  a 
poodle  playing  with  a  ball  of  yarn.  The  more  there 
was  of  it,  the  worse  tangled  up  every  one  became 
and  it  was  always  best  to  let  her  come  to  her  own 
conclusions  without  help. 

During  the  morning,  Uncle  Jeremiah  had  taken 
his  neighbors  to  the  animal  show  in  the  Pike,  and 
once  inside  they  began  to  absorb  everything  visible. 

"Here,  don't  bother  that  ape  while  he  eats," 
yelled  an  attendant  as  Nora  threw  some  popcorn 
before  that  solemn  looking  animal  which  was 
chained  to  the  cage  just  inside  the  ropes.  "He 
dont'  like  it  and  is  liable  to  bite." 

"Indade,"  she  replied,  "I'd  pity  the  poor  cray- 
ture  if  he  isn't  liable  to  bite  when  he  ates  his  meals. 
It's  a  big  gullet  he  would  have  to  have,  he  would 
if  he  didn't." 

Helena  was  studying  the  back  of  a  camel. 

"What's  he  got  that  hump  on  him  for?" 

"You  ought  to  know  that,"  said  Squint  in  dis- 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  283 

gust.  "What  'ud  folks  pay  to  see  him  for  if  he 
didn't?" 

Matilda  was  gazing  thoughtfully  upon  some 
mummies,  from  which  the  wrappings  were  partly 
unloosed. 

"Poor  things!  poor  things,"  she  sighed,  "how 
merciful  is  Providence  that  these  poor  people  did 
not  know  they  would  sometime  look  like  this  and  be 
exposed  so  to  the  gaze  of  strangers." 

Uncle  Jeremiah  was  looking  abstractly  into  the 
cage  of  kangaroos. 

"Do  you  know,"  said  Ethelbert,  patronizingly, 
"these  peculiar  animals  have  a  pocket  in  the  skin 
right  over  their  stomachs?" 

"What's  it  for?"  inquired  Squint,  edging  in. 

"Why  you  ignoramabus,"  exclaimed  Nora. 
"Any  wan  ought  to  know  that  it's  for  the  crayturea 
to  crawl  into  and  consale  thimselves  from  view  when 
pursood." 

"Koom  here,  Nora,"  interrupted  August. 
"Koom  here  kvick,  and  see  the  devil  fish." 

Nora  looked  wildly  around. 

"Get  away  from  him,"  she  cried.  "It's  hard 
enough  to  kape  you  and  auld  Nick  apart  down  at 
hoom  without  you  making  his  acquaintance  here." 

Ethelbert  was  more  interested  in  the  embalmed 
body  of  a  shark  which  he  had  just  discovered. 


284 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


"You  wouldn't  be  more  than  half  a  bite,"  he 
said  to  Squint. 

"It's  a  man-eating  shark,"  replied  Squint,  "and 
he'd  never  see  me  or  you." 


Peculiar  Animals. 

"Is  that  why  he  is  called  a  man-eating  shark?" 
inquired  Matilda. 

"No,"  answered  Ethelbert,  quite  disgusted,  "it's 
because  he  has  no  taste  for  women." 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  285 

Helena  was  meanwhile  looking  at  an  elephant 
whose  tusks  were  sawed  off  close  and  whose  eyes 
were  closed  as  if  he  were  taking  a  nap.  His  head 
was  lowered,  his  big  ears  lay  close,  and  his  back 
was  humped  up  with  his  feet  near  together. 

"What  puzzles  you?"  inquired  Uncle  Jeremiah. 

"Such  a  funny  elephant,"  she  said.  "Here's  his 
tail,  but  the  other  end  hasn't  got  any  horns  or 
trunk." 

Just  then  the  keeper  came  by  and  gave  the  som 
nolent  beast  a  prod  with  a  pole.  He  expanded  like 
a  jack  knife  and  gave  a  grunt,  followed  by  a  cough 
that  made  Squint  yell  with  delight  and  Helena  shriek 
in  sudden  consternation. 

After  satisfying  their  curiosity  among  the  won 
ders  of  the  animal  kingdom,  they  returned  past  the 
big  elephant,  where  Matilda  read  the  sign,  "This 
is  the  largest  of  living  ruminating  animals." 

"What  does  that  mean?"  she  asked. 

"I  know,"  interposed  Helena.  "It's  one  that 
chews  its  cub." 

The  so-called  heathen  are  very  quick  to  adopt 
methods  of  their  superiors,  and  sometimes  with 
ludicrous  or  disastrous  results,  as  they  learned  from 
an  incident  on  the  Pike. 

One  who  had  togged  himself  out  in  approved 
American  style  saw  a  workman  taking  grease  spots 
out  of  cloth  with  gasoline.  Presently  he  came  in 


286  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

contact  with  a  bit  of  recently  oiled  machinery  that 
gave  the  seat  of  his  trousers  a  variegated  aspect. 
In  his  consternation  he  remembered  the  virtues  of 
gasoline  and  forthwith  applied  a  copious  quantity 
to  the  seat  of  trouble.  Before  it  had  sufficiently 
evaporated,  he  saw  an  Irishman  strike  a  match  in 
the  posterior  regions  and  draw  forth  a  flame  with 
which  to  light  his  pipe.  Having  a  cigarette  and  a 
match,  the  Irishman's  act  sugested  the  new-found 
use  of  American  trouser  legs.  He  tried  it.  There 
was  a  flame  and  a  sound  of  howling  consternation. 
He  didn't  have  money  enough  to  buy  him  a  new 
pair,  and,  not  having  cloth  to  match,  he  used  a 
piece  of  blue  horseblanket. 

"That  is  the  story,"  said  a  communicative  chair 
pusher,  "that  we  tell  to  all  who  ask  if  the  seat 
patches  on  our  dog-eating  brethren  are  there  because 
of  fashion,  custom  or  style." 

Nora  had  often  heard  of  the  wonders  of  the 
phonograph  and  she  was  very  anxious  to  hear  one. 
Uncle  Jeremiah  took  her  into  the  exhibit  in  the 
Liberal  Arts  building,  and  got  her  before  the  instru 
ment  with  the  tubes  in  her  ears.  Her  credulity  and 
her  doubts  were  in  a  fierce  struggle  before  the  voice 
rang  forth  to  announce  the  song  that  was  to  follow. 
Until  this  happened  to  engage  her  attention,  she 
looked  as  if  she  were  sure  that  she  was  being  made 
the  victim  of  a  serious  joke.  At  the  sound  of  the 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


287 


voice,  she  grasped  the  ear-pieces  ready  for  any 
emergencies.  The  look  of  doubt  was  suddenly 
transfixed  with  wonder,  which  melted  into  a  broad 
grin.  Presently,  her  head  began  to  wig-wag  and 
her  feet  to  set  up  an  uneasy  shuffle. 

"What  is  it  doing?"  eagerly  inquired  Squint. 


There  Was  a  Flame. 

"Hist!"  she  exclaimed,  "don't  spake  for  ye  may 
be  after  scarin'  the  burrid,  and  he's  dancin'  the 
'Wearing  of  the  Green.' ' 

Uncle  Jeremiah  quickly  got  Squint  a  place  at 
another  phonograph  and  left  Nora  alone  in  her 
ecstasy  of  reminiscent  pleasure. 

A  terrific  tearing  sound  was  heard  a  few  aisles 
away  and  Squint  hurried  away  to  a  place  where  they 


288  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

were  imitating  lightning.  Presently  he  came  run 
ning  back  in  great  excitement  to  Nora. 

"Say,  come  here,"  he  cried.  "I've  found  a  place 
where  you  can  look  at  your  bones  and  see  how  your 
liver  works." 

Nora  stared  at  him  aghast  at  this  new  wonder 
and  pressed  her  sides  as  if  she  had  found  a  pain. 

"Go  on,"  she  exclaimed.  "I  don't  want  to  see 
my  inwards.  I've  seen  the  insides  of  hogs.  That's 
close  enough." 

She  turned  to  go  another  way  where  there  was 
no  danger  of  running  into  such  a  tell-tale  machine, 
but  met  August  and  Ethelbert,  both  of  whom  in 
sisted  that  she  should  investigate  the  mysteries  of 
the  X-ray. 

Ethelbert  paid  a  small  fee  and  placed  August 
before  the  greenish  tinted  globe.  The  greyish  shade 
was  placed  over  Nora's  eyes  and  she  uttered  a 
scream.  August  had  taken^off  his  flesh  and  stood 
there  in  his  bones. 

Ethelbert  took  the  shade  from  her  and  placed  it 
over  his  own  eyes.  He  began  to  count  August's 
ribs. 

"Only  twenty-three,"  he  said.  "One  is  missing. 
Where  is  it  ?  Where's  that  bone  ?" 

"You've  got  it !"  he  shouted  at  Nora  and  she 
fled,  leaving  them  to  their  gruesome  amusement. 

The  Stumpburg  neighbors  in  their  wanderings 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  289 

during  the  day  found  themselves  near  one  of  the 
big  balloons  and  it  was  an  object  of  considerable 
curiosity  and  interest. 

"What  haf  they  got  that  big  rope  hanging  to  it 
for?"  asked  August. 

"Sure,  you  stupid,  don't  you  see,"  replied  Nora, 
"that  the  ballooners  must  have  something  to  climb 
down  on  if  the  balloon  blows  oop?" 

Squint  had  meanwhile  been  investigating  on  his 
own  account.  Seeing  a  loop  for  a  foothold  dangling 
from  the  rope  near  the  ground,  he  put  his  foot  into 
it  .and  stretched  himself  along  the  taut  rope.  The 
attendant  gave  the  crank  a  turn  on  the  supporting 
windlass  and  Squint  was  suddenly  lifted  ten  feet 
or  more  from  the  ground. 

"Hi!  there,"  he  yelled,  "don't  do  it  some  more 
or  I'll  cut  the  string  of  yer  old  gas  bag  an'  ye  won't 
see  it  any  more." 

August  had  become  hungry  and  that  meant  meal 
time  with  him.  He  led  the  crowd  to  a  restaurant. 
As  no  one  at  the  tables  seemed  to  be  getting  anything 
but  very  light  lunches,  he  inquired  when  the  cook 
would  have  dinner  ready. 

"From  three  to  six,"  was  the  reply.  "It  will  be 
ready  in  ten  minutes." 

"Wot  a  pile  they  must  have  to  eat !"  he  exclaimed. 
"At  Stumpburg  we  eat  from  twelve  till  we  get 
done." 


290  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

They  all  took  seats  at  the  tables  expectantly  and 
waited  not  only  ten  minutes,  but  two  or  three  times 
that  period,  then  the  amount  of  food  brought  was 
much  less  than  a  three  hours'  repast.  But  the  vis 
itors  had  learned  patience.  Helena  was  wrestling 
with  a  piece  of  chicken  almost  as  tough  as  beef 
gristle." 

"Use  your  fingers,"  urged  Nora.  "They  were 
made  before  forks." 

"Mine  weren't,"  she  asserted.  "'Sides  that  the 
chicken's  so  tough  I  can't  even  stick  my  fork  in  the 
gravy."  Then  she  went  on  as  before  till  she  de 
cided  that  neither  tools,  fingers,  teeth,  nor  stomach 
could  do  the  work. 

"You  poor  child,"  said  Nora,  compassionately, 
"leave  it  for  some  one  with  older  teeth,  and  may  its 
cook  serve  you  better  some  time  with  this  poor 
fowl's  last  son  that  has  got  fat  pecking  and  scratch 
ing  'round  his  tomb." 

"Now,  August,"  she  continued,  "it's  you  as  must 
pay  for  bringing  us  here  to  ate  where  all  we  could 
get  was  in  the  taste  of  trying." 

August  paid  and  presently  they  dropped  into  the 
place  of  magic  mirrors  where  it  was  said  that  each 
person  could  see  three  hundred  reflections  of  him 
self  in  all  kinds  of  distortions  big  and  little. 

"Here's  the  place  to  behold  your  vanity,"  said 
Uncle  Jeremiah. 


AND  HIo  NEIGHBORS  291 

"Yes,  and  lose  it,"  asserted  Nora,  "as  quick  as 
an  ice-cream  brick  goes  back  on  itself  in  the  sun. 
Who  wouldn't  want  to  forgit  himself  whin  he  is  so 
frail  that  nature  can  play  such  tricks  with  his 
shape?" 

Half  an  hour  later  they  were  in  the  Chinese  Joss 
house. 

"Do  you  know,"  said  Ethelbert,  in  another  at 
tempt  to  enlighten  his  companions,  "the  Chinese 
people  are  more  than  six  thousand  years  old  ?" 

"Dear  me,"  replied  Nora.  "Appearances  are 
rayelly  decaven.  They  don't  look  to  be  over  thirty 
or  foorty." 

"They  have  many  strange  customs,"  continued 
Ethelbert  undaunted.  "A  man  condemned  to  have 
his  head  cut  off,  can  hire  another  man  to  take  his 
place." 

"Poor  fellows,"  said  Nora  in  a  burst  of  sympathy, 
"what  a  hard  way  to  earn  a  living." 

Squint  as  usual  was  investigating  for  himself. 
He  suddenly  glided  over  to  Helena  and  mysterious 
ly  whisked  her  through  an  alleyway  of  nightmare 
idols,  to  a  place  where  they  could  see  through  a 
door  into  a  little  cubby-hole  room  where  there  was 
a  Chinese  baby  sitting  on  a  mat.  Matilda,  having 
seen  this  hasty  flight,  followed  to  see  what  mystery 
could  have  excited  Squint  so  much,  and  she  too  ap 
peared  at  the  door. 


292  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

The  mother  took  up  the  child  and  hobbled  to  the 
door,  proud  to  show  it  to  the  children. 

"Such  a  pretty,  pretty  baby,"  said  Matilda. 
"Yes!  Baby  slick  in  arm.  Doctor  baptize  heem 
wit  small-pox  in  arm.  See!  See!" 

She  held  up  the  arm  with  a  sore  spot  near  the 
shoulder. 

"O,  I  see,"  said  Matilda.     "He  is  vaccinated." 

"Yes!  Yes!  I  see!  I  see!"  she  exclaimed. 
"He  not  die  soon.  No!  No!" 

Matilda  also  repeated  "No,  no,"  several  times  to 
reassure  her  and  thanked  her  for  letting  them  touch 
the  baby's  hands. 

If  any  one  wanted  to  see  and  hear  the  last  ex 
treme  of  humanity  and  pessimism,  he  should  listen 
to  Chinese  conversation. 

From  their  expressions,  one  would  suppose  they 
were  sunk  into  the  last  depths  of  self-debasement 
and  were  a  nation  of  pessimists.  But  it  may  be 
doubted  whether  the  professed  abasement  of  ordi 
nary  conversation  may  not  really  be  a  covert  agran-; 
dizement  of  self  in  order  that  he  who  seems  humble 
may  become  exalted  by  those  with  whom  he  speaks. 
"What  is  your  magnificent  appellation?"  "My  con 
temptible  name  is  Wang."  "Where  is  your 
glorious  palace?"  "My  dirty  little  hut  is  at  Shu- 
shan."  "How  many  are  your  lordship's  noble  off 
spring?"  "My  ugly,  simpering,  idiotic  brats  are 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  293 

five."  Such  a  conversation  between  two  Chinese 
gentlemen  does  not  indicate  pride  on  the  part  of  the 
one  or  humility  on  that  of  the  other,  but  simply 
a  conventional  form  of  speech  to  which  neither 
pays  more  than  passing  attention. 

The  Ceylon  pavilion,  however,  is  the  place  where 
girls  are  most  puzzled  to  know  just  what  is  what. 
The  Singhalese  are  a  source  of  the  most  feminine 
wonder  when  it  comes  to  garments. 

The  particular  habiliments  that  most  interest  the 
Fair  visitors  are  the  skirts  and  combs  of  the  Sing 
halese  men. 

The  skirt  is  an  indescribable  garment  from  a 
masculine  standpoint.  It  is  a  divided  affair  of  mys 
terious  construction. 

The  combs  are  in  the  shape  of  a  horseshoe  and 
are  worn  on  the  top  of  the  head.  The  points  of 
the  horseshoe  are  in  the  front,  the  curved  part  in 
the  back. 

"Wonder  if  it's  real  tortoise  shell?"  said  Matilda. 
The  man  who  wore  the  comb  heard  her  and  replied 
affirmatively. 

"Why  do  you  wear  it?"  asked  the  girl  near  her. 

"For  the  same  reason  you  wear  a  hat,"  answered 
the  Singhalese.  "Combs  are  the  hats  of  my  coun 
try." 


CHAPTER  XVIII. 

SMARTNESS    AND    ITS    TRIBULATIONS. 

Ethelbert  thought  he  had  all  the  smartness,  and, 
without  any  doubt  he  had  most  of  the  vanity  of 
his  party,  but  numerous  things  happened  to  cause 
him,  by  the  time  of  his  return  home,  to  carry  his 
vanity  back  in  as  badly  damaged  a  condition  as  the 
proverbial  can  that  has  accompanied  a  dog's  tail. 
World's  fairs  have  that  virtue  of  revealing  to  some 
persons  that  there  are  others  in  the  world.  It  is  a 
pretty  good  leveler.  Next  to  the  last  day  had  come 
and  Ethelbert  had  really  had  no  greatly  impressive 
adventure.  But  he  was  not  to  be  thus  slighted. 

Early  in  the  morning  after  they  had  passed  the 
turnstiles,  he  disappeared,  and  nothing  was  seen  of 
him  for  the  rest  of  the  day. 

"Where  on  earth  have  you  been?"  inquired  Ma 
tilda,  as  he  came  buoyantly  in  and  took  his  accus 
tomed  place  with  them  at  the  evening  dinner  table. 

"I've  had  one  ge-lorious  time,"  he  replied  in  rather 
exalted  glee.  "I've  been  entertaining  a  prince.  It 
cost  me  about  three  dollars  but  it  was  worth  it." 

"A  prince!"  exclaimed  Uncle  Jeremiah,  incredu 
lously.  "What  prince?" 

"Uncle  Jeremiah,"  said  the  boy,  enthusiastically, 

294 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  295 

"he  was  the  finest  fellow  I  ever  met.  His  title  is 
Prince  of  Podunk,  Kingdom  of  Sahara.  His  father 
is  Emperor  Labaudy,  who  was  born  in  Paris  and 
was  enthroned  to  insure  the  predominance  of 
France  in  Africa.  I  am  invited  to  visit  him  at  any 
time  in  the  royal  palace  of  Podunk,  where  I  will  be 
entertained  with  all  the  honors  of  a  prince." 

"The  fool  that  is  sent  to  roam  will  ne'er  exceed 
the  fool  that's  kept  at  home.'  "  quoted  Uncle  Jere 
miah.  "The  boy  that  wears  a  dunce  cap  ought  to 
know  enough  to  know  that  Podunk  is  the  nickname 
for  Stumpburg,  and  that  Sahara  is  a  desert  in 
capable  of  having  a  king." 

"Hark!"  interrupted  Squint.  "You  don't  mean 
it's  the  gent  I  saw  you  feeding  ice  cream  to  back  of 
the  Festival  Hall  at  noon  is  it?" 

"Yes." 

"Ha!  ha!"  laughed  Squint.  "I  heard  him  ask 
another  feller  to  take  his  place  oiling  the  dynamos 
while  he  enjoyed  the  show  with  the  country  Rube 
that  was  setting  them  up." 

Ethelbert's  appetite  left  him.  His  plate  of  green 
turtle  soup  was  only  half  consumed  when  he  asked 
to  be  excused,  and,  in  consideration  for  his  feel 
ings,  the  request  was  granted. 

"Egotism,"  said  Uncle  Jeremiah,  "is  a  thousand- 
legged  worm  with  corns  on  every  toe.  Only  spread 


296 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


Prince  of  Podunk" 


AND  HIS   NEIGHBORS  297 

yourself  out  in  a  crowd  and  every  corn  will  be  duly 
tramped  on." 

Uncle  Jeremiah  tried  to  impress  this  advice  upon 
Ethelbert  but  it  never  penetrated  deeper  nor  stayed 
longer  than  a  shower  upon  a  duck's  back.  He  was 
all  the  time  getting  the  worst  of  it,  even  in  ordinary 
every-day  verbal  encounters. 

"  Here's  a  nickel,  my  good  friend,"  he  said  to  a 
street  beggar.  "Will  you  kindly  tell  me  how  you 
came  to  be  this  way?" 

"I  will,"  said  the  beggar,  "and  may  you  take  the 
warning  before  it  is  too  late.  I  was  generous  like 
you,  and  ruined  myself  giving  all  I  had  to  the 
poor." 

Ethelbert  thought  over  this  all  the  way  to  the 
barber  shop,  where  he  was  going  to  have  his  hair 
trimmed,  but  could  not  quite  make  out  the  signifi 
cance  of  the  warning. 

"Want  a  hair-cut?"  asked  the  barber,  as  Ethel 
bert  settled  himself  in  the  chair. 

"Want  a  hair-cut,"  he  repeated.  "Yes,  and  more 
than  that.  I  want  two,  three,  four  and  so  on,  cut 
until  they  are  all  cut." 

"All  right,  young  smarty,"  replied  the  barber. 

When  the  job  was  done,  Ethelbert  gave  him  a 
half  dollar.  The  barber  put  it  into  the  till  and 
returned  no  change. 

"Don't  I  get  a  quarter  back?"  inquired  Ethelbert. 


298  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"Your  sign  says,  'First-class  hair-cut  for  twenty- 
five  cents/  ' 

"That's  true,"  replied  the  barber,  "but  your  hair 
is  not  first-class,  so  we  charge  double." 

"I  suppose  a  duel  with  a  barber  is  what  we  call 
playing  with  edge  tools,"  said  Ethelbert,  as  he 
ambled  toward  the  door. 

"No,"  returned  the  barber,  "we  use  only  clippers 
and  sheep-shears  on  boys." 

Ethelbert  had  frequent  similar  encounters  in  the 
fair  grounds.  Following  his  experience  in  the  bar 
ber  shop,  he  found  an  opportunity  to  talk  to  a  buxom 
young  woman  from  Hawaii,  while  in  the  quest  of 
sociological  information. 

"When  did  your  people  first  discover  Hawaii?" 
he  asked. 

"How  know?"  she  questioned,  "I  know  not  when 
me  was  discovered." 

"Anyway,  can't  you  tell  me,"  he  asked,  "how 
many  people  inhabit  your  country?" 

"I  tell  you  better  how  many  shirts  my  man  has." 

Ethelbert  went  away  writing  in  his  note-book, 
"The  Hawaian  native  women  are  very  ignorant." 

Smartness  is  one  of  the  hardest  hobbies  to  ride' 
and  it  is  usually  found  much  better  to  walk,  but  the 
young  man  who  gets  into  the  habit  rarely  loses  an 
opportunity  to  ride  as  long  as  his  vanity  lasts. 

August  was  standing  in  the  corner  drug  store 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  299 

when  Ethelbert  came  in  for  some  mucilage  to  seal 
a  letter.  Pointing  to  the  open  mucilage  bottle,  he 
said,  "I  want  something  with  a  stick  in  it." 

"Wy  say  you  that?"  asked  August,  as  the  clerk 
promptly  gave  Ethelbert  the  bottle  of  mucilage 
with  the  brush  in  it.  The  young  man  explained 
that  the  expression  meant  any  soft  drink  with  a  bit 
of  whisky  in  it.  August  thought  it  very  funny  and 
went  back  to  his  group  of  friends  in  the  hotel. 

"Haw!  haw!"  he  laughed.  "I  want  to  tell  you 
somedings  funny.  I  want  a  drink  very  hard  an'  I 
say  I  want  a  bottle  wid  some  wood  in  it.  That 
means  whisky.  You  don't  laugh?  You  see  no 
choke?  Well,  it  was  funny  wen  I  heard  it.  I  sup 
pose  it  now  got  too  old." 

August  and  Nora  were  becoming  very  confi 
dential.  They  went  walking  along  the  street  to 
gether  that  evening  when  they  came  upon  a  man 
selling  trinkets  from  a  satchel  opened  out  on  a 
portable  camp  stool.  As  they  approached,  he  was 
amusing  the  crowd  by  sneezing  silver  dollars  out  of 
his  nose. 

"That's  an  easy  way  to  make  a  living,"  said  Nora, 
unless  it  costs  too  much  to  put  them  there." 

"Do  you  rayelly  get  them  from  where  you  pre- 
tind  to?"  she  asked  the  juggler. 

"I  rayelly  do,  he  answered. 

"Let  us  see  you  do  it  again,"  said  August. 


300 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


The  juggler  repeated  the  act. 

"Indade,"  exclaimed  Nora,  "he  rayelly  did  did 
it,  didn't  he?" 

"I'll  bet  you  that  dollar,"  said  August,  holding 
one  up  to  view. 


Repeated  the  Act, 


"I'll  take  it,"  replied  the  juggler  reaching  for 
it  and  missing  it  by  several  feet. 

"I'll  bet  you  that  dollar,"  repeated  August,  "that 
you  can't  put  them  dollars  into  my  pocket  and  ever 
get  them  out  again." 

Then  the  crowd  began  to  guy  and  jostle  the  jug 
gler,  till  he  closed  the  performance  and  moved  on. 


AND  HIS   NEIGHBORS  301 

Squint  had  started  off  with  Nora  and  August, 
but  three  was  a  crowd  and  he  soon  found  himself 
alone.  He  wandered  on  down  the  street  enjoying 
the  city  scenes  as  only  a  country  boy  could  do, 
when  he  suddenly  came  upon  a  group  of  Italian 
boys,  one  of  whom  was  endeavoring  to  make  a 
shepherd  dog  perform  some  tricks.  The  dog 
either  did  not  understand  or  was  not  fully  trained 
and  the  boy  was  shamefully  abusing  him.  Squint's 
ire  was  being  rapidly  aroused. 

"Quit  a  lickin'  the  dorg  an'  he'll  do  better." 

"Go  long  tenda  yo'  own  business,"  cried  the 
Italian  boy,  defiantly,  as  he  gave  the  dog  a  series 
of  whacks  that  made  it  howl  and  try  hard  to  escape. 

"Quit  a  lickin'  the  dorg  or  you'll  have  to  lick  me 
too,"  Squint  shouted  at  him,  drawing  nearer. 

Another  lick  or  two  was  given  when  the  dog 
broke  loose  and  ran  groveling  at  Squint's  feet,  as 
though  he  recognized  a  protector.  The  Italian  boy 
.poured  out  a  volley  of  abuse  and  tried  to  seize  the 
dog,  but  Squint  pushed  him  back  so  that  the  boy  fell 
into  the  gutter  and  set  up  a  howl  of  rage.  Then 
there  was  a  furious  chatter  of  Italian  and  two  of 
the  other  boys  joined  in  to  get  the  dog  away  from 
its  protector. 

Squint  was  about  to  get  the  worst  of  it  when  he 
stepped  back  and  called  out,  "Is  there  an  American 
boy  here  with  sand  enough  to  help  me?" 


302  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

"Hi,  yi,  there,"  said  a  boy,  running  out  from 
the  sidewalk,  "whyn't  you  say  so  afore?  I  reckon 
we  can  smash  the  dagos."  But  they  didn't  want  to 
be  smashed.  One  of  them  had  got  hold  of  the  dog 
in  the  melee  and  they  all  disappeared  before  the 
belligerent  champions  of  canine  justice  could  inter 
fere. 

"Wot'd  ye  butt  into  the  dagos  fer?"  inquired 
Squint's  American  friend. 

"One  of  the  fellers  was  beatin'  a  fine  dorg,  an* 
when  I  says  quit,"  replied  Squint,  "he  begun  to 
trow  at  me  some  mighty  high  words  in  mighty 
low  language.  Then  the  dorg  run  to  me  fer  help 
^n'  there  was  a  mix  up." 

Squint  had  one  of  his  coat  pockets  torn  out  and 
he  thought  best  to  return  to  the  hotel  for  repairs. 
Two  or  three  blocks  away  he  heard  a  yelp  behind 
him  and  the  shepherd  dog  that  he  had  lately  de 
fended,  came  bounding  about  him  in  the  joyous  glee 
of  assured  freedom  and  friendship.  Squint  patted 
him  on  the  head  in  equally  delighted  recognition  of 
mutual  affinities. 

"So  you  say  you  want  to  be  my  dorg?"  he  in 
quired. 

The  nimble  dog  gave  a  yelp  and  turned  a  back 
ward  somersault.  Squint  screamed  with  delight, 
flung  his  heels  in  the  air  likewise  and  walked  away 
on  his  hands  to  show  the  dog  that  he  too  had  ac- 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  303 

complishments.  The  dog  barked  a  series  of  half- 
barks,  as  much  as  to  say  "we  were  made  for  each 
other."  Squint  understood.  He  shook  his  fists  in 
the  direction  of  the  Italian  boys  and  said,  "If  they 
ever  get  you  again,  they'll  have  to  haul  you  over  my 
dead  body." 

But  the  Italians  were  never  seen  again  by  boy 
or  dog,  and  the  shepherd  dog  a  few. weeks  later  be 
came  the  wonder  and  pride  of  Stumpburg. 

Squint  had  little  use  for  the  exposition  after  he 
had  acquired  his  dog  and  his  chief  desire  was  to  get 
back  with  his  property  to  Stumpburg,  but  Ethelbert 
felt,  after  his  adventure  had  proven  to  be  such  a 
sham,  that  he  must  restore  himself  from  the  loss 
of  respect  he  had  sustained. 

Uncle  Jeremiah  twitted  him  about  the  use  he  was 
making  of  his  time  as  a  scholarly,  learning-loving 
young  man. 

"What  have  you  been  learning?"  he  asked.  "The 
others  have  shown  that  they  have  considerable  to 
their  credit,  and  little  has  been  expected  of  them." 

"I've  been  studying  sociology,"  he  proudly  re 
plied.  "I've  been  finding  out  how  people  get  mar 
ried  in  different  parts  of  the  earth.  Suppose  I 
read  a  few  items  from  my  note  book." 

He  proceeded  to  read  as  follows : 

"Ceylon  women  have  a  right  to  as  many  hus 
bands  as  they  can  manage.  Great  Britain  allows 


304  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

men  to  have  numerous  wives  in  several  of  her 
colonies,  but  where  women  have  the  traditional 
right  to  numerous  husbands,  the  British  won't  allow 
it.  Inquiry :  from  what  psychological  trait  is  this 
inconsistency  derived? 

"Bedouins  kill  a  sheep  and  spill  the  blood  before 
the  tent  of  the  bride's  father.  This  is  called  the 
ceremony  of  fidelity.  He  thus  promises  to  be  faith 
ful  or  to  put  the  blood  back  into  the  live  sheep.  If 
satisfied,  she  rides  to  his  tent  on  a  camel.  Query : 
His  act  signifies  fidelity,  what  does  her  act  signify? 

"In  Greenland,  if  a  young  man  wants  a  woman, 
he  goes  and  takes  her,  if  he  can.  It's  only  a  ques 
tion  as  to  whether  he  can  catch  her  and  carry  her 
away.  Note :  Strong  widows  are  in  great  de 
mand.  Query :  Why  ? 

"Malays  make  matches  through  professional 
matchmakers.  Marriages  are  made  at  twelve  and 
fourteen.  Bride's  teeth  are  filed  down  so  as  to 
spoil  her  beauty  and  show  that  she  is  already  mar 
ried.  Query :  Why  couldn't  she  tell  the  facts  and 
save  her  teeth  ? 

A  Japanese  woman's  whole  life  is  devoted  to  the 
art  of  fascinating  her  husband.  Query:  Find  out 
the  price  of  return  tickets  to  Japan.  Matchmakers  in 
Japan  are  usually  men  because  they  can  drive 
shrewder  bargains.  Inquiry :  Would  an  American 
be  allowed  to  drive  the  bargain  for  himself?  Note: 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  305 

They  must  burn  all  their  toys  the  day  previous  to 
the  wedding. 

"In  Morocco,  the  woman  is  alternately  queen  and 
slave,  toy  and  drudge  of  the  men.  She  is  carefully 
kept  under  lock  and  key,  for  the  men  are  very  de 
pendent  upon  the  women  for  comfort  and  entertain 
ment.  Note:  Here  is  a  hint  for  Americans. 

"China.  Note:  There  is  more  nonsense  true 
and  untrue  about  China  than  any  other  place  on 
earth.  Women  here  have  no  ideals  to  chase,  for 
they  don't  see  men  often  enough  to  put  one  to 
gether.  To  be  doubly  sure,  their  feet  are  tongue- 
tied,  as  it  were.  Still,  they  tell  me  that  the  Chinese 
women  have  numerous  privileges.  They  are  very 
happy  because  they  can  not  be  disappointed.  The 
sexes  are  rivals  in  the  matchmaking  business.  Each 
one  views  the  girl  in  her  entirety  and  takes  down  a 
perfect  description.  Then  they  start  out  to  see  who 
can  run  down  a  husband  first.  ,  When  the  successful < 
man  is  found,  they  consult  an  astrologer,  who  names 
the  happy  day.  The  parents  exchange  presents. 
A  pair  of  geese  is  presented  to  the  bride  as  an  em 
blem  of  fidelity.  As  children  are  sometimes  mar-  , 
ried  before  they  are  born,  a  girl  may  be  a  widow 
before  her  birth.  Note:  Figure  this  out.  May 
be  married  after  they  are  dead.  Note:  Get  more 
light  on  this.  Queer  people! 

"Koreans  have  about  the  same  marriage  cus- 


306  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

toms  as  the  Chinese,  but  their  emblem  of  fidelity  is 
a  roast  leg  of  pork,  carried  over  by  the  matchmaker. 
Query :  Wherein  is  the  idea  ?  Can't  seem  to  grasp 
it.  Further:  They  exchange  ducks  as  a  superior 
symbol  to  geese.  Why?  They  also  send  candles 
and  some  money.  The  candles  are  to  be  lighted  at 
the  birth  of  the  first  boy.  Query:  Are  the  men 
all  born  in  the  night? 

"Hungary  is  the  hardest  place.  They  have  to 
pass  through  several  years  of  fierce  courtship  there. 
They  make  a  long  stage  play  of  it,  and  pass 
through  a  vast  amount  of  dignified  ceremony  in 
order  to  become  betrothed.  Query :  Is  it  worth 
it? 

"The  Maori  women  of  New  Zealand  can  trade 
husbands  or  exchange  for  a  year  or  so.  Inquiry: 
Do  they  ever  trade  back? 

'*  New  Britain  youths  must  pass  the  time  between 
betrothal  and  marriage  in  the  wild  wilderness 
among  beasts  and  enemies  as  a  fitting  preparatory 
ordeal  to  married  life.  Note:  Some  one  should 
be  sent  from  Chicago  to  introduce  into  New  Britain 
society  the  tender  mercies  of  divorce. 

"Sikhs  of  the  Punjaubs.  Note:  I'm  not  inter 
ested  in  these  people,  except  that  they  make  the 
events  of  a  lifetime  center  in  the  great  marriage 
feast.  Money  is  laid  up  for  years  to  prepare  for  it. 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


307 


They  treat  the  house  as  it  were,  with  everybody 
invited  to  the  house. 

"Hungarians  are  like  the  Sikhs  but  theirs  is  a 
feast  of  music. 

"The  Tartar  bride's  family  on  the  wedding  day 
carry  sticks  and  beat  the  matchmaker.  That  work 


A  Mark   of  Hospitality, 

must  be  as  hard  a  profession  as  the  janitorship  busi 
ness." 

"Uncle  Jeremiah,"  Ethelbert  continued,  enthu 
siastically,  "sociology  is  something  great.  You 
ought  to  study  it.  I've  got  a  lot  more  about  the 
habits  and  customs  of  primitive  peoples  that  is  very 
significant.  For  instance,  I've  found  out  how  most 
of  the  nations  eat.  Now  when  you  visit  in  Zanzibar, 


308  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

the  host  rolls  up  balls  of  rice  and  tosses  it  into  your 
mouth  as  the  keeper  does  wet  bran  into  the  hip 
popotamus.  That  is  a  mark  of  hospitality.  The 

South  Sea  Islanders, " 

"Ethelbert!"  exclaimed  Uncle  Jeremiah,  "please 
reserve  the  rest  of  your  observations  for  the  lec 
tures  you  are  to  make  on  sociology.  I  am  quite 
overcome  with  the  extensiveness  of  your  learning 
and  I  am  contented  to  leave  the  rest  to  expectation 
in  the  time  when  I  may  listen  to  the  rest  in  some 
lecture  hall,  where  you  are  enlightening  the  masses." 


CHAPTER  XIX. 

REMARKABLE    SOUVENIRS    FOR    HOME. 

Uncle  Jeremiah  found  several  acquaintances  in 
the  Hoosier  building,  who  appeared  to  enjoy  ro 
mancing  over  reminiscences  more  than  in  wearing 
out  their  eyes  over  the  inexhaustible  exhibits.  He 
was  inclined  to  join  them  while  his  yyoung  com 
panions  from  Stumpburg  searched  for  congenial 
curiosities  over  the  grounds. 

"What  are  these  state  buildings  for,  anyhow," 
inquired  a  friend  from  the  pocket  of  the  state,  "if 
it  is  not  as  club  houses  for  us  bodies  who  get  weary 
so  easy,  and  as  a  public  hall  for  our  politicians  to 
show  off?" 

Discussion  of  this  question  was  cut  short  by  a 
family  coming  in  who  also  had  opinions  on  this  sub 
ject. 

"Whar's  the  boss  of  this  shebang?"  inquired  a 
portly  farmer  in  recent  country-store  clothes,  as  he 
dropped  a  bundle  of  blankets  and  a  big  well-stuffed 
carpet-bag. 

No  one  was  able  to  reply. 

"I  didn't  send  no  word  'bout  us  coming,  but  I 
reckon  it's  all  right.  We  want  to  know  whar  we 
are  going  to  put  up." 

309 


BIO 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


His  wife  appeared  somewhat  uneasy  if  not  in 
dubious  distress.  Several  children  stood  around 
them  in  wondering  expectation. 

Uncle  Jeremiah  thought  he  understood  and  he 
^entured  to  reply. 


"Didn't  Send  No  Word." 

"This  isn't  a  hotel,"  he  replied.  "You  can't  put 
up  here." 

"Ain't  this  the  Indianer  building?"  he  inquired, 
as  if  dumfounded, 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  311 

"Yes,"  was  the  answer. 

"Then  what's  it  hyar  fer,  if  it  ain't  to  'commo- 
date  Indianer  folks  ?"  he  exclaimed,  in  rising  wrath. 

"I  reckon  I  pay  taxes  on  a  half  section  of  as 
good  farm  land  as  is  in  Warrick  county  and  I  didn't 
come  hyar  to  be  put  off  in  no  sich  way.  We  got 
as  much  right  hyar  as  anybody.  'Sides,  we  have 
brung  plenty  of  bedding  and  kin  sleep  on  the  floor 
if  the  place  is  full." 

No  one  replied,  and  he  looked  around  at  the  ele 
gant  furnishings.  A  light  seemed  to  dawn  on  him. 
"O,  yes,  I  see,"  he  continued.  "This  is  fixed  up 
for  the  big  bugs,  and  we  country  caterpillars  are 
'spected  to  sleep  on  the  ground.  I've  voted  my  last 
Republican  ticket.'  After  this,  I  vote  the  Demo 
crat  ticket  even  for  a  yaller  dog." 

Uncle  Jeremiah  plucked  him  to  one  side,  and 
through  many  of  his  vehement  expostulations  ex 
plained  the  intentions  and  uses  of  state  buildings. 
Satisfied  at  last  that  he  was  helpless  in  the  matter, 
he  allowed  himself  and  family  to  be  conducted 
across  the  street  to  the  big  hotel,  prepared  for  such 
accommodations,  where  he  found  a  place  "to  put 
up"  his  family  during  his  stay.  Uncle  Jeremiah  re 
turned  to  his  companions. 

"I  was  just  thinking,"  said  one  of  them,  "what  a 
fine  and  profitable  anthropological  exhibit  a  family 
like  that  would  make  at  a  world's  exposition  in 


312  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

Heligoland.  To  complete  the  exhibit  I  would  cap 
ture  a  few  typical  specimens  of  dudes  and  dudines 
from  the  American  aristocracy,  and  perhaps  throw 
in  some  choice  political  wardbums  as  a  study  in 
aborigines.  If  we  should  take  a  hundred  Americans 
and  exhibit  them  in  their  native  costumes  at  a 
world's  fair  in  Turkestan,  or  if  we  could  have  done 
it  before  civilized  clothes  were  known  there,  they 
would  have  thought  us  as  funny  as  we  think  the 
Aino  or  the  Patagonian." 

"Yes,"  said  one  of  the  party,  "how  should  we  feel 
perched  up  on  a  platform  in  silk  hats  and  frock 
coats,  alongside  of  a  ticket  window,  with  a  barker 
yelling  'You'll  have  to  hurry  to  see  the  only  genuine 
Americans  ever  brought  to  this  country.'  ' 

They  all  laughed,  and  the  speaker,  rather  taken 
with  drollery  of  the  idea,  said : 

"The  barker  would,  of  course,  go  on  and  say: 
'Ladies  and  gentlemen,  you  see  them  dressed  in  the 
peculiar  and  amusing  costume  of  their  native  land. 
These  tall  hats  that  you  see  are  universally  worn  by 
the  American  on  festal  occasions.  They  are  pecu 
liar  to  religious  worship  in  that  country,  and  are  al 
ways  worn  when  they  go  to  their  temples  on  what 
they  call  Sunday.  Those  long  black  coats  are  also 
a  part  of  their  religion." 

"I  suppose,"  said  one,  "the  crowd  would  take  in 
all  of  that  guff  just  as  we  do." 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  313 

"Of  course.  The  barker  is  bound  to  make  us 
picturesque;  and  to  them  we  would  be  picturesque. 
He  would  tell  them  that  our  principal  habits  are 
making  money  and  riding  in  automobiles,  and  that 
if  they  would  just  step  inside  at  so  much  per  they 
would  see  us  in  our  homes,  'carrying  on  our  house 
hold  affairs,  and  so  on.'  ' 

"Lighting  the  gas  stove,  I  suppose,  rocking  the 
baby,  reading  the  paper  or  bringing  in  the  coal." 

" That's  what  domestic  life  is,  whether  you're  an 
Igorrote  or  a  graduate  of  Harvard,  unless  you're  a 
millionaire." 

"They  ought  to  exhibit  one  o'  them,"  suggested 
somebody. 

"Yes,  they're  pretty  near  a  curiosity  to  some  of 
us,  when  they've  got  a  hundred  millions.  We  rub 
berneck  to  see  them  as  if  they  were  dressed  in  feath 
ers." 

"That  is  right,"  replied  Uncle  Jeremiah,  "human 
nature  is  the  same  all  over  the  world,  and  it  is  the 
most  variegated  curiosity  on  earth.  We  can  at  any 
time  and  nearly  any  weather,  jam  the  streets  of  any 
city  for  miles  with  staring  people  if  they  only  know 
that,  at  a  set  time,  a  procession  will  pass  by  contain 
ing  some  politicians  in  money  bags  seated  by  the 
side  of  some  highnesses  in  purple  rags." 

"I  think,"  said  another,  "that  these  voluntary 
self-exhibitors  are  as  vulgar,  whoever  they  may  be, 


314  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

as  those  feather-bedecked  heathens  standing  like 
monkeys  or  totem  poles  by  the  side  of  the  show- 
barker.'' 

They  were  interrupted  by  a  flare  of  sounds  from 
a  passing  band.  They  went  to  the  door. 

"What  is  it?"  some  one  asked. 

"Don't  you  see?"  replied  another;  "it  is  an  illus 
tration  of  our  conversation.  A  state  building  is 
being  accepted  or  dedicated  or  opened  up  to  the 
public,  and  some  favored  sons  of  the  state  are  going 
to  get  their  names  before  the  people." 

The  band  was  followed  by  several  carriages  and 
a  cavalry  escort  clearing  the  way  for  an  important 
Mr.  Honorable  somebody  to  exhibit  himself. 

"Well,  there  is  no  doubt,"  remarked  one  of  the 
onlookers,  "that  in  some  spheres  of  our  natures  we 
are  still  brothers  to  the  Igorrotes,  Patagonians, 
Ainus  and  the  rest  of  the  world's  aborigines." 

Uncle  Jeremiah  saw  his  delegation  of  Stump- 
burgians  coming,  and  he  went  on  to  meet  them. 

"What  is  it,  now?"  he  asked,  knowing  that  in 
coming  bunched  like  that,  they  had  some  inquiry  or 
request  to  make. 

Ethelbert  was  the  spokesman,  as  they  took  seats 
on  some  convenient  benches  generously  provided  by 
one  of  the  state  buildings. 

"This  being  our  last  day,"  he  said,  ftwe  want  to 
select  our  souvenirs.  We  have  in  fact  already  done 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  Sl5 

so,  and  we  want  you  to  pass  upon  the  propriety  of 
our  choice.  So  I  am  delegated  to  lay  the  subjects 
before  you  for  your  veto  or  O.  K." 

"First,"  he  continued,  "I  have  selected  a  phono 
graph.  Does  it  get  your  veto  or  O.  K.  ?" 

"I  sanction  your  choice,"  promptly  replied  the 
appointed  judge. 

''Matilda  wants  a  collection  of  all  the  picture 
books  on  the  fair." 

"All  right." 

"Helena  is  satisfied  to  call  her  subscription  doll 
the  world's  fair  souvenir  for  her." 

''Very  well." 

"Squint  ditto  with  his  dog." 

"Good  enough." 

"We  have  concluded  to  advise  you  to  buy  a  fine 
oil  painting  so  as  to  show  the  Stumpburg  artists 
that  they  are  about  as  far  away  from  the  stars  as  a 
telescope." 

"I'll  do  it." 

Ethelbert  turned  expectantly  toward  August  and 
Nora. 

"What  souvenir  do  you  chumps,  excuse  me,  I 
mean  chums,  want  to  carry  back?" 

They  appeared  much  confused  at  the  direct  ques 
tion,  and,  without  answering,  looked  far-away  back 
down  the  street. 

"They  are  hopeless,"  said  Ethelbert  in  impatient 


316  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

exasperation.  "I  can't  get  a  word  out  of  them. 
They  want  something,  but  they  won't  tell  it." 

They  got  up  and  walked  away. 

''Bless  me,"  exclaimed  Ethelbert,  looking  after 
them,  "I  do  believe  they  can't  rake  up  courage 
enough  to  say  what  their  choice  of  a  souvenir  is, 
and  Til  be  blamed  if  I  don't  believe  it's  a  marriage 
certificate." 

"Leave  them  alone,"  answered  Uncle  Jeremiah. 
"They  will  come  to  it  by  and  by.  Such  important 
matters  require  time." 

"And  now,"  he  continued,  "as  you  all  have  your 
souvenirs  already  chosen,  I  must  hurry  away  to  find 
mine,  as  I  have  arranged  for  us  all  to  leave  for 
home  to-morrow  morning  on  the  ten  o'clock  train. 

"I  believe  I  can  find  nothing  better  to  take  home 
with  me  by  which  to  keep  in  memory  the  wonderful 
art  I  have  seen  than  the  souvenir  you  suggest," 
continued  Uncle  Jeremiah.  "I  have  had  the  works 
of  a  certain  artist  recommended  by  a  boyhood 
friend  who  is  a  competent  judge  in  the  studios  of 
art  as  well  as  an  honored  judge  in  the  courts  of 
law.  I  think  I  will  take  along  with  me  only  the 
young  art  critic,  Miss  Helena.  If  the  youngest  and 
the  oldest  can  agree,  the  artist  may  exchange  his 
labor  for. our  money." 

In  due  time  the  two  were  at  the  door  of  the  studio 
when  the  artist  very  ceremoniously  bowed  out  two 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  317 

distinguished-looking  Frenchmen.  The  two  Amer 
icans  went  in  and  began  to  look  around  at  the  pic 
tures.  The  artist  hardly  noticed  them,  but  absent- 
mindedly  sat  down  before  his  easel  and  began  to 
work. 

"This  one,  buy  this  one,  Uncle  Jeremiah,"  whis 
pered  Helena,  standing  before  a  group  of  three 
women  in  which  a  mother  was  holding  a  sleeping 
child  and  looking  with  eager  eyes  as  she  listened  to 
the  opinions  expressed  by  the  other  two. 

"How  much  for  this  one?"  asked  Uncle  Jeremiah. 

"Tree  hundred  dollars,"  said  the  artist,  without 
looking  up  from  his  work. 

"Have  you  pen  and  ink?" 

The  artist  sprang  to  his  feet. 

"Ah!  Monsieur!"  he  exclaimed,  "I  like  that.  You 
are  an  American  West  gentleman." 

Uncle  Jeremiah  went  to  the  little  desk  and  took 
some  papers  from  his  pocket.  He  wrote  on  two 
pieces  and  gave  them  to  the  waiting  artist.  One 
was  a  check  for  three  hundred  dollars,  the  other  was 
his  address. 

"The  picture  of  the  sick  child  is  mine,"  said  Uncle 
Jeremiah.  "Send  it  to  that  address." 

"You  make  me  great  honor,"  said  the  artist. 
"American  gentleman  so  different  as  Europe.  I 
hear  a  knock  at  my  door.  That  makes  me  glad.  I 
hasten.  I  bow  open  the  door.  I  say,  'Coom  in, 


318  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

sair.'  Gent  step  forward.  He  nod  his  head.  He 
say,  'I  veel  see  picture.'  I  bow  low.  I  say,  '\£id  ze 
great  plaizure.'  He  mak  no  answer.  He  stare  long 
at  each  von.  Den  he  look  long  at  annudder.  He 
say,  'How  much?'  I  say,  Tour  hoondred  dollair.' 
He  point  at  annudder,  and  say,  'How  mooch?' 
I  say,  'Tree  hoondred  dollair.'  He  say  not  a  word, 
but  look  long  time  till  ze  patience  he  tire  out.  He 
get  near  ze  door.  Look  all  'round  and  go  out.  I 
know  he  ez  American  East  gentleman.  I  hear  an 
nudder  tap  on  ze  door.  My  heart  thump  glad.  I 
bow  ze  door  open.  I  get  fine  bow  back.  Von,  two, 
tree  bow  back.  'Goot  morgen,  mein  herr,'  he  say. 
I  make  ze  profound  bow,  an'  say,  'Vair  good.'  He 
look  at  all  ze  picture  in  ze  row  an'  say,  'Goot,  shane, 
vondrous  fine.'  Then  near  the  door  he  say,  'Mein 
herr,  may  I  pring  mein  goot  freund,  Baron  von 
Alstedt,  to  see  so  fine  verk?'  I  say,  'Sair,  you  do 
me  ze  great  faveur.'  Then  von,  two,  tree  bow.  He 
coom  in  soon  with  hees  friend,  ze  Baron.  They 
say,  'bootiful,  vondrous  bootiful;  vill  you  let  us 
pring  our  freund,  Count  von  Bernstein?'  I  say, 
'Sair,  you  do  me  ze  great  faveur.'  We  bow  and 
bow  and  I  see  them  no  more.  Zat  is  Gairman.  I 
hear  knock  at  door  with  cane.  I  bow  ze  door  open 
to  some  vair  fine  clothes.  'Bon  jour,  monsieur,'  he 
say,  'chawmed  to  meet  you.'  He  lean  forward  and 
look  through  ze  lorgnette  at  all  my  pictures  and  ask 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS 


319 


many  question.  'Very  fine  morsel^  he  say,  'ex 
quisite  piece,  admirable  article.'  He  valk  out  and 
that  is  English.  The  door  coom  open.  I  rise  and 
bow  to  vair  polite  gentleman.  .He  look  me  an'  ze 
studio  an'  ze  picture  all  over.  He  bow  as  he  coom 
to  ze  door  and  say,  'After  thees  glorious  art  nature 


"He  Come  in  With  Hecs  Friend." 

is  wort  nodding.  I  recommend  you,  sair,  to  all 
my  friend.'  He  whirl  his  cane  von,  two,  tree  time 
an'  is  gone.  Zat  is  French.  I  hear  whisper.  I  look 
up.  It  ees  a  gentleman  looking  long  at  von  picture. 
He  say,  'How  much?'  I  say,  'Tree  hundred  dol 
lars.'  He  say,  'You  got  pen  an'  ink?'  I  have  ze 
money.  Zat  is  American  West  gentleman.  I  vish 


320  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

for  mair  American  West  gentlemen.  Ze  picture  is 
yours.  It  vill  be  at  your  home  vair  soon  that  you 
arrive.  Au  revoir,  au  revoir,  my  fair  friend,  au 
revoir.  I  like  you  much,  vair  much.  Au  revoir,  ze 
goot  friend  of  ze  poor  artist." 

Uncle  Jeremiah  thought  the  artist's  appreciation 
was  worth  half  the  money  and  that  it  would  greatly 
enhance  his  pleasing  memory  of  the  picture  chosen 
by  a  child  in  the  foreign  artist's  studio. 


CHAPTER  XX. 

DRAMATIC    BRIDAL    TOUR    OF    THE    STUMPBURGIANS. 

"Don't  you  tink,  Nora,"  said  August,  earnestly, 
as  they  walked  away  from  the  souvenir  conference, 
"that  you  haf  seen  the  Saint  Looey  boliceman  and 
the  Jefferson  Guards,  so  you  can  now  be  satisfied, 
and  we  can  ashtonish  Stumburg  peoples  and  get 
married  in  Saint  Looey?" 

"August,"  she  said  with  a  sigh,  "Is  it  rayely  the 
best  I  can  do  for  meself  in  this  wurreld  ?" 

"It  is,  Nora,  it  is,"  he  answered,  with  convincing 
emphasis. 

"Thin  go  ask  Uncle  Jeremiah  if  he  thinks  the 
same.  It's  now  tin  o'clock  and  to-morry  at  this 
toime  we  are  to  be  on  the  way  home.  There's  no 
toime  to  squander  if  we  get  married  in  Saint 
Looey." 

August  hurried  away.  Presently  he  returned 
and  gave  her  a  bit  of  paper. 

"Oncle  Jeremiah  wrote  instead  of  speakin',"  he 
said,  as  if  in  some  anxious  perplexity. 

Nora  opened  the  note  and  read  as  follows:  "We 
all  know  August.  We  know  he  is  healthy,  honest, 
kind,  faithful  and  industrious.  If  he  is  as  good  in 
the  future  as  he  has  been  in  the  past,  he  will  never 

331 


322  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

cause  Nora  to  feel  either  sorrow  or  care.  When 
Nora  is  sure  these  qualifications  are  enough  for  her, 
then  let  her  answer  him  according  to  her  thought 
for  him  and  her  belief  in  her  future  with  him." 

She  gazed  the  beaming  young  man  over  slowly. 

"Go  get  the  loicense,  August,  and  invite  the 
pracher  to  Uncle  Jeremiah's  room  to-night  at  siven. 
I'll  do  the  rist." 

August  hurried  away  with  more  activity  than  he 
had  exhibited  since  he  had  first  fallen  in  love.  He 
had  already  secured  information  as  to  the  necessary 
steps,  and  it  was  not  long  until  he  was  at  the  city 
hall. 

Unfortunately,  he  went  in  where  a  number  of 
candidates  were  waiting  their  turn  for  physical  ex 
amination  as  to  their  fitness  to  go  on  the  police 
force.  August  walked  on  to  an  inner  door  just  as 
the  examining  doctor  came  through  for  the  next 
man. 

"Step  lively,"  he  exclaimed  to  August  as  he  gave 
him  a  shove  into  the  room  and  closed  the  door. 
"We  are  in  a  hurry." 

"Strip,"  was  the  command. 

"Vot'sdot?-" 

"Off  with  your  clothes  for  the  physical  test  of 
fitness^  Be  quick  about  it." 

August  was  too  bewildered  to  disobey,  especially 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  323 

as  a  policeman  came  forward  and  began  to  shuck 
him  off  like  an  ear  of  corn. 

The  doctor  took  his  measures,  thumped  his  chest, 
pounded  his  back,  felt  his  pulse  and  listened  at  his 
heart. 

"Jump  over  that  bar,"  ordered  the  doctor. 

August  did  his  best  and  landed  in  a  heap  on  the 
floor. 

"Get  up,  keep  your  knees  straight  and  touch  the 
floor  with  the  palm  of  your  hands." 

August  tried  it  under  the  jerky  directions  of  the 
policeman,  and  stood  on  his  head,  followed  by  a 
tumble  that  jarred  the  tile  floor. 

August  rose,  sputtering  protests. 

"Get  under  the  cold  shower,"  was  the  next  order, 
and  he  was  hustled  under  a  douche  of  ice-cold 
water. 

With  a  yell  he  struck  the  middle  of  the  room  at 
one  jump. 

"I  won't  do  it.  I  promise  you  I  won't  do  it,"  he 
yelled.  "I  stay  shingle.  I  go  back  to  Stoompburg. 
I  won't  marry  in  Saint  Looey." 

He  began  to  fling  on  his  clothes  over  his  wet  skin. 

"Let  me  oudt,  let  me  oudt,"  he  cried,  as  the  cloth 
ing  were  flung  into  their  proper  places  with  incred 
ible  rapidity.  "I  don't  want  to  be  fit  to  marry  in 
Saint  Looey," 


324 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  325 

"What's  the  matter?"  asked  the  astonished  doc 
tor.  "Aren't  you  a  candidate  for  the  police  force?" 

"Ach  heiliger  Gott,  nein.  I  was  candidate  for 
matrimony.  I  vant  license  to  marry  Nora." 

The  ridiculous  mistake  dawned  upon  the  doctor 
'and  he  howled  with  laughter. 

"Take  this  man  with  our  apologies  to  the  mar 
riage  window,"  he  said  to  the  policeman,  and,  in  a 
few  minutes  August,  though  still  dazed  and  shiver 
ing,  was  happy. 

Uncle  Jeremiah  was  duly  informed  of  the  mo 
mentous  events  impending  and  he  became  master  of 
ceremonies  for  as  select  and  quiet  an  affair  as  could 
be  managed  in  a  hotel  where  all  had  become  so  well 
known.  By  the  time  the  preacher  arrived,  Uncle 
Jeremiah  advised  August  to  begin  his  honeymoon 
trip  back  to  Stumpburg  immediately  after  the  cere 
mony  in  order  to  avoid  the  annoying  familiarities 
and  demonstrations  of  their  friendly  acquaintances. 
A  train  left  the  Grand  Union  two  hours  later  and 
this  would  be  in  good  season  for  their  use,  while, 
according  to  August's  arrangements,  it  gave  them 
time  for  a  grand  wedding  tour  on  a  trolley  car. 

There  was  an  ominous  and  befitting  silence  in 
Uncle  Jeremiah's  room,  after  he  let  the  preacher  in 
and  closed  the  door,  as  far  as  the  outside  world  was 
concerned.  Then  August  and  Nora,  each  with 
satchel  in  hand,  fully  equipped  for  travel,  appeared 


326  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

at  the  door,  followed  by  all  the  others,  who  went 
smiling  with  them  to  the  front  entrance  of  the  hotel. 
With  this,  the  guests  understood  what  had  hap 
pened  and  there  was  a  rush  to  the  sidewalk  to  see 
them  off. 

August  did  not  wait  for  a  car  to  come,  but  called 
to  a  cabman. 

"Take  us  avay,"  he  said,  excitedly.  "We  will 
not  wait  for  the  street  car." 

They  entered  the  cab  and  were  driven  away  at  a 
gallop,  followed  by  the  cheers  of  the  crowd. 

"We  vant  the  railroad  station,"  yelled  August, 
and  then  settled  down  to  a  reverent  contemplation 
of  his  new-found  bride,  but  the  swaying,  jostling 
carriage  bumping  along  at  such  a  rattling  pace  dis 
couraged  much  regular  reverence. 

After  an  interminable  time  to  the  impatient  and 
badly  shaken-up  couple,  the  carriage  suddenly 
stopped  and  the  driver  appeared  at  the  door. 

"Where  do  youse  skates  think  yer  goin'?"  he  in 
quired.  "Yer  outraged  parents  can't  git  next  to  ye 
now,  but  I  can  run  ye  'cross  the  continent  for  the 
price,  if  ye  say  so.  I  want  ten  apiece  or  I  don't  go 
another  step." 

August  looked  around  in  alarm.  A  dingy  look 
ing  light  flickered  from  a  lamppost,  near  which  the 
jehu  had  stopped  his  carriage,  but  all  around,  as  far 
as  he  could  see,  there  was  nothing  but  inky  dark- 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  327 

ness.  This  was  far  from  reassuring  to  one  so  rudely 
awakened  from  the  bliss  of  less  than  an  hour  of 
married  life. 

"Come  down,  old  boy,  and  shake  out  a  couple  of 
sawbucks,"  continued  the  cabman,  impatiently. 
"We  don't  have  runaway  couples  every  day,  an'  in 
'mergencies  like  this  we've  got  to  have  the  stuff 
'fore  we  deliver  the  goods." 

August  was  dazed  and  speechless,  while  Nora 
thought  it  was  an  occasion  for  a  woman  to  be  seen, 
if  necessary,  but  not  heard. 

"Come,  shell  out,  or  I'll  have  to  persuade,"  threat 
ened  the  driver. 

August  began  to  realize  the  situation.  He  had 
heard  about  professional  hold-ups  and  this  was  one 
of  them. 

"Git  a  move  on  ye  before  I  count  five,  or  I'll 
produce  and  yer  fair  lady  might  git  hysterics." 

August  stepped  out  of  the  carriage  and  took  a 
survey  of  his  enemy  without  getting  his  hands  to 
his  pockets. 

"Hev  I  gotter  intimerdate  ye  with  a  gun?"  he 
continued.  "Count  out  the  stuff  immejetly.  I  know 
ye've  got  it,  fer  people  don't  run  away  with  pretty 
galls  without  the  mun." 

The  glint  of  a  pistol  barrel  was  seen  in  the  jehu's 
hands. 

"Coom  offer  here  py  de  light,"  said  August,  as  if 


328  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

he  had  just  found  his  tongue.  "I  can't  dell  the 
toller  pills  from  udder  notes  und  papers  mix  up  in 
my  pocket." 

They  stepped  over  under  the  light.  August  drew 
out  a  large  roll  of  money  with  a  bunch  of  papers. 

"Just  pass  it  all  over,"  said  the  cabman,  reaching 
out  his  hand,  "and  you  can  drive  back  the  carriage 
yourself." 

The  revolver  was  now  on  a  level  with  his  chest. 

August  shoved  out  his  handful  of  bills  past  the 
revolver,  as  if  to  give  them  over,  but,  with  a  sudden 
stroke  of  his  hand,  the  revolver  was  knocked  aside 
and  his  other  fist  went  into  the  man's  stomach. 

The  jehu  gave  a  wild  groan  and  went  down,  with 
August  on  top.  August  wrenched  the  revolver  from 
his  hand  and.  arose  with  it  leveled  at  the  head  of  his 
prostrate  antagonist. 

"Don't  shoot,  don't  shoot,"  he  cried.  "I  was  only 
joking." 

"Ha!  ha!  Such  a  funny  shoke,"  said  the  rural 
conqueror.  "You  shoost  dake  it  easy  'till  I  put  my 
money  back." 

This  being  done.  August  addressed  himself  to  his 
fallen  enemy. 

"Well,  wy  doane  you  git  ope?" 

"You  didn't  tell  me  to." 

"O,  you  leettle  pet  sheeps,  you  no  got  any  wool, 
doane  ye?  Well,  git  ope." 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  329 

The  dilapidated  driver  got  upon  his  feet. 

"Now,  go  sthraddle  dot  hoss." 

"What  do  you  mean?" 

"I  mean  vat  I  say,  und  I  say  vat  I  mean.  Sthrad 
dle  dot  hoss,  right  avay,  putty  kveek." 

The  jehu  climbed  upon  the  horse's  back,  while 
August  stepped  back  into  the  carriage. 

"Now,  my  lofely  pride,"  he  said  to  Nora,  "we  will 
*etoorn  on  our  vedding  trip." 

"Say,  meester,  shoost  trive  pack  to  de  Grand 
Union  railroad  station,  an'  wen  I  tink  you  don't  go 
dot  vey  I  make  holes  in  your  pack.  Now,  trot  'long 
lifely.  We  haf  not  mooch  dime  to  play." 

The  cabman  turned  the  carriage  around  and 
started  back,  as  if  this  was  the  natural  condition  of 
cab  travel. 

The  lights  soon  became  more  numerous  and  they 
soon  struck  the  paved  streets  again. 

"Say,  mister,  when  we  get  to  the  station " 

"Not  a  vord,  not  a  vord.  We  haf  no  dime  to 
dalk.  Shust  tend  to  your  peesness  und  say  nod- 
dings.  Silence  ish  golden.  I  haf  not  lived  so  long 
in  de  city  mitout  learning  big  piles  of  tings.  Shust 
go  on  to  dot  station,  if  you  do  not  vant  to  go  on 
from  de  pad  to  de  vurst." 

Numbers  of  people  along  the  sidewalks  now  began 
to  be  seen  and  all  stopped  to  gaze  after  the  singular 
spectacle  jogging  rapidly  along  the  street.  Now 


330 


UNCLE  JEREMIAH 


and  then  exclamations  of  surprise  and  sundry  yells 
greeted  them.  Presently  the  sound  of  moving  trains 
and  ringing  engine  bells  struck  their  ears.  Then 
they  came  up  among  a  lot  of  carriages  at  the  car 
riage  entrance  of  the  Grand  Union  railroad  station. 
They  were  at  once  surrounded  by  a  hooting  crowd 
of  carriage  drivers,  and  curious  spectators.  The 


The  Cabman  Started  Back. 

driver  remained  on  his  horse,  not  speaking  or  mov 
ing. 

"What's  the  matter  here?"  said  a  policeman,  com 
ing  up  as  August  got  out  and  helped  Nora  from  the 
carriage. 

"Just  a  bet,  sir.  I'm  paying  a  bet,"  hastily  spoke 
the  elevated  driver. 

"You  bet  he's  paying  a  bet,"  said  August.   "Now, 


AND  HIS  NEIGHBORS  331 

shust  git  down  from  dot  boss,  git  back  on  your  seat, 
drive  pack  home  to  your  stable,  and  doan  yet  effer 
let  anypoddy  see  you  drive  anodder  carriage  in  Saint 
Looey." 

"All  right,  sir,  all  right.  I'll  do  it,"  cried  the  cab 
man  in  a  burst  of  emotional  gratitude. 

And  he  did  it  with  remarkable  celerity. 

The  crowd  hooted  and  yelled  until  the  cabman 
disappeared  around  the  corner;  then  they  pressed 
after  the  two  passengers  to  learn,  if  possible,  what 
was  meant  by  such  a  singular  spectacle,  but  August 
and  Nora  had  disappeared  in  the  station.  They 
hurried  on  to  the  gates  and  inquired  for  their  train. 
It  was  ready  and  they  passed  on  to  it.  At  the  car 
steps  a  man  rushed  up  to  August  in  great  eager 
ness. 

"Say,  my  friend,  what  was  the  matter  witfy  the 
cabman?  I  represent  the  press  and  would  like  to 
know  the  story." 

"No  story.  It  vas  de  gospeel  troof.  Nodding 
was  de  matter  mit  him.  He  vas  very  healty.  Only 
he  hat  his  leefer  turned  ofer.  He  von't  do  it  some- 
dime  any  more  again." 

"But,  what  made  him  ride  the  horse?"  persisted 
the  reporter. 

"O,  I  haf  lose  my  vife !  I  haf  lose  my  vife!  Vare 
is  she?  Vare  is  she?  Vare  is  my  vife?"  And  Au 
gust  ran,  howling  into  the  car. 


332  UNCLE  JEREMIAH 

The  reporter  sprang  up  the  steps  and  looked  in  as 
August  discovered  his  lost  treasure  in  a  near  car 
seat  and  sat  down  beside  her  with  a  worse  palpita 
tion  of  the  heart  than  he  had  experienced  during  the 
entire  eventful  e\rening. 

The  reporter  stood  irresolutely  for  a  minute  and 
then  turned  away  as  though  he  gave  it  up  as  a  fruit 
less  quest. 

The  following  day,  Uncle  Jeremiah  gathered  to 
gether  the  remainder  of  his  little  flock,  and  sadly 
bade  farewell  to  the  earthly  paradise  of  beauty,  that 
could  henceforth  be  to  them  only  a  city  of  visions 
and  dreams.  They  passed  over  the  great  father  of 
waters  and  sped  onward  to  that  which  was  their 
own,  the  lowly  but  blessed  realities  of  the  farmer's 
home. 


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